How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild

[Anonymous]

Mom to 2 NT kids and aunt to 4 kids with autism. I don’t see big red flags in what you describe. Could just be a shy 3 year old still engaged with solitary vs cooperative play which is not hugely out of “typical” developmentally appropriate behavior for this age.

FWIW - my family nominated me to say something to my brother about my almost (at the time) 3 yo non verbal nephew. In the kindest way I could find, I gently suggested they get him evaluated for a speech delay since they all seemed frustrated (they had expressed this to me in the past). Their ped had told them that my nephew was probably just a “late talker” and many boys aren’t verbal until a little later. My brother was deeply hurt and angry and didn’t talk to me for about 6 months. Nephew was finally evaluated, diagnosed and started receiving appropriate therapy.

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything - it won't go well and it may harm your grand daughter in the long term by giving her less access to you. There are no magical interventions at 3 that will change the course of her life in any way shape or form. All of this will become very very obvious over the next few years and then they will have to address it (or it will melt away and you will not have caused a problem).

[Anonymous]

This is a tough case. If you had a good relationship with your daughter and she didn't default to being defensive, I would figure out a way to (sensitively) bring your concerns. But it seems pretty clear that's not going to go well.

So - one out of the box idea - can you find out their pediatrician's name? Call them, say you are a family member of Larla Jones, and you are very concerned about her behaviors and would like to flag them, anonymously, for the doctor. Obviously, they can't say anything to you because of HIPPA, they won't even confirm that they are Larla's doctors. But they can listen and take notes. Be prepared with factual bullet points, not opinions. So, not "I'm worried she has autism. She seems off and doesn't connect well with others." But rather: "I frequently observe Larla with other children her age. She never initiates any interaction. When other children attempt to interact with her, she either ignores them, or gets angry and stomps away. This is a consistent pattern I have observed every time, and I've been there for more than 10 different gatherings. She will not make eye contact with me for more than a fleeting second, despite me being well known to her."

Once she starts school, you can do the same with her teachers.

The teachers and the doctor will NOT talk to you - don't try to engage them in any back-and-forth, don't request anything like an evaluation as you have no authority to do so. But you can talk, and they will listen, and then they will know to pay special attention to these concerns, and will be more likely to flag this. Your daughter will be much more likely to listen to them than you, and it won't harm your relationship - she'll never be the wiser.

For the record, I usually wouldn't ever support going behind someone's back. But this isn't for your daughter - it's for your granddaughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough case. If you had a good relationship with your daughter and she didn't default to being defensive, I would figure out a way to (sensitively) bring your concerns. But it seems pretty clear that's not going to go well.

So - one out of the box idea - can you find out their pediatrician's name? Call them, say you are a family member of Larla Jones, and you are very concerned about her behaviors and would like to flag them, anonymously, for the doctor. Obviously, they can't say anything to you because of HIPPA, they won't even confirm that they are Larla's doctors. But they can listen and take notes. Be prepared with factual bullet points, not opinions. So, not "I'm worried she has autism. She seems off and doesn't connect well with others." But rather: "I frequently observe Larla with other children her age. She never initiates any interaction. When other children attempt to interact with her, she either ignores them, or gets angry and stomps away. This is a consistent pattern I have observed every time, and I've been there for more than 10 different gatherings. She will not make eye contact with me for more than a fleeting second, despite me being well known to her."

Once she starts school, you can do the same with her teachers.

The teachers and the doctor will NOT talk to you - don't try to engage them in any back-and-forth, don't request anything like an evaluation as you have no authority to do so. But you can talk, and they will listen, and then they will know to pay special attention to these concerns, and will be more likely to flag this. Your daughter will be much more likely to listen to them than you, and it won't harm your relationship - she'll never be the wiser.

For the record, I usually wouldn't ever support going behind someone's back. But this isn't for your daughter - it's for your granddaughter.

Please don't do this. I would never speak to my mother again if I found out she had done this. I'm not kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SN mom here. In my experience, including with my own parents, family members like you have a very specific agenda. They want to point out the special need in order to have it mediated quickly and within a certain window. They do not want to face the notion of a lifelong disability and cannot, in fact, handle that idea. Have you thought about the idea that autism is lifelong? That therapy may assist your GC but is not a cure? My parents wanted my daughter whisked promptly to multiple therapies but became frustrated, disinterested, and even contemptuous when she "failed" to get better.

Your grandchild is not an improvement project like leaky downspouts you point out on their house. She's a person.

You are projecting a lot. I have a child who was diagnosed with ASD at 22 months old. I will always be grateful to my mom who pointed out that she was not meeting milestones like my niece and nephew did. My mom didn’t push or nag, she just said her piece and left the rest to us.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you raised your concerns with your daughter before? Or would this be the first time you're bringing them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN mom here. In my experience, including with my own parents, family members like you have a very specific agenda. They want to point out the special need in order to have it mediated quickly and within a certain window. They do not want to face the notion of a lifelong disability and cannot, in fact, handle that idea. Have you thought about the idea that autism is lifelong? That therapy may assist your GC but is not a cure? My parents wanted my daughter whisked promptly to multiple therapies but became frustrated, disinterested, and even contemptuous when she "failed" to get better.

Your grandchild is not an improvement project like leaky downspouts you point out on their house. She's a person.

You are projecting a lot. I have a child who was diagnosed with ASD at 22 months old. I will always be grateful to my mom who pointed out that she was not meeting milestones like my niece and nephew did. My mom didn’t push or nag, she just said her piece and left the rest to us.

Did you not have a pediatrician who was monitoring milestones? Did you not have access to the internet to check those milestones yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN mom here. In my experience, including with my own parents, family members like you have a very specific agenda. They want to point out the special need in order to have it mediated quickly and within a certain window. They do not want to face the notion of a lifelong disability and cannot, in fact, handle that idea. Have you thought about the idea that autism is lifelong? That therapy may assist your GC but is not a cure? My parents wanted my daughter whisked promptly to multiple therapies but became frustrated, disinterested, and even contemptuous when she "failed" to get better.

Your grandchild is not an improvement project like leaky downspouts you point out on their house. She's a person.

You are projecting a lot. I have a child who was diagnosed with ASD at 22 months old. I will always be grateful to my mom who pointed out that she was not meeting milestones like my niece and nephew did. My mom didn’t push or nag, she just said her piece and left the rest to us.

Did you not have a pediatrician who was monitoring milestones? Did you not have access to the internet to check those milestones yourself?

Ped was way too relaxed ( we have another doctor now). We were looking at milestones but weren’t very alarmed until we saw the difference. Why is it hard for you to believe that some of us may not see our parents as the anti-Christ?

[Anonymous]

What good do you think will come of saying something? Will she magically come out of the denial you suspect? Will granddaughter magically be cured?

And what harm will come of you saying something? Will your daughter react badly?

And what harm will come from you not saying something? Will your granddaughter have some long term harm from not getting earlier intervention?

Just because you can say something doesn’t mean you should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she has autism?

She's not connected - won't make eye contact, won't look up - let alone get up - when new people enter, won't speak directly to anyone (even her parents) unless her parents ask her to say something and even then she usually won't say anything, does not try to make friends with and/or play with other children or adults, gets very angry if she's asked to share, and isn't able to follow basic directions. I worried about her for a while, but in the past 6 months as she's gotten older the lack of relatedness has become more obvious to me.

The best thing you can do (and I speak as a parent of an older child with autism) is to connect with her. Get down on the floor with her, show interest in what she is interested in, play with her toys with her, find ways to engage her and talk with her, encourage her and praise her for speaking to you, give her tons of positive, focused attention. That is essentially what a lot of therapy will be, and you can do that too. It will really help her to have that positive connection with you.

+1

[Anonymous]

My 3 yo DD has selective mutism and I was in denial about it for 8 months while my mother was expressing concerns. But I finally listened to her and got DD help and she is doing so much better. I'm immensely grateful to my mother even though she can be a PITA sometimes lol. So I think depending on the relationship you have with your daughter it can be done. I would just avoid speculating about the causes/diagnosis and focus on what specific behaviors you are seeing that you think are not normal and what your daughter CAN do - give her the number for Child Find, tell her they'll assess for free. E.g. "I noticed that Larla doesn't make a lot of eye contact, I think it might be worth getting an assessment from Child Find to see if this is a sign of a larger issue."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she has autism?

She's not connected - won't make eye contact, won't look up - let alone get up - when new people enter, won't speak directly to anyone (even her parents) unless her parents ask her to say something and even then she usually won't say anything, does not try to make friends with and/or play with other children or adults, gets very angry if she's asked to share, and isn't able to follow basic directions. I worried about her for a while, but in the past 6 months as she's gotten older the lack of relatedness has become more obvious to me.

Sounds like you have good reason to be worried. Don’t be worried about how your daughter takes it or if she gets mad at you. If you approach the situation with love and explain the facts to her. Try not to say anything directly about her parenting skills speak directly to the deficits you observe in your granddaughter and how those deficits might align with autism. Don’t say she definitely has it or not, just that you noticed these things (maybe make a list) and are concerned. Find a resource online that lists early symptoms of autism as well so she can compare the deficits in her child’ to that list. If you are financially able to assist with testing then offer this to her as well. Do everything you can to show her in a loving way why you think this way, print resources, doctors, websites, anything you can find to give her more information. After that you really need to butt out and let her handle it. Maybe ask her again in a few months about it but it’s a slippery slope when it’s not your own child. I’d also print out information that stresses the importance of early intervention, especially before age 6, and how the earlier she gets some services the less difficulties she’ll likely have later in life. Many parents are in denial but you have to stress the importance of early intervention and it’s benefits before they really see how important time is right now. Go into the conversation prepared and do it with love and hopefully she’ll find the best route to take. I’ve never known anyone complain that they had too much early intervention but met many parents that wish they hadn’t waited until the kid was older to start anything. School won’t be enough if she really has autism so be prepared to research additional therapy options like ABA. Maybe you could offer to have this take place in your home to alleviate some burden from mom. Best of luck, it’s not an easy conversation but definitely a necessary one. If they aren’t open to anything look into hiring a BCBA to provide some parent/caregiver training to you to teach you ways to better interact when she’s in your care.

This is terrible advice.

I agree with the PP that explained how to try to connect with your granddaughter.

If you feel like you really must say something to your daughter, ask her questions. Has she noticed….? Is she concerned about….? Even that approach could be incredibly off putting, so I would choose what you ask about carefully and not push the issue at all.

Does your daughter have much experience with kids this age? Is your granddaughter in childcare now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?

Who’s doctors office has an autism survey? I’ve never heard of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?

Who’s doctors office has an autism survey? I’ve never heard of that.

Your ped doesn't ask you developmental questions at every visit? Those include autism screening questions (e.g. eye contact, smiles, interaction, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?

Who’s doctors office has an autism survey? I’ve never heard of that.

M-CHAT.