Drama over who pays for the wedding

[Anonymous]

Big weddings are such a waste of money. My brother and SIL had 5 or 600 people at theirs. It was nuts. It was my SIL’s “dream wedding”. Her parents are working class and my parents are MC. The couple and my parents (the herons parents) paid because her parents couldn’t.

I got married a year later and had 8 people at the wedding, which my parents happily paid 100% for. It was great but there was a bit of a scene at the dinner table when my dad pronounced that this was his ideal of a wedding abs he hated big weddings (after just having paid for part of the 600 person “dream” wedding). SIL cried at the table.

[Anonymous]

Should say (the groom’s parents)

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is there are no absolutes. “The bride’s family needs to pay” “the couple needs to wait until they afford it” etc. are all wrong. The particular family dynamics and financial situations at play obviously dictate. And different groups of people have different social norms. My DH and I both grew up well off and his family paid for the rehearsal and honeymoon and mine paid for the wedding and reception. I don’t even remember it being up for discussion. All of my good friends from high school and college (good enough that I heard all of the wedding planning drama) had the same split. But I also have friends from other parts of my life who did it differently and that’s totally fine!

[Anonymous]

OP, tell them either no or what you are willing to contribute. Tell them that you pay for college and education but you will either pay this amount or the kids need to pay on their own. An education is far more important than a wedding. We had a tiny wedding. I'd help pay for a tiny inexpensive one but I would not pay for a grand wedding. If they want a grand wedding, they can pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BG: our DD and her fiancée are both seniors in college and recently got engaged. DD is accepted into medical school and the fiancée into a top MBA school. Neither has debt from college. We will pay for DD medical school and his parents will pay for MBA school. Both families are well off with family all in the US.

The fiancée’s parents are going to traditional route and want us to pay for our DD’s wedding. While we can, we also have a second DD and their’s is an only child. We also feel we are keeping the young couple out of debt (but so are they). I want to suggest we split the costs but I don’t want to offend them.

DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

The fiancée doesn’t want a fancy wedding but we both have big families.

Should we ask the fiancée’s parents to contribute? How should we word it?

OP, you each split the costs or the kids pay or each contribute what you want. However, given their ages, continuing their education it may be best to wait for health insurance reasons.Personally I would not pay for a wedding, education only or a small, very small one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I change my answer. I have 2 boys and a daughter. I would want my daughter to have a dream wedding and no problem paying for it. I would want to go all out and be part of planning.

If my sons were getting married, I would not just foot the bill. If the girl was wealthy, they could pay for it. I would give for down payment on a house.

So you would give your son a house downpayment but not your daughter? What if she would rather have the downpayment? Of course, paying for a house downpayment doesn’t do as much for appearances does it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I change my answer. I have 2 boys and a daughter. I would want my daughter to have a dream wedding and no problem paying for it. I would want to go all out and be part of planning.

If my sons were getting married, I would not just foot the bill. If the girl was wealthy, they could pay for it. I would give for down payment on a house.

So you would give your son a house downpayment but not your daughter? What if she would rather have the downpayment? Of course, paying for a house downpayment doesn’t do as much for appearances does it?

What if the daughter just wants the money for her house and plans to elope? I wonder if mother of the bride will be ok with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can well afford it, why not pay for your DD's wedding?

If I were in a position to do that, it would give me great joy to pay for my DD's wedding. That is what my parents did for me in 2000, and I am still so grateful.

Why create drama with the future in-laws when you could just agree to pay, and give your DD this really nice gesture?

What gives a groom’s parents the right to dictate what another set of parents does for their ADULT son’s wedding? If this were any other scenario(like parents paying for college) other than a wedding they would get chewed out and get told they are out of line. Why is it seen as ok behavior for the groom’s parents to meddle in what the brides parents do? Why is it even any of their business who pays anyway? Don’t you traditionalists like to spout the whole groom’s mom wears beige and just shows up and shut up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can well afford it, why not pay for your DD's wedding?

If I were in a position to do that, it would give me great joy to pay for my DD's wedding. That is what my parents did for me in 2000, and I am still so grateful.

Why create drama with the future in-laws when you could just agree to pay, and give your DD this really nice gesture?

What gives a groom’s parents the right to dictate what another set of parents does for their ADULT son’s wedding? If this were any other scenario(like parents paying for college) other than a wedding they would get chewed out and get told they are out of line. Why is it seen as ok behavior for the groom’s parents to meddle in what the brides parents do? Why is it even any of their business who pays anyway? Don’t you traditionalists like to spout the whole groom’s mom wears beige and just shows up and shut up?

We don't even know that, though. Could be OP's interpretation, based on groom's parents not wanting to pay for half of a giant wedding, or just giving groom a set amount of money, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should say (the groom’s parents)

I would love to attend a wedding with herons! And of course the bird and loon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no point in inviting lots of extended family and family friends, most of whom couple couldn't care to have there.

+1
Perfect if the couple is paying for the wedding. If the parents pay then they get to invite whoever they want to. The parents that do not pitch in do not have dibs on anything. They can attend only as invited guests.

[Anonymous]

I do not owe my kids a wedding. I certainly do not owe them college. Every single court in US, expects divorced parents to get/pay for child-support only till they were 18 yrs old.

My AC should have no expectation of anything from us. We have paid for college, first car, and allowed them to stay with us (all expenses paid) for their first jobs for several years.

They cannot expect that they will start off their adult lives with the same standard of living that we have after decades of working hard. If our relations with them is such that we want to give them the world, then we will make it happen. But other than that, anything that we give to them after 18 is our blessing to them and is dependent on our whim and fancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not owe my kids a wedding. I certainly do not owe them college. Every single court in US, expects divorced parents to get/pay for child-support only till they were 18 yrs old.

My AC should have no expectation of anything from us. We have paid for college, first car, and allowed them to stay with us (all expenses paid) for their first jobs for several years.

They cannot expect that they will start off their adult lives with the same standard of living that we have after decades of working hard. If our relations with them is such that we want to give them the world, then we will make it happen. But other than that, anything that we give to them after 18 is our blessing to them and is dependent on our whim and fancy.

You might want to check your research on that

[Anonymous]

OP, if there "is drama", you have gone too long without having a meaningful conversation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bride's parents pay for the wedding

Groom's family pays for rehearsal dinner

Groom pays for honeymoon.

Those are the rules

No, no they are not.