Who pays for wedding discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents sat my fiancé and I down and said they’d pay 30k. They didn’t care what wedding we had or if we saved it all for a new home, but they wanted to be there to witness. They wrote us the check that night and had no strings attached. We spent 40k and had our entire families and friends present.

My in-laws didn’t say anything. Later on they mumbled something about a rehearsal dinner. Dh and I were super broke and could afford much (his car just died). We planned a rehearsal dinner we could afford- $350. And that is the only thing they gave us as a wedding gift. It also came a month after the wedding. Long after we paid off our credit card bill. Still perplexed by the whole thing. My In-laws barely covered their plate at our wedding. Whatever. They paid 50k and 70k for their daughters weddings a few years later. I never mentioned it but won’t do that to my son. My daughters and son will all get the same amount.

This is such an ugly expression.

+1

Sons and daughters get the same for a wedding from us: $0. Both have had K-12 private school, college, and grad school (upcoming) paid for by us. We will not contribute to the excesses of the wedding industry. If they want that, they can pay for it.

They did not choose private school, you did.

How greedy can you be? Paying for grad school will set those kids up for success far more than paying for a wedding will ever be. If someone was smart and good with money they would choose paid for grad school over a wedding. You can always scale the wedding appropriately to fit any budget, not so much with school which is a fixed cost.

[Anonymous]

I said we wouldn’t pay for a ($45k) wedding after full-pay private college. And then we did. Twice. Two daughters.

All I’d like is a bit of polite gratitude from the groom’s family. “Thanks for doing this for the kids! It was a splendid day.”

[Anonymous]

Are everyone’s answers the same if adult child is unemployed, lives rent free with friends, dropped out of college, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are everyone’s answers the same if adult child is unemployed, lives rent free with friends, dropped out of college, etc?

If my child and their partner are unemployed and living rent free with friends, I especially wouldn’t pay tens of thousands of $ for a wedding. I’d give money for going back to school or necessities of life, but not an extravagant party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this requires a meeting. First of all, the groom's parents are typically responsible for the rehearsal dinner, NOT the wedding.

I am likely getting engaged soon, and my parents cannot afford to give me $20-30K for a wedding (nor do I expect them to: I make good money and they funded my entire $$ college education). What they've indicated to me is that they will give me a certain amount (I am assuming around $5K). And I will be extremely appreciative! FWIW, I don't plan on having an overly extravagant wedding anyways.

When I got married (we were 36/37) we had no discussions with parents at all about expenses with parents. We just received a check for $5K from my parents and a a check for $5K from his parents (I am 100% it was coincidental). and that was great! Wedding plus honeymoon came to about $30K, we paid the rest ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I said we wouldn’t pay for a ($45k) wedding after full-pay private college. And then we did. Twice. Two daughters.

All I’d like is a bit of polite gratitude from the groom’s family. “Thanks for doing this for the kids! It was a splendid day.”

Do you expect this from all the guests?

If you want the newlyweds to be grateful, I get it. You did something nice for them. But everyone else is just a guest, feeling guest-level gratitude

[Anonymous]

I can't believe the venom of some of you. It's a joyful event. What is more joyful? People who love each other gathering together for likely a once in a lifetime event ... maybe you are the type who like funerals better. Contibute whatever or not but many of you are so awful. Glad you aren't my family.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I paid for everything ourselves, we were already in our 30s and that made sense. His mother offered to contribute but we refused as it came with many strings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

x10000000


Over a certain age - couple looks ridiculous if their aging parents have to pay for a wedding!

+1 and +1000 when gets to 2nd & 3rd weddings

+1

PP here. Also true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the venom of some of you. It's a joyful event. What is more joyful? People who love each other gathering together for likely a once in a lifetime event ... maybe you are the type who like funerals better. Contibute whatever or not but many of you are so awful. Glad you aren't my family.

It is joyful! Just don't expect your aging parents to pay your way - it looks silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

It’s really a conversation the couple needs to initiate with you. They need to be adults. They should also expect to pay for all of it. Even if you did pay they should act as if they were paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I’ll add here is if you do not pay for the wedding (or contribute a substantial amount), the couple is under no obligation to invite your guests. So, no, if the couple is paying your coworkers aren’t coming. Your cousin who isn’t close to your kid isn’t coming. The guest list is entirely up to the couple.

If you contribute you are now the hosts and can dictate the guest list to some extent.

Do parents still expect to invite people if they aren’t throwing the party (wedding/reception)? The couples I know invited who they wanted.

[Anonymous]

There should be no discussion. They're the ones getting married. They pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I said we wouldn’t pay for a ($45k) wedding after full-pay private college. And then we did. Twice. Two daughters.

All I’d like is a bit of polite gratitude from the groom’s family. “Thanks for doing this for the kids! It was a splendid day.”

Wouldn’t that be nice? 20 years later and my ILs still routinely bring up and crow about the fact they never “had” to pay for a wedding since they only have sons. They also did not thank us or my parents (who paid for the bulk of the wedding) for hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the venom of some of you. It's a joyful event. What is more joyful? People who love each other gathering together for likely a once in a lifetime event ... maybe you are the type who like funerals better. Contibute whatever or not but many of you are so awful. Glad you aren't my family.

Wow, sounds like someone's Special Day didn't work out as planned.

I haven't seen any venom. I've seen a lot of people being rational in the face of levels of enthusiasm for a very expensive party. And you're welcome to throw a very expensive party if you want to, but take your hand out of other people's pockets, please.