Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

[Anonymous]

Weekly massages?

[Anonymous]

So he wants to have more kids and move to a big house in a close in suburb. Weekly massages, manicures, butcher boxes, etc. And a SAHM.

Yeah, that's not working with his one income unless he has a huge payout coming soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

First of all, this is nuts. We have two kids and a higher income than you. I get my hair cut once a year if that (often cut myself), no nails, no massage, no gym membership for either of us — if we want to exercise we hike or play sports with the kids or go for a walk. No meal services — WTF? How are you guys going to save money with this kind of lifestyle? I’m guessing there is a lot of shopping also. Kids are expensive and your income is low for the area. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll go for a $120 skin care product once or twice a year and we travel frequently and eat out. But what you describe is a constant stream of pretty expensive non-essential stuff.

My main concern with her quitting is that she seems to be quite low maintenance and enjoy relaxing and luxuries. That’s not compatible with staying home with kids on your income. Who is going to watch the kids while she does her hair, nails, gets massages? If she stays home she needs to learn to cook on a budget which means being good at shopping and meal planning. Not blowing $1k a month on pre-packaged food. Does she know how much work kids are, and is she ready to focus on someone besides herself? I’d be quite concerned that someone who likes all that stuff might not adjust to the lifestyle constraints and feel stifled. My advice would be to get a FT nanny and keep her job. If she wants PT just keep searching, you may be able to find a share. It’s worth it for someone like her to keep her job and income.

+1 I'm a DW, and was sahm for a bit, and your wife seems a bit of a princess and entitled.

I don't like cooking, and didn't know how to cook when I became a sahm. But, I learned (and my DH and kids were super patient with me as I learned). She can do her own nails. She can go out for a walk with your kid.

You need to put your foot down: "I'm supportive of you sah, but we need to cut back on expenses. If we don't do that, then we can't support you sah."

OP said he is the one that does the cooking.

but they also buy ready to cook meals, which is pricey. They spend $1000 on top of groceries for those ready meal plans.

I didn't know how to cook, but never once bought those plans because they are pricey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

I think you guys should compromise on part time, personally, if that’s what she wanted on some level anyway.

She’s not just making what she is making minus the nanny. She’s paying into social security and 401k and more importantly keeping a foot in the labor force.

That’s the real bonus. That she will continue to be employable.

I didn’t love the way you out down her gym, massage and food services. Exercise and massages can be really important self care. And meal services are ways to keep a household running smoothly. I’d tread carefully.

Do you cook? Why is the food service her expense?

OP, DCUM is ride or die for SAH. You will not get reasonable advice. MASSAGE? MEAL SERVICE? If money is a concern those are ridiculous.

That's funny - I think DCUM is totally the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weekly massages?

I get weekly massages due to sciatic issues, but I make $160K, and don't get my nails done or buy ready meal plans. Like I stated, OP's DW sounds a bit of a princess.

College costs are ridiculous. We're headed into that now. OP needs to start saving right now for college, and retirement. Trust me, it's way more expensive than you think it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, you either should have married a non-princess to be a SAHM, or you should earn more.

Not what you want to hear but it's the truth.

[Anonymous]

You dont have a house so a nanny is tough. Nannies dont want to work in condos and with stay at home parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weekly massages?

I get weekly massages due to sciatic issues, but I make $160K, and don't get my nails done or buy ready meal plans. Like I stated, OP's DW sounds a bit of a princess.

College costs are ridiculous. We're headed into that now. OP needs to start saving right now for college, and retirement. Trust me, it's way more expensive than you think it is.

Do PT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your spending and wanting to have a SAHM isn't aligned with your 180k income. That's a good income, but not for the like you think you want.

+1 yes, when I decided to be a sahm, DH was making $140K, then got bumped up to $160K. Other than DH's 401k contribution, we weren't able to save anything. But that was ok, because we had built up our savings from when I was working.

you need to start saving for college and retirement right now, so you should be cutting back on expenses, and putting that towards college and savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

Things change though. I totally thought I would work and put my kids in daycare, and when the kids arrived, I realized how difficult everything is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

First of all, this is nuts. We have two kids and a higher income than you. I get my hair cut once a year if that (often cut myself), no nails, no massage, no gym membership for either of us — if we want to exercise we hike or play sports with the kids or go for a walk. No meal services — WTF? How are you guys going to save money with this kind of lifestyle? I’m guessing there is a lot of shopping also. Kids are expensive and your income is low for the area. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll go for a $120 skin care product once or twice a year and we travel frequently and eat out. But what you describe is a constant stream of pretty expensive non-essential stuff.

My main concern with her quitting is that she seems to be quite low maintenance and enjoy relaxing and luxuries. That’s not compatible with staying home with kids on your income. Who is going to watch the kids while she does her hair, nails, gets massages? If she stays home she needs to learn to cook on a budget which means being good at shopping and meal planning. Not blowing $1k a month on pre-packaged food. Does she know how much work kids are, and is she ready to focus on someone besides herself? I’d be quite concerned that someone who likes all that stuff might not adjust to the lifestyle constraints and feel stifled. My advice would be to get a FT nanny and keep her job. If she wants PT just keep searching, you may be able to find a share. It’s worth it for someone like her to keep her job and income.

+1 I'm a DW, and was sahm for a bit, and your wife seems a bit of a princess and entitled.

I don't like cooking, and didn't know how to cook when I became a sahm. But, I learned (and my DH and kids were super patient with me as I learned). She can do her own nails. She can go out for a walk with your kid.

You need to put your foot down: "I'm supportive of you sah, but we need to cut back on expenses. If we don't do that, then we can't support you sah."

OP said he is the one that does the cooking.

but they also buy ready to cook meals, which is pricey. They spend $1000 on top of groceries for those ready meal plans.

I didn't know how to cook, but never once bought those plans because they are pricey.

Yeah. I make $175 and DH makes 120. With two kids a low mortgage we still cant afford any of those subscriptions things of a ton of massages and nails. Kids activities, after care, preschool, 4 plane tix anytime we want to go anywhere all add up. And id like to retire at 60 and not 70 so saving for that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weekly massages?

I get weekly massages due to sciatic issues, but I make $160K, and don't get my nails done or buy ready meal plans. Like I stated, OP's DW sounds a bit of a princess.

College costs are ridiculous. We're headed into that now. OP needs to start saving right now for college, and retirement. Trust me, it's way more expensive than you think it is.

Do PT.

Already am, including accupuncture. PT isn't doing much for it, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

Things change though. I totally thought I would work and put my kids in daycare, and when the kids arrived, I realized how difficult everything is.

Its really really hard. Im not cut out to stay home so I dont. I do use my seniority at work to take random days off and take kids on field trips and vacations and come home at 5 though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

Things change though. I totally thought I would work and put my kids in daycare, and when the kids arrived, I realized how difficult everything is.

agree. You also never know what kind of parent you are going to be until the kids arrive. Life happens, and you figure it out as you go.

I'll repeat: most men shouldn't have kids. Go get a vasectomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

First of all, this is nuts. We have two kids and a higher income than you. I get my hair cut once a year if that (often cut myself), no nails, no massage, no gym membership for either of us — if we want to exercise we hike or play sports with the kids or go for a walk. No meal services — WTF? How are you guys going to save money with this kind of lifestyle? I’m guessing there is a lot of shopping also. Kids are expensive and your income is low for the area. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll go for a $120 skin care product once or twice a year and we travel frequently and eat out. But what you describe is a constant stream of pretty expensive non-essential stuff.

My main concern with her quitting is that she seems to be quite low maintenance and enjoy relaxing and luxuries. That’s not compatible with staying home with kids on your income. Who is going to watch the kids while she does her hair, nails, gets massages? If she stays home she needs to learn to cook on a budget which means being good at shopping and meal planning. Not blowing $1k a month on pre-packaged food. Does she know how much work kids are, and is she ready to focus on someone besides herself? I’d be quite concerned that someone who likes all that stuff might not adjust to the lifestyle constraints and feel stifled. My advice would be to get a FT nanny and keep her job. If she wants PT just keep searching, you may be able to find a share. It’s worth it for someone like her to keep her job and income.

+1 I'm a DW, and was sahm for a bit, and your wife seems a bit of a princess and entitled.

I don't like cooking, and didn't know how to cook when I became a sahm. But, I learned (and my DH and kids were super patient with me as I learned). She can do her own nails. She can go out for a walk with your kid.

You need to put your foot down: "I'm supportive of you sah, but we need to cut back on expenses. If we don't do that, then we can't support you sah."

OP said he is the one that does the cooking.

but they also buy ready to cook meals, which is pricey. They spend $1000 on top of groceries for those ready meal plans.

I didn't know how to cook, but never once bought those plans because they are pricey.

Yeah. I make $175 and DH makes 120. With two kids a low mortgage we still cant afford any of those subscriptions things of a ton of massages and nails. Kids activities, after care, preschool, 4 plane tix anytime we want to go anywhere all add up. And id like to retire at 60 and not 70 so saving for that as well.

OP also thinks he'll move to a big house in a nice suburb soon and have another kid. Those things, along with the meal box etc. lifestyle really aren't aligned with his income level