Reply to Please don't ask for "gifts of time"

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Reply to "Please don't ask for "gifts of time""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just to offer a different perspective as a healthcare provider who works with older adults: it has been a lonely time for older adults in the last couple of years.  That doesn’t mean you need to acquiesce to their requests, but maybe try to understand where they are coming from.
Remember the way you treat your parents and other older relatives is being observed by your kids. They are watching and learning from you. 
Consider what kind of interaction you will want with your kids when you are your parents’ age. Try to model it, or remember to adjust your expectations in 20-30 years.

Consider suggesting a reduced frequency or a limited timeframe. But it is not a bad thing that they want to spend time with you and your family. They see the ends of their lives happening in the next 10-20 years. It is not unreasonable to want to spend time with people they care about it. Maybe their expectations are unrealistic due to your other obligations, so let them know what works for you. I am just saying that asking for gifts of time shouldn’t be viewed as manipulative or selfish.[/quote]

You say the last line like we don’t know our own family members and ILs. You say all of this like none of us have any awareness or compassion for the older adults in their life, and their circumstances. I think probably even my 9yo daughter considers that some older people are lonely when talking with people, and gives older adults a little more attention, politeness, and patience as a result. Nobody needs the “someday you will be old” lecture. And the whole “model what you expect your children to do” mentality is repulsive. I’m not going to spend extra time with my parents or ILs as some kind of deposit in a fictitious future bank—for all my know, my daughters could both want to live overseas, or volunteer in another country every Christmas.

What I do now for my parents and ILs is just that: doing for them. It has no strings attached for my children on how to live their own lives make choices about their time in the future.[/quote]

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