Reply to How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?[/quote]

Many of the women claiming their spouses had “Masked ASD” are just wrong. There are some who legitimately just did not know what autism looked like and thought their partners were maybe just quirky or socially awkward. But on DCUM and elsewhere online, it is trendy to attribute all sorts of poor behavior (rages, gaslighting, laziness, disengagement) to autism. Which obviously is extremely problematic and prejudicial towards actually autistic people. It’s like these women think that calling their spouses autistic shows how horrible they are. Autistic = awful to them.

I say this as a person whose dad is likely on the spectrum and whose spouse is a bona fide jerk. For my dad, everyone is like, “Yeah that makes sense - explains the way he has always been in his own world.” For my spouse, it sure might be nice to attribute his jerkiness to a disorder, but I’m afraid he is just a jerk. [/quote]

I had no idea about autism at all. Or adhd. If you are in your 50s now you had no idea unless someone else told you about it. It was not a diagnosis in school that you learned about. I learned that if a man had a job and an apartment at age 25 and had some goals that they would probably be able to have a family as well and love a spouse. Well I learned wrong. Now we know a little more than before. [/quote]

If your spouse is actually autistic you would have noticed that he related to the world differently even if there was no label. (Side note - many people with autism diagnoses now never would have gotten them 25 yrs ago anyway.) But if your story is that your DH became a raging jerk after 25 years of marriage, that is not autism. [/quote]

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