Please don't ask for "gifts of time"

[Anonymous]

Next year book a vacation at christmas- tell everyone it was an amazing deal and you couldn’t pass it up - once you physically don’t attend one year all of it becomes easier to separate yourself from

[Anonymous]

I'd give them all books you like and tell them you look forward to discussing the books with them, on the phone or in person, after they've read them. Choose long books. I feel like that will get you off the hook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

They can ask for anything and you can still say "no." They are taking advantage and they know it. If you want to be really obnoxious you can throw it back old school with a guilt trip and say "what, all the times we already see you aren't enough for you? You think we don't have jobs and other obligations. You don't appreciate all we do? What are we.....chopped livah to you?"

Regardless, they can ask for the moon and you can politely say, no thank you. Stop worrying about pleasing. If you love them and enjoy them do the amount you enjoy. If you just see them out of obligation and it's already torture, maybe see them less. If you see them enough to enjoy and not resent, then stick to that amount. Done. You don't need permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to have their consent to stop with gifts. That’s an announcement, not a discussion: We are no longer interested in exchanging gifts.

As for this year, agree to ONE extra FaceTime for the ones who asked for it—on, like, Dec. 26, and agree to ONE dinner out with the ones who asked for that, on, like, January 8. Get it out of the way. Simply no to vacationing together. They get one “gift of time,” a one-time thing that lasts no more than an hour.

Jaysus. This is for family. Essentially begging for time with their loved ones. You begrudge them one hour????

They already get lots of time. You are intentionally misunderstanding so you can be holier than thou.

[Anonymous]

I agree this is manipulative op and you know you can just ignore their requests. You know you can just stop exchanging gifts. I've done this and it was uncomfortable at first, but I'm glad I stuck to my guns.

I am guilty of this myself. My kids never had long lists and it was hard to tell my siblings what to get my kids. They had enough games, toys etc and my kids loved one of my siblings and wanted gifts of time with them. The sibling was often in our town, came to our house for the big holidays and the kids wanted a nerf battle in our yard, or a visit using kid's telescope, or to play putt putt in our yard. Sibling never did it. I don't understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

Can they keep exchanging among adults and you just drop out if the mix? Just because they want to keep going doesn't mean you have to.

[Anonymous]

“We honestly don’t have more time to give. We’d very much prefer to stop exchanging gifts. This is a lot of unnecessary pressure and we’d rather just have a call on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.”

[Anonymous]

Yikes, asking to vacation together is asking A LOT. Of time, resources and money. That'd be a hard no from me.

[Anonymous]

Lol lol lol no advice but I would seriously consider divorce and/or suicide if both sides of the family and an aunt (?!?!) asked for more time with us. Time is the thing I have least of and I am just barely keeping my own head above water!

[Anonymous]

I find it really odd that several relatives are asking for this. Was there some article in last month’s AARP magazine with this suggestion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it really odd that several relatives are asking for this. Was there some article in last month’s AARP magazine with this suggestion?

LOL!! There was a memo sent out!

It is beyond obnoxious and speaks to their personalities. now id they said "see you is gift enough" that would be lovely, but demanding more time as a presumably as "gift" is obnoxious. I'd rather throw $50 at a gift than have to give even more time, let alone weekly or during our vacation. Are they selfish people in general?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird that your parents, in laws and aunt all came up with this. Sometimes I really wonder if there is some boomer newsletter or Facebook group advises boomers on more ways to selfishly manipulate their adult kids.

Feel free to ignore. Get them whatever gifts. Robes, slippers, fruit of the month etc. If they whine that they didn’t get their demand f taking your family vacation time, remind them gift requests are not orders and next year there will be no gift giving with your family.

This is hysterical.

Last year my mother offered to pay for a beach house for MY birthday gift, but it had to be at a beach 7 hours away from me, during the week my sibling was renting (a huge house that could have accommodated her) and the house had to be 100% accessible as she has trouble with stairs (she is not in a wheelchair). By the time the payments were coming due, I was asked to kick in.

The gift of time was a summons to stalk my sibling's vacation, and to serve as a a butler.

The kicker, she checked out early so I was stuck with the clean up, as well.

Tread softly. Send a box of pears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

Wow how selfish they want to spend time with you! What were they thinking?

Asking working parents of small kids for extra time (on top of tons of time and efforts already made) is as rude and tone-deaf as asking poor people for money or extravagant gifts.

It’s a once a year gift. A family is going something wrong if they can’t make time for family, even if they have kids and work. I say this as a busy working mom.

A once a year gift = a weeklong vacation? That could be $5-10K.

[Anonymous]

Oh man, I am dying at the idea of this being shared in the boomer newsletter. I have similar requests coming at me right now and I think it's fueled in part by the boomers feeling like they "lost" a couple of years with kids/grandkids during the pandemic and desperate to make them up now. But those years were also ones of aging all around, so they are less in touch with what is reasonable/realistic than they used to be (and maybe more narcissistic and less capable).

At the same time, every parent with kids at home has literally been hanging on by a thread for going on three years and we cannot handle one more demand on us, one more contingency, one more expression of need.

It's all coming to a head around these damn holiday expectations.

[Anonymous]

If you are not dining indoors yet, definitely just say no to that request.