No one reciprocates/invites for play dates

[Anonymous]

Here’s a question - if you host kids, is it ok to feed them if you know there aren’t allergies at play? Snacks I assume are always ok, but what about if we are making spaghetti or ordering pizza for dinner or something. Do I need to call a parent and ask before feeding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s a question - if you host kids, is it ok to feed them if you know there aren’t allergies at play? Snacks I assume are always ok, but what about if we are making spaghetti or ordering pizza for dinner or something. Do I need to call a parent and ask before feeding?

DS is in 5th grade, hosting for us is more saying it is ok for a kid to come over. We set an end time, normally around 5:30 or 6 PM, which is dinner time. If we are hosting a fire pit we will invite the entire family and let them know they can bring stuff to throw on the grill. If having the kid for a meal we check with the parents because a couple of his friends have food issues.

We are the parents on an only child so we host more then are hosted and we are fine with that. DS has a few friends that are his go to. He will end up at the other only child's house pretty frequently. His friend with a brother will come over to our place about 2/3 of the time and goes to their house about 1/3 of the time.

For the most part, DS asks us if it is ok to have a friend come over when the friend he wants to see is not in walking distance. The other kids can come over and knock and he does the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s a question - if you host kids, is it ok to feed them if you know there aren’t allergies at play? Snacks I assume are always ok, but what about if we are making spaghetti or ordering pizza for dinner or something. Do I need to call a parent and ask before feeding?

IME, people either mention a meal in advance ("We'll be ordering pizza for dinner if Larla wants to stay.") or they text ("Can Larla stay for dinner? I'm making spaghetti marinara.")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anxiety excuse never ends on this board.

Excuses aren’t necessary at all because you shouldn’t be assuming someone will reciprocate when you offer a play date. A person isn’t obligated to return the favor just because you have a child over to play.

Obligation, no. But generally understood to be good manners? Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anxiety excuse never ends on this board.

Excuses aren’t necessary at all because you shouldn’t be assuming someone will reciprocate when you offer a play date. A person isn’t obligated to return the favor just because you have a child over to play.

Obligation, no. But generally understood to be good manners? Yes.

If you want to host, host. But don’t do it with expectations. Lots of things are like this - invite someone to a wedding but don’t expect a gift. Invite someone to a birthday party but don’t assume you will be invited to theirs. Obviously it’s lovely when it happens, but you can’t go in with expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anxiety excuse never ends on this board.

Excuses aren’t necessary at all because you shouldn’t be assuming someone will reciprocate when you offer a play date. A person isn’t obligated to return the favor just because you have a child over to play.

Obligation, no. But generally understood to be good manners? Yes.

Good manners requires a thank you, which OP has said she is getting. There is no requirement beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t host because I have a child that cannot handle kids at our house. They’re perfectly good at other people’s houses, but go crazy at home.

I think this is common - mixed with moms (and dads) that really suck at hosting, and they know it, so they don't reciprocate, OP.

Go to another spot, like a park.

[Anonymous]

My house is tiny and messy, and I don't want you to judge me, so I'd rather you host. I always bring snacks and a craft for the kids so it's not too much trouble for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My house is tiny and messy, and I don't want you to judge me, so I'd rather you host. I always bring snacks and a craft for the kids so it's not too much trouble for you.

I’m the opposite. We live in a big house that is all Pottery Barn deco in beige (DH likes that stuff) and is overly neat and clean (I have ridiculous allergies). I’m afraid to invite people over and assume I am fussy and snooty. You wouldn’t think so at all from what I wear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t host because I have a child that cannot handle kids at our house. They’re perfectly good at other people’s houses, but go crazy at home.

I think this is common - mixed with moms (and dads) that really suck at hosting, and they know it, so they don't reciprocate, OP.

Go to another spot, like a park.

What does it mean to suck at hosting a play date?? Don’t you just have kids run around and play?

[Anonymous]

The vast majority of people who don't host, don't host because they feel their house is lacking in some way. Too messy, too dated, etc. If you have a clean, stylish, new-looking house, and theirs isn't, they will not invite you over.
My house is fine but I still feel weird about playdates because we don't really have anything "fun" at our house. No pool or giant playset, basement has toys and a tv but nothing mind-blowing, no bouncy house. My friends all have all of the above. We had a kid over and he complained he was bored because we don't have Nintendo Switch. I was thinking about getting a trampoline just so they'd have something fun to do here. Just so you know, lack of reciprocation is only a testament to how fun and nice your house must be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of people who don't host, don't host because they feel their house is lacking in some way. Too messy, too dated, etc. If you have a clean, stylish, new-looking house, and theirs isn't, they will not invite you over.
My house is fine but I still feel weird about playdates because we don't really have anything "fun" at our house. No pool or giant playset, basement has toys and a tv but nothing mind-blowing, no bouncy house. My friends all have all of the above. We had a kid over and he complained he was bored because we don't have Nintendo Switch. I was thinking about getting a trampoline just so they'd have something fun to do here. Just so you know, lack of reciprocation is only a testament to how fun and nice your house must be.

That’s how I feel - that we don’t have “fun” stuff at our house! I thought I was the only one who felt weird about this.

[Anonymous]

I host but find it very stressful so it’s less often than I’d want. The stress for me is safety. My kids are super conscientious and obviously know their way around our home. They have access to knives, garden tools etc. and I almost forget about it since they’re so used to it. I let them climb on anything in the backyard because I trust their instincts. Never had baby gates. They know which drawers to avoid. But I know I have to be much more careful with other kids so I end up watching them like a hawk and have to rearrange things. Even my baby plays with heavy wooden toys and other kids may not be used to the weight.

[Anonymous]

OP, they might just not care as much about whether the kids get together or not. With your 5th grader, there isn't much time left before the kids will make arrangements themselves and parents really won't have much say about where they go. Not unless you don't want them at your house. If you *want* the kids to hang-out at your house, even if you do - the kids decide. They have their own preference. Btw. 5th grade or so ... it's certainly no longer called "a play date". That phrase would horrify older elementary school kids.

[Anonymous]

NP again. Op, you are likely the victim of your own success. You're good at it. You don't realize it maybe but it's a skill, you're good at having kids over. Pat on the back (doesn't mean you can't decline though)