Sister's Big News

[Anonymous]

My sister just revealed her husband of 9 nine years has been having an affair with a co-worker for TWO YEARS! They started this in April 2020, which feels like the most shocking part. She and her family (like us all) were SOOO covid conscious and were so isolated for so long. I am so shocked, saddened, and hurt for my sister and her two small kids (3 and 6). My sister is at a loss of what to do and I'm not sure the best way to support her.

[Anonymous]

How awful.

Be a listening ear for her, let her vent and cry to you.

[Anonymous]

Get her a therapist immediately. Help her with the kids -- watch them when she goes to therapy or needs some time to think. Be there for her and just listen. Help her find a good divorce attorney when she's ready.

I am so sorry- that's really, really hard. What a terrible betrayal on so many levels. I hope she divorces him and moves on and finds happiness.

[Anonymous]

Her family could have been isolating if her husband was out having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her a therapist immediately. Help her with the kids -- watch them when she goes to therapy or needs some time to think. Be there for her and just listen. Help her find a good divorce attorney when she's ready.

I am so sorry- that's really, really hard. What a terrible betrayal on so many levels. I hope she divorces him and moves on and finds happiness.

It's okay if she doesn't divorce him. Infidelity is wrong, yes, but it's so extremely common that people who jump straight to throwing away a family with young children are nuts. There is A LOT to unpack in this affair. Was it sex only? Is he remorseful? Why did he cheat? Did he end it? Is he proactive in trying to heal and help his wife heal? OP, your sister has a long road ahead of her, but do not push her into divorce. You do not know her relationship. She does need therapy. Often the biggest pain comes from her seeing that the last two years of her life were a lie, not necessarily that her DH slept with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her a therapist immediately. Help her with the kids -- watch them when she goes to therapy or needs some time to think. Be there for her and just listen. Help her find a good divorce attorney when she's ready.

I am so sorry- that's really, really hard. What a terrible betrayal on so many levels. I hope she divorces him and moves on and finds happiness.

It's okay if she doesn't divorce him. Infidelity is wrong, yes, but it's so extremely common that people who jump straight to throwing away a family with young children are nuts. There is A LOT to unpack in this affair. Was it sex only? Is he remorseful? Why did he cheat? Did he end it? Is he proactive in trying to heal and help his wife heal? OP, your sister has a long road ahead of her, but do not push her into divorce. You do not know her relationship. She does need therapy. Often the biggest pain comes from her seeing that the last two years of her life were a lie, not necessarily that her DH slept with someone else.

TWO YEARS DURING COVID?!?!?! This is not your garden variety affair!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her a therapist immediately. Help her with the kids -- watch them when she goes to therapy or needs some time to think. Be there for her and just listen. Help her find a good divorce attorney when she's ready.

I am so sorry- that's really, really hard. What a terrible betrayal on so many levels. I hope she divorces him and moves on and finds happiness.

It's okay if she doesn't divorce him. Infidelity is wrong, yes, but it's so extremely common that people who jump straight to throwing away a family with young children are nuts. There is A LOT to unpack in this affair. Was it sex only? Is he remorseful? Why did he cheat? Did he end it? Is he proactive in trying to heal and help his wife heal? OP, your sister has a long road ahead of her, but do not push her into divorce. You do not know her relationship. She does need therapy. Often the biggest pain comes from her seeing that the last two years of her life were a lie, not necessarily that her DH slept with someone else.

TWO YEARS DURING COVID?!?!?! This is not your garden variety affair!!!

In April 2020, we didn't know enough about Covid's effects on people. Everyone was on serious lockdown. At the time, for all he knew, DH could have killed his wife bringing Covid into the house... He was putting his entire family's health at risk for AN AFFAIR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her family could have been isolating if her husband was out having an affair.

Right, but OP's sister presumably didn't know at the time, and thought she was isolating in good faith... which is the worst.

OP, please encourage your sister to get an STD test.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks all. Yeah, she is going to do couples counseling, individual therapy...the problem is everywhere is booked! Super hard to get in with all the demand. She told me tonight she got a book "Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding your Marriage after an Affair". They are both going to do the tasks from the book. It's so shocking and disgusting on so many levels. We're both products of divorce and don't want her (or my) kids to go through that, the covid aspect, the TWO YEARS of lying (we've gone on vacation with them MANY times!), and of course the actual act of sleeping with someone else for that long. A lot to process for both of us. Her kids are still so little, and the thought of raising them solo seems very daunting for her and she's still very much in love with her DH. It will be a long, shitty road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks all. Yeah, she is going to do couples counseling, individual therapy...the problem is everywhere is booked! Super hard to get in with all the demand. She told me tonight she got a book "Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding your Marriage after an Affair". They are both going to do the tasks from the book. It's so shocking and disgusting on so many levels. We're both products of divorce and don't want her (or my) kids to go through that, the covid aspect, the TWO YEARS of lying (we've gone on vacation with them MANY times!), and of course the actual act of sleeping with someone else for that long. A lot to process for both of us. Her kids are still so little, and the thought of raising them solo seems very daunting for her and she's still very much in love with her DH. It will be a long, shitty road.

It can be done. There are all kinds of betrayals and shitty things that can happen in a marriage, not just infidelity. And people have survived it. The people who divorce because of these things aren't necessarily happier afterward, it depends on their luck - do they find someone more congenial, do they learn from past mistakes, etc?

So, give her time to process it. Do not press her into anything.

[Anonymous]

Did he tell your sister or did he get busted?

To me that would make the difference on whether it is worth repairing.

Mine? Busted. But then promised me he wouldn’t go back to her. When i busted him on the rerun…. I was done.

[Anonymous]

Op here. So, his AP is also married and she came clean about a month ago. This weekend, they were watching some show maybe "The Ultimatum" and sister said something like if you had a one time affair that's one thing, but if it was a long term thing that would be it. And he got awkward and told her. He was remorseful, crying, saying it started off just physical but then there was more emotions involved...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So, his AP is also married and she came clean about a month ago. This weekend, they were watching some show maybe "The Ultimatum" and sister said something like if you had a one time affair that's one thing, but if it was a long term thing that would be it. And he got awkward and told her. He was remorseful, crying, saying it started off just physical but then there was more emotions involved...

Your poor sister. Heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks all. Yeah, she is going to do couples counseling, individual therapy...the problem is everywhere is booked! Super hard to get in with all the demand. She told me tonight she got a book "Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding your Marriage after an Affair". They are both going to do the tasks from the book. It's so shocking and disgusting on so many levels. We're both products of divorce and don't want her (or my) kids to go through that, the covid aspect, the TWO YEARS of lying (we've gone on vacation with them MANY times!), and of course the actual act of sleeping with someone else for that long. A lot to process for both of us. Her kids are still so little, and the thought of raising them solo seems very daunting for her and she's still very much in love with her DH. It will be a long, shitty road.

This isn't about you, or your kids. It's about her and her family. Please don't push her to do anything or feel a certain way because YOU feel betrayed. Support her no matter how she decides to proceed. Be there for her in whatever she is feeling. This is her story, not yours. Let her lead.

[Anonymous]

If he told her 2 years, it may actually be 4 years.