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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I mean what's the end goal here OP? If it's to have a better relationship with your daughter then you BOTH need to put in the time/work. She's still a child. Her brain is still developing. Just because therapy didn't work before doesn't mean it wouldn't now. You both should be seeing therapists separately, then together once you're in the right frame of mind.

If you're "done" with the relationship then sure, shipping her off to a relative or boarding school would work. That is going to mess her up further though. [/quote]

She was just in therapy this school year.  Again.  Went nowhere.  We tried a few therapists, got neuropsych testing, it's just not moving the needle.  At all.  She was just screaming at me for hanging up her laundry.  There's nothing I can do to avoid her rage.  It's almost Every.Single.Interaction.  To be more specific, these are times screams at me every day:

- Wake up

- Getting to school

- Sitting down to dinner - She demands eating alone in dining room.  We must wait for her to finish eating before we can eat.  We sound too annoying chewing and any talking is too irritating to her.  Frankly, I'm tired of trying to eat while being screamed at the entire time.  That's dinner time here every single day.

- If I need to put laundry in her room or ever enter

- Time to bathe before bed

- Bed time.

It's most of our interaction - her screaming at me.  I'm trying to think of a type of interaction where she doesn't scream at me. . I guess when I put her food on the table and patiently wait for her to finish her meal so I can enter, or sometimes if we go to a store she really likes.  For a long time, I couldn't take her to restaurants or parties because it was too embarrassing her screaming - and physically attacking me - in front of other parents.  If I could afford boarding school, her bags would be packed yesterday.  [/quote]

[/quote]

Get Kazdin and Dan Shapiros books (his books didn't work for me but many people love him)
Try to spend special time togther, where you make zero demands. Even if you have to bite your tounge until it is bleeding.  She mentioned to DH she really wants to see Megan at the movies? Say, great, I'm buying tickets for sunday at 11am for us (and not mentioning that i hate horror movies). You want an $8 sprite there? great, I'll go get it for you. oh, look they had popcorn too.  Did I love the movie too?  Well i enjoyed spending time with you and am glad we saw it together.  I loved how the hair exploded at just the right time. etc. You might need to think about it like 'love-bombing.'  You had a sucessful trip to the movies? Great, ignore the meltdown on the way home or at dinner. OP, you need to contsantly redefine/lower the standards of success.

Also think about what is actually 'necessary.'  Wake up and getting to school on time are 'necessary.'  Getting to school with a coifed hairdo? not necessary. matching clothes if she doesn't want it? not necessary. don't say anything unless the clothes are inappropriate to the weather.  unbrushed hair? ignore. unbrushed teeth in the morning? ignore, offer a stick of gum. etc.

If dinner is a major painpoint, stop putting pressure on her to be there.  I understand that these redefines success downward.  Set a place for her, invite her to dinner. She chooses not to eat or eat in the other room? ignore for now. Choose not to eat?  There is always yogurt and nuts (or whatever your family 'always available food is') available later, if she is  hungry.

Putting laundry in her room elicits screaming? Do it when she is not there, if possible.

Bathing before bed? redefine success and take the pressure off. Maybe your DH can talk about this with her. If she is playing sports everyday-- yes she needs to bathe or shower daily.  But if not? maybe only every other day in the winter, to reduce conflict.  kids are gross regardless.  If it is an option for you all, offer the choice of a bath or shower. Do you have two showers?  Give the choice of the master shower or the kids shower.  Put a special puff or something in the master shower, if that is her thing.  Think about how to offer choices that give some level of power to the kid, while still helping you achive your endgoal.

Bed time: try not to turn it into a power struggle. She wants to sleep withthe light on? ok, whatever.  too late? maybe meltonin could be helpful.

If she expresses wanting to go to sleep away camp, that is one thing. But definitly do not send her 'away' there or to a relative.  It will only amp up the feelings of abandonment.

And please, please OP seek out family therapy help.  
I'm so sorry you and your family are dealing with this.

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