Drama over who pays for the wedding

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Why are there still sexist people who think it's the bride's family who pays for the wedding, especially when the bride is going to medical school and will be a salaried professional? Makes no sense at all.

Figure out what sort of wedding the lovebirds are envisioning and how much it's likely to cost.

Then pay at least half of that, or as much as you're willing, and hint that the groom's family should contribute as well, since obviously they don't want to be known as sexist assh0les.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the first step is to talk candidly with your daughter. Start getting a feel for the size/type of wedding and what the real numbers are, and then decide if it makes sense to broach the subject of her future in-laws contributing, and if so, the best way to go about that. Of course your future son in law should have input, too, but probably best to let your daughter handle.

Have the future in-laws offered to pay for anything? Typically if the bride's parents are paying for the wedding, the groom's family will pay for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. And many rehearsal dinners end up being mini weddings given the size of the wedding party, inviting out of town guests, etc. That's how my parents and in-laws divided it.

Prior comments that the bride and groom should pay are silly. They are just finishing college and have no money. The bride's parents can afford it and are obviously happy to contribute.

As parents of a groom, we did make the rehearsal dinner a mini wedding, and spent a ton. Also, the whole wedding occurred at our small summer community. So we didn’t feel an ounce of guilt that the bride’s family picked up the tab for the reception. The bride and groom paid for their own honeymoon, which was delayed.

So for the OP, if the groom’s parents are similarly stepping up to the plate, you may have nothing to complain about.

But that's stupid, unless the couple wants two weddings, PP. A lot of people only want to have ONE event, where the costs are split in half. Then there aren't comparisons between the two events, and people don't need to be involved in so much pageantry and prep, which frankly is way too much for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the first step is to talk candidly with your daughter. Start getting a feel for the size/type of wedding and what the real numbers are, and then decide if it makes sense to broach the subject of her future in-laws contributing, and if so, the best way to go about that. Of course your future son in law should have input, too, but probably best to let your daughter handle.

Have the future in-laws offered to pay for anything? Typically if the bride's parents are paying for the wedding, the groom's family will pay for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. And many rehearsal dinners end up being mini weddings given the size of the wedding party, inviting out of town guests, etc. That's how my parents and in-laws divided it.

Prior comments that the bride and groom should pay are silly. They are just finishing college and have no money. The bride's parents can afford it and are obviously happy to contribute.

As parents of a groom, we did make the rehearsal dinner a mini wedding, and spent a ton. Also, the whole wedding occurred at our small summer community. So we didn’t feel an ounce of guilt that the bride’s family picked up the tab for the reception. The bride and groom paid for their own honeymoon, which was delayed.

So for the OP, if the groom’s parents are similarly stepping up to the plate, you may have nothing to complain about.

But that's stupid, unless the couple wants two weddings, PP. A lot of people only want to have ONE event, where the costs are split in half. Then there aren't comparisons between the two events, and people don't need to be involved in so much pageantry and prep, which frankly is way too much for most people.

Why is it stupid? It’s what they want and they can afford it. And anyway, I’ve been to dozens of weddings in the past 10 years and this is very common and also very fun.

[Anonymous]

Wtf. Of course you pay as parents of the bride. You are just being cheap otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I agree that each side should offer a check, and let the couple figure it out from there.
I got married 9 years ago, and my mother in law announced after our engagement that "she would be paying for the weddings of her daughters, and not for her son."
FIL, divorced from MIL, asked if he could pay for the welcome dinner, and invite a larger number of his extended family. I thought that was fair and thoughtful of him.
MIL refused to give a penny, and continued to add to the guest list even after we set a cut off date.
My parents happily gave us an amount that they felt comfortable giving, and DH and I contributed the rest.

I lost a ton of respect for MIL from that process, which was informative. It showed that she was interested in taking and never contributing. It proved true for the duration of our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wtf. Of course you pay as parents of the bride. You are just being cheap otherwise.

You are absolutely ridiculous! This is not 1923.

OP: Maybe the soon-to-be newlyweds put together a couple of options of what they envision, present to both sets of parents, and ask each set to pay for half. I would put it on the groom to ask his parents, so that you can stay out of it.

- signed mom of two sons

[Anonymous]

I was recently MOB to a DD still in grad school. Groom is a recent grad and at the beginning of his career. I contributed a set amount (which was probably 80% of the whole cost) and the groom’s parents paid for a few things and the couple paid for a few things. We made a rough guest list for both sets of parents and the couple so we could research venues and caterers with a set budget in mind. I didn’t ask the groom’s family for anything. The couple wanted a few special things out of our budget so they paid for it themselves or asked his parents to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that each side should offer a check, and let the couple figure it out from there.
I got married 9 years ago, and my mother in law announced after our engagement that "she would be paying for the weddings of her daughters, and not for her son."
FIL, divorced from MIL, asked if he could pay for the welcome dinner, and invite a larger number of his extended family. I thought that was fair and thoughtful of him.
MIL refused to give a penny, and continued to add to the guest list even after we set a cut off date.
My parents happily gave us an amount that they felt comfortable giving, and DH and I contributed the rest.

I lost a ton of respect for MIL from that process, which was informative. It showed that she was interested in taking and never contributing. It proved true for the duration of our marriage.

+1

Agree. This is totally some BS my MIL would pull - away from other people who think she is "great" of course.

:vomit:

[Anonymous]

It's not your job to decide what the other parents could or should pay. It's your job to decide what you are willing to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your situation I would offer a monetary contribution at an amount you think is appropriate for them to spend how they wish on the wedding without regard to what the groom's parents intend to cover. Make sure it is clear that it is the total you can fork out so they can plan the wedding accordingly. And make sure it is enough to cover all the guests that you wish to invite (so that your guest list isn't a burden to the bride and groom).

+1

Cover your guests, maybe, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BG: our DD and her fiancée are both seniors in college and recently got engaged. DD is accepted into medical school and the fiancée into a top MBA school. Neither has debt from college. We will pay for DD medical school and his parents will pay for MBA school. Both families are well off with family all in the US.

The fiancée’s parents are going to traditional route and want us to pay for our DD’s wedding. While we can, we also have a second DD and their’s is an only child. We also feel we are keeping the young couple out of debt (but so are they). I want to suggest we split the costs but I don’t want to offend them.

DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

The fiancée doesn’t want a fancy wedding but we both have big families.

Should we ask the fiancée’s parents to contribute? How should we word it?

It is 100% the responsibility of the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding, irrespective of family size and wealth. Our son got married about ten years ago and his fiancée’s parents didn’t offer to pay a thing. Yes, we own a successful business, have a 15,000 sqft home, a NW of $150M, and own $1M+ in automobiles, but this shouldn’t have mattered. We had to step up and foot the bill and what a total embarrassment and irrevocable loss of face that was for the father of the bride. He was a proud military man that was dishonorably released, demanded respect, but did nothing to earn it. My son and DIL are now completely estranged from her side of the family. We rightfully own all holidays, birthdays, and priority time with the grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not your job to decide what the other parents could or should pay. It's your job to decide what you are willing to pay.

+1

[Anonymous]

I find it odd that parents are expected to pay for the wedding. My parents offered a set amount we could use for the wedding or to buy a house, etc, basically a cash gift. DH and I paid for our wedding. Why do they have to get married if they are not financially independent? It seems contradictory to create your own, independent family unit if you still require financial support from both parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused by the sexes in this scenario. Do you have a dd or a ds? Are they engaged to a fiance? or a fiancee?

Yeah, these acronyms are so stupid.

Does it really save any time to type DS instead of son???

Are you people really so dense that you couldn't figure it out from context. Plus, why does the gender matter? The question asked was straightforward.

Are you so dense you didn't read it? OP called the person getting married both a DD and a DS. Which is it? Please clear up the confusion.

The context was clear. People post from their damn phones. Get a life.

And police a thread like your amazing life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf. Of course you pay as parents of the bride. You are just being cheap otherwise.

You are absolutely ridiculous! This is not 1923.

OP: Maybe the soon-to-be newlyweds put together a couple of options of what they envision, present to both sets of parents, and ask each set to pay for half. I would put it on the groom to ask his parents, so that you can stay out of it.

- signed mom of two sons

+1

I plan to contribute equally to my children's weddings. Signed, mother of one son and one daughter