Would you stay in a marriage with separate finances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way this is insane. It means he's thinking about dumping you when the kids are grown and flown.

Yeah but she’s thinking that about him, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a marriage with separate finances now. We kind of wound up like this after having irreconcilable differences over budgets.

It's terrible for the marriage. Shared goals are nearly impossible. Even simple things like going out for dinner, filling the car with gas, etc. can lead to one feeling like they are being taken advantage of.

Unless we can figure out a way to recombine finances we'll likely divorce at some point.

Would not recommend.

I’m in a marriage with separate finances and we have no problem at all agreeing on shared goals and who should pay for what.

Separate finances are the symptom, not the cause, of your marital problems.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your husband wants a post-nuptial agreement. They’re oftentimes about finances. Maybe he has a big business opportunity that he doesn’t want to share with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a marriage with separate finances now. We kind of wound up like this after having irreconcilable differences over budgets.

It's terrible for the marriage. Shared goals are nearly impossible. Even simple things like going out for dinner, filling the car with gas, etc. can lead to one feeling like they are being taken advantage of.

Unless we can figure out a way to recombine finances we'll likely divorce at some point.

Would not recommend.

I’m in a marriage with separate finances and we have no problem at all agreeing on shared goals and who should pay for what.

Separate finances are the symptom, not the cause, of your marital problems.

We had separate finances for years out of laziness. I owned my condo when we married and I paid the condo fees and taxes from my account. We didn’t keep careful track of who paid for other things. We moved when our older DD was almost 3 (younger DD wasn’t born yet). At that point my DH had a much higher paying job than I did (previously I had while he was in graduate school). The daycare payments and other expenses were slowly depleting my account (like I was losing $50’or so a month) while DH’s account was growing a lot. It stressed me out so, at that point, we combined finances. We’d probably been married close to 10 years but just hadn’t needed to combine before. We do need to meet with a financial planner to figure out some combined goals. For instance, he just saves extra money in the bank, whereas I used to invest most my “extra” money. I don’t feel right investing without his buy-in, but I also don’t like having large amounts of money sitting in a bank account instead of investing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a marriage with separate finances now. We kind of wound up like this after having irreconcilable differences over budgets.

It's terrible for the marriage. Shared goals are nearly impossible. Even simple things like going out for dinner, filling the car with gas, etc. can lead to one feeling like they are being taken advantage of.

Unless we can figure out a way to recombine finances we'll likely divorce at some point.

Would not recommend.

I’m in a marriage with separate finances and we have no problem at all agreeing on shared goals and who should pay for what.

Separate finances are the symptom, not the cause, of your marital problems.

I'm the PP. I agree in our case the separate finances is not the root cause. It's our inability to reconcile differences. Nevertheless. the separate finances make things worse for us. If you guys have no problems agreeing on finances, why keep them separate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband wants a post-nuptial agreement. They’re oftentimes about finances. Maybe he has a big business opportunity that he doesn’t want to share with you.

Yeah, it sounds like he is regretting not making a prenup. But too late. You don’t have to agree to a postnuptial, and I wouldn’t.

I’d be fine keeping separate accounts, especially if he is paying majority of expenses, but I wouldn’t legally separate finances or give up any rights to his assists/accounts in the event of a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a marriage with separate finances now. We kind of wound up like this after having irreconcilable differences over budgets.

It's terrible for the marriage. Shared goals are nearly impossible. Even simple things like going out for dinner, filling the car with gas, etc. can lead to one feeling like they are being taken advantage of.

Unless we can figure out a way to recombine finances we'll likely divorce at some point.

Would not recommend.

I’m in a marriage with separate finances and we have no problem at all agreeing on shared goals and who should pay for what.

Separate finances are the symptom, not the cause, of your marital problems.

I'm the PP. I agree in our case the separate finances is not the root cause. It's our inability to reconcile differences. Nevertheless. the separate finances make things worse for us. If you guys have no problems agreeing on finances, why keep them separate?

NP and I love having separate finances. We do the hybrid his/hers/joint approach where we contribute pro rata to a joint account from which all joint expenses are paid (mortgage, daycare, groceries, etc.). I love having my own pot of money where if I want to take a trip with my friends or get a friend an expensive gift I don't have to discuss it with anyone, I just do it. It's less of a matter of would we agree on these expenses but more that it's nice to just be able to do them whereas if the money was joint I wouldn't feel comfortable spending a large amount without discussing it with my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Does he have kids from a previous marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a marriage with separate finances now. We kind of wound up like this after having irreconcilable differences over budgets.

It's terrible for the marriage. Shared goals are nearly impossible. Even simple things like going out for dinner, filling the car with gas, etc. can lead to one feeling like they are being taken advantage of.

Unless we can figure out a way to recombine finances we'll likely divorce at some point.

Would not recommend.

Ditto this. I'm in the same boat. Planning the divorce right now.

X3. Same situation. I can't wait to get away from him.

[Anonymous]

Yes Op, to answer your original question - if you get your lawyer. And you calling it a divorce/financial divorce, you may just be being too dramatic. Dramatic doesn't help marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes Op, to answer your original question - if you get your lawyer. And you calling it a divorce/financial divorce, you may just be being too dramatic. Dramatic doesn't help marriages.

OP and I think it is a pretty accurate and non dramatic description. All the people here describing his/hers/joint accounts with shared financial goals are describing something different from what he’s proposing. He’s proposing a legal financial divorce.

[Anonymous]

Financial Divorce is an undefined term here, so hard to answer. But the idea saved my marriage (for now) to someone who had multiple years of tax penalties. His income is much greater than mine and he has the means to pay the penalties from his pre-marital assets, so after two years of the same issue, I won't file with him any more. We have a joint checking account and separate investment accounts. Whenever the join checking account is overdrawn, I let him makeup the difference because he has more and makes more. No way I would sign a postnup that waives my rights to marital income or assets, though. But if your debt is ruining your marriage and your spouse wants to insure your debt doesn't wipeout the entire family financially, that might be a reasonable request....

[Anonymous]

No…

[Anonymous]

I would only stay in it with very specific actions and agreements. A certain amount that will cover all household expenses. A certain amount out in your retirement every year. College fully funded for children and his money in a trust to children. Oh a certain amount of money non negotiable and if he files for divorce before 6 yeats( or whatever) he would agree to a larger settlement of Xxoo. I would look at it with a lawyer. If the end result is that you sock away enough to support yourself well then if do it. Since you make
Close to 200k and he makes close to 500k there plenty to go around.

[Anonymous]

OP, get your own lawyer and deal with this as he has, in a matter of fact manner. What matters are the details. The idea, itself, is not horrendous. If you both still love each other but this would bring greater peace of mind, and seem fair to the both of you -- it might save your marriage.

But get a lawyer. Your own lawyer. DCUM's opinions mean nothing.