How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
This! I would be gutted if one of my parents pointed out my child’s SN. It’s just hard to hear. I’m not in denial but even reading the evaluations from the doctors, getting reports from school, etc.-it’s all just hard to hear. It would be so awful to also hear it from a parent. And I worry because of generational differences and things my mom has said in the past that she wouldn’t accept a child with SN and also that she would believe it was because of something I did (like having kids in my 30s instead of my 20s). Just leave it, OP. Connect with your granddaughter like a PP suggested. |
Anonymous
|
Take comfort in knowing that if your granddaughter really does have autism or a developmental delay, there’s no cure anyway. Whether it’s identified now or later won’t make much difference, so long as she’s in a stimulating and loving environment where people talk to her and engage her.
There seems to be a misperception that IF ONLY kids were identified younger, then the outcomes would be different. That’s not been my experience as a mother of a child with SN that were diagnosed at 11 months old, and we’ve done ALL the therapy. |
Anonymous
Sounds like you have good reason to be worried. Don’t be worried about how your daughter takes it or if she gets mad at you. If you approach the situation with love and explain the facts to her. Try not to say anything directly about her parenting skills speak directly to the deficits you observe in your granddaughter and how those deficits might align with autism. Don’t say she definitely has it or not, just that you noticed these things (maybe make a list) and are concerned. Find a resource online that lists early symptoms of autism as well so she can compare the deficits in her child’ to that list. If you are financially able to assist with testing then offer this to her as well. Do everything you can to show her in a loving way why you think this way, print resources, doctors, websites, anything you can find to give her more information. After that you really need to butt out and let her handle it. Maybe ask her again in a few months about it but it’s a slippery slope when it’s not your own child. I’d also print out information that stresses the importance of early intervention, especially before age 6, and how the earlier she gets some services the less difficulties she’ll likely have later in life. Many parents are in denial but you have to stress the importance of early intervention and it’s benefits before they really see how important time is right now. Go into the conversation prepared and do it with love and hopefully she’ll find the best route to take. I’ve never known anyone complain that they had too much early intervention but met many parents that wish they hadn’t waited until the kid was older to start anything. School won’t be enough if she really has autism so be prepared to research additional therapy options like ABA. Maybe you could offer to have this take place in your home to alleviate some burden from mom. Best of luck, it’s not an easy conversation but definitely a necessary one. If they aren’t open to anything look into hiring a BCBA to provide some parent/caregiver training to you to teach you ways to better interact when she’s in your care. |
Anonymous
If you get the right services with the right providers you can have a kid that clearly has severe autism at 2 and you wouldn’t even know that was ever a diagnosis 10 years later. Early intervention matters, lots of it, done right. |
Anonymous
This is not true. |
Anonymous
|
It depends on your relationship with your own daughter, OP. I’m in the reverse situation — I suspect that my daughter is on the spectrum, and my mother (who lives overseas and has never interacted with her) constantly tells me not to worry, just let the kid be, and that I’m not an expert so I should stop scrutinizing her…
If you have a good relationship with your daughter, you should tell her. But based on what your saying, the teachers will probably express concerns. |
Anonymous
She sounds like a shy three year old. |
Anonymous
|
PPs don't know what they're talking about, lucky them.
Please DO say something. They might hate you for while, but they won't ignore what you said. Early intervention is key. BTDT. |
Anonymous
| Are three year old’s supposed to share. I have a 3.5 year old and I don’t think I’d appreciate someone telling me this information as if they know my child better than I do. |
Anonymous
|
If she is, the school will pick up on it very quickly.
That said, my dad often didn't hesitate to tell me his concerns about my kids. I was defensive but also appreciative. He was right about some and wrong about others. It really depends on your relationship. My mom would not say anything unless asked. |
Anonymous
|
The first question I’d ask myself is if I was being objective. Like really interrogate yourself here: do you really have enough if the right kind of exposure to the child to assess this, or are you responding to a limited set of experiences and maybe jumping to conclusions.
For instance, how often, if at all, do you interact with this child one on one in a home setting? Or are you primarily seeing her in group settings with a lot of people, especially around holidays or other special events? Kids this age behave very differently went in their usual routine and around familiar caregivers, than in new setting around people they don’t know well. Some people think they can assess a child based on interactions where the child is predictably anxious, shy, overtired, or overstimulated. You can’t. Another thing to consider is your own biases. My mother was convinced my nephew had ASD because at this age he was anxious around her. This bothered her a lot and she chose to believe that he had autism because it spared her ego. He doesn’t, and a few years on that’s very obvious. He just wasn’t into grandma for a while. I think anytime you find yourself convinced that something is going on with a child and it runs counter to what the child’s parents think is happening, you owe them the respect of really examine your own thinking before pushing forward. In general, parents are better positioned than anyone else to assess their kids behavior, because parents see their children at their most relaxed and comfortable. There are a lot of 3 yo who might seem shy, anti-social, disconnected, etc., in public or even at school, but who are bubbly and relaxed at home. This is especially true of kids with SAHMs, and Covid likely made this more likely, as many kids in this age group got far less exposure to peer groups and other environments during the pandemic. Please respect your daughter enough as a parent to at least consider that she may understand her child better than you right now. |
Anonymous
It can be true in some cases. |
Anonymous
Sure. In cases where the 2 year old never had autism. |
Anonymous
My son was diagnosed at age 3 and we did ABA, OT and speech therapy and I cannot agree more. At this age therapy is basically trying to force a connection through play. As a grandma you can do that now! There’s nothing magical about the diagnosis. Engage with your granddaughter, play and talk to her. That’s what therapy is at this age. |
Anonymous
No. People only use “it takes a village” when they want something — i.e. free childcare from parents or other family. |