MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a Jewish thing but of course you let your MIL have the door code in case she needs to use the bathroom or whatever. Who cares? Why do you need to know??? She’s your family. What is wrong with you people?

You do realize MIL could have walked in unannounced on OP and her husband having sex, or stepping out of the shower, or taking a sick day and scaring them? Especially if cars were in the garage or parked further down the street or something, she very well could have walked in on them, unannounced. I guess Jewish people are OK walking in on a married couple having sex, or walking in not knowing that they had company over…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are NTA. She is. I would never give her the code again.

+100

[Anonymous]

Again, some more: notice that not one person can answer either of these questions:

NAME ONE REASON why she couldn’t have called first.

NAME ONE REASON why she couldn’t have informed them after the fact.

Name.
One.
Reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

+1 OP did say that when her MIL was going to stop by while they were home she always let them know. But she doesn’t mention it the times she knows they’re not there? That’s weird. Even if she left it perfectly fine she knows what she was doing was wrong.

DP

I mean, that's it. How many years has she been doing this? And she always calls if she knows they are home, but she never ever finds any reason to mention she's been there when they are not? For years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

I support you and would feel the same. Mil violated your trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

x1000 I cannot believe someone would be upset about something stupid like this. It isn't Fort Knox and it's your husband's mom. Why on earth would you mind if she popped in and used the potty while you were out. Crazy.

[Anonymous]

My MIL used to walk in to our house without knocking or ringing the doorbell while we were in it. If we left the garage door up, she would walk in to the kitchen. If the front door was unlocked, she would just walk in. I asked her a couple times to knock or ring the doorbell and she was upset and put out, “Do YOUR parents have to ring the doorbell??!!” Uh. Yes. And PS, I have never had to ask them to do so because they understand not to enter someone’s home without an invitation.

Despite my request and the knowledge that she is receiving the same treatment as my parents, she continued to just walk in so I started keeping the garage door closed and the front door locked.

I would never give my MIL our door code and you shouldn’t either, OP, if you and your husband feel that she has crossed a line. If people don’t respect your boundaries, it is up to the individual to enforce them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she has been doing it secretively makes me think she has also been snooping around while she is there.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s great that you and your husband are on the same page on this. I would also see this as a major invasion of privacy - but what matters is that the two of YOU feel that way.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

LOL. In other words, thank you for validating my opinion and nuts to everyone (the majority) who posted to indicate that they think I am overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Have you left the place a mess before heading out for the weekend and not expecting company? You know she commented to others about that by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

LOL. In other words, thank you for validating my opinion and nuts to everyone (the majority) who posted to indicate that they think I am overreacting.

I don’t think you know what “majority” means. Also, posting over and over again as though you’re different people doesn’t count 🙏

[Anonymous]

So she's mad ... people get mad. She'll get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a Jewish thing but of course you let your MIL have the door code in case she needs to use the bathroom or whatever. Who cares? Why do you need to know??? She’s your family. What is wrong with you people?

You do realize MIL could have walked in unannounced on OP and her husband having sex, or stepping out of the shower, or taking a sick day and scaring them? Especially if cars were in the garage or parked further down the street or something, she very well could have walked in on them, unannounced. I guess Jewish people are OK walking in on a married couple having sex, or walking in not knowing that they had company over…

So? Do you live with a particular fear of someone walking into an intimate moment? I don't. I find this whole thread quite bizarre. Of course MIL should have the updated code (I'm not Jewish)