BIL offered our vacation home to his brother

[Anonymous]

Your kids will get over Labor Day weekend. You can find something else special to do with them and make plans to see the cousins another time on neutral ground. You need to rethink your whole security system bc who knows how many people have your codes. I would have an expert meet you and dh and get an alarm if you do not already have one. Also, what type of cover do you have on your pool? It makes me nervous that all of these people are driving up and have unfettered access to your pool. Have you thought about an automated cover? That only you and dh can control? Finally, I would obviously revoke your sil and bil’s unlimited access to your house when you aren’t using it. Imo, they cannot be trusted with that privilege. Maybe at some point, you can trust them to be your guests but if it were me, it would take a long time. I am so sorry, op, this is such a violation.

[Anonymous]

OP said her family usually drives out on Friday nights, arriving around 10pm. But this weekend they ended up going Saturday morning. Can you imagine arriving on Friday night to find a family you don’t know sleeping on your porch? I would have freaked out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have second home on MDs Eastern Shore which we have let my DHs sister’s family use when we know we won’t be there. We arrived yesterday and discovered her DH’s brother and his wife and 2 kids (unknown to us beyond meeting at their wedding 8 years ago/no relation to us) using our pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen, screened porch. It was obvious from their supplies they were set up to spend weekend plus there! We found out the BIL had told them he was sure we wouldn’t mind, told them key code, etc. Although they did pack up & leave it was super awkward with pauses where they obviously were waiting for us to tell them to stay. My DH called his sister and her excuse for her DH was that he assumed we wouldn’t mind, assumed (for zero reason) we wouldn’t be using and anyway - hey he didn’t give them key code to house so obviously respectful of our privacy! WTF?!? We obviously changed key codes but DH so pissed he wants to disinvite his sister/BIL from our usual Labor Day shared weekend - which I understand but it punishes our kids as they love this tradition with their cousins.
This is mostly a vent but I’m just shocked they thought nbd…and trying not to wonder who else they’ve had stay there.

Wow! Did not read all the pages on this thread, but for me this would have been a huge breach of trust.

How would have I handled it? I would have probably told the uninvited guests (UG) to hang around, use the pool, have a drink and a meal with us (grill burgers?) before they left for their home, because I would not have wanted to embarrass them in front of their children. Also, I would have blamed my SIL and BIL for the snafu and given the benefit of doubt to the UGs.

I would also not have disinvited SIL-BIL from the LDW, in fact, I would have treated them like just another guest and would have also invited the uninvited guests and their kids for the LDW... BUT, SIL-BIL and family would be told that they no longer have access to our home, pool, vehicle or property - EVER, without our permission. All codes would be changed and all keys returned. If I would find them really apologetic about the whole incident, maybe in a couple of years, I would give them one more chance and put this business behind me. I don't like to muddy family relations but I am also a person who spells out my expectations up front.

[Anonymous]

I would point blank ask "how many times have you given access to our property to someone else?"

I would also 100% cancel labor day weekend and tell them they're no longer allowed access to your home when you're not there. This is a huge breach of trust and you just have no idea if they've done this before or not.

[Anonymous]

Clearly, OP's generosity with her SIL and BIL has somehow left them with the impression that this is a "family" vacation home rather than a home owned by OP and her husband. So, yep, entitled attitude where BIL got to feel like a big man for offering something that wasn't his. And the fact that OP's SIL (the blood relative of DH) didn't call her bro to clear this just tells me they are very untrustworthy couple.

Silver lining with crazy situations like this is that it provides an opportunity to reset everyone's thinking. OP can get cameras and change codes and clearly articulate that from this point forward, no more open invites. Period.

"We're pretty upset about what happened with BIL's family and the explanation left us unsatisfied. We have a difficult time understanding why you felt entitled to offer our home to anyone, family or not, without our OK. Think golden rule here and how you might feel in our shoes. It was violation of trust, pure and simple. We're going to take a break from our annual Labor Day get-together plans and going forward our vaca house is not open to guests unless we explicitly invite them.

[Anonymous]

I'm with your husband, OP. No labor day get together. There is no way I would be able to be a graceful host with these people. Anyone capable of such duplicity is of course a problem. But that they were incapable of falling on their sword when caught, offering a profuse apology and acknowledgment of how shady it was, tells me they are garbage. DH's sister tried to explain it away. Ick.

New tradition. New guests.

[Anonymous]

My guess is DHs sister’s family have brought the randos to your house on DHs sister's time at the house probably a number of times. It sounds like DHs sister's family consider your home a family vacation home.

The whole thing is kind of creepy.

Please invite another family with kids to join you on LD weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My relationship with them would be forever icy. And they would never step foot in my second home again. That just crosses every reasonable boundary that exists. I wouldn't want my kids around anyone who thought that was OK.

Um, ok. Yes it was bad to give out the codes but they didn’t kill someone. Family is family. But it’s your DH’s family so if he wants to ice them on Labor Day just make up a flimsy excuse and give yourselves some space.

[Anonymous]

This whole thing is so bizarre. This family (were there kids??) is so desperate for a vacation, they camp out on someone else’s screened in porch and use the outdoor shower?? I am guessing the BIL felt like it was okay because he didn’t give them codes to the actual house, just the pool house. Did he maybe think they were just going to swim for an afternoon, change in the pool house and leave? They didn’t actually go into the house, right? So strange.

I would be pretty pissed but I don’t think I would cancel the Labor Day weekend plans if all the kids really look forward to it. What the BIL was totally bone headed and seems clearly like a violation, but it didn’t seem like he was trying to pull one over on your or be cruel. Just clueless. Maybe the SIL was feeling put on the spot and plans to offer a better apology?

If he gave out the code to the house and you found a bunch of broken stuff, I would be way more angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thing is so bizarre. This family (were there kids??) is so desperate for a vacation, they camp out on someone else’s screened in porch and use the outdoor shower?? I am guessing the BIL felt like it was okay because he didn’t give them codes to the actual house, just the pool house. Did he maybe think they were just going to swim for an afternoon, change in the pool house and leave? They didn’t actually go into the house, right? So strange.

I would be pretty pissed but I don’t think I would cancel the Labor Day weekend plans if all the kids really look forward to it. What the BIL was totally bone headed and seems clearly like a violation, but it didn’t seem like he was trying to pull one over on your or be cruel. Just clueless. Maybe the SIL was feeling put on the spot and plans to offer a better apology?

If he gave out the code to the house and you found a bunch of broken stuff, I would be way more angry.

Agreed. BIL was stupid, but no harm done, so take a few weeks, and get some perspective. It was a mistake but not one you end relationships over, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

So weird. Also get a ring doorbell stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL was pretty nonchalant, basically an oopsie ’we didn’t know you were going to go this weekend…’ And not that it really matters but despite pool, pool house this isn’t a fancy big house where there’s so much room we wouldn’t even notice extra guests.

Couldn’t your family sleep in the pool house and let the guy that was there first enjoy a few days? Just kicking him out makes yta.

[Anonymous]

Nope. If they knew this family was going to be there, it would have been different, but OP had no idea.

New codes everytime you have SIL back, if you do. And get a ring or other security system that alerts you everytime someone comes to the entry door(s).

[Anonymous]

Oh, I would invite them back, but then just change the codes after each visit SIL comes there for, like Labor Day, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'd be tempted to get rid of the code system altogether, maybe keep one on the back door "just in case" and then go back to a good old fashioned deadbolt with a key. If you don't have a key, you're not getting in. Also, cameras.