How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you at the playground every single day?

She was at the playground the day the kid ignored other kids, played only alone and the mother commented “how well she played with others, showcasing her skewed perception of events.

Don’t bother, OP. As you can see, people are far too invested in their own defensiveness and denial and will ony lash out at you for telling the truth.

+1 to all of this. OP raised kids and has other grandchildren. She’s not describing normal behavior. I have a 3 year old and she says hello to people and she plays with her cousins and other kids. Not interacting with parents, caregivers, and other kids is not normal for 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she has autism?

She's not connected - won't make eye contact, won't look up - let alone get up - when new people enter, won't speak directly to anyone (even her parents) unless her parents ask her to say something and even then she usually won't say anything, does not try to make friends with and/or play with other children or adults, gets very angry if she's asked to share, and isn't able to follow basic directions. I worried about her for a while, but in the past 6 months as she's gotten older the lack of relatedness has become more obvious to me.

She needs her hearing checked, OP! It could be autism, but my kid was acting this way and turned out she had wax blocking her eardrums. This was not caught for a long time (I found out later my pede was getting a divorce and wasn't on his best game).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she has autism?

She's not connected - won't make eye contact, won't look up - let alone get up - when new people enter, won't speak directly to anyone (even her parents) unless her parents ask her to say something and even then she usually won't say anything, does not try to make friends with and/or play with other children or adults, gets very angry if she's asked to share, and isn't able to follow basic directions. I worried about her for a while, but in the past 6 months as she's gotten older the lack of relatedness has become more obvious to me.

The best thing you can do (and I speak as a parent of an older child with autism) is to connect with her. Get down on the floor with her, show interest in what she is interested in, play with her toys with her, find ways to engage her and talk with her, encourage her and praise her for speaking to you, give her tons of positive, focused attention. That is essentially what a lot of therapy will be, and you can do that too. It will really help her to have that positive connection with you.

My son was diagnosed at age 3 and we did ABA, OT and speech therapy and I cannot agree more. At this age therapy is basically trying to force a connection through play. As a grandma you can do that now! There’s nothing magical about the diagnosis. Engage with your granddaughter, play and talk to her. That’s what therapy is at this age.

I don’t think PP actually meant “force” in this way, but I’m really uncomfortable with the phrase “force a connection.” I’m neurodivergent and my daughter has ASD. For people on the spectrum, forcing interactions that overwhelm sensory inputs is excruciating and worsens meltdowns. I think PP was really just emphasizing their recommendation to find ways to connect with them through their interests, which I agree with! Not to be pedantic, but I think the word “force” is actually a good reminder that there are a lot of well-intentioned people who unintentionally cause distress to autistic kids — and it’s why getting diagnosed and getting *proper* supports that understand and embrace neurodivergence is so so important.

To Grandma: I think you can have a brave conversation that emphasizes that you love every bit of your granddaughter exactly as she is. This is the most important part: talking about autism so often is discussed as a horrible event, but in reality we’re ALL on a spectrum and being autistic is just another way of experiencing the world. A conversation that really emphasizes that you’re sharing not because you’re judging but because you care, and one that shows you understand and embrace every facet of neurodivergence can help your daughter break down some of the fear she may have that’s blocking her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you at the playground every single day?

She was at the playground the day the kid ignored other kids, played only alone and the mother commented “how well she played with others, showcasing her skewed perception of events.

Don’t bother, OP. As you can see, people are far too invested in their own defensiveness and denial and will ony lash out at you for telling the truth.

+1 to all of this. OP raised kids and has other grandchildren. She’s not describing normal behavior. I have a 3 year old and she says hello to people and she plays with her cousins and other kids. Not interacting with parents, caregivers, and other kids is not normal for 3.

Not sure what you mean by defensiveness/denial versus superior knowledge of child development, but parallel play is NOT abnormal in a 3 year old. Kids develop at different rates and your n=1 experience does not mean that kids who are different from yours are abnormal. My kid is also very social but I’m aware that normal development is a range. My 11 month is walking and I’m not thinking other kids her age are delayed because they are not. To be honest OP has not given us enough information to know how seriously to take her concerns because we don’t know how frequent or prolonged her contact is. Simone with occasional contact is really not in a position to Judge and the parents are more likely to know better. I think it ok to express concerns but then leave it up to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. Be supportive, love your granddaughter, and let her parents parent.

Sometimes parents need help parenting. I think that's where the phrase "it takes a village" comes from.

Agree. And if they don’t want to hear it they can politely say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents like you are the worst. Unless you learn boundaries and decency, I pretty much guarantee you are out of that kids life by the time they're 6. If the parents want your opinion, they'll ask. Stop assessing your grandchild, your things you've noticed just make you sound like an awful person. They are 3, enjoy them, if that's possible for you.

Signed person whose inlaws were convinced my 3 year old had autism and stared at and studied him weirdly all the time, and now haven't seen him in 9 years. And no, he does not have autism.

You sound like you need therapy though. You’re not a healthy person.

[Anonymous]

I have a HFA and adhd kid, and he does weekly therapies since he was 3. I and DH have everything under our control, and we have not shared any diagnosis to grandparents because we don't want them to be worried and there's nothing they can do about it. They know he is in weekly therapies, and they also know that we take him out to playground and attend many activities on weekend. They probably see something wrong even though he mask well, but they know we are doing and working on something.

At 3, my boy was social, played with other kids, and loved to go to playground. He made eye contact, interacted with strangers, and there's no sensory issues. The red flags for autism were sometimes he did not look at you when he talked to you, and he was too affectionate to strangers (no understanding of personal space), and he had some stimming. We went through many evaluation since he was 2 years old, and it took them a long time to diagnosis it because he masked really well. It was just those small signs that we decided to rule out something for a peace of mind. And, I would say, I hope your granddaughter is fine or your daughter and SIL at least do a developmentl evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Any update OP? Did you talk to your daughter?