Please don't ask for "gifts of time"

[Anonymous]

To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

[Anonymous]

bah humbug OP

[Anonymous]

I’d give them all a lump of coal.

Just kidding. They mean well but I agree it’s annoying.

[Anonymous]

Oooh, that comes off as manipulative. Something doesn’t sit right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

Why does that matter? My family doesn't do gifts for adults, and if the kids ask we just tell them "I'm a grownup so I don't need one", or we say "That's a grown-up secret" and wiggle our eyebrows mysteriously.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to have their consent to stop with gifts. That’s an announcement, not a discussion: We are no longer interested in exchanging gifts.

As for this year, agree to ONE extra FaceTime for the ones who asked for it—on, like, Dec. 26, and agree to ONE dinner out with the ones who asked for that, on, like, January 8. Get it out of the way. Simply no to vacationing together. They get one “gift of time,” a one-time thing that lasts no more than an hour.

[Anonymous]

Considering it’s coming from the adults on both sides of the family, is it possible that you’re a bit controlling with your immediate family’s time? You mentioned the “adults” so I’m assuming that you have kids. Maybe the extended families want more time with you and the kids?

Also, yes, the requesters, a bit strange. Have you considered asking why they have made such a strange request?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Considering it’s coming from the adults on both sides of the family, is it possible that you’re a bit controlling with your immediate family’s time? You mentioned the “adults” so I’m assuming that you have kids. Maybe the extended families want more time with you and the kids?

Also, yes, the requesters, a bit strange. Have you considered asking why they have made such a strange request?

NP. Oh, please. A lot of us in this area live a few hours away from each set of parents, and we know that they can be bottomless pits of expectation and asking. We have each set visit us several times a year, we visit them each at least twice, we spend a week of vacation with each side, we FaceTime and call at least weekly, AND STILL it’s never enough. It’s not about anyone being controlling with their family time, working parents are just trying to live life and not constantly be inundated with grandparent whining.

It’s not “strange” that grandparents asked for time, though. It’s obvious: they already have enough stuff. So much stuff that no one wants, and they don’t want or need more. Everyone has too much stuff, especially old people who have accumulated and inherited a great deal already.

[Anonymous]

If you are putting together wishlists that are inconvenient - aren't they all? adults just buy what they want when they want-- then when someone asks for a wishlist we all need a better answer...

What say you, DCUM? Someone asks for a wishlist you say

1. We are blessedly able to purchase all we need have have no list
2. We are adults, trish, so we just buy what we need and suggest you do the same.
3. Awww so sweet of you to think of us. We have what we need, but if you want to pick up the tab for the kids 4K summer camp, that would be PRIMO.
4. Just cash thanks

[Anonymous]

Well, I would just make my best effort to spend time with them how they wish.

And that effort would not come close to what they asked for... but that's life, isn't it, OP

[Anonymous]

I actually think the only problem with their request is that most of them are ongoing commitments, which dies turn it into an obligation. A more specific and discrete gift of time seems more reasonable to me. Like “I’d like to take a trip together to visit this place we used to vacation at when you were kids.” Or “I’d like to do high tea at this fancy hotel with the grandkids.” Then the gift can be arranging and scheduling this specific experience, and once the experience is over, the gift has been “received”.

Asking for time on a weekly or monthly basis as a gift just seems like a passive aggressive way of complaining that your kids don’t spend enough time with you.

[Anonymous]

You're not dining indoors yet?

[Anonymous]

They are being manipulative. It's one thing to ask for a special dinner or a video call, but they are asking for a lot of time and showing ingratitude for what you already do. You can strill say "that won't work for us." It's the same as if someone requests you find their trip to Europe. You can decline. They are playing on guilt and manipulation and trying to appear generous for not expecting anything monetary. Boundaries are your friend. Make sure your kids understand why you are declining. Show no emotion. You don't need their approval. Treat it like they requested a million dollars. They are being jerks and trying to play you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

Wow how selfish they want to spend time with you! What were they thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.

This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.

I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.

it's time to come out of your ridiculous bubble!