Sister's Big News

[Anonymous]

Shouldn’t have said was - I am very close with the couple still.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I'm sorry OP. I'm the poster who said my husband had an affair when our kids were similar ages and gave some book recommendations. So she found out from someone else that he'd had an affair with a mutual friend? It does make sense that his brazen decision to have a COVID-risky affair wouldn't be his first rodeo, I suppose.

I'm filled with rage for your sister too! And I felt it on my own DDay too. You want to be with this other person? THEN GO BE WITH HER! GTFO because I don't need you. The rage can serve a purpose because the thing about cheating is that the cheater gives themselves two options and puts the BW in a stupid love triangle where she's in competition with a third party. Screw that. You want another woman as an option? You got her! I'm out. That rage flipped the script on my DH because it was no longer about him getting to pick between two hopeful women. It was about his wife saying, congratulations, you get the OW as a consolation prize! Hope you're 100% confident that relationship is going to work out, lol.

(My DH looked chastened and sputtered out, "I mean, I don't even know her that well . . ." And then he told me I was the smartest and funniest person he knew, and I knew that meant, "OW isn't even that smart or funny." Apparently she beat me on "sweetness." But again, WTF how did I wind up on a dating game where I'm hoping to be chosen, no, I refuse to play this game!)

Of course, I don't know if your sister is at rage, or just shock. It's really normal for her to be trying/wanting to save the marriage at this point. I would just encourage her to start detaching from DH and the outcome. Reconciliation is hard enough without a WS that you had to cajole into staying. Let her show him that she has choices too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I'm sorry OP. I'm the poster who said my husband had an affair when our kids were similar ages and gave some book recommendations. So she found out from someone else that he'd had an affair with a mutual friend? It does make sense that his brazen decision to have a COVID-risky affair wouldn't be his first rodeo, I suppose.

I'm filled with rage for your sister too! And I felt it on my own DDay too. You want to be with this other person? THEN GO BE WITH HER! GTFO because I don't need you. The rage can serve a purpose because the thing about cheating is that the cheater gives themselves two options and puts the BW in a stupid love triangle where she's in competition with a third party. Screw that. You want another woman as an option? You got her! I'm out. That rage flipped the script on my DH because it was no longer about him getting to pick between two hopeful women. It was about his wife saying, congratulations, you get the OW as a consolation prize! Hope you're 100% confident that relationship is going to work out, lol.

(My DH looked chastened and sputtered out, "I mean, I don't even know her that well . . ." And then he told me I was the smartest and funniest person he knew, and I knew that meant, "OW isn't even that smart or funny." Apparently she beat me on "sweetness." But again, WTF how did I wind up on a dating game where I'm hoping to be chosen, no, I refuse to play this game!)

Of course, I don't know if your sister is at rage, or just shock. It's really normal for her to be trying/wanting to save the marriage at this point. I would just encourage her to start detaching from DH and the outcome. Reconciliation is hard enough without a WS that you had to cajole into staying. Let her show him that she has choices too.

Yeah, she's definitely at rage/numb. This is her attitude too. She's not doing to fight for him to want her, it's just so sad that there are kids involved not to mention the hurt and betrayal. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Let her know you will give advice only if she wants it and that you fully realize it’s from your perspective.

She may not want advice or she may but end up not taking it. Let her know that’s ok.

It’s hard to know what’s right.

Without more info it’s hard to condone staying or leaving. Either might be the best decision for her and the decision to stay or separate doesn’t have to be long term. She may need time.

I know that many moms can’t just pick up and go and they need a sympathetic ear and support. Let her grieve the loss of the marriage she (thought she) had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you're getting such knee-jerk "divorce now" posts, OP. While that may be the eventual end here, people angrily posting she should divorce ASAP are not in her shoes, and this is all very raw and new for her. It's not helpful when folks just bleat "divorce" at every OP who comes here.

Also sorry about posters ragging on you for "making this about you" etc. You're giving us your perspective and that's fine! YOU need to get this out and vent somewhere too. Of course you're affected. Better to tell that to us strangers than to your poor sister right now.

Very short-term, focus on what you can do specifically to give her breathing space and time when she is not having to watch her kids. Offer to take them not just for overnights but also for outings or daytime visits or whatever. Tell her you know she needs some time to think and having kids around is not conducive to that, and you will gladly distract the kids.

It is hard to get therapists right now, as you note, but she needs an indvidual one for herself and they need a couples therapist who has a track record working with infidelity situations. If she is OK with it -- she might not be, and that's all right -- offer to do some online research and make some calls to see if you can help her land a therapist(s). Did she try their insurance company's list of therapists? Are they open to virtual therapy over Zoom if that's what they can get? Try the Women's Center (two in the area) and see if they have suggestions re: finding therapy these days (they can also help find things like sliding scale fee therapists etc., if money is an issue). Or put out a post here on DCUM asking for people to name any good couples therapists they used in an affair situation. (I would not do this on this thread but would start a new one JUST asking for names; be sure to give a location like MD suburbs or only in the District etc.).

If she's really thrown by this, you might offer to help with any day to day stuff like picking up her kid from preschool if that's a thing, or bringing over dinner (sneak in enough for two meals for them all) and say it's 'just because") etc. You do not want her feel you think she's helpless! But if you can make some things easier without intruding, think what those things might be.

Most of all ASK her clearly how you can help. Say you do not want to interfere but if she needs concrete help with kids or tasks, to free up her time for finding therapy, going to therapy, spending time with DH working on this, etc. you will help. You sound like a great sister. I'm sorry she's going through this. I do think there will be more bombshells potentially coming, OP, so be ready for that; it seems unlikely that an affair would only start with the start of the pandemic, so there may be more revelations.

And absolutely tell her she needs an STD test NOW. And she should insist that he get one too. Frankly in her shoes I'd make the appointment for him and demand to see the results on paper afterward, and would not trust to "I went to the doctor and I'm fine." People are sayng she needs testing which is true, but he must get it too.

Op here. Thank you for this sensitive and thoughtful post! Lots of good ideas. I don't know if I'm brave enough to broach the STD topic. They are definitely researching lots of therapists for marriage counseling and individual.

I"m the PP to whom you're responding. OP, I know it feels awful, but please bring up STD testing. Some STDs have no symptoms until they start getting farther along, and people who don't test "because I feel fine" can be missing out on starting treatment early.

And he must get tested too. If his affair partner is married he might be one of these men who thinks "a married woman is safer, she's not likely to have STDs" but that's crap. If he resists based on that thinking he's even worse than I thought. If she wont' ask him to get tested because she's afraid it will anger him -- she can frame it to him as "Do this for your kids so they have a healthy father, because you can't know by how you feel, or what the other woman claims, that you don't have an STD."

I know, it feels invasive and like adding to her burden to bring this up with your sister but it's a harsh reality and one that will not wait for counseling or lawyering or anythng else. Viruses don't care if they're workign othe marriage or not. Just tell her flat out, "I was wary of bringing this up because I don't want to be invasive but I think it needs to be said: Please get tested immediately for STDs. I love you and do not want to see a disease added to the grief and stress this is causing you. Why not get tested and at least eliminate that possibility from the list of things to think about?"

Thanks. This is OP. Really good advice.

Op here. Just talked with my sister. As they are telling their friends, it turns out BIL messed around with one of their mutual MARRIED with children friends a year before the divorce. He also doesn't know if he wants to be with my sister or his AP. The rage I'm feeling is SOOOOO great. What an asshole!!

I have been your sister in this situation. She doesn’t need to jump to getting divorced but if he has any kind of decency he should offer to get out of her face for a while and she’s well within her rights to ask for it. Divorce lawyers will say he shouldn’t do this but if that is his mentality it tells her something anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, it’s up to your sister on what she does next. If she plans to stay with him, why would she tell you about the affair? To me, it invites judgement from others.

So what if others judge? Are their marriages perfect. This fear of judgement can be very dangerous. I have a friend who hid abuse for years because she was afraid of judgement.

OP's sister needs support, and she probably needs it more than she fears judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, it’s up to your sister on what she does next. If she plans to stay with him, why would she tell you about the affair? To me, it invites judgement from others.

So what if others judge? Are their marriages perfect. This fear of judgement can be very dangerous. I have a friend who hid abuse for years because she was afraid of judgement.

OP's sister needs support, and she probably needs it more than she fears judgement.

I agree. I'm the poster who told my sister when my DH had an affair when our kids were 3 and 5.

I wish it were more socially acceptable to talk about infidelity because people suffer in silence when they don't need to. I was very in careful in whom I told . . . I told maybe 5 people, and most of them were good friends who lived far away and weren't part of our current circle, so it wasn't like it would impact our social life or spread. BUT the most important thing was that I needed support. I felt bad that I was telling people something that DH was really ashamed of, but it was a "well too bad so sad, because you could have just not done it" situation. If one of us has to bear the consequences, it should be him, not me.

I've never been afraid of my friends judging me for anything. I have lovely friends who trust my judgment, and vice versa. I did ask my sister and one friend if they thought I was missing anything nefarious about my husband that would mean we couldn't reconcile, just in case I had a blind spot. But I never worried that anyone would think ill of us me for staying. They know and love my DH just like I do, so while they were hurt and disappointed, they were also able to put the affair in the context of his whole life.

Anyone who judges without understanding doesn't have an opinion I care about anyway.

On my DH's side, he told two friends (and a third knew because I told the wife). One of them had been a BH and gotten divorced. He actually told us he was so glad we were reconciling and he really regretted not trying to reconcile with his WW. So you just never know what people think anyway.

[Anonymous]

Op here. So I took a walk with my sister today. She said all week BIL was not sure if wanted to go with his AP or be with my sister. He had a fantasy that they could coparent beautifully and he could have an easy relationship with AP. As he (and his friends) have helped realize this week, he's realizing how much he F*ed up. Now he is VERY remorseful, talked about childhood trauma/lack of attachment/attention to parents, etc. They are going to couples counseling. He says he is very committed to making it work. We'll see how it goes. Sister finally told my mom today. She was surprisingly accepting/not mad at BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So I took a walk with my sister today. She said all week BIL was not sure if wanted to go with his AP or be with my sister. He had a fantasy that they could coparent beautifully and he could have an easy relationship with AP. As he (and his friends) have helped realize this week, he's realizing how much he F*ed up. Now he is VERY remorseful, talked about childhood trauma/lack of attachment/attention to parents, etc. They are going to couples counseling. He says he is very committed to making it work. We'll see how it goes. Sister finally told my mom today. She was surprisingly accepting/not mad at BIL.

If your sister stays with this schlub she is a doormat. I honestly think she should at least kick him out for a good amount of time to see how they both feel about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So I took a walk with my sister today. She said all week BIL was not sure if wanted to go with his AP or be with my sister. He had a fantasy that they could coparent beautifully and he could have an easy relationship with AP. As he (and his friends) have helped realize this week, he's realizing how much he F*ed up. Now he is VERY remorseful, talked about childhood trauma/lack of attachment/attention to parents, etc. They are going to couples counseling. He says he is very committed to making it work. We'll see how it goes. Sister finally told my mom today. She was surprisingly accepting/not mad at BIL.

I would refuse couples counseling. Period.

He should be in individual therapy. And she can get her own individual therapist as well it if it will help her.

Couples counseling should be way down the road if by then it seems worth moving forward.

There are some awful couples counselors out there that can make things worse. I think while the emotions are high and things are all over the place, it's not time to sit in couples therapy. Many therapists now back this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So I took a walk with my sister today. She said all week BIL was not sure if wanted to go with his AP or be with my sister. He had a fantasy that they could coparent beautifully and he could have an easy relationship with AP. As he (and his friends) have helped realize this week, he's realizing how much he F*ed up. Now he is VERY remorseful, talked about childhood trauma/lack of attachment/attention to parents, etc. They are going to couples counseling. He says he is very committed to making it work. We'll see how it goes. Sister finally told my mom today. She was surprisingly accepting/not mad at BIL.

I would refuse couples counseling. Period.

He should be in individual therapy. And she can get her own individual therapist as well it if it will help her.

Couples counseling should be way down the road if by then it seems worth moving forward.

There are some awful couples counselors out there that can make things worse. I think while the emotions are high and things are all over the place, it's not time to sit in couples therapy. Many therapists now back this.

I totally agree with this. /Your sister needs to figure out what SHE wants, not jump into repairing whatever this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So I took a walk with my sister today. She said all week BIL was not sure if wanted to go with his AP or be with my sister. He had a fantasy that they could coparent beautifully and he could have an easy relationship with AP. As he (and his friends) have helped realize this week, he's realizing how much he F*ed up. Now he is VERY remorseful, talked about childhood trauma/lack of attachment/attention to parents, etc. They are going to couples counseling. He says he is very committed to making it work. We'll see how it goes. Sister finally told my mom today. She was surprisingly accepting/not mad at BIL.

If your sister stays with this schlub she is a doormat. I honestly think she should at least kick him out for a good amount of time to see how they both feel about it.

+1

Everyone's weighing in on whether she should take him back... Uh, when he came clean, HE was dumping HER to go be with the AP. Now I guess he's backpedaling, but there's way too much disrespect here to ever forgive.

[Anonymous]

Op here. So I took a walk with my sister today. She said all week BIL was not sure if wanted to go with his AP or be with my sister. He had a fantasy that they could coparent beautifully and he could have an easy relationship with AP. As he (and his friends) have helped realize this week, he's realizing how much he F*ed up. Now he is VERY remorseful, talked about childhood trauma/lack of attachment/attention to parents, etc. They are going to couples counseling. He says he is very committed to making it work. We'll see how it goes. Sister finally told my mom today. She was surprisingly accepting/not mad at BIL.

Lol men are delusional idiots sometimes

OP hope sis is doing OK

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So I took a walk with my sister today. She said all week BIL was not sure if wanted to go with his AP or be with my sister. He had a fantasy that they could coparent beautifully and he could have an easy relationship with AP. As he (and his friends) have helped realize this week, he's realizing how much he F*ed up. Now he is VERY remorseful, talked about childhood trauma/lack of attachment/attention to parents, etc. They are going to couples counseling. He says he is very committed to making it work. We'll see how it goes. Sister finally told my mom today. She was surprisingly accepting/not mad at BIL.

If your sister stays with this schlub she is a doormat. I honestly think she should at least kick him out for a good amount of time to see how they both feel about it.

+1

Everyone's weighing in on whether she should take him back... Uh, when he came clean, HE was dumping HER to go be with the AP. Now I guess he's backpedaling, but there's way too much disrespect here to ever forgive.

Op here...yep, this is what I think too. Unfortunately, because he's actually saying he wants to fix things/do whatever it takes and is talking about childhood trauma, I think sister is going to go the couple's counseling/individual counseling route and try to fix this.