No one reciprocates/invites for play dates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all have so many excuses. Your house is small and messy or fussy and neat…kids don’t care about that! You have a full time job and other children…so do most people! Typically when you’re friends w someone, sometimes you invite them to do something and sometimes they invite you. If you want your kids to have friends, you have to as their parent teach them how to do it. They invite a friend over, then the friend invites them. Someone said you don’t prioritize 3rd grader play dates…fine, but do you care that you’re not helping your 3rd grader learn how to be a nice friend that others will want to maintain a friendship w?

If you host it doesn’t have to be at your house. But you should at least show some interest in getting together w the other kid. Suggest that they meet up at a playground so you can take your other kids. Show some kind of interest in furthering the relationship instead of just blowing it off because you’re busy. Everyone’s busy. Or your house isn’t ideally suited to hosting…the kids just like playing together and they can do that anywhere.

Did you grow up like this? I don’t recall parents bending over backwards carting kids around to play dates all the time. And I had plenty of friends. My school friends I saw at school and socialized there, plus the aftercare. My sports friends I saw at sports. My neighborhood friends would knock on door and I’d do the same if we were home and bored. No was having mom scheduled and planned out play dates on the regular.

No but that’s not the way it is anymore. At least not in my neighborhood. Now kids are more scheduled and play time has to be arranged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all have so many excuses. Your house is small and messy or fussy and neat…kids don’t care about that! You have a full time job and other children…so do most people! Typically when you’re friends w someone, sometimes you invite them to do something and sometimes they invite you. If you want your kids to have friends, you have to as their parent teach them how to do it. They invite a friend over, then the friend invites them. Someone said you don’t prioritize 3rd grader play dates…fine, but do you care that you’re not helping your 3rd grader learn how to be a nice friend that others will want to maintain a friendship w?

If you host it doesn’t have to be at your house. But you should at least show some interest in getting together w the other kid. Suggest that they meet up at a playground so you can take your other kids. Show some kind of interest in furthering the relationship instead of just blowing it off because you’re busy. Everyone’s busy. Or your house isn’t ideally suited to hosting…the kids just like playing together and they can do that anywhere.

Did you grow up like this? I don’t recall parents bending over backwards carting kids around to play dates all the time. And I had plenty of friends. My school friends I saw at school and socialized there, plus the aftercare. My sports friends I saw at sports. My neighborhood friends would knock on door and I’d do the same if we were home and bored. No was having mom scheduled and planned out play dates on the regular.

NP -- not on the regular, but I grew up in the 80's and my mom definitely hosted playdates (mostly sleepovers) a couple times a month and, yes, the expectation was that at some point those would be reciprocated. Not perhaps in the exact number or level, but in some way. Even in the 80s, kids had other kids over to play....?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all have so many excuses. Your house is small and messy or fussy and neat…kids don’t care about that! You have a full time job and other children…so do most people! Typically when you’re friends w someone, sometimes you invite them to do something and sometimes they invite you. If you want your kids to have friends, you have to as their parent teach them how to do it. They invite a friend over, then the friend invites them. Someone said you don’t prioritize 3rd grader play dates…fine, but do you care that you’re not helping your 3rd grader learn how to be a nice friend that others will want to maintain a friendship w?

If you host it doesn’t have to be at your house. But you should at least show some interest in getting together w the other kid. Suggest that they meet up at a playground so you can take your other kids. Show some kind of interest in furthering the relationship instead of just blowing it off because you’re busy. Everyone’s busy. Or your house isn’t ideally suited to hosting…the kids just like playing together and they can do that anywhere.

Did you grow up like this? I don’t recall parents bending over backwards carting kids around to play dates all the time. And I had plenty of friends. My school friends I saw at school and socialized there, plus the aftercare. My sports friends I saw at sports. My neighborhood friends would knock on door and I’d do the same if we were home and bored. No was having mom scheduled and planned out play dates on the regular.

NP -- not on the regular, but I grew up in the 80's and my mom definitely hosted playdates (mostly sleepovers) a couple times a month and, yes, the expectation was that at some point those would be reciprocated. Not perhaps in the exact number or level, but in some way. Even in the 80s, kids had other kids over to play....?

I knew no one doing this regularly unless they were neighbors. Then we’d have sleepovers or join/invite a friend for a trip from el on. But it wasn’t all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all have so many excuses. Your house is small and messy or fussy and neat…kids don’t care about that! You have a full time job and other children…so do most people! Typically when you’re friends w someone, sometimes you invite them to do something and sometimes they invite you. If you want your kids to have friends, you have to as their parent teach them how to do it. They invite a friend over, then the friend invites them. Someone said you don’t prioritize 3rd grader play dates…fine, but do you care that you’re not helping your 3rd grader learn how to be a nice friend that others will want to maintain a friendship w?

If you host it doesn’t have to be at your house. But you should at least show some interest in getting together w the other kid. Suggest that they meet up at a playground so you can take your other kids. Show some kind of interest in furthering the relationship instead of just blowing it off because you’re busy. Everyone’s busy. Or your house isn’t ideally suited to hosting…the kids just like playing together and they can do that anywhere.

Did you grow up like this? I don’t recall parents bending over backwards carting kids around to play dates all the time. And I had plenty of friends. My school friends I saw at school and socialized there, plus the aftercare. My sports friends I saw at sports. My neighborhood friends would knock on door and I’d do the same if we were home and bored. No was having mom scheduled and planned out play dates on the regular.

No but that’s not the way it is anymore. At least not in my neighborhood. Now kids are more scheduled and play time has to be arranged.

Kids are more scheduled and have more socializing going on at sports, extra classes and such. They don’t have as much downtime and it doesn’t need to be filled with a scheduled play date. They are socializing just fine and most are content with whatever neighbor kids are around or siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all have so many excuses. Your house is small and messy or fussy and neat…kids don’t care about that! You have a full time job and other children…so do most people! Typically when you’re friends w someone, sometimes you invite them to do something and sometimes they invite you. If you want your kids to have friends, you have to as their parent teach them how to do it. They invite a friend over, then the friend invites them. Someone said you don’t prioritize 3rd grader play dates…fine, but do you care that you’re not helping your 3rd grader learn how to be a nice friend that others will want to maintain a friendship w?

If you host it doesn’t have to be at your house. But you should at least show some interest in getting together w the other kid. Suggest that they meet up at a playground so you can take your other kids. Show some kind of interest in furthering the relationship instead of just blowing it off because you’re busy. Everyone’s busy. Or your house isn’t ideally suited to hosting…the kids just like playing together and they can do that anywhere.

It’s ok to not want to host. It’s that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved to a new area in summer 2021 and my kids made fast friends at their new school (grades 2 and 5 now), but it feels like we are always the ones inviting kids over for play dates and get virtually no invites or reciprocation. When I extend invites the kids/parents are always happy to accept, and the parents always thank me for hosting… but that’s where it ends. Recently my older DS will tell me he made plans with a friend to get together so I will text the parent to confirm the plan and leave it open ended so I am not outwardly offering to host… but since I reach out they always assume I am offering.

Does anyone else deal with this?

I wouldn’t do this. If you aren’t offering to host, don’t reach out to the parent to “confirm” plans two kids made without adult guidance or approval.

[Anonymous]

I think the absence of home phones is a factor is fewer playdates. In the 80s/90s, from a young age I remember asking my mom if I could have a friend over, and if so, I would find the school directory and call. There wasn’t all this coordination (maybe the parents would get on phone to confirm). Now even my 6th-grader asks me to text friend’s parents, and it’s parents coordinating. I might not have # bc directories are behind some password on some random pta site. Not that we don’t make the effort… but it feels more complicated/parent driven.

[Anonymous]

I am guilty of not reciprocating. My reasons are that I am embarrassed of my house. It's small, crowded and up until recently my girls shared a bedroom. I don't get much if any help keeping it tiddy from the rest of my family (not for lack of trying) and it's not in a presentable way. Second, we are usually busy with travel sports and gone a lot. If I am fortunate enough to be home, I am cleaning and doing chores or errands so it's just not a good time for a playdate. I am immensely grateful for those moms that invite my child over to play.

[Anonymous]

we initiate playdates, but perhaps not as frequently as others would like because our daughter is busy with sports/activities and we also try to carve out family time during the week/part of the weekend. we enjoy being alone at times and that sometimes doesn't seem like the norm around here.

[Anonymous]

I just accepted it. I decided that building a community was more important to me than making sure everything was "fair", and that I would have to do 90+% of the initiations.

The biggest thing for me was realizing social planning almost always falls on moms, and expecting moms to add one more thing to their already too long to-do list was just going to hold all of us back. I decided not to hold it against moms when dads also never reciprocate.

What's helped me a LOT is organizing group activities rather than playdates at home. Basically I plan out what events we're going to do that weekend, then invite everyone I know along. If nobody comes, or if people flake, NBD. We still have a fun event to go to. We also do a ton of group playground playdates. I don't have to worry about what my house looks like or if it'll get trashed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all have so many excuses. Your house is small and messy or fussy and neat…kids don’t care about that! You have a full time job and other children…so do most people! Typically when you’re friends w someone, sometimes you invite them to do something and sometimes they invite you. If you want your kids to have friends, you have to as their parent teach them how to do it. They invite a friend over, then the friend invites them. Someone said you don’t prioritize 3rd grader play dates…fine, but do you care that you’re not helping your 3rd grader learn how to be a nice friend that others will want to maintain a friendship w?

If you host it doesn’t have to be at your house. But you should at least show some interest in getting together w the other kid. Suggest that they meet up at a playground so you can take your other kids. Show some kind of interest in furthering the relationship instead of just blowing it off because you’re busy. Everyone’s busy. Or your house isn’t ideally suited to hosting…the kids just like playing together and they can do that anywhere.

Did you grow up like this? I don’t recall parents bending over backwards carting kids around to play dates all the time. And I had plenty of friends. My school friends I saw at school and socialized there, plus the aftercare. My sports friends I saw at sports. My neighborhood friends would knock on door and I’d do the same if we were home and bored. No was having mom scheduled and planned out play dates on the regular.

The neighborhood I lived in was filled with SAHM and latchkey kids. We didn't need play dates because we got off the bus, went home and had a snack, and went out and played. If we were going to a friends house that wasn't in our neighborhood, we rode the bus home with that friend but that only happened after the parents called each other. Those were arranged.

We live in a neighborhood where more parents are working and kids are at aftercare. Some kids have activities right after school. DS is 10 and is at the stage where he gets home and will go over to a friends hose who he know is home and they play outside. We both work, but DH has been at home since COVID. we have always made sure that one of us was home after school so DS could come home. But his friends live further away then he could walk so yes, we prearranged kids coming over. And we arrange for kids coming over on the weekends. The difference is that DS asks me to text the parents instead of calling on the phone because that is what we have always done.

Maybe we need to get the phone numbers for kids families and have DS call, it would be a good skill for him to gain.

[Anonymous]

Just keep doing it. Its for your child's benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep doing it. Its for your child's benefit.

No

[Anonymous]

I don't mind hosting playdates since it means my daughters don't ask me to play dolls or other pretend games the rest of the weekend. Sure, I help put a snack on the table, occasionally console an injury, or help settle a dispute, but I'd say 90%+ of the playdate time is time to myself. I'm always keeping my ears open, but always amazed how many chores / computer tasks I can actually crank through because my kids aren't reaching out to me with various requests.

I have a small house and basically no yard at all, but it's enough for playing with toys / doing the pretend play stuff, which they don't get to do at school. I wish others would realize how little work managing a playdate can actually be, and how much everyone benefits.

Everyone is busy, working moms, SAHMs, whatever.

I think most people fail to realize how much 'dividing and conquering' can benefit everyone. So there's my pitch. At the same time, I accept that I'll still be initiating and hosting almost all of the time, and it's not worth getting resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM?

Yes - mostly - I worked part time from home. I want to emphasize that I mostly didn't mind it and would rather them be here then a place where the parents weren't into it - I totally get that this is not everybody's thing and I guess that was my point to OP - if kids feel welcome they will keep coming. I don't know what would have happened if they didn't come here. By HS parents of the regulars used to rotate sending over take out and pizzas which I totally appreciated because teenagers eat so much. If your kid is over at another's house all of the time this is a nice gesture for those that don't like to host to consider. I knew how many to expect by how much Chipotle was dropped off.