Sister's Big News

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks all. Yeah, she is going to do couples counseling, individual therapy...the problem is everywhere is booked! Super hard to get in with all the demand. She told me tonight she got a book "Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding your Marriage after an Affair". They are both going to do the tasks from the book. It's so shocking and disgusting on so many levels. We're both products of divorce and don't want her (or my) kids to go through that, the covid aspect, the TWO YEARS of lying (we've gone on vacation with them MANY times!), and of course the actual act of sleeping with someone else for that long. A lot to process for both of us. Her kids are still so little, and the thought of raising them solo seems very daunting for her and she's still very much in love with her DH. It will be a long, shitty road.

This isn't about you, or your kids. It's about her and her family. Please don't push her to do anything or feel a certain way because YOU feel betrayed. Support her no matter how she decides to proceed. Be there for her in whatever she is feeling. This is her story, not yours. Let her lead.

Op here. I mean...yes, obviously. I'm not sharing all of this with her. I'm letting her guide and listening to her, but since I'm the one posting I wanted to post from my perspective because it does effect me as well. We are very close and someone hurting your best friend/sister will hurt you to. Plus processing the BIL you thought you knew is capable of this is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her a therapist immediately. Help her with the kids -- watch them when she goes to therapy or needs some time to think. Be there for her and just listen. Help her find a good divorce attorney when she's ready.

I am so sorry- that's really, really hard. What a terrible betrayal on so many levels. I hope she divorces him and moves on and finds happiness.

It's okay if she doesn't divorce him. Infidelity is wrong, yes, but it's so extremely common that people who jump straight to throwing away a family with young children are nuts. There is A LOT to unpack in this affair. Was it sex only? Is he remorseful? Why did he cheat? Did he end it? Is he proactive in trying to heal and help his wife heal? OP, your sister has a long road ahead of her, but do not push her into divorce. You do not know her relationship. She does need therapy. Often the biggest pain comes from her seeing that the last two years of her life were a lie, not necessarily that her DH slept with someone else.

TWO YEARS DURING COVID?!?!?! This is not your garden variety affair!!!

In April 2020, we didn't know enough about Covid's effects on people. Everyone was on serious lockdown. At the time, for all he knew, DH could have killed his wife bringing Covid into the house... He was putting his entire family's health at risk for AN AFFAIR.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So, his AP is also married and she came clean about a month ago. This weekend, they were watching some show maybe "The Ultimatum" and sister said something like if you had a one time affair that's one thing, but if it was a long term thing that would be it. And he got awkward and told her. He was remorseful, crying, saying it started off just physical but then there was more emotions involved...

You mean, the AP broke it off and a month later, your BIL confessed to your sister? Because he was feeling lonely and your sister was the remaining woman in his life?

That puts him in a worse light than if he'd broken with his AP himself, or if he'd confessed to your sister before the affair had officially ended.

Sigh. He sure sounds weak, that man. I bet he couldn't handle Covid isolation and that spurred him in the affair department. I'm concerned he's the type that will always follow the path of least resistance when the going gets tough, regardless of how immoral it is. Your sister should take the time to consider all this.

[Anonymous]

Ask your sister to read Chump Lady. She also needs to get tested for STDs.

[Anonymous]

Obviously, it’s up to your sister on what she does next. If she plans to stay with him, why would she tell you about the affair? To me, it invites judgement from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, it’s up to your sister on what she does next. If she plans to stay with him, why would she tell you about the affair? To me, it invites judgement from others.

OR…she’s really overwhelmed and needs some support from her sister. That seems like a logical thing in a crazy situation, yes???

[Anonymous]

I understand she needs support, but if she goes back to him, can the OP accept that? Most family members would have a hard time with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, it’s up to your sister on what she does next. If she plans to stay with him, why would she tell you about the affair? To me, it invites judgement from others.

OP's sister shared about the affair because she's navigating something new in her life and needs support.

[Anonymous]

Two years? Was he in love with the other woman? Why is she even trying to stay with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So, his AP is also married and she came clean about a month ago. This weekend, they were watching some show maybe "The Ultimatum" and sister said something like if you had a one time affair that's one thing, but if it was a long term thing that would be it. And he got awkward and told her. He was remorseful, crying, saying it started off just physical but then there was more emotions involved...

So he’s grieving the loss of AP and cried to his wife about it? No, she needs to think clearly and kick this loser to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just revealed her husband of 9 nine years has been having an affair with a co-worker for TWO YEARS! They started this in April 2020, which feels like the most shocking part. She and her family (like us all) were SOOO covid conscious and were so isolated for so long. I am so shocked, saddened, and hurt for my sister and her two small kids (3 and 6). My sister is at a loss of what to do and I'm not sure the best way to support her.

Get to an atty ASAP. Be there to listen. Offer to help.

[Anonymous]

What a piece of sh#t. So sorry for your sis OP.

[Anonymous]

This is awful. What are the logistics of having an affair starting in April 2020? Like how was that even possible? I'm assuming they were considered essential to even be out and about enough to do this?

Sorry if this is nosey...

[Anonymous]

Guess he wasn't working from home.

That's really awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks all. Yeah, she is going to do couples counseling, individual therapy...the problem is everywhere is booked! Super hard to get in with all the demand. She told me tonight she got a book "Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding your Marriage after an Affair". They are both going to do the tasks from the book. It's so shocking and disgusting on so many levels. We're both products of divorce and don't want her (or my) kids to go through that, the covid aspect, the TWO YEARS of lying (we've gone on vacation with them MANY times!), and of course the actual act of sleeping with someone else for that long. A lot to process for both of us. Her kids are still so little, and the thought of raising them solo seems very daunting for her and she's still very much in love with her DH. It will be a long, shitty road.

I hope she does get an individual therapist, preferably before a couples therapist. I understand the bolded, but I also think having a save the marriage at all costs mindset could be damaging. Her husband started an affair during COVID, while we were all locked down, stuck home with kids 24/7, online school, the whole thing. Her husband sucks and sounds like someone who can't handle the tough stuff. She should really be clear on what she is getting out of this marriage.