How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild

[Anonymous]

My 2.5 year old sounds somewhat similar and she was just diagnosed ASD. BTW, going into her eval She passed all the screeners fine (both ASQ-SE and M-CHAT) so she wasn’t flagged at the pediatrician—and I answered very honestly because I always had concerns. My main concern has always been her lack of eye contact, and as she gets older she follows directions great, but has trouble communicating other than getting help with wants and needs. She also has trouble understanding pronouns and rarely uses them. It’s the pragmatics of conversation she struggles with. She does engage in parallel play and will play with others, but it’s subtly different. She is shy on top of being autistic so she’s very quiet in new situations. She has some not super obvious ritualistic behaviors but is not overly inflexible or has sensory issues.

That’s one thing you don’t mention with GD. Does she have sensory seeking behaviors? Does she stim? Anything ritualistic that if interrupted she’d be upset? Is she inflexible if something throws her schedule out of whack?

One of the reasons we got Our DD evaluated in the end was I always had these niggling worries (DH, btw did not. My mom who worked in special Ed also thought she was fine). One of her teachers in preschool also shared concerns (though co teacher did not). Pediatrician said she didn’t see it, though encouraged us to proceed with an EI and an eval at Children’s. EI didn’t see it because she was meeting developmental milestones. Children’s multilayer eval made it more obvious.

Honestly, though, it hasn’t really changed much. She doesn’t have any serious behavior issues (knock wood) and for that reason we were told not to do ABA and to do floortime based speech and general therapy and take a lot of parent training courses. She will be able to stay at her current preK.

Sounds similar to your GD unless there are behavior issues that are a harm to her, others, property or eloping issues you didn’t share. If I were you I’d probably just remain quiet and keep an open ear this year if DD mentions anything about how GD is doing in school. If you hang out with GD a lot, look into Hanen’s more than words book. It has great tips with how to engage a child who has ASD or any social communication issue. Also we are doing this free course helpisinyourhands.org/course that gives us lots of pointers with how to improve social communication and eye contact by playing with DD with DD taking the lead. As a grandmother, you can incorporate these tricks into your play with her, making a great connection with her regardless if she has autism or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter. The services don't do that much. Just be a loving presence to your granddaughter and a support to your daughter. If she has autism, it will become unignorable in time.

If you get the right services with the right providers you can have a kid that clearly has severe autism at 2 and you wouldn’t even know that was ever a diagnosis 10 years later. Early intervention matters, lots of it, done right.

This is so untrue and hurtful to us parents who are literally sacrificing every aspect of our lives to provide every imaginable therapy. This implies if we did something else or differently it would be corrected. Comments like this sting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?

Can you explain why you think your daughter and SIL are in complete denial about your granddaughter’s lack of social interaction?

We will go to the playground and my granddaughter will sit in the sandbox playing by herself. When we leave my daughter will say, “She loves playing with the other kids in the sandbox, which is why I’m not getting a sandbox for our house.” When she has play dates with local cousins around her age, she’ll sit on the floor and play by herself, not engaging when they engage her - and not engaging them. At the end of the play date my daughter will say, “They played really well together.”

What you just described would not worry me AT ALL. Many 3 year olds don’t play with other kids yet. My son just turned 3 and will only play with other kids in physical games (running, chasing, dancing, etc.). Even with his older sisters he only plays these kind of games. He plays with his trucks and dinosaurs on his own. Perhaps he is close to other kids, but he does not engage with them. Go to a playground with a sand box without the cousins. Most other 2-3 year old will play on their own or with their parents.

My older girls were more social and had friends they would pretend play with at 3, but other kids do not and they are not autistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—trust that her teachers will pick up on this. She will get the help and services she needs, if it is the case that she has autism.

Not always the case, teachers have to walk a fine line and can’t really tell the parents their kid might have autism. Grandma would be better equipped for this.

+1

This is correct. We cannot make a diagnosis or even hint to the parents if we believe there is a problem. if the parents approach us with concerns we can make factual observations and suggest they speak to a pediatrician with their concerns. If we believe the parents will be defensive and angry that we do not say anything it is a fine line and dance. Many times parents are in denial and have negative and angry reactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?

Can you explain why you think your daughter and SIL are in complete denial about your granddaughter’s lack of social interaction?

We will go to the playground and my granddaughter will sit in the sandbox playing by herself. When we leave my daughter will say, “She loves playing with the other kids in the sandbox, which is why I’m not getting a sandbox for our house.” When she has play dates with local cousins around her age, she’ll sit on the floor and play by herself, not engaging when they engage her - and not engaging them. At the end of the play date my daughter will say, “They played really well together.”

What you just described would not worry me AT ALL. Many 3 year olds don’t play with other kids yet. My son just turned 3 and will only play with other kids in physical games (running, chasing, dancing, etc.). Even with his older sisters he only plays these kind of games. He plays with his trucks and dinosaurs on his own. Perhaps he is close to other kids, but he does not engage with them. Go to a playground with a sand box without the cousins. Most other 2-3 year old will play on their own or with their parents.

My older girls were more social and had friends they would pretend play with at 3, but other kids do not and they are not autistic.

I don't think that's the point. Op was trying to explain why she thinks the daughter might not be accurately answering her doctor's questions---wht the doctor might not be flagging any potential concerns.

What OP's daughter says in this example and what is actually happening are radically different. Maybe the daughter is calling 'not fighting' playing well like another poster suggested. The daughter's communication as is, however, would lead outsiders to have a very different picture of the situation had OP not seen it for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?

Can you explain why you think your daughter and SIL are in complete denial about your granddaughter’s lack of social interaction?

We will go to the playground and my granddaughter will sit in the sandbox playing by herself. When we leave my daughter will say, “She loves playing with the other kids in the sandbox, which is why I’m not getting a sandbox for our house.” When she has play dates with local cousins around her age, she’ll sit on the floor and play by herself, not engaging when they engage her - and not engaging them. At the end of the play date my daughter will say, “They played really well together.”

What you just described would not worry me AT ALL. Many 3 year olds don’t play with other kids yet. My son just turned 3 and will only play with other kids in physical games (running, chasing, dancing, etc.). Even with his older sisters he only plays these kind of games. He plays with his trucks and dinosaurs on his own. Perhaps he is close to other kids, but he does not engage with them. Go to a playground with a sand box without the cousins. Most other 2-3 year old will play on their own or with their parents.

My older girls were more social and had friends they would pretend play with at 3, but other kids do not and they are not autistic.

I don't think that's the point. Op was trying to explain why she thinks the daughter might not be accurately answering her doctor's questions---wht the doctor might not be flagging any potential concerns.

What OP's daughter says in this example and what is actually happening are radically different. Maybe the daughter is calling 'not fighting' playing well like another poster suggested. The daughter's communication as is, however, would lead outsiders to have a very different picture of the situation had OP not seen it for herself.

Disagree. Her example shows her daughter has a better grasp on normal childhood development than OP does. This is a situation which OP is interpreting as abnormal and daughter is correctly saying daughter is playing well.

[Anonymous]

How do we know you are not a hypochondriac and addicted to inventing issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she has autism?

She's not connected - won't make eye contact, won't look up - let alone get up - when new people enter, won't speak directly to anyone (even her parents) unless her parents ask her to say something and even then she usually won't say anything, does not try to make friends with and/or play with other children or adults, gets very angry if she's asked to share, and isn't able to follow basic directions. I worried about her for a while, but in the past 6 months as she's gotten older the lack of relatedness has become more obvious to me.

She is three right? Sounds to me she is a three year old, who doesn't have impeccable manners... cause she is 3.
She does not even sound like she has selective mutism. I mean she talks to people right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs don't know what they're talking about, lucky them.

Please DO say something. They might hate you for while, but they won't ignore what you said.

Early intervention is key. BTDT.

Me again. Let me be a little more specific.

Don't say autism. Be factual, not emotional. And suggest an evaluation, not a diagnosis.

I say this because even though autism may be what your mind goes to, it could be inattentive ADHD (lots of overlapping symptoms), or MERLD (Mixed Expressive-Receptive Language Disorder), where it's not entirely clear what's up, but there's a communication issue. Sometimes MERLD leads to an autism diagnosis later.
There could be learning disabilities, such as slow processing speed, dyscalculia, dyslexia, down the road.
Or there could be a physical issue with vision or hearing, musculature, or coordination in space.

The label soup of special needs is complex, so you want to tread carefully.

I've been on DCUM for a decade now, I have a child with a long string of labels, and I'm also a research scientist who has worked on ADHD. Every time someone suggests talking to a parent about their child's potential special needs, the majority of posters are up in arms about it, even though early intervention is absolutely critical in most cases. Their emotions fly directly into the face of reason and science. It says a lot about how special needs are still perceived as shameful and something to hide, which is counter-productive to individual treatment and societal tolerance.

+1. The projection on this thread is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she has autism?

She's not connected - won't make eye contact, won't look up - let alone get up - when new people enter, won't speak directly to anyone (even her parents) unless her parents ask her to say something and even then she usually won't say anything, does not try to make friends with and/or play with other children or adults, gets very angry if she's asked to share, and isn't able to follow basic directions. I worried about her for a while, but in the past 6 months as she's gotten older the lack of relatedness has become more obvious to me.

She is three right? Sounds to me she is a three year old, who doesn't have impeccable manners... cause she is 3.
She does not even sound like she has selective mutism. I mean she talks to people right?

I'm not saying the child has selective mutism, but this description is not it.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid with special needs and I intentionally kept the grandparents out of the loop. They have one job: to love the kids, give them affection, spoil them, etc. At the time I was figuring things out it was all I thought about so I actually never got the chance to talk about my kid as just a kid. What's more, it was all I thought about and I had more questions than answers. I did not want to talk about it with grandparents. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid with special needs and I intentionally kept the grandparents out of the loop. They have one job: to love the kids, give them affection, spoil them, etc. At the time I was figuring things out it was all I thought about so I actually never got the chance to talk about my kid as just a kid. What's more, it was all I thought about and I had more questions than answers. I did not want to talk about it with grandparents. MYOB.

+1 this is my approach as well.

I'm sure it depends on the grandparent and that some grandparents are a great source of support through the process. But neither my parents or my MIL fall into this category. They view special needs straight up as a defect, like "what is wrong with my grandchild." They are also, as a group, pretty light on empathy. They will view my child's SNs as their tragedy, they do not know how to not make themselves the center of something like this.

So when I shut down or dismiss comments from my mom like what OP is describing, it's not because I'm not aware of the issues, in denial, or not pursuing the proper medical, behavioral, or school supports. It's because I'm trying to refocus my mom's attention on her actual relationship with her grandchild. I'm saying "ok, yes, that's true she does that, but let's accept her for who she is and love her anyway." My parents and MIL don't really know how to love like that, through acceptance and empathy. They want to "fix" her. But I don't want her to have a bunch of adults in her life always trying to fix her -- I wouldn't want that even if she didn't have SNs. So yes, when I'm with the grandparents, I'm always pointing out what is going well with DD and downplaying or changing the subject from the issues they raise, because I want them to look past that stuff to the person underneath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter. The services don't do that much. Just be a loving presence to your granddaughter and a support to your daughter. If she has autism, it will become unignorable in time.

If you get the right services with the right providers you can have a kid that clearly has severe autism at 2 and you wouldn’t even know that was ever a diagnosis 10 years later. Early intervention matters, lots of it, done right.

This is absolute bull sh*t. Absolute! This kid you are describing did not have autism.

Op you are out of line completely. Your granddaughter has capable parents and you are overstepping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs don't know what they're talking about, lucky them.

Please DO say something. They might hate you for while, but they won't ignore what you said.

Early intervention is key. BTDT.

Please enlighten us as to what that early intervention is. This is a load of crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter. The services don't do that much. Just be a loving presence to your granddaughter and a support to your daughter. If she has autism, it will become unignorable in time.

If you get the right services with the right providers you can have a kid that clearly has severe autism at 2 and you wouldn’t even know that was ever a diagnosis 10 years later. Early intervention matters, lots of it, done right.

This is not true.

It can be true in some cases.

Sure. In cases where the 2 year old never had autism.

+100. The ignorance here is astounding. Grandma mind your business. You would be seeing my child a lot less if you would not drop this.