Reply to No positive moments with hateful DD?

Forum Index » Tweens and Teens

Reply to "No positive moments with hateful DD? "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DD hates me.  She is hostile with me, like yells back at me if I interact with her, unless she is asking me for something, and sometimes she is violent.  I never want to be around her.  She has been this way since age 2, now age 12.  Combative with me from the moment she wakes up, but not with others.   I am at the point today that I would consider sending her to live with an aunt or grandparent if they would take her because she clearly hates me.  Any other moms have this experience?  Any insights?  I tried therapy twice for her, but went nowhere.[/quote]

NP and haven't read any other responses, but OP I both feel for you, and I also have so many questions. 1st off are you a single mom, like where is her dad or are there any other parent-figures in her life?

Second, as someone who's worked with families in crisis for over 15 years, these behaviors come from somewhere, and whether the parent's behaviors are part of the root of the child's behaviors, or the parent's response to those behaviors is part of the root of it, she did not develop like this over 10 yrs in a vacuum.  I do not say that to cast blame on you or make you feel bad; I say that because it's essential in trying to resolve this and improve her behaviors - which at 12 yrs old is STILL your responsibility and your job as her mother - you need to face the fact that a lot of choices you probably have made or ways you've treated her or responded to her have no doubt fed her challenging attitudes and behaviors.

Some kids are also born with either mental health issues that manifest in really difficult behaviors, chemical imbalances, or some kids do just have mystery emotions and behaviors that no one can explain, though those last kind where it's a total mystery are incredibly rare cases. 99.9% of the time I am working with a child or teen with really troubling behaviors, as soon as I meet the parent it's so clear where a lot of it comes from. That is just true and there's no point in sugar-coating that.

Again, this isn't about blame. It is about FIXING it as much as possible, and to do that you can't look at her as the "Evil Satan Spawn from Another Planet". She is your daughter and you two have been on this journey since birth.

So you say you tried therapy, what happened? What did the counselors tell you was going on, and what happened that made you feel it "didn't work"?  What is your background and what was your relationship to your parents like?  And what does she say about her behaviors, what is her explanation for them, what does she say about how she sees you?

Those are all starting questions but obviously and much more importantly, you should probably get a therapist for yourself first, and explain ALL that you've said here and see what that therapist says.  It's just like what happens on airplanes during the safety instruction: They always instruct the healthy adults to put on their own oxygen masks before helping children or people who'd struggle to put it on or get off the plane. Because if you're the healthy, responsible person, you can't help yourself or anyone else if you're passed out from oxygen deprivation.  Put your own mask on, get your own therapy, so you can figure out what has to happen to help your daughter and save your relationship and your sanity.

Good luck OP, and I truly hope you and your DD progress to a much better place in the coming months.[/quote]

Off topic but lord do I despise this attitude.  You work with troubled families and you believe that only 1% of the population has innate mental health problems ??? You're part of the problem.  These families go for help and are presented with such ignorance. Most therapists should be sending people in crisis out for psychiatric testing.  Instead,  they're happy to suck the time, money and energy out of people and end up with failed interventions.  As long as they're getting their salary, who cares, right? Any competent medical doctor will perform tests, first, before they attempt to treat *anything!!* the mental health field is sadly and woefully unregulated and what regulations that are in place are minimal. 
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics