Drama over who pays for the wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can well afford it, why not pay for your DD's wedding?

If I were in a position to do that, it would give me great joy to pay for my DD's wedding. That is what my parents did for me in 2000, and I am still so grateful.

Why create drama with the future in-laws when you could just agree to pay, and give your DD this really nice gesture?

I posted previously about a wedding we paid for and it was no strings. Keeping bride and groom happy was a huge nice gesture. Thing was no strings but the totl we were willing to pay was based on quotes from 3 venues and none needed outside wedding planners.

2021 gift tax exclusion was 15k- brideX2=30. groomX2=30. Annual total.

Super nice gesture on our part was getting stuck with gift tax return since groom wanted to pick up points by using his credit card. Yes-it came up in conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not owe my kids a wedding. I certainly do not owe them college. Every single court in US, expects divorced parents to get/pay for child-support only till they were 18 yrs old.

My AC should have no expectation of anything from us. We have paid for college, first car, and allowed them to stay with us (all expenses paid) for their first jobs for several years.

They cannot expect that they will start off their adult lives with the same standard of living that we have after decades of working hard. If our relations with them is such that we want to give them the world, then we will make it happen. But other than that, anything that we give to them after 18 is our blessing to them and is dependent on our whim and fancy.

Hi, Dad! Nice post! Remember, though, I get to pick the home you live in when you are infirm! Think of the "whim and fancy" then!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I change my answer. I have 2 boys and a daughter. I would want my daughter to have a dream wedding and no problem paying for it. I would want to go all out and be part of planning.

If my sons were getting married, I would not just foot the bill. If the girl was wealthy, they could pay for it. I would give for down payment on a house.

So you would give your son a house downpayment but not your daughter? What if she would rather have the downpayment? Of course, paying for a house downpayment doesn’t do as much for appearances does it?

What if the daughter just wants the money for her house and plans to elope? I wonder if mother of the bride will be ok with that.

I would have preferred this! My daughters will have the option. I won't proliferate sexist traditions of "giving my daughter away" as she's not mine to give. I will continue to love and support her. I plan to give her about 200k. She can do whatever she wants with it. I don't plan to invite people to her wedding like my mom did. I think that whole type of behavior is antiquated and rooted in values I don't have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not owe my kids a wedding. I certainly do not owe them college. Every single court in US, expects divorced parents to get/pay for child-support only till they were 18 yrs old.

My AC should have no expectation of anything from us. We have paid for college, first car, and allowed them to stay with us (all expenses paid) for their first jobs for several years.

They cannot expect that they will start off their adult lives with the same standard of living that we have after decades of working hard. If our relations with them is such that we want to give them the world, then we will make it happen. But other than that, anything that we give to them after 18 is our blessing to them and is dependent on our whim and fancy.

Hi, Dad! Nice post! Remember, though, I get to pick the home you live in when you are infirm! Think of the "whim and fancy" then!

Aww sweetie, I gave power of attorney to the sibling who doesn't think like this. You won't get to pick my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not owe my kids a wedding. I certainly do not owe them college. Every single court in US, expects divorced parents to get/pay for child-support only till they were 18 yrs old.

My AC should have no expectation of anything from us. We have paid for college, first car, and allowed them to stay with us (all expenses paid) for their first jobs for several years.

They cannot expect that they will start off their adult lives with the same standard of living that we have after decades of working hard. If our relations with them is such that we want to give them the world, then we will make it happen. But other than that, anything that we give to them after 18 is our blessing to them and is dependent on our whim and fancy.

Hi, Dad! Nice post! Remember, though, I get to pick the home you live in when you are infirm! Think of the "whim and fancy" then!

Nah! We have already figured all of this out because what I will earn in my pension is wayyyy more than what you can hope to ever earn in your career! LOL! Sucker!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just curious what top MBA programs are taking folks right out of undergrad?

Programs where the kid comes from a rich family and is going straight into a well known family business.

Lots of kids meet that profile from Ivy undergrads and Columbia, NYU, and HBS are happy to take them. It’s all about establishing or continuing a development relationship with the family/company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BG: our DD and her fiancée are both seniors in college and recently got engaged. DD is accepted into medical school and the fiancée into a top MBA school. Neither has debt from college. We will pay for DD medical school and his parents will pay for MBA school. Both families are well off with family all in the US.

The fiancée’s parents are going to traditional route and want us to pay for our DD’s wedding. While we can, we also have a second DD and their’s is an only child. We also feel we are keeping the young couple out of debt (but so are they). I want to suggest we split the costs but I don’t want to offend them.

DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

The fiancée doesn’t want a fancy wedding but we both have big families.

Should we ask the fiancée’s parents to contribute? How should we word it?

It is 100% the responsibility of the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding, irrespective of family size and wealth. Our son got married about ten years ago and his fiancée’s parents didn’t offer to pay a thing. Yes, we own a successful business, have a 15,000 sqft home, a NW of $150M, and own $1M+ in automobiles, but this shouldn’t have mattered. We had to step up and foot the bill and what a total embarrassment and irrevocable loss of face that was for the father of the bride. He was a proud military man that was dishonorably released, demanded respect, but did nothing to earn it. My son and DIL are now completely estranged from her side of the family. We rightfully own all holidays, birthdays, and priority time with the grandchildren.

This post is a joke, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can well afford it, why not pay for your DD's wedding?

If I were in a position to do that, it would give me great joy to pay for my DD's wedding. That is what my parents did for me in 2000, and I am still so grateful.

Why create drama with the future in-laws when you could just agree to pay, and give your DD this really nice gesture?

I posted previously about a wedding we paid for and it was no strings. Keeping bride and groom happy was a huge nice gesture. Thing was no strings but the totl we were willing to pay was based on quotes from 3 venues and none needed outside wedding planners.

2021 gift tax exclusion was 15k- brideX2=30. groomX2=30. Annual total.

Super nice gesture on our part was getting stuck with gift tax return since groom wanted to pick up points by using his credit card. Yes-it came up in conversation.

[Anonymous]

I never wanted a big wedding and I didn't expect anyone to pay for anything.
However- my ILs always went on about how they didn't believe in old-fashioned traditions (no asking father for hand, etc) and my SIL was open about how they gave her NSA $$ when she got engaged to do with as she pleased and she used it for a big wedding. I felt bad for my DH when they gave him nothing, I assume since he was the groom... but also it made me feel like they didn't approve of our relationship.
It put a weird taste in my mouth for sure and it has always been an awkward relationship since then. As long as I have the money I will be giving my children, regardless of gender, a set sum for whatever they wish.

I think to expect to pay significantly less (or in our case, nothing) just because you have a son is odd unless you and your family are super traditional in other ways too, otherwise it seems like an excuse to show favor or be cheap.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the world of budgeting, young couple! Mom and Dad are giving you $x for your wedding. You decide how to use it. Little wedding and save the rest? Sure. Big wedding that will cost more? Get yourselves some side hustles to pay for it. Go into debt if you think it’s worth it. Perhaps the groom’s parents will give a gift too, or perhaps not. Either way, here’s the gift so spend as you will. Time to make grownup decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the world of budgeting, young couple! Mom and Dad are giving you $x for your wedding. You decide how to use it. Little wedding and save the rest? Sure. Big wedding that will cost more? Get yourselves some side hustles to pay for it. Go into debt if you think it’s worth it. Perhaps the groom’s parents will give a gift too, or perhaps not. Either way, here’s the gift so spend as you will. Time to make grownup decisions.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Our daughter is engaged and the grooms parents want us to pay. Sorry for the typos and autocorrects.

I would push back on this. They can't force you to pay and honestly you are paying for the party. If they want to get married they can do it at a courthouse and just have a small party. Keep it simple. You don't have to invite everyone.

[Anonymous]

Oh just pay. It’s not worth having drama over. You can obvi afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I change my answer. I have 2 boys and a daughter. I would want my daughter to have a dream wedding and no problem paying for it. I would want to go all out and be part of planning.

If my sons were getting married, I would not just foot the bill. If the girl was wealthy, they could pay for it. I would give for down payment on a house.

So you would give your son a house downpayment but not your daughter? What if she would rather have the downpayment? Of course, paying for a house downpayment doesn’t do as much for appearances does it?

What if the daughter just wants the money for her house and plans to elope? I wonder if mother of the bride will be ok with that.

I am pp. I would give my daughter a wedding and a down payment. We can afford all for all the kids. My daughter is 5 years old. I just want her to marry someone nice. Yes, we could also do the same for my boys. Really depends on who they marry and how generous we want to be at time of wedding. I don’t want my kids to expect or know we will pay for it.

[Anonymous]

If following miss manners rules on who pays then pay for your daughters wedding 100 percent.

Which means his side pays ring, honeymoon, rehearsal dinner and most importantly a house. Yes the groom side needs to provide the house.

So pay 100k for wedding and tell them you are fine with that but you want to see the house with both your daughters and son in laws name on title.

When my older sister got married we paid 100 percent for wedding and his side did an equal downpayment in house in both their names.