SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers

[Anonymous]

While I don’t think you have to help out it sounds like all adult kids and partners are helping so they assumed you would, also. This may have been an incorrect assumption as it sounds like you don’t want to but I really don’t think they are trying to put you out or are intentionally making an effort to control you from what you’ve shared.

I get that the calendar is an obligation and isn’t a “drop in whenever works” set up but, given your MILs situation, I get why they are trying to schedule and organize to make sure she is getting consistent help and attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

Of course prior poster was not referring to the patient. You sound defensive. Just concurring that some lessons need to be learned first hand.

We learn these lessons in our 40s and 50s caring for our parents. I don't consider that elderly.

You're kind of young to be doing the family hierarchy thing. I'm 43, and hope I have mutual respect with my family members. I certainly don't demand or expect that someone will think I have special powers because I've been on the planet 10 years longer. That kind of thinking is the foundation of family dysfunction.

NP. You don't need to be "elderly" to be "an elder." My 44yo sister is my elder sister. She has more life experience than I do. She's not always right and I don't always listen to her, but it's a fact that she's been on this planet for 10 years longer than me.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

[Anonymous]

If you have young kids, I could see not helping, but why not help once a month? Can your husband help more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

Having had to put my MIL in a nursing home as I was the primary 24/7 caregiver with no help, I would have much preferred to keep her in a house with caregivers. The nursing home care sucked and was a lot of work for me to stay on top of for even basic care. Not everyone has the space to take in a loved one. We have a 900 square foot house so it was a big deal and really difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

OP here. Thanks for your feedback.
I don't know why my SILs haven't moved my MIL in with them. They don't seem keen. Instead, they rely on hired aides and helpers to take care of MIL in her own house. My SILs don't want her to move to a care facility because they think her condition will deteriorate quicker in a facility.
My husband thinks she will need to move to more appropriate accommodation at some point as she's getting more frail and she has had a couple of falls and near falls in recent months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm 54, my husband is 63.

This grates on me because SILs showed no interest or compassion to my parents when they were ill and died. My mom died of cancer 7 months after the diagnosis at the age of only 52.
My dad had advanced diabetes (it went undetected for years), he subsequently developed osteomyelitis, he then started having TIAs and he eventually died of sepsis (blood poisoning). He was 64.

My parents lived 6 hours away. I did not expect SILs to go see my parents in person when they were ill, but they could have sent them a friendly card or a note, they could have asked me about my parents, or comforted me after they died. They didn't. I have no siblings so no one to share my grief with apart from my husband.

OP, If I do the math correctly, your mother must have died over 20 years ago, and your father likely 15+ years ago. This... is a long time to hold a grudge. I'm sorry that SILs weren't there for you as much as you would have liked, but I'm guessing that 20 years ago they may have been neck deep in childrearing/working/general life business. Sure, it would have been nice to send a card, but your anger towards them is completely misplaced. I too am an only child and have ZERO expectations from my SIL or BIL when it comes to the care of MY parents. Why would they be involved in that? They have their own parents, in-laws, and children to worry about.

OP, you don't like your SILs and you are bent out of shaped that they asked you to do something that you think will benefit them. Your SILs may be ugly on the inside, but it seems you are no better.

I am the OP.
Do you realize how judgmental you sound?

My mother died 23 years ago, my father 14 years ago.

While I did not expect my SILs to 'take care of' my parents or 'get involved' (that was my job) I felt sad that they - 2 women of my own age group - didn't show any interest in nor compassion for my parents' and my situation. They could have sent my mother a friendly card to show they were thinking of her when her diagnosis was terminal; they could have asked me about my father now and then when he was ill and struggling for 3 years; they could have made some time for me when I was feeling down after each funeral.
But they didn't, and that was a choice.

The thing is, I know my SILs better than you and I can confirm that they NEVER get in touch with me unless they need something from me or when they want me to do something that will benefit them.

In the 25 years that I've known them, they NEVER call me to say hi, or ask me over for coffee or for a chat or to go shopping or to do something fun together. And when I suggest getting together they're always 'busy', or they say they have other priorities.

So I will just ignore their sulking and I will support my MIL on my own terms, if and when I can, not when and how often they think I should help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

Or why not move in with the SON? How sexist of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

Of course prior poster was not referring to the patient. You sound defensive. Just concurring that some lessons need to be learned first hand.

We learn these lessons in our 40s and 50s caring for our parents. I don't consider that elderly.

NP. You don't need to be "elderly" to be "an elder." My 44yo sister is my elder sister. She has more life experience than I do. She's not always right and I don't always listen to her, but it's a fact that she's been on this planet for 10 years longer than me.

I did all the work and actually understand the reality of aging unlike my 7 year older sister. Being older does not mean you are wiser. My mother thinks she is an expert on all of this after sitting on her tush while her siblings did the heavy lifting. She has doled out useless advice to countless people. Life experience is life experience and is not necessarily correlated with age.

That’s why I said she’s not always right and I don’t always listen to her.

[Anonymous]

OP you seem to be thinking about this in a very rigid way. I understand that you are not close with your SILs and that this has been hurtful. I don’t think it makes a lot of sense to hold this against them as they come up with a care plan for your MIL in her old age. Ultimately, this plan is to the benefit of your MIL who you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

Or why not move in with the SON? How sexist of you.

+1 if you are genuinely concerned about the level of care they are providing, talk with your DH and you two can offer for her to move in.

Fine if you don’t want to take care of MIL but just say that. You don’t want the obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm 54, my husband is 63.

This grates on me because SILs showed no interest or compassion to my parents when they were ill and died. My mom died of cancer 7 months after the diagnosis at the age of only 52.
My dad had advanced diabetes (it went undetected for years), he subsequently developed osteomyelitis, he then started having TIAs and he eventually died of sepsis (blood poisoning). He was 64.

My parents lived 6 hours away. I did not expect SILs to go see my parents in person when they were ill, but they could have sent them a friendly card or a note, they could have asked me about my parents, or comforted me after they died. They didn't. I have no siblings so no one to share my grief with apart from my husband.

OP, If I do the math correctly, your mother must have died over 20 years ago, and your father likely 15+ years ago. This... is a long time to hold a grudge. I'm sorry that SILs weren't there for you as much as you would have liked, but I'm guessing that 20 years ago they may have been neck deep in childrearing/working/general life business. Sure, it would have been nice to send a card, but your anger towards them is completely misplaced. I too am an only child and have ZERO expectations from my SIL or BIL when it comes to the care of MY parents. Why would they be involved in that? They have their own parents, in-laws, and children to worry about.

OP, you don't like your SILs and you are bent out of shaped that they asked you to do something that you think will benefit them. Your SILs may be ugly on the inside, but it seems you are no better.

What a nasty post. The rest of us can see very clearly who is nasty on the inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem to be thinking about this in a very rigid way. I understand that you are not close with your SILs and that this has been hurtful. I don’t think it makes a lot of sense to hold this against them as they come up with a care plan for your MIL in her old age. Ultimately, this plan is to the benefit of your MIL who you like.

It sounds like it is more than holding a grudge. The sils have always been indifferent, which means uncaring, towards op. When people like that are in charge they will usually run roughshod over the person they don't like. I would keep my distance and help mil when I want as prior posters have suggested. I would not assume the sil in charge would be reasonable in her requests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.

This right here.

Another angle: “I will be supporting DH in his role as a primary caregiver. I will not be a primary caregiver. You need to keep in mind my role as you and DH discuss long-term options.”

But OP has already said the SIL’s spouse is on the chart and the other SIL does not have one. OP is the only one not participating and her husband is doing only half of the time everyone else does. I mean their choice but they are really not doing their share.

No. The controlling SILs don’t get to dictate what other people’s “shares” are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

Or why not move in with the SON? How sexist of you.

Probably because OP and her husband actually WORK full time and don’t sit around on their rear ends “living off inheritance and investments.”