Please don't ask for "gifts of time"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mind a gift of time. I asked my husband for new running shoes, but also for him to make an appointment for me at a local running store and arrange plans with the kids so I can go and shop on a relaxed timeline without feeling rushed.

I think your relative’s requests are excessive because they are regular occurrences. I wouldn’t mind if it was one show at the Kennedy center or one dinner or one weekend getaway.

Kennedy Center? We tried that one with a difficult person- all it got was arguments on which show, date, time, seating location, dining option. The idea was get tickets, eat for 30 minutes in the cafeteria [or just snack-sandwiches from lobby bar], separate transportation to/from. Lunch and dinner are a hassle- no option on venue, date, time.

Show was a great idea but it suggested car service for all, offsite after show dinner, etc. How to turn a local outing to a show at the Kennedy Center into a prom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mind a gift of time. I asked my husband for new running shoes, but also for him to make an appointment for me at a local running store and arrange plans with the kids so I can go and shop on a relaxed timeline without feeling rushed.

I think your relative’s requests are excessive because they are regular occurrences. I wouldn’t mind if it was one show at the Kennedy center or one dinner or one weekend getaway.

Kennedy Center? We tried that one with a difficult person- all it got was arguments on which show, date, time, seating location, dining option. The idea was get tickets, eat for 30 minutes in the cafeteria [or just snack-sandwiches from lobby bar], separate transportation to/from. Lunch and dinner are a hassle- no option on venue, date, time.

Show was a great idea but it suggested car service for all, offsite after show dinner, etc. How to turn a local outing to a show at the Kennedy Center into a prom.

Yet many many people manage this. Why assume the extreme position that these people are very difficult without any information suggesting it? Many people can manage a night out with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mind a gift of time. I asked my husband for new running shoes, but also for him to make an appointment for me at a local running store and arrange plans with the kids so I can go and shop on a relaxed timeline without feeling rushed.

I think your relative’s requests are excessive because they are regular occurrences. I wouldn’t mind if it was one show at the Kennedy center or one dinner or one weekend getaway.

Kennedy Center? We tried that one with a difficult person- all it got was arguments on which show, date, time, seating location, dining option. The idea was get tickets, eat for 30 minutes in the cafeteria [or just snack-sandwiches from lobby bar], separate transportation to/from. Lunch and dinner are a hassle- no option on venue, date, time.

Show was a great idea but it suggested car service for all, offsite after show dinner, etc. How to turn a local outing to a show at the Kennedy Center into a prom.

Yet many many people manage this. Why assume the extreme position that these people are very difficult without any information suggesting it? Many people can manage a night out with their parents.

That was one person I posted about - Kennedy Center shows are easy outings with anyone else. I'm the parent of adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

You’re not “dining indoors yet”? Wtf is wrong with you? Jesus Christ see someone about that deep rooted and absurd anxiety disorder. It’s time to move passed the pandemic.

Please seek extensive therapy to deal with the fact that other people aren’t doing the same things you are. Or, you know, try getting a life.

You need to, you know, try getting a different come back. You be told about 12 people to “get a life”. This from someone that is still too afraid to eat indoors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

I had to check the date on this post.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?

NP. I checked the date, also. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

I had to check the date on this post.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?

NP. I checked the date, also. Lol.

SAME!

[Anonymous]

Just to offer a different perspective as a healthcare provider who works with older adults: it has been a lonely time for older adults in the last couple of years. That doesn’t mean you need to acquiesce to their requests, but maybe try to understand where they are coming from.
Remember the way you treat your parents and other older relatives is being observed by your kids. They are watching and learning from you.
Consider what kind of interaction you will want with your kids when you are your parents’ age. Try to model it, or remember to adjust your expectations in 20-30 years.

Consider suggesting a reduced frequency or a limited timeframe. But it is not a bad thing that they want to spend time with you and your family. They see the ends of their lives happening in the next 10-20 years. It is not unreasonable to want to spend time with people they care about it. Maybe their expectations are unrealistic due to your other obligations, so let them know what works for you. I am just saying that asking for gifts of time shouldn’t be viewed as manipulative or selfish.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, I got a distracted by the “not dining indoors yet.” I might understand not currently dining indoors, but not dining indoors “yet”??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to offer a different perspective as a healthcare provider who works with older adults: it has been a lonely time for older adults in the last couple of years. That doesn’t mean you need to acquiesce to their requests, but maybe try to understand where they are coming from.
Remember the way you treat your parents and other older relatives is being observed by your kids. They are watching and learning from you.
Consider what kind of interaction you will want with your kids when you are your parents’ age. Try to model it, or remember to adjust your expectations in 20-30 years.

Consider suggesting a reduced frequency or a limited timeframe. But it is not a bad thing that they want to spend time with you and your family. They see the ends of their lives happening in the next 10-20 years. It is not unreasonable to want to spend time with people they care about it. Maybe their expectations are unrealistic due to your other obligations, so let them know what works for you. I am just saying that asking for gifts of time shouldn’t be viewed as manipulative or selfish.

I mean, 20-30 years ago I was being babysat by my grandparents at least 2 weekends a month plus they hosted all holidays and I spent weeks with them
on school breaks and in the summer. My mom has said she doesn’t enjoy babysitting my children and doesn’t want to do it, and has literally never hosted a holiday so just asks around in the family to find the best deal. So, she set up something for me to emulate but then didn’t follow through and now I am confused and overwhelmed and she’s mad at me for not making beef tenderloin for Christmas. Please advise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, I got a distracted by the “not dining indoors yet.” I might understand not currently dining indoors, but not dining indoors “yet”??

Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering it’s coming from the adults on both sides of the family, is it possible that you’re a bit controlling with your immediate family’s time? You mentioned the “adults” so I’m assuming that you have kids. Maybe the extended families want more time with you and the kids?

Also, yes, the requesters, a bit strange. Have you considered asking why they have made such a strange request?

NP. Oh, please. A lot of us in this area live a few hours away from each set of parents, and we know that they can be bottomless pits of expectation and asking. We have each set visit us several times a year, we visit them each at least twice, we spend a week of vacation with each side, we FaceTime and call at least weekly, AND STILL it’s never enough. It’s not about anyone being controlling with their family time, working parents are just trying to live life and not constantly be inundated with grandparent whining.

It’s not “strange” that grandparents asked for time, though. It’s obvious: they already have enough stuff. So much stuff that no one wants, and they don’t want or need more. Everyone has too much stuff, especially old people who have accumulated and inherited a great deal already.

.Wow.😳 Are you always so uptight and blunt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to offer a different perspective as a healthcare provider who works with older adults: it has been a lonely time for older adults in the last couple of years. That doesn’t mean you need to acquiesce to their requests, but maybe try to understand where they are coming from.
Remember the way you treat your parents and other older relatives is being observed by your kids. They are watching and learning from you.
Consider what kind of interaction you will want with your kids when you are your parents’ age. Try to model it, or remember to adjust your expectations in 20-30 years.

Consider suggesting a reduced frequency or a limited timeframe. But it is not a bad thing that they want to spend time with you and your family. They see the ends of their lives happening in the next 10-20 years. It is not unreasonable to want to spend time with people they care about it. Maybe their expectations are unrealistic due to your other obligations, so let them know what works for you. I am just saying that asking for gifts of time shouldn’t be viewed as manipulative or selfish.

I mean, 20-30 years ago I was being babysat by my grandparents at least 2 weekends a month plus they hosted all holidays and I spent weeks with them
on school breaks and in the summer. My mom has said she doesn’t enjoy babysitting my children and doesn’t want to do it, and has literally never hosted a holiday so just asks around in the family to find the best deal. So, she set up something for me to emulate but then didn’t follow through and now I am confused and overwhelmed and she’s mad at me for not making beef tenderloin for Christmas. Please advise.

We only have control over own behavior and can't change the past or others. We can try to affect the present and future only. And we are more enlightened than previous generations. Maybe we can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to offer a different perspective as a healthcare provider who works with older adults: it has been a lonely time for older adults in the last couple of years. That doesn’t mean you need to acquiesce to their requests, but maybe try to understand where they are coming from.
Remember the way you treat your parents and other older relatives is being observed by your kids. They are watching and learning from you.
Consider what kind of interaction you will want with your kids when you are your parents’ age. Try to model it, or remember to adjust your expectations in 20-30 years.

Consider suggesting a reduced frequency or a limited timeframe. But it is not a bad thing that they want to spend time with you and your family. They see the ends of their lives happening in the next 10-20 years. It is not unreasonable to want to spend time with people they care about it. Maybe their expectations are unrealistic due to your other obligations, so let them know what works for you. I am just saying that asking for gifts of time shouldn’t be viewed as manipulative or selfish.

Then they need to meet us halfway. Sorry they were so BORED when we were drowning in responsibilities and had no way to watch our kids and work. I can’t even imagine what free time would have looked like. After the kids went to bed we’d work until late at night and then get up early to work more. There were no offers to help

Instead of asking us to visit them- why not take the kids to a museum or the zoo? Instead you want a command performance from the kids while they sit on your couch for an entire Saturday. It’s not fair to kids. They have activities and there’s so much more that’s interesting they could be doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to offer a different perspective as a healthcare provider who works with older adults: it has been a lonely time for older adults in the last couple of years. That doesn’t mean you need to acquiesce to their requests, but maybe try to understand where they are coming from.
Remember the way you treat your parents and other older relatives is being observed by your kids. They are watching and learning from you.
Consider what kind of interaction you will want with your kids when you are your parents’ age. Try to model it, or remember to adjust your expectations in 20-30 years.

Consider suggesting a reduced frequency or a limited timeframe. But it is not a bad thing that they want to spend time with you and your family. They see the ends of their lives happening in the next 10-20 years. It is not unreasonable to want to spend time with people they care about it. Maybe their expectations are unrealistic due to your other obligations, so let them know what works for you. I am just saying that asking for gifts of time shouldn’t be viewed as manipulative or selfish.

You say the last line like we don’t know our own family members and ILs. You say all of this like none of us have any awareness or compassion for the older adults in their life, and their circumstances. I think probably even my 9yo daughter considers that some older people are lonely when talking with people, and gives older adults a little more attention, politeness, and patience as a result. Nobody needs the “someday you will be old” lecture. And the whole “model what you expect your children to do” mentality is repulsive. I’m not going to spend extra time with my parents or ILs as some kind of deposit in a fictitious future bank—for all my know, my daughters could both want to live overseas, or volunteer in another country every Christmas.

What I do now for my parents and ILs is just that: doing for them. It has no strings attached for my children on how to live their own lives make choices about their time in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is turning out to be a gem!

Between the boomer newsletter, the thyme plant and all the awful and brilliant vacation advice, I'm loving the snark.
not oP

The boomer annual newsletter is the worst! Who cares!