Drama over who pays for the wedding

[Anonymous]

I'm so confused by the genders in the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that parents are expected to pay for the wedding. My parents offered a set amount we could use for the wedding or to buy a house, etc, basically a cash gift. DH and I paid for our wedding. Why do they have to get married if they are not financially independent? It seems contradictory to create your own, independent family unit if you still require financial support from both parents.

I can’t even imagine actually typing out first that you were given a “cash gift” of a “set amount we could use for the wedding” and then saying you “paid for our wedding” because you are “financially independent.” I mean really it’s just astonishing.

[Anonymous]

I got married about 15 years ago. My parents (I was the bride) paid for the wedding and my in-laws paid for a lovely rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. It was very traditional, but everyone was happy with the situation.

If you feel that's old fashioned, and I think you're probably right, I agree with all of the previous posters who say you should offer a set amount and leave it at that. Of course, once you establish you will not be solely financially responsible for the entirety of the wedding you also give up a lot of control. Be sure you're ok with that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to spend a lot as the odds they last through med school and mba are very low.

This. Too young, too much school pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should offer the couple a wedding gift that you feel is appropriate. The couple can sort out what to do with the other parents. It's not your concern.

Sure but only if the parents stay out of everything, including the guest list. With x dollar contribution from one or both sides, they will only be able to invite Y people. And that's that.

Well, yes dear. No one said otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Traditionally, the bride’s family pays for the wedding and the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner, but no one is actually obligated to do so.

You are free to pay for as much of the wedding as you want, but you are not free to pressure other parties to pay for anything. This includes the bride and the groom. If you have expectations of what the wedding requires (guest list, etc.), you either need to pay for it or surrender the expectation. Just as you are not obligated to pay for the wedding, the couple is not obligated to pay for your idea of what their wedding should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused by the sexes in this scenario. Do you have a dd or a ds? Are they engaged to a fiance? or a fiancee?

Yeah, these acronyms are so stupid.

Does it really save any time to type DS instead of son???

Are you people really so dense that you couldn't figure it out from context. Plus, why does the gender matter? The question asked was straightforward.

It only matters because the people involved seem to be standing on the grounds of “tradition” to insist that the bride’s family pays. If it were 2 women, this would be a very different conversation, rightly or wrongly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You? What do you have to do with it?
The bride and groom deal with this, not you.

You offer $X to them, whatever you are willing to give, and that's it. If they want more, they can ask his parents.

+1 Ridiculous, not to mention sexist, for the burden to be placed on one set of parents when the means are relatively equal.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s 2023- the bride and groom should be paying for their own wedding.

College grads heading directly to grad school? How?

Did anyone force them into marriage? They surely can wait for a wedding until their graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BG: our DD and her fiancée are both seniors in college and recently got engaged. DD is accepted into medical school and the fiancée into a top MBA school. Neither has debt from college. We will pay for DD medical school and his parents will pay for MBA school. Both families are well off with family all in the US.

The fiancée’s parents are going to traditional route and want us to pay for our DD’s wedding. While we can, we also have a second DD and their’s is an only child. We also feel we are keeping the young couple out of debt (but so are they). I want to suggest we split the costs but I don’t want to offend them.

DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

The fiancée doesn’t want a fancy wedding but we both have big families.

Should we ask the fiancée’s parents to contribute? How should we word it?

It is 100% the responsibility of the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding, irrespective of family size and wealth. Our son got married about ten years ago and his fiancée’s parents didn’t offer to pay a thing. Yes, we own a successful business, have a 15,000 sqft home, a NW of $150M, and own $1M+ in automobiles, but this shouldn’t have mattered. We had to step up and foot the bill and what a total embarrassment and irrevocable loss of face that was for the father of the bride. He was a proud military man that was dishonorably released, demanded respect, but did nothing to earn it. My son and DIL are now completely estranged from her side of the family. We rightfully own all holidays, birthdays, and priority time with the grandchildren.

So you would have been fine with cake and punch at the VFW hall, if that’s what they could have afforded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BG: our DD and her fiancée are both seniors in college and recently got engaged. DD is accepted into medical school and the fiancée into a top MBA school. Neither has debt from college. We will pay for DD medical school and his parents will pay for MBA school. Both families are well off with family all in the US.

The fiancée’s parents are going to traditional route and want us to pay for our DD’s wedding. While we can, we also have a second DD and their’s is an only child. We also feel we are keeping the young couple out of debt (but so are they). I want to suggest we split the costs but I don’t want to offend them.

DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

The fiancée doesn’t want a fancy wedding but we both have big families.

Should we ask the fiancée’s parents to contribute? How should we word it?

It is 100% the responsibility of the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding, irrespective of family size and wealth. Our son got married about ten years ago and his fiancée’s parents didn’t offer to pay a thing. Yes, we own a successful business, have a 15,000 sqft home, a NW of $150M, and own $1M+ in automobiles, but this shouldn’t have mattered. We had to step up and foot the bill and what a total embarrassment and irrevocable loss of face that was for the father of the bride. He was a proud military man that was dishonorably released, demanded respect, but did nothing to earn it. My son and DIL are now completely estranged from her side of the family. We rightfully own all holidays, birthdays, and priority time with the grandchildren.

So you would have been fine with cake and punch at the VFW hall, if that’s what they could have afforded?

Seriously. The 150M net worth PP is a complete douchebag.

[Anonymous]

My FIL put away some funds for my wife's wedding. While he can be intolerably controlling at times, they basically offered to pay for the reception, and while they were involved, they totally let us plan it. We all did it together. (My parents were deceased, but I also had funds from them). When there were things I wanted to add, I just did it. In the end, I probably paid for about 35% from inheritance, my wife and I paid for about 10% of things from our current income, and my FIL and MIL paid for the remainder. We hadn't asked, they offered out of the gate. It wasn't expected. But it was a wonderful gift. And we had a great party. My inlaws, for instance, didn't care about food. We did. We planned as if we were having a dinner party and hosting guests. It felt like that and people still comment that it was the best reception because they got to enjoy it like a big dinner party. I point this out because they paid more for something that we valued, but they didn't particularly care about. They were offering to cover the reception costs because the food service, catering, and how it was served mattered to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You? What do you have to do with it?
The bride and groom deal with this, not you.

You offer $X to them, whatever you are willing to give, and that's it. If they want more, they can ask his parents.

+1 Ridiculous, not to mention sexist, for the burden to be placed on one set of parents when the means are relatively equal.

This.

+2 Who are these people still living in the dark ages?

[Anonymous]

I’m dying about one set of parents calling the other set to ask for money.

[Anonymous]

Good god, you heterosexuals are exhausting: these antiquated ideas of a woman’s parents have to front the bill for a 5 hour event? Who wrote that rule? And why?

As a gay man, I can’t help but be relieved from these stupid pressures. And, no, we’re not expecting family to help because we’re not helpless.