Drama over who pays for the wedding

[Anonymous]

BG: our DD and her fiancée are both seniors in college and recently got engaged. DD is accepted into medical school and the fiancée into a top MBA school. Neither has debt from college. We will pay for DD medical school and his parents will pay for MBA school. Both families are well off with family all in the US.

The fiancée’s parents are going to traditional route and want us to pay for our DD’s wedding. While we can, we also have a second DD and their’s is an only child. We also feel we are keeping the young couple out of debt (but so are they). I want to suggest we split the costs but I don’t want to offend them.

DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

The fiancée doesn’t want a fancy wedding but we both have big families.

Should we ask the fiancée’s parents to contribute? How should we word it?

[Anonymous]

You? What do you have to do with it?
The bride and groom deal with this, not you.

You offer $X to them, whatever you are willing to give, and that's it. If they want more, they can ask his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You? What do you have to do with it?
The bride and groom deal with this, not you.

You offer $X to them, whatever you are willing to give, and that's it. If they want more, they can ask his parents.

+1 Ridiculous, not to mention sexist, for the burden to be placed on one set of parents when the means are relatively equal.

[Anonymous]

You should offer the couple a wedding gift that you feel is appropriate. The couple can sort out what to do with the other parents. It's not your concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You? What do you have to do with it?
The bride and groom deal with this, not you.

You offer $X to them, whatever you are willing to give, and that's it. If they want more, they can ask his parents.

This. And who cares what the fiancé's parents want. Last I checked, they're not your boss.

[Anonymous]

You tell your daughter how much you can afford to contribute to the wedding. If the couple wants a wedding that costs more, they can ask his parents. This is not your problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should offer the couple a wedding gift that you feel is appropriate. The couple can sort out what to do with the other parents. It's not your concern.

Sure but only if the parents stay out of everything, including the guest list. With x dollar contribution from one or both sides, they will only be able to invite Y people. And that's that.

[Anonymous]

I'm so confused by the sexes in this scenario. Do you have a dd or a ds? Are they engaged to a fiance? or a fiancee?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You? What do you have to do with it?
The bride and groom deal with this, not you.

You offer $X to them, whatever you are willing to give, and that's it. If they want more, they can ask his parents.

+1

That’s what we did when our daughter became engaged in her early 20s. I think his family is contributing something as well, but we stayed out of it, and she and her fiancé discussed it with his parents like mature people who are old enough to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You? What do you have to do with it?
The bride and groom deal with this, not you.

You offer $X to them, whatever you are willing to give, and that's it. If they want more, they can ask his parents.

+1 this is not your issue. I don’t care that the groom’s family ‘wants to take the traditional route’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused by the sexes in this scenario. Do you have a dd or a ds? Are they engaged to a fiance? or a fiancee?

It doesn't even matter. OP should give them whatever amount they feel comfortable with and then stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should offer the couple a wedding gift that you feel is appropriate. The couple can sort out what to do with the other parents. It's not your concern.

Sure but only if the parents stay out of everything, including the guest list. With x dollar contribution from one or both sides, they will only be able to invite Y people. And that's that.

Completely agree with this too.

[Anonymous]

Is it two women getting married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell your daughter how much you can afford to contribute to the wedding. If the couple wants a wedding that costs more, they can ask his parents. This is not your problem to solve.

This.

It sounds like you are well-off and generous and probably willing and able to pay for a wedding whether it's $20k, $40k or $80k. That probably makes setting a gift amount difficult. So you might have to talk more with your DD about the couple's thoughts and hopes for the wedding, and go from there.

But definitely don't broker this between yourself and the other parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should offer the couple a wedding gift that you feel is appropriate. The couple can sort out what to do with the other parents. It's not your concern.

Sure but only if the parents stay out of everything, including the guest list. With x dollar contribution from one or both sides, they will only be able to invite Y people. And that's that.

Completely agree with this too.

+2 the parents can deal with any issues regarding members of "big families" not being invited.