The urge to SAH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always felt like the majority of women who want to SAH hate their jobs or aren’t big earners. I know there are exceptions but that’s how it’s played out in my social circle. I am not at all judging— I think people who want to SAH and can should.

+1. And the higher-income ones have workaholic husbands. I simply don’t see many well-educated, ambitious women dropping out.

I can’t help feel offended by this comment. I’m well educated. I have never felt as passionate about anything as I do my children. I worked in finance and used to work a ton and earn giant bonuses. To achieve this required great sacrifice. I tried moving laterally and did not enjoy having a job for the sake of having a job. I live in an affluent neighborhood full of SAHMs. The homes in our neighborhood all cost several million and you can’t live here unless you are wealthy. There are politicians, professional athletes, business owners, executives and law partners with stay at home wives. Pretty sure all my neighbors all make seven figures and/or come from family money.

Kinda proving my point (and PP’s point) here. If your spouse is a workaholic and you hate your job, of course you are going to SAH. If you don’t have those issues but you are well-educated and ambitious, you probably will stay in your career, no matter how wealthy you are. (Like me - I make about a quarter of my husband’s seven-figure income but we both have flexible schedules and enjoy our jobs so we both keep working).

My husband is not a workaholic. Our neighborhood is full of couples walking around in the middle of the day. Our country club has guys playing golf during the middle of the day as well. Of course my DH had to work to earn his seven figures but he isn’t a workaholic.

Most of my friends before I stayed home still work. Most of my kids’ friends’ moms work. Maybe I will return to work eventually. For now, I’m enjoying my life. Dh doesn’t think I can give up 2-3 month summer vacations and going away all the time. We travel every long weekend and school break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always felt like the majority of women who want to SAH hate their jobs or aren’t big earners. I know there are exceptions but that’s how it’s played out in my social circle. I am not at all judging— I think people who want to SAH and can should.

+1. And the higher-income ones have workaholic husbands. I simply don’t see many well-educated, ambitious women dropping out.

I can’t help feel offended by this comment. I’m well educated. I have never felt as passionate about anything as I do my children. I worked in finance and used to work a ton and earn giant bonuses. To achieve this required great sacrifice. I tried moving laterally and did not enjoy having a job for the sake of having a job. I live in an affluent neighborhood full of SAHMs. The homes in our neighborhood all cost several million and you can’t live here unless you are wealthy. There are politicians, professional athletes, business owners, executives and law partners with stay at home wives. Pretty sure all my neighbors all make seven figures and/or come from family money.

Kinda proving my point (and PP’s point) here. If your spouse is a workaholic and you hate your job, of course you are going to SAH. If you don’t have those issues but you are well-educated and ambitious, you probably will stay in your career, no matter how wealthy you are. (Like me - I make about a quarter of my husband’s seven-figure income but we both have flexible schedules and enjoy our jobs so we both keep working).

Very few men earn 7 figures and aren’t workaholics. Of course there is always family money I guess. I also live in an affluent area and most of my neighbors are business owners of some sort. Almost all of them have stay at home wives. I do know of a female real estate agent and one attorney. At the end of the day most people are working for a paycheck. Men earning 7 figures don’t care if their wives work professionally. My female neighbors are busy with social plans, vacations, children, school events, fundraisers etc. Their husbands do not need them to work some 200k job just to have a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always felt like the majority of women who want to SAH hate their jobs or aren’t big earners. I know there are exceptions but that’s how it’s played out in my social circle. I am not at all judging— I think people who want to SAH and can should.

+1. And the higher-income ones have workaholic husbands. I simply don’t see many well-educated, ambitious women dropping out.

I can’t help feel offended by this comment. I’m well educated. I have never felt as passionate about anything as I do my children. I worked in finance and used to work a ton and earn giant bonuses. To achieve this required great sacrifice. I tried moving laterally and did not enjoy having a job for the sake of having a job. I live in an affluent neighborhood full of SAHMs. The homes in our neighborhood all cost several million and you can’t live here unless you are wealthy. There are politicians, professional athletes, business owners, executives and law partners with stay at home wives. Pretty sure all my neighbors all make seven figures and/or come from family money.

Kinda proving my point (and PP’s point) here. If your spouse is a workaholic and you hate your job, of course you are going to SAH. If you don’t have those issues but you are well-educated and ambitious, you probably will stay in your career, no matter how wealthy you are. (Like me - I make about a quarter of my husband’s seven-figure income but we both have flexible schedules and enjoy our jobs so we both keep working).

Strongly disagree with this. It is kind of sad but almost every female friend from my childhood is married to someone wealthy and isn’t working. They simply don’t need the money and most people do not consider being a lawyer that much fun. What’s fun? Winter ski trips, summers at their beach house, planning and hosting parties etc. I think someone like PP is biased from living in DC.

[Anonymous]

I’m well educated and ambitious and I chose to SAHM. My job was not conducive to parenting the way I wanted, so I quit. I approached being a SAHM as I approach everything— with lots of research, in an organized way, and balancing priorities. I did not “make my children my whole life” because that would not benefit me or them. I’ve always made time for myself, I facilitate a close relationship with their dad and grandparents, and I hire part time childcare at times both to give me a break and to help my kids develop relationships with other adults.

As a SAHM, I’ve had more time to read. I’ve also gotten to learn about a wide range of issues— child development, art, space, animals and biology. There is no end to what you must learn in order to parent well. I approach it with joy and my kids do too.

Now that they are in school, I’m crafting a re-entry to work, but no way am I going back to a 9-6 office job working for someone else. I’ve started doing freelance consulting, am applying to graduate programs, and am building a business plan for something that builds off my old career but incorporates things I’ve learned as a SAHM. I feel more motivated than ever.

I never understand these threads that act like SAHM/working is some binary choice and you must pick a side and explain why that makes you a better person. There are more than two choices and being smart, ambitious, hard-working, or interesting does not mean you have to do one or the other.

There is no amount of money for which I would return to my high-paying, demanding, prestigious former corporate job. So glad I left, so glad I had this time with my kids, so ready for the next chapter.

Think outside the box, folks. Life does not need to be so small or limiting.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand, if working husbands can manage all this travel, why can't the wives? I don't understand the argument, "If I go back to work we couldn't travel this much." Does your husband not come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand, if working husbands can manage all this travel, why can't the wives? I don't understand the argument, "If I go back to work we couldn't travel this much." Does your husband not come?

I would estimate that we are away on vacation 10-16 weeks per year. DH usually takes 3-4 full weeks and may meet us for a long weekend. He has to work to earn his seven figures. He actually used to work more when I worked. We vacationed less. Now he is more established and dictates his schedule. He probably could take more time off but he chooses not to. His work needs him.

[Anonymous]

I went out with some very rich women recently. The ones with the real money looked at the working professionals like they were so middle class. I know some women think they are changing the world but most jobs are unimpressive and no one cares if you work or not. Of course there are women who do amazing work and making a real difference but most aren’t. The flexible jobs that allow you to be there for your kids are normally nothing special. Perhaps working from home being a lawyer or fed sounds awesome to some women but I wouldn’t want to be stuck checking in daily. That won’t work for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went out with some very rich women recently. The ones with the real money looked at the working professionals like they were so middle class. I know some women think they are changing the world but most jobs are unimpressive and no one cares if you work or not. Of course there are women who do amazing work and making a real difference but most aren’t. The flexible jobs that allow you to be there for your kids are normally nothing special. Perhaps working from home being a lawyer or fed sounds awesome to some women but I wouldn’t want to be stuck checking in daily. That won’t work for our family.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went out with some very rich women recently. The ones with the real money looked at the working professionals like they were so middle class. I know some women think they are changing the world but most jobs are unimpressive and no one cares if you work or not. Of course there are women who do amazing work and making a real difference but most aren’t. The flexible jobs that allow you to be there for your kids are normally nothing special. Perhaps working from home being a lawyer or fed sounds awesome to some women but I wouldn’t want to be stuck checking in daily. That won’t work for our family.

Do you talk like this in front of your daughters? Crapping on other women’s careers as nothing special and unimpressive? I work and my DD has never heard me say one negative thing about any woman’s choice, whether it’s working a lot more than I do or staying home. I’m aware she may make other choices and I will support her regardless, so the last thing I want is her feeling like I’m going to be looking down on her choices because she’s heard me talking down other women in the past. But I also don’t think middle class is an insult so YMMV….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went out with some very rich women recently. The ones with the real money looked at the working professionals like they were so middle class. I know some women think they are changing the world but most jobs are unimpressive and no one cares if you work or not. Of course there are women who do amazing work and making a real difference but most aren’t. The flexible jobs that allow you to be there for your kids are normally nothing special. Perhaps working from home being a lawyer or fed sounds awesome to some women but I wouldn’t want to be stuck checking in daily. That won’t work for our family.

Do you talk like this in front of your daughters? Crapping on other women’s careers as nothing special and unimpressive? I work and my DD has never heard me say one negative thing about any woman’s choice, whether it’s working a lot more than I do or staying home. I’m aware she may make other choices and I will support her regardless, so the last thing I want is her feeling like I’m going to be looking down on her choices because she’s heard me talking down other women in the past. But I also don’t think middle class is an insult so YMMV….

DP. I’m sure PP would say the same applies to men. Most people are working for a paycheck and their jobs aren’t that meaningful. Some jobs are important and change lives, but most do not. Most people would not show up to work if their employer stopped paying them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m well educated and ambitious and I chose to SAHM. My job was not conducive to parenting the way I wanted, so I quit. I approached being a SAHM as I approach everything— with lots of research, in an organized way, and balancing priorities. I did not “make my children my whole life” because that would not benefit me or them. I’ve always made time for myself, I facilitate a close relationship with their dad and grandparents, and I hire part time childcare at times both to give me a break and to help my kids develop relationships with other adults.

As a SAHM, I’ve had more time to read. I’ve also gotten to learn about a wide range of issues— child development, art, space, animals and biology. There is no end to what you must learn in order to parent well. I approach it with joy and my kids do too.

Now that they are in school, I’m crafting a re-entry to work, but no way am I going back to a 9-6 office job working for someone else. I’ve started doing freelance consulting, am applying to graduate programs, and am building a business plan for something that builds off my old career but incorporates things I’ve learned as a SAHM. I feel more motivated than ever.

I never understand these threads that act like SAHM/working is some binary choice and you must pick a side and explain why that makes you a better person. There are more than two choices and being smart, ambitious, hard-working, or interesting does not mean you have to do one or the other.

There is no amount of money for which I would return to my high-paying, demanding, prestigious former corporate job. So glad I left, so glad I had this time with my kids, so ready for the next chapter.

Think outside the box, folks. Life does not need to be so small or limiting.

Well said, and I’m so curious about your new direction!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went out with some very rich women recently. The ones with the real money looked at the working professionals like they were so middle class. I know some women think they are changing the world but most jobs are unimpressive and no one cares if you work or not. Of course there are women who do amazing work and making a real difference but most aren’t. The flexible jobs that allow you to be there for your kids are normally nothing special. Perhaps working from home being a lawyer or fed sounds awesome to some women but I wouldn’t want to be stuck checking in daily. That won’t work for our family.

I work and always will, but I agree with this wholeheartedly. At least with regards to the kind of jobs that pay the bills I need to pay. I might still work if I was independently wealthy or my DH made an enormous amount of money, but it would be work I truly do for myself -- I'd write books or take up painting or build out a business I really loved but which was not necessarily very lucrative. I have a good job and make decent money plus my job is flexible. It's best case scenario for someone like me, who does in fact have to work in order to give my family the things I want. I did SAHM for a while when kids were young (until my oldest was in full time preschool) and really enjoyed being with my kids. I loved the pace and the quality time and how relaxed it made our family.

When I went back to work I prioritized flexibility and lower stress and got it -- I'm really happy with my job. But I can't really relate to some of the things people write about being a working mom on these boards. I have some friends who have more important and likely fulfilling jobs than I do, but they also travel a lot for work and there's just a lot of demands and I know it's hard because they tell me it is. I admire their work but I wouldn't trade places for anything, not while I have small children at home. I don't think they are bad moms (they are great mothers) or that their kids suffer. I just think they miss out, and they seem to think so too. Yes, they get something else, but it's not a tradeoff I'd make.

There's no way I'd do the job I have if we didn't need the money. Zero chance. And you know, my DH wouldn't either. We wouldn't sit around and do nothing, but we'd be really happy to have more family time and to dedicate ourselves to other things.

Work is just not interesting or rewarding, other than financially, about 99.999999% of the time. And it's okay to admit that. Raising kids is rewarding even though you don't get paid. That's the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went out with some very rich women recently. The ones with the real money looked at the working professionals like they were so middle class. I know some women think they are changing the world but most jobs are unimpressive and no one cares if you work or not. Of course there are women who do amazing work and making a real difference but most aren’t. The flexible jobs that allow you to be there for your kids are normally nothing special. Perhaps working from home being a lawyer or fed sounds awesome to some women but I wouldn’t want to be stuck checking in daily. That won’t work for our family.

And ambitious, professional women care what Real Housewives think because…?

My friend’s semi-BFF/semi-frenemy lives like this. And is eaten up by anxiety from the mommy politics at their school, club. A husband with too many temptations and plausible reasons to spend nights away from his family. Orthorexia to continue to attract the husband and outdo the other SAHMs at the next fundraiser. It is an empty life. Better to keep your mind engaged and busy, even with a “nothing special” job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went out with some very rich women recently. The ones with the real money looked at the working professionals like they were so middle class. I know some women think they are changing the world but most jobs are unimpressive and no one cares if you work or not. Of course there are women who do amazing work and making a real difference but most aren’t. The flexible jobs that allow you to be there for your kids are normally nothing special. Perhaps working from home being a lawyer or fed sounds awesome to some women but I wouldn’t want to be stuck checking in daily. That won’t work for our family.

And ambitious, professional women care what Real Housewives think because…?

My friend’s semi-BFF/semi-frenemy lives like this. And is eaten up by anxiety from the mommy politics at their school, club. A husband with too many temptations and plausible reasons to spend nights away from his family. Orthorexia to continue to attract the husband and outdo the other SAHMs at the next fundraiser. It is an empty life. Better to keep your mind engaged and busy, even with a “nothing special” job.

This doesn’t sound any better or worse than handing over 40 hours a week to corporate America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went out with some very rich women recently. The ones with the real money looked at the working professionals like they were so middle class. I know some women think they are changing the world but most jobs are unimpressive and no one cares if you work or not. Of course there are women who do amazing work and making a real difference but most aren’t. The flexible jobs that allow you to be there for your kids are normally nothing special. Perhaps working from home being a lawyer or fed sounds awesome to some women but I wouldn’t want to be stuck checking in daily. That won’t work for our family.

Do you talk like this in front of your daughters? Crapping on other women’s careers as nothing special and unimpressive? I work and my DD has never heard me say one negative thing about any woman’s choice, whether it’s working a lot more than I do or staying home. I’m aware she may make other choices and I will support her regardless, so the last thing I want is her feeling like I’m going to be looking down on her choices because she’s heard me talking down other women in the past. But I also don’t think middle class is an insult so YMMV….

DP. I’m sure PP would say the same applies to men. Most people are working for a paycheck and their jobs aren’t that meaningful. Some jobs are important and change lives, but most do not. Most people would not show up to work if their employer stopped paying them.

I do pity you and the other posters who find very little meaning from work. Either you are in the wrong line of work, or you are too stressed out from life in general to take a breath and enjoy things. It is rewarding to use your brain in different ways, think analytically, get an adrenaline rush from preparing for a big project or meeting or case or surgery and then the endorphins from knocking it out of the ballpark. And this is true whether you are a scientist at Sloan Kettering who made a breakthrough discovery, or an accountant at Widgets Inc.