SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
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Anonymous
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1. I agree with you. 2. But the diseases are not the same. Here the companionship is actually part of the treatment. 3. I know it's hard to see it that way when it's your own loved ones who died and the SILs didn't care, because reciprocity in a relationship is important and you feel resentful and neglected. What you can argue is that your companionship isn't actually that helpful, since what Alzheimer's patients respond to most are their children, siblings and spouses - people they've known and loved for a long time. Anyway. Your family contribution should mostly fall to your husband. |
Anonymous
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I am the OP. Thanks for your feedback. To answer your questions, MIL and I have a very good relationship. I like her, she likes me. She is a sweet lady who has always treated me as one of the family.
My husband sees his mom once a week for about half a day. His sisters see her at least twice a week each, and they also go to her house if there's an emergency or a crisis. They also take her to hospital appointments, her hairdresser, etc. The husband of one SIL is also helping. My husband also supports his sisters by taking care of the administrative side of things, from afar. I have said that I don't want to be added to their electronic calendar/chart. I guess I would feel differently about my SILs' request if they made an effort with me from time to time. I've known them for 25 years and over the years I have tried initiating conversations, meetups and various interactions but they are always 'busy' and uninterested. During family dinners they typically talk to each other and to MIL but not to me (just an example). When I say something to my SILs at the dinner table they will reply briefly but then they continue talking to each other. They are very close-knit. I don't know if this matters but I grew up in a different country so my background is different to theirs. I also don't have siblings. |
Anonymous
| Of course she does because she wants some free service for mommy. Is she a manipulative person? Even if you are close to your MIL, you do not have to follow SIL's schedule. You figure out with your husband and your MIL when to visit. She does not get to run the show. Your husband is the one to set boundaries and say "that doesn't work for us." That said, if your SIL is acting as a case manager and doing some of the hard labor, she should be able to reimburse herself through any funds your MIL has. I would discuss with your husband and have him suggest that. You want to be the ones to take the high road and not take advantage of her either. |
Anonymous
Oh I see your husband does the administrative stuff...he can be reimbursed too. Regardless, he needs to step up and set the boundary. it is not her place to tell you what to do with your time. |
Anonymous
OP here. I am not on the chart at the moment. My husband is. The husband of one SIL is on the chart. The husband of the other SIL is no longer in the picture. |
Anonymous
| I would do what YOU want to do for your MIL. You're not doing it for the SILs, so try to disregard your built-up hostility toward them. |
Anonymous
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I think that you need to separate your relationship with your SIL from your relationship with MIL. Can you go to see MIL? Does your personal schedule permit working within the parameters of this electronic calendar? Do you see MIL outside of this schedule -- and if so, how often? Will you feel guilty when she eventually passes if you don't spend this time with her now? It sounds like she's been a good MIL (which seems to be rare on this board!)
I think the SIL is being a bit much, but maybe she knows that MIL would like to see you as well. What about DH? I know it would definitely warm my heart to see him care enough about my parents to make time on a regular basis. Do you have kids? What do you want them to take from this? I'd like my daughter to see me helping MIL, even though MIL can drive me bsc. I've asked a lot of questions, but I think they are relevant and might help you make a decision, putting aside your self-absorbed SIL. |
Anonymous
It sounds like everyone but you is stepping up. Also it sounds like your husband is doing less than his sisters are each doing - they are doing at least double what he’s doing. So basically your family is not pulling its share of the work. So I can see why they are asking you to step in. Also for the reasons everyone else said, your parents situation is not the same as your in laws. Ultimately it’s your decision. |
Anonymous
| That’s a really bad analogy. |
Anonymous
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You shouldn't be evaluating your SILs in this at all. Do you want to help your MIL? Don't not help her to spite your SILs. If you don't want to help her, then just say no. But the decision should be based on your relationship with your MIL, not your SILs.
You can also say you don't want to be on the schedule but will visit her and will let them know which days when you decide. Unless that kind of short notice messes with your MILs treatment, of course. |
Anonymous
| I would gladly help and be a companion to my MIL. The rest is the past, and the present is about what I do with my time to help others. |
Anonymous
| Given the distance, what would it look like for you to take shifts? Do you have kids/child care needs? Not everyone is situated similarly. DH is pitching in on the admin, you live farther away. |
Anonymous
| I get why you don’t like your SILs, but what does that have to do with your MIL? I get that you don’t want to help - this is your right- or would you be fine helping her, but not if it is at the request of your SILs? |
Anonymous
| I don't really get why you are making your MIL's end of life needs about your disdain for your SILs. These are two separate things. |
Anonymous
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Op, "expectations" are unimportant
Even if what you say is exactly how it is --- it doesn't matter. You say no if you do not want to. You let your husband say "no" for you, also, if that is necessary. |