SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.

This right here.

Another angle: “I will be supporting DH in his role as a primary caregiver. I will not be a primary caregiver. You need to keep in mind my role as you and DH discuss long-term options.”

But OP has already said the SIL’s spouse is on the chart and the other SIL does not have one. OP is the only one not participating and her husband is doing only half of the time everyone else does. I mean their choice but they are really not doing their share.

Um, yes. Of the three direct children, OP’s DH is indeed doing “his share.” OP is not obligated to do anything here. Good for BIL that he is, but that’s voluntary, not obligation.

This is OP here.
My husband is doing what he can. He sees his mom half a day per week. He keeps her company and he takes her out to the local park where they buy a cup of coffee or an ice cream. He does any jobs that need doing in her house on the day he's with her. He also takes care of the administrative and financial side of things from afar (usually online).

My husband is the only one of the 3 children who works full-time so he can't spend more time with her. The half day he spends with her he makes up by working longer hours on other days.

SILs don't work, but they have alternative incomes through inheritance and/ or investments. So they have more time to spend with MIL. They live 30-40 minutes away from MIL, we live 1 hr 30 mins away, so in the event of an emergency or a crisis it's the SILs who go to MIL's house as they can get there quicker.

If you are not working, and your husband asks you to do part of his share…that would be nice. Don’t think if it as a ledger between you and your sister-in-law. She may be hurt or confused if you feel no desire to help your family (thru marriage), but if that is who you are, she has to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

[Anonymous]

Just be a good wife and daughter in law. Your baggage with your SIL is clouding your perceptions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

Of course prior poster was not referring to the patient. You sound defensive. Just concurring that some lessons need to be learned first hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

Of course prior poster was not referring to the patient. You sound defensive. Just concurring that some lessons need to be learned first hand.

We learn these lessons in our 40s and 50s caring for our parents. I don't consider that elderly.

[Anonymous]

You should not pay attention to SIL.

However, if you like your DH and your MIL, you should do what you can for your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

Of course prior poster was not referring to the patient. You sound defensive. Just concurring that some lessons need to be learned first hand.

We learn these lessons in our 40s and 50s caring for our parents. I don't consider that elderly.

NP. You don't need to be "elderly" to be "an elder." My 44yo sister is my elder sister. She has more life experience than I do. She's not always right and I don't always listen to her, but it's a fact that she's been on this planet for 10 years longer than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

Of course prior poster was not referring to the patient. You sound defensive. Just concurring that some lessons need to be learned first hand.

We learn these lessons in our 40s and 50s caring for our parents. I don't consider that elderly.

NP. You don't need to be "elderly" to be "an elder." My 44yo sister is my elder sister. She has more life experience than I do. She's not always right and I don't always listen to her, but it's a fact that she's been on this planet for 10 years longer than me.

I did all the work and actually understand the reality of aging unlike my 7 year older sister. Being older does not mean you are wiser. My mother thinks she is an expert on all of this after sitting on her tush while her siblings did the heavy lifting. She has doled out useless advice to countless people. Life experience is life experience and is not necessarily correlated with age.

[Anonymous]

I am also an only child. Your husband’s family has no obligation to your parents. It does suck that his family didn’t offer you any sympathy during that time.

I think you need to separate your hurt over your parents’ deaths from the current issue. You do not need to be a caregiver for your MIL, but your husband does. If you decide as a team that you will perform that labor on behalf of your marital unit, that’s fine. Otherwise he needs to step up and you need to hold things together with the kids just as I assume he took care of the kids while you were off taking care of your parents.

[Anonymous]

Did SIL make a unilateral decision that mom would age in place and everyone would divide up tasks or was your husband part of planning. This should have been discussed in advance. If she is making these decisions on her own then she needs to deal with the fallout on her own. She can ask what you can offer, but it's not her place to inform you or your husband what you MUST do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not pay attention to SIL.

However, if you like your DH and your MIL, you should do what you can for your MIL.

OP again.
Thanks. I love my husband and I like my MIL a lot. Neither my DH nor my MIL are demanding people. DH is happy if I see MIL for a couple of hours every 6 to 8 weeks. He doesn't expect me to do any hard labor, just chat with her, listen to her and maybe take her for a walk together with DH. MIL is happy to see me whenever.

I guess my SILs got upset that I don't do more and that I didn't put my name on the chart. Also, the husband of one SIL got upset about it. He does a lot for MIL, voluntarily.

I'll try not to let it bother me anymore. DH and I decide how and how often we provide support to MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

From the OP: SILs think that I should be one of the caregivers, not to help MIL with grooming or personal care but to provide companionship and to generally entertain her.

It is just visiting, not caregiving. If she had a good relationship with her MIL, she should visit her. She is digging in her heels about it because her SIL asked her to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should not pay attention to SIL.

However, if you like your DH and your MIL, you should do what you can for your MIL.

OP again.
Thanks. I love my husband and I like my MIL a lot. Neither my DH nor my MIL are demanding people. DH is happy if I see MIL for a couple of hours every 6 to 8 weeks. He doesn't expect me to do any hard labor, just chat with her, listen to her and maybe take her for a walk together with DH. MIL is happy to see me whenever.

I guess my SILs got upset that I don't do more and that I didn't put my name on the chart. Also, the husband of one SIL got upset about it. He does a lot for MIL, voluntarily.

I'll try not to let it bother me anymore. DH and I decide how and how often we provide support to MIL.

Support your DH and MIL however you prefer. You don't need to be added to "the chart" to do that.

"I'll be supporting DH and MIL in other ways, thanks."

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Did SIL make a unilateral decision that mom would age in place and everyone would divide up tasks or was your husband part of planning. This should have been discussed in advance. If she is making these decisions on her own then she needs to deal with the fallout on her own. She can ask what you can offer, but it's not her place to inform you or your husband what you MUST do.[/quote]

Pretty much. SILs support the idea of ageing in place. They fear that MIL will deteriorate quicker in a care home. So theý hired a number of aides and helpers to do the hard labor (cooking, bathing, grooming, intimate care, companionship, activities, etc).

One SIL appointed herself as the case manager.

My DH was neither for nor against ageing in place. He loves his mom but he is not as emotionally close to her as his sisters. He is also not against the idea of his mom moving to a care home.

[Anonymous]

I'm 54, my husband is 63.

This grates on me because SILs showed no interest or compassion to my parents when they were ill and died. My mom died of cancer 7 months after the diagnosis at the age of only 52.
My dad had advanced diabetes (it went undetected for years), he subsequently developed osteomyelitis, he then started having TIAs and he eventually died of sepsis (blood poisoning). He was 64.

My parents lived 6 hours away. I did not expect SILs to go see my parents in person when they were ill, but they could have sent them a friendly card or a note, they could have asked me about my parents, or comforted me after they died. They didn't. I have no siblings so no one to share my grief with apart from my husband.

OP, If I do the math correctly, your mother must have died over 20 years ago, and your father likely 15+ years ago. This... is a long time to hold a grudge. I'm sorry that SILs weren't there for you as much as you would have liked, but I'm guessing that 20 years ago they may have been neck deep in childrearing/working/general life business. Sure, it would have been nice to send a card, but your anger towards them is completely misplaced. I too am an only child and have ZERO expectations from my SIL or BIL when it comes to the care of MY parents. Why would they be involved in that? They have their own parents, in-laws, and children to worry about.

OP, you don't like your SILs and you are bent out of shaped that they asked you to do something that you think will benefit them. Your SILs may be ugly on the inside, but it seems you are no better.