No one reciprocates/invites for play dates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My house is tiny and messy, and I don't want you to judge me, so I'd rather you host. I always bring snacks and a craft for the kids so it's not too much trouble for you.

I’m the opposite. We live in a big house that is all Pottery Barn deco in beige (DH likes that stuff) and is overly neat and clean (I have ridiculous allergies). I’m afraid to invite people over and assume I am fussy and snooty. You wouldn’t think so at all from what I wear.

I would encourage you both to give it a shot. Kids are usually just happy to be at someone else's house. They really don't care about the stuff you're self conscious about.

[Anonymous]

I find it much easier to host. Beginning around age 6 or so, they just play together and there's nothing to do except give them food occasionally. I don't even know that I would call it "hosting," it's so easy. As long as the kids are reasonably behaved.

DH and I have four kids and we work full time, so driving one kid to a play date, coming back, driving there again to pick up, and then coming back, is really a major inconvenience. Whereas having an extra kid or four running around our house is a non-issue. Our kids' friends play and sleep over all the time. We have carpool friends stay for dinner sometimes.

The only challenge has been sometimes when Kid A's friend has friction with Kid B or C. But we've learned how to manage that and the kids have too.

[Anonymous]

You are very gracious to keep hosting. I would be so annoyed. I hate moochers. People are so freaking lame.

But you are doing the right thing for your kids. I hope you and your kids eventually find non-moochers.

[Anonymous]

13:06 PP to OP - based on reading DCUM, I think there's an unfortunate dynamic where people's leisure time is limited AND they also have high standards for hosting a playdate (cleaner house than usual, fun activity, better food). And also, many people don't value the playtime in each other's home. They think it is redundant if a kid is already doing extracurriculars or aftercare. So all that combines to make people put playdates at a low priority.

DH and I also have very limited free time, but we have very low standards for hosting and we happen to value playdates and sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

Question from someone who has no intention of having other kids at our house (for various reasons): would you prefer us to decline if you invite my kids over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anxiety excuse never ends on this board.

Excuses aren’t necessary at all because you shouldn’t be assuming someone will reciprocate when you offer a play date. A person isn’t obligated to return the favor just because you have a child over to play.

Obligation, no. But generally understood to be good manners? Yes.

Good manners requires a thank you, which OP has said she is getting. There is no requirement beyond that.

Agree there's no requirement, but I was raised to get that if someone hosts, the polite thing to do is reciprocate.

(FWIW I'd just as soon host regardless, because I find it easier.)

[Anonymous]

i never host because i have younger children and two jobs and my husband travels. It is just too much for me to manage. I am SO appreciative of other people hosting my child and I try to really convey that whenever I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anxiety excuse never ends on this board.

Excuses aren’t necessary at all because you shouldn’t be assuming someone will reciprocate when you offer a play date. A person isn’t obligated to return the favor just because you have a child over to play.

For me, I see it as me doing them a favor if I let my kids go over to play (they’re very well behaved etc). It’s eye opening that most people see it as I owe them if I agree to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anxiety excuse never ends on this board.

Excuses aren’t necessary at all because you shouldn’t be assuming someone will reciprocate when you offer a play date. A person isn’t obligated to return the favor just because you have a child over to play.

Obligation, no. But generally understood to be good manners? Yes.

Good manners requires a thank you, which OP has said she is getting. There is no requirement beyond that.

Agree there's no requirement, but I was raised to get that if someone hosts, the polite thing to do is reciprocate.

(FWIW I'd just as soon host regardless, because I find it easier.)

That’s like saying if you host a Christmas cocktail party, you expect everyone else to do the same, because that’s how you were raised.

You are hosting because you want to do it, not because you expect others to then follow your lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question from someone who has no intention of having other kids at our house (for various reasons): would you prefer us to decline if you invite my kids over?

I'm not OP, so obviously can't speak for them, but if we are inviting your kid over it's because our kid wants to play with them. We want them to come with no obligation for future hosting. With elementary age boys it's actually super easy for us to host. We just put them in the basement with age appropriate video games, Legos, Pokemon cards, etc. and feed them as needed.

[Anonymous]

What a bunch of selfish people on this thread!
And I am guessing your children are also selfish.
So happy this has not been our experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question from someone who has no intention of having other kids at our house (for various reasons): would you prefer us to decline if you invite my kids over?

Good question. I hate play dates. I won’t host (unless you are my neighbor). I sometimes accept the invitation but I hate the obligation and how it breaks up an entire weekend day and I pretty much have to rearrange my weekend and other kids activities around my kid spending 2 hrs at your house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question from someone who has no intention of having other kids at our house (for various reasons): would you prefer us to decline if you invite my kids over?

Good question. I hate play dates. I won’t host (unless you are my neighbor). I sometimes accept the invitation but I hate the obligation and how it breaks up an entire weekend day and I pretty much have to rearrange my weekend and other kids activities around my kid spending 2 hrs at your house

Yeah I hate it too. I always saw it as me doing the person a favor to let my kid over to play. I think I’ll just decline from now on because I definitely don’t want to be a “moocher”. My kids are happy to play together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anxiety excuse never ends on this board.

Excuses aren’t necessary at all because you shouldn’t be assuming someone will reciprocate when you offer a play date. A person isn’t obligated to return the favor just because you have a child over to play.

For me, I see it as me doing them a favor if I let my kids go over to play (they’re very well behaved etc). It’s eye opening that most people see it as I owe them if I agree to that.

I have zero issue always having the kids at my place and I do feel grateful to people for making it happen. But it feels weirdly one sided like I’m obsessed with their kid if I’m always inviting and the other family doesn’t reciprocate. I guess I’m an awkward person but I do eventually stop inviting people if they don’t reciprocate for that reason. If someone was honest and just said oh I really can’t host but Larla really enjoys her time here I can see why that might feel awkward but it would help me feel more comfortable honestly.

Don’t your kids want to do play dates? My kids ask about it a bunch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anxiety excuse never ends on this board.

Excuses aren’t necessary at all because you shouldn’t be assuming someone will reciprocate when you offer a play date. A person isn’t obligated to return the favor just because you have a child over to play.

For me, I see it as me doing them a favor if I let my kids go over to play (they’re very well behaved etc). It’s eye opening that most people see it as I owe them if I agree to that.

I have zero issue always having the kids at my place and I do feel grateful to people for making it happen. But it feels weirdly one sided like I’m obsessed with their kid if I’m always inviting and the other family doesn’t reciprocate. I guess I’m an awkward person but I do eventually stop inviting people if they don’t reciprocate for that reason. If someone was honest and just said oh I really can’t host but Larla really enjoys her time here I can see why that might feel awkward but it would help me feel more comfortable honestly.

Don’t your kids want to do play dates? My kids ask about it a bunch

no, some kids don’t ask for a playdate