Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

[Anonymous]

I assume it’s weekly massages and/or facials. Like, 3 massages a month and a facial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

First of all, this is nuts. We have two kids and a higher income than you. I get my hair cut once a year if that (often cut myself), no nails, no massage, no gym membership for either of us — if we want to exercise we hike or play sports with the kids or go for a walk. No meal services — WTF? How are you guys going to save money with this kind of lifestyle? I’m guessing there is a lot of shopping also. Kids are expensive and your income is low for the area. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll go for a $120 skin care product once or twice a year and we travel frequently and eat out. But what you describe is a constant stream of pretty expensive non-essential stuff.

My main concern with her quitting is that she seems to be quite low maintenance and enjoy relaxing and luxuries. That’s not compatible with staying home with kids on your income. Who is going to watch the kids while she does her hair, nails, gets massages? If she stays home she needs to learn to cook on a budget which means being good at shopping and meal planning. Not blowing $1k a month on pre-packaged food. Does she know how much work kids are, and is she ready to focus on someone besides herself? I’d be quite concerned that someone who likes all that stuff might not adjust to the lifestyle constraints and feel stifled. My advice would be to get a FT nanny and keep her job. If she wants PT just keep searching, you may be able to find a share. It’s worth it for someone like her to keep her job and income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a former SAHM, I'd say she should try to keep her foot in the door somehow. I don't disagree that a nanny may not be a great investment. In 3 years you will have nursery school which gives your wife some time to work (not much). In 4 years preschool will give a more solid chunk of time for PT work. In 5 years, full day K and afterschool 1-2 days/week will help. In 10 years when the child is ready for middle school, your wife will probably be able to go back to FT work. It's a mommy track but we all have our different priorities.

I could never do a nanny because I'd be such a micromanager. I also recognize that that my mommy tracking in the above fashion helped us avoid private school tuition because my kids tested into NYC's specialized high schools. That couldn't have happened if I had outsourced the childcare.

So only SAHM kids are smart? Um ok

[Anonymous]

I also wanted to be a sahm, but with 2 kids. I had been working FT and was stressed out and needed a breather. But, I disagree with your wife on the spending. DH was also not comfortable with me quitting because I made about half our HHI. But, DH knows I'm frugal, and that I wouldn't be spending like crazy.

" gym classes, food meal services, massage memberships" -- these need to go. No need for membership, but a once in a while massage or food meal service shouldn't be an issue. If she's a sahm to one child, what is she planning to do all day? I am frugal, and I spent my days cleaning, cooking, etc. I went shopping, but mostly for the house and kids.

Your wife needs to be realistic. And you definitely want to be saving if you are on one income. Agree, you never know what's going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

First of all, this is nuts. We have two kids and a higher income than you. I get my hair cut once a year if that (often cut myself), no nails, no massage, no gym membership for either of us — if we want to exercise we hike or play sports with the kids or go for a walk. No meal services — WTF? How are you guys going to save money with this kind of lifestyle? I’m guessing there is a lot of shopping also. Kids are expensive and your income is low for the area. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll go for a $120 skin care product once or twice a year and we travel frequently and eat out. But what you describe is a constant stream of pretty expensive non-essential stuff.

My main concern with her quitting is that she seems to be quite low maintenance and enjoy relaxing and luxuries. That’s not compatible with staying home with kids on your income. Who is going to watch the kids while she does her hair, nails, gets massages? If she stays home she needs to learn to cook on a budget which means being good at shopping and meal planning. Not blowing $1k a month on pre-packaged food. Does she know how much work kids are, and is she ready to focus on someone besides herself? I’d be quite concerned that someone who likes all that stuff might not adjust to the lifestyle constraints and feel stifled. My advice would be to get a FT nanny and keep her job. If she wants PT just keep searching, you may be able to find a share. It’s worth it for someone like her to keep her job and income.

Sorry — I mean HIGH maintenance not low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

First of all, this is nuts. We have two kids and a higher income than you. I get my hair cut once a year if that (often cut myself), no nails, no massage, no gym membership for either of us — if we want to exercise we hike or play sports with the kids or go for a walk. No meal services — WTF? How are you guys going to save money with this kind of lifestyle? I’m guessing there is a lot of shopping also. Kids are expensive and your income is low for the area. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll go for a $120 skin care product once or twice a year and we travel frequently and eat out. But what you describe is a constant stream of pretty expensive non-essential stuff.

My main concern with her quitting is that she seems to be quite low maintenance and enjoy relaxing and luxuries. That’s not compatible with staying home with kids on your income. Who is going to watch the kids while she does her hair, nails, gets massages? If she stays home she needs to learn to cook on a budget which means being good at shopping and meal planning. Not blowing $1k a month on pre-packaged food. Does she know how much work kids are, and is she ready to focus on someone besides herself? I’d be quite concerned that someone who likes all that stuff might not adjust to the lifestyle constraints and feel stifled. My advice would be to get a FT nanny and keep her job. If she wants PT just keep searching, you may be able to find a share. It’s worth it for someone like her to keep her job and income.

+1 I'm a DW, and was sahm for a bit, and your wife seems a bit of a princess and entitled.

I don't like cooking, and didn't know how to cook when I became a sahm. But, I learned (and my DH and kids were super patient with me as I learned). She can do her own nails. She can go out for a walk with your kid.

You need to put your foot down: "I'm supportive of you sah, but we need to cut back on expenses. If we don't do that, then we can't support you sah."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

First of all, this is nuts. We have two kids and a higher income than you. I get my hair cut once a year if that (often cut myself), no nails, no massage, no gym membership for either of us — if we want to exercise we hike or play sports with the kids or go for a walk. No meal services — WTF? How are you guys going to save money with this kind of lifestyle? I’m guessing there is a lot of shopping also. Kids are expensive and your income is low for the area. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll go for a $120 skin care product once or twice a year and we travel frequently and eat out. But what you describe is a constant stream of pretty expensive non-essential stuff.

My main concern with her quitting is that she seems to be quite low maintenance and enjoy relaxing and luxuries. That’s not compatible with staying home with kids on your income. Who is going to watch the kids while she does her hair, nails, gets massages? If she stays home she needs to learn to cook on a budget which means being good at shopping and meal planning. Not blowing $1k a month on pre-packaged food. Does she know how much work kids are, and is she ready to focus on someone besides herself? I’d be quite concerned that someone who likes all that stuff might not adjust to the lifestyle constraints and feel stifled. My advice would be to get a FT nanny and keep her job. If she wants PT just keep searching, you may be able to find a share. It’s worth it for someone like her to keep her job and income.

+1 I'm a DW, and was sahm for a bit, and your wife seems a bit of a princess and entitled.

I don't like cooking, and didn't know how to cook when I became a sahm. But, I learned (and my DH and kids were super patient with me as I learned). She can do her own nails. She can go out for a walk with your kid.

You need to put your foot down: "I'm supportive of you sah, but we need to cut back on expenses. If we don't do that, then we can't support you sah."

Even if she stays full time working, you should really cut these expenses! At both of your incomes, now with one kid and plans for more, that is bananas. You know you need to save for retirement, college, and the many many expenses that comes with raising kids in general.

[Anonymous]

You should both be working to your fullest capacity. only in situations where both parents agree should one parents “stay home with the kids. This is at 1955. all of us want to stay home but that’s not a reality in 2022.

If you don’t agree 100%, now is the time to make that 100% clear to her to avoid problems in the future. Also you may want to avoid “agreeing “to something that you don’t really feel good about because resentments will kick in. If your wife resents you because she has to work well she’s very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like it’s a good idea for your wife to stay at home. She sounds like she spends a lot of money on unnecessary expenses. You need to suck it up and find a good daycare center. You cannot afford a nanny on your salaries in this area. I would put off having a second until you can agree on how to raise the one you already have. Good luck.

This. Her spending (on wants, not needs) is already ridiculous, but at least the $100K she’s bringing in helps to offset that. Without working? No way.

+1. You would need to cut down on this spending even if she stayed working to offset childcare. Without working, they need to be even more drastically reduced. We make that much in a low COL area and don't spend even close to what you guys do on wants. We don't really heavily monitor our spending, but I get my hair done 4x a year (balayage) and that's it. We don't do meal services, but do eat out a few times a week.

[Anonymous]

No. You don’t decide this after the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a former SAHM, I'd say she should try to keep her foot in the door somehow. I don't disagree that a nanny may not be a great investment. In 3 years you will have nursery school which gives your wife some time to work (not much). In 4 years preschool will give a more solid chunk of time for PT work. In 5 years, full day K and afterschool 1-2 days/week will help. In 10 years when the child is ready for middle school, your wife will probably be able to go back to FT work. It's a mommy track but we all have our different priorities.

I could never do a nanny because I'd be such a micromanager. I also recognize that that my mommy tracking in the above fashion helped us avoid private school tuition because my kids tested into NYC's specialized high schools. That couldn't have happened if I had outsourced the childcare.

So only SAHM kids are smart? Um ok

Moms with more time to devote to their kids can give them the supplemental support they need to test into specific programs. Not hard to see why that's the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

First of all, this is nuts. We have two kids and a higher income than you. I get my hair cut once a year if that (often cut myself), no nails, no massage, no gym membership for either of us — if we want to exercise we hike or play sports with the kids or go for a walk. No meal services — WTF? How are you guys going to save money with this kind of lifestyle? I’m guessing there is a lot of shopping also. Kids are expensive and your income is low for the area. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll go for a $120 skin care product once or twice a year and we travel frequently and eat out. But what you describe is a constant stream of pretty expensive non-essential stuff.

My main concern with her quitting is that she seems to be quite low maintenance and enjoy relaxing and luxuries. That’s not compatible with staying home with kids on your income. Who is going to watch the kids while she does her hair, nails, gets massages? If she stays home she needs to learn to cook on a budget which means being good at shopping and meal planning. Not blowing $1k a month on pre-packaged food. Does she know how much work kids are, and is she ready to focus on someone besides herself? I’d be quite concerned that someone who likes all that stuff might not adjust to the lifestyle constraints and feel stifled. My advice would be to get a FT nanny and keep her job. If she wants PT just keep searching, you may be able to find a share. It’s worth it for someone like her to keep her job and income.

+1 I'm a DW, and was sahm for a bit, and your wife seems a bit of a princess and entitled.

I don't like cooking, and didn't know how to cook when I became a sahm. But, I learned (and my DH and kids were super patient with me as I learned). She can do her own nails. She can go out for a walk with your kid.

You need to put your foot down: "I'm supportive of you sah, but we need to cut back on expenses. If we don't do that, then we can't support you sah."

OP said he is the one that does the cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make, op? That would change my answer.

OP here. I make a little under $200k a year. $180k + bonus.

If that is your income, she should keep working, especailly if she has the possibility for upward mobility.

[Anonymous]

OP, your spending and wanting to have a SAHM isn't aligned with your 180k income. That's a good income, but not for the like you think you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?

DC people see out of touch with reality. OP makes more than many Americans. He makes 4 times more than the average American family. He can definitely raise a family with a SAHM wife on that salary. Many raise kids on one income making far less.

Not with all the other extras he seems to want to spend on.