SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers

[Anonymous]

I'm 54, my husband is 63.
MIL is 93 and lives in her own home 1 hour 30 minutes away.
Three or four years ago she was diagnosed with mild vascular dementia and Alzheimer's. Her condition has progressed since the diagnosis but it's being managed with medication, a healthy and balanced diet and by exposing her to visual stimuli and having her loved ones near her.

SILs (my husband's sisters) live 30-40 minutes away from MIL.

My SILs insist that MIL stays in her own home for as long as possible. They and my husband hired a small army of aides and companions so that MIL doesn't have to move to a care home.
They have set up a shared electronic calendar which shows who goes to see MIL when, at what time and what they do for her.

SILs think that I should be one of the caregivers, not to help MIL with grooming or personal care but to provide companionship and to generally entertain her.

This grates on me because SILs showed no interest or compassion to my parents when they were ill and died. My mom died of cancer 7 months after the diagnosis at the age of only 52.
My dad had advanced diabetes (it went undetected for years), he subsequently developed osteomyelitis, he then started having TIAs and he eventually died of sepsis (blood poisoning). He was 64.

My parents lived 6 hours away. I did not expect SILs to go see my parents in person when they were ill, but they could have sent them a friendly card or a note, they could have asked me about my parents, or comforted me after they died. They didn't. I have no siblings so no one to share my grief with apart from my husband.
My SILs are quite self-absorbed people (my husband's own words, not mine) and I guess they were too wrapped up in their own bubble to care at the time.

What do you all think of this?

[Anonymous]

Your dh helps with the care for his mother. You say no.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you. But follow up questions are:
What’s your relationship with MIL? Do you want to help?
What does your DH say?
With self absorbed people, it’s probably best to draw a clear line. But if I liked MiL and DH and I generally split duties, I would consider backing DH on his shifts in case something came up. I would not be ok with being added to the calendar.

[Anonymous]

Your analogy is bad bc your sister in laws weren’t your parents daughters in laws. Nevertheless, they are wrong to treat this ass your responsibility however your husband does have some responsibility-I would redirect them to him.

[Anonymous]

If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.

[Anonymous]

Tell them that she's their mom and their burden not your mom and your burden.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to separate out your family from what is currently happening with your husband's extended family.

First, I'm sorry for your loss and yes, your SILs should have expressed sympathies to you. At the same time, they were not related to your parents, though they are of course related to you through marriage. So the sympathies were due to you.

This case of your MIL is separate. Your MIL is related to you. Your DH owes a level of care to his mother the same as his sisters do.

Are your SILs husbands also on the chart?

That said, distance is a real thing. It is hard to be further away - if your DH is not able to be there physically as often as his closer sisters, he should be making that up in other ways, supporting his sisters, etc. I think you could make a strong argument that you do not need to be on the chart as much as folks who are local, or as much as your husband does.

But there are probably a lot more dynamics at play, and there may be cultural expectations, too. without knowing more it's hard to say.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your husbands that your SIL sound self absorbed. I'm sorry they showed you no compassion when your parents were ill and died.

I would look at the current situation from a new point of view. You are not self absorbed. You are a loving spouse and a caring DIL. Did your husband show you care and compassion when your parents died? If you choose to help support your MIL you are doing it for your husband and his mother. Not for your SILs. I married into a large family and my MIL is currently having health issues that will require her children to work out a schedule of care similar to what you are describing. I fully intend to be on that schedule. I love my mother in law. I love my husband. I even love my SILs even if they haven't always been my best friends. So spend time with your MIL because it will mean something to your husband and because if you have children you will be modeling good behavior. Try not to let you SIL treatment of you influence your actions. Don't give them that power. You are stronger, kinder and better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to separate out your family from what is currently happening with your husband's extended family.

First, I'm sorry for your loss and yes, your SILs should have expressed sympathies to you. At the same time, they were not related to your parents, though they are of course related to you through marriage. So the sympathies were due to you.

This case of your MIL is separate. Your MIL is related to you. Your DH owes a level of care to his mother the same as his sisters do.

Are your SILs husbands also on the chart?

That said, distance is a real thing. It is hard to be further away - if your DH is not able to be there physically as often as his closer sisters, he should be making that up in other ways, supporting his sisters, etc. I think you could make a strong argument that you do not need to be on the chart as much as folks who are local, or as much as your husband does.

But there are probably a lot more dynamics at play, and there may be cultural expectations, too. without knowing more it's hard to say.

This is what I need to know.

[Anonymous]

In your shoes, I would support whatever my DH needed. Just like he supports my needs.

If your DH was there for your parent's health issues then you should be there for his.

In short - a lot depends on your relationship with your DH. What your SIL thinks is immaterial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your shoes, I would support whatever my DH needed. Just like he supports my needs.

If your DH was there for your parent's health issues then you should be there for his.

In short - a lot depends on your relationship with your DH. What your SIL thinks is immaterial.

And your SIL is a jerk for not showing you or your parents compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your analogy is bad bc your sister in laws weren’t your parents daughters in laws. Nevertheless, they are wrong to treat this ass your responsibility however your husband does have some responsibility-I would redirect them to him.

+1 your SIL are not related to your parents in any meaningful way. It would have been nice if they supported you as your SIL’s, but the fact that they did not, seems like they are self-absorbed and aren’t close to you. I wouldn’t want relatives like that demanding that I do something. Is your husband on the schedule? He should be and because you two are a unit, it would be nice if you could help him at times. Let him deal with his sisters and you can help your MIL as part of your family unit.

[Anonymous]

Your DH should be on the chart. If you want to share the burden with your husband, that is up to you.

[Anonymous]

How often would you be going if your own accord? Tell them that you are willing to go once a month, once every 6 weeks, for 2 hours or whatever. And decline if they “put you on the schedule” more.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to tell his sisters to take you off this chart. If they challenge him, tell him to ask them to show where their own spouses are listed on this schedule.