Who pays for wedding discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are Indian American and have a boy and a girl. We will be giving each $50K towards their wedding. They can use it any way they want to. We will attend the wedding as guests. They are dating White people. Our guess is that the other parents will not be contributing anything. We are not interested in giving anyone a Bollywood extravaganza on our dime.

OMG--yes! Indian weddings are often over the top (I'm part of an Indian American family). Most are done to showcase for friends and family, with definition of friends being "anyone you have every met or worked with" I'm thankful that I don't think my kids will want anything like that when they get married. I've been to so many with 500-700+ in attendance, where the bride/groom don't even know half the people.

Not really. Indian weddings are all about strengthening social network and family ties. Both sides of family gains each other connections and the newly weds gain the support of both sides.

Bride and groom do not pay a cent in Indian weddings and it is the parents who are paying for everything. Bride and groom get to invite all their friends and connections but obviously they do not have as many friends as their parents have. I like the huge Indian weddings but it won't happen for our own kids, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are Indian American and have a boy and a girl. We will be giving each $50K towards their wedding. They can use it any way they want to. We will attend the wedding as guests. They are dating White people. Our guess is that the other parents will not be contributing anything. We are not interested in giving anyone a Bollywood extravaganza on our dime.

Zero criticism, but just curious, would your position change if they were marrying other Indian Americans?

Yes. Of course. Indian marriages are marriages between families and the mindset is completely different than WASPs. I would have been ok with them getting married to any other Asian, Greek, Italian, Jewish, Middle Eastern families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

You are obviously white and of a certain age. That’s NOT how it works in other cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

You are obviously white and of a certain age. That’s NOT how it works in other cultures.

Agree this feels outdated but 🙄 at the white comment. This was standard US custom for a long time. If OP was of a specific culture that has different traditions she would have mentioned that in the OP. Not doing so would be as dumb as posting school or real estate questions on this board without mentioning if you live outside the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are Indian American and have a boy and a girl. We will be giving each $50K towards their wedding. They can use it any way they want to. We will attend the wedding as guests. They are dating White people. Our guess is that the other parents will not be contributing anything. We are not interested in giving anyone a Bollywood extravaganza on our dime.

OMG--yes! Indian weddings are often over the top (I'm part of an Indian American family). Most are done to showcase for friends and family, with definition of friends being "anyone you have every met or worked with" I'm thankful that I don't think my kids will want anything like that when they get married. I've been to so many with 500-700+ in attendance, where the bride/groom don't even know half the people.

Not really. Indian weddings are all about strengthening social network and family ties. Both sides of family gains each other connections and the newly weds gain the support of both sides.

Bride and groom do not pay a cent in Indian weddings and it is the parents who are paying for everything. Bride and groom get to invite all their friends and connections but obviously they do not have as many friends as their parents have. I like the huge Indian weddings but it won't happen for our own kids, unfortunately.

This. In Indian wedding is so much more than a Bollywood extravaganza (which has become this popular but inaccurate trope.) I am Indian and have set aside $100K for each child’s wedding expenses. If the children decide they do not need that much for the celebration, then we will let them use that however they want to celebrate their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

You are obviously white and of a certain age. That’s NOT how it works in other cultures.

You are obviously in a US website, most users here are "white and of a certain age," and nothing in OP's comment suggests some ethnic angle. Either add something useful or get lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

This was always the etiquette. 100%

This was and is the most common etiquette in the US; of course with exceptions as other PPs have been pointing out.

[Anonymous]

I would start by chatting with your daughter about the wedding traditions in your family, if there are any, particularly around who pays, but make clear that she and her fiance get to decide how they want to handle thier own wedding. I wouldn't talk budget until they decide they want financial help from you, but be ready with the number.

Then encourage her to find out from her fiance what the traditions are on his side of the family. From this baseline, they can know what people might be expecting, and then decide how they want to approach their wedding. They should be clear about any traditions that are particularly important (ceremonial and financial) such that people would be hurt if they were thrown to the side -- even if they do throw them to the side, just so they know to approach it sensitively and be prepared for questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

In east coast WASP culture, this most certainly was at one time “the rule.” For many generations.

It still is the tradition here.

In certain moneyed circles. Or in circles that would like to give the appearance of having more than they do. Usually when the brides are heading for SAHM status or are very young, in my observation.

This is not about wealth or WASPS. That was the tradition in blue collar Catholic families, in mining towns, in mill towns, etc., as well. Depending on ethnicity there were also cookie tables, community perogie making for the wedding, dollar dances with the bride, etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

In east coast WASP culture, this most certainly was at one time “the rule.” For many generations.

It still is the tradition here.

In certain moneyed circles. Or in circles that would like to give the appearance of having more than they do. Usually when the brides are heading for SAHM status or are very young, in my observation.

This is not about wealth or WASPS. That was the tradition in blue collar Catholic families, in mining towns, in mill towns, etc., as well. Depending on ethnicity there were also cookie tables, community perogie making for the wedding, dollar dances with the bride, etc. etc.

The cookie table tradition is very limited geographically, which is a darned shame. (I say this as someone from the non-cookie-table zone)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

x10000000


Over a certain age - couple looks ridiculous if their aging parents have to pay for a wedding!

Only to people like you.
I would love to give my child the gift of covering a wedding at any age, if I could afford it. And, really, I don't care what you think about that.

Just telling you what the guests are thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

In east coast WASP culture, this most certainly was at one time “the rule.” For many generations.

It still is the tradition here.

In certain moneyed circles. Or in circles that would like to give the appearance of having more than they do. Usually when the brides are heading for SAHM status or are very young, in my observation.

This is not about wealth or WASPS. That was the tradition in blue collar Catholic families, in mining towns, in mill towns, etc., as well. Depending on ethnicity there were also cookie tables, community perogie making for the wedding, dollar dances with the bride, etc. etc.

Exactly-tradition was bride family-wedding, bar bill- groom's, rehearsal-groom's. Couples and each parent unit contributing what they could afford. Even decades ago it was flexible. Ours grew due to guest list demands by DH family- felt like my parents got stiffed. My aunts did the cookie-pastry table.

My adult DC's marrying make the decisions. $ allocated to each whether M or F. Since at least 1 has married we have a baseline.

How do you do 200 to 300 plus people weddings with multiple day events for 100k?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

This is 2022, not 1922!

We have 3 kids (mix of boys/girls), and have saved/earmarked $50k for each of their weddings. If the other family contributes too, great. If they elope and use the money towards a house, great. If they want to use just our funds, or add to it, great. Their wedding, their lives, their choices. ZERO judgment from us.

Bully fir you. But that’s still the etiquette rule and that will be the attitude of most parents of the groom. If you get offered more … great!

Fine. But as a wife who earns more than spouse I guess his parents should have paid then huh? My dad paid for the wedding bc dh’s parents stupidly claimed wife’s side pays. I plan to give both kids one boy one girl the same amount. The whole dowry thing is so stupid and antiquated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

Those days are over.

DP here. I don't think so. If you can't afford a wedding, you can't afford to be married.

This wins dumbest comment of the year. Getting married and staying married is the best way to build wealth. Newlyweds being broke is a time honored tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

In east coast WASP culture, this most certainly was at one time “the rule.” For many generations.

It still is the tradition here.

In certain moneyed circles. Or in circles that would like to give the appearance of having more than they do. Usually when the brides are heading for SAHM status or are very young, in my observation.

This is not about wealth or WASPS. That was the tradition in blue collar Catholic families, in mining towns, in mill towns, etc., as well. Depending on ethnicity there were also cookie tables, community perogie making for the wedding, dollar dances with the bride, etc. etc.

Exactly-tradition was bride family-wedding, bar bill- groom's, rehearsal-groom's. Couples and each parent unit contributing what they could afford. Even decades ago it was flexible. Ours grew due to guest list demands by DH family- felt like my parents got stiffed. My aunts did the cookie-pastry table.

My adult DC's marrying make the decisions. $ allocated to each whether M or F. Since at least 1 has married we have a baseline.

How do you do 200 to 300 plus people weddings with multiple day events for 100k?

How far back do you consider "tradition"?