Are you envious of your friends and neighbors who have local and super-involved grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws provide a lot of childcare to DH’s siblings. They have wonderful relationships with their local grandchildren. They also meddle a lot and demand all holidays and vacations are spent with them.
We get no help, but can live our own lives.

Not white?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live close and are super involved since they're retired. I'm actually embarrassed by it! Like people assume I have all this childcare so I should be more active than I am in the school, work etc. Or I always feel left out of the nanny/babysitter/after care conversations. But maybe it is just in my head. Anyhow, interesting to hear another perspective.

Hahahaha, good one, PP, you almost had me for a second! 😂🤣

I do judge the parents of the kid who is always dropped off at school or soccer by their grandparents and never fully in school uniform or missing jersey/shin guards/cleats/all 3. I judge them because the grandparents look tired and are constantly giving the parents “date weekends” in Italy, Hawaii, Turks and Caicos, etc. I wouldn’t judge you for not volunteering or not working overtime.

I think people only judge if you have a million extra adults in your orbit but still can’t manage the basics and/or burden the community with them. Otherwise, I’m envious of your local grandparents but also super happy to have them around! They’re usually warm and friendly and have great, calming advice.

Is this common? I don’t live in DC but, where I live, people who can’t afford a lot of extra childcare aren’t jetting all over the world and people who can afford this can also afford quality childcare in instances when grandparents don’t want to step in

+1. I am well below the income level needed to jet off to the Caribbean for a weekend, but I have my childcare buttoned up. Grandparents are there to spend quality time when and as they wish. It’s a matter of pride in being able to afford my own lifestyle.

“Afford my lifestyle” apparently means, for you, money can buy anything. Which is super weird when you’re talking about your own children. I have exactly one set of grandparents and a close cousin and her family that I’d feel comfortable leaving my young children with for multiple overnights in a row. Has nothing to do with money- we could definitely “afford” to pay a babysitter to stay overnight, but never would. Assuming that people who use family as childcare in these situations do so because they’re poor is…laughable.

[Anonymous]

Not so much for the childcare as because I get along with my parents and miss them, and my kids adore their grandparents and wish they could spend more time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws provide a lot of childcare to DH’s siblings. They have wonderful relationships with their local grandchildren. They also meddle a lot and demand all holidays and vacations are spent with them.
We get no help, but can live our own lives.

Not white?

Very white and very American.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws provide a lot of childcare to DH’s siblings. They have wonderful relationships with their local grandchildren. They also meddle a lot and demand all holidays and vacations are spent with them.
We get no help, but can live our own lives.

Not white?

Very white and very American.

Damn I thought this was just an Asian thing

[Anonymous]

Did most of your friends with involved grandparents grow up in the DC area? DH and I both did and we are lucky that both sets of grandparents are still living and well enough to be involved and helpful. But we both made a conscious effort to stay in the DC area vs. going somewhere where the COL was lower to have family close-by. Yes, we are lucky that we grew up in an area that offers good job security, etc. but I do feel tethered to this area. Not sure that we would have stayed here if not for family connection.

[Anonymous]

Not envious, but very wistful. 3 of my kids' grandparents died before they were born, and the last passed away when the kids were in late elementary.
I grew up with 3 of my grandparents very local and involved, so I know how much my kids are missing by not having them.

[Anonymous]

Yes, envious. My in-laws are pretty great, but are getting up there in age and live just far enough away to not be able to help in a pinch.

My parents live less than 10 minutes away and seem to want nothing to do with us. It definitely makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Of course. I think the worst are those who don’t realize how good they have it and complain about petty stuff. I have a friend I have really distanced myself from because of this… just can’t listen to it and it’s very insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws provide a lot of childcare to DH’s siblings. They have wonderful relationships with their local grandchildren. They also meddle a lot and demand all holidays and vacations are spent with them.
We get no help, but can live our own lives.

Not white?

Very white and very American.

Damn I thought this was just an Asian thing

I know a few white American American families (no recent immigrants) like this. The grandmother runs the show. They have wonderful family bonds, but it’s expected that everyone fall in line with family likes and dislikes.
The parents definitely get a ton of help with kids though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live close and are super involved since they're retired. I'm actually embarrassed by it! Like people assume I have all this childcare so I should be more active than I am in the school, work etc. Or I always feel left out of the nanny/babysitter/after care conversations. But maybe it is just in my head. Anyhow, interesting to hear another perspective.

Hahahaha, good one, PP, you almost had me for a second! 😂🤣

I do judge the parents of the kid who is always dropped off at school or soccer by their grandparents and never fully in school uniform or missing jersey/shin guards/cleats/all 3. I judge them because the grandparents look tired and are constantly giving the parents “date weekends” in Italy, Hawaii, Turks and Caicos, etc. I wouldn’t judge you for not volunteering or not working overtime.

I think people only judge if you have a million extra adults in your orbit but still can’t manage the basics and/or burden the community with them. Otherwise, I’m envious of your local grandparents but also super happy to have them around! They’re usually warm and friendly and have great, calming advice.

Is this common? I don’t live in DC but, where I live, people who can’t afford a lot of extra childcare aren’t jetting all over the world and people who can afford this can also afford quality childcare in instances when grandparents don’t want to step in

+1. I am well below the income level needed to jet off to the Caribbean for a weekend, but I have my childcare buttoned up. Grandparents are there to spend quality time when and as they wish. It’s a matter of pride in being able to afford my own lifestyle.

“Afford my lifestyle” apparently means, for you, money can buy anything. Which is super weird when you’re talking about your own children. I have exactly one set of grandparents and a close cousin and her family that I’d feel comfortable leaving my young children with for multiple overnights in a row. Has nothing to do with money- we could definitely “afford” to pay a babysitter to stay overnight, but never would. Assuming that people who use family as childcare in these situations do so because they’re poor is…laughable.

“Afford my lifestyle” means I can afford to pay for childcare when grandparents do not want to be the childcare. Of course they get first right of refusal for overnights, but if they are tired or busy I am not going to force them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did most of your friends with involved grandparents grow up in the DC area? DH and I both did and we are lucky that both sets of grandparents are still living and well enough to be involved and helpful. But we both made a conscious effort to stay in the DC area vs. going somewhere where the COL was lower to have family close-by. Yes, we are lucky that we grew up in an area that offers good job security, etc. but I do feel tethered to this area. Not sure that we would have stayed here if not for family connection.

At least it's an area you can feasibly live in. Both DH and I are from small, economically remote towns that are hours from even the nearest secondary market airport. Our parents are disappointed we don't live closer but it's unclear to me how we could do that given how few jobs and opportunities there are there. As a kicker, my parents' small town is also incredibly expensive because of the area of the country it's in (it was not expensive when I was growing up but has become a popular destination for people on the coasts looking for a retirement or remote work home). Our home in the DMV cost about the same as a home there would cost, only we would not be able to find jobs in our fields.

It's frustrating because there are times in which we would have liked to be closer to family but it's just not even an option.

[Anonymous]

Yes I know my friends are envious bc they tell me. I know I am very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of all the things to be envious about, this is definitely not one of them.

actually in a world where childcare is so expensive this is something to be envious about