What did you think having 3 kids and working full time would be like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was FTWOH with 3. Quit with #4. That’s when it got real, lol.

Dr Ray Guarendi jokes 3 is the optimum # of kids. If you have two kids, those with 3 give you advice. If you have 4, you are too busy to give advice.

So three kids is the optimal number as you don’t give or receive unsolicited advice

This is funny but you got the punchline wrong. Those with 3 do give advice. To those with 2 or 1. They just don’t get advice.

People with 3 kids freaking love giving parenting advice. Maybe I should suggest they have another!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly cannot even imagine having one and working full time. I am a SAHM and while I know that I pretty much wasted my degree (8+ years home), I would not change a minute. You need to choose what you will regret more - not working or not being with your kids. I rather regret not having a career than not spending my kids’ childhood with them

It’s great you are happy with your choice but you can feel that way without implying that working parents of either gender are not “spending their childhood with them”. I work PT and feel I spend a ton of time with my kids. My husband works full time and is not missing out on their childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of my neighbors have three children close in age and it's fascinating to me to see how differently they handle things.

Fascinating in what way?

+1 I wanna hear more about this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The empathy is strong with this one

Not OP but I think it's weird to have a lot of kids, then struggle with having a lot of kids, and then expect a lot of empathy for those struggles. It's not the 1800s -- no one is forcing you to have lots of children.

Our friends and family members with 3+ kids tend to complain about parenting a lot more and expect a lot more accommodations, and it was okay at first because obviously I can see that having more kids is harder than having fewer. But over time, you run out of empathy and willingness to accommodate. You get tired of always having to defer to the family with the most kids on venue, timing, and type of gathering because they have more schedules to juggle. And always having to listen to them explain how traveling, or meals, or school stuff, or sleeping arrangements is harder with more kids. Like yes, I see that, but also, I stopped caring at some point.

If you have 3+ kids and are managing fine, aside from the odd frustration, great! But my experience is that families like this are just an endless stream of scheduling nightmares and issues with the kids (the second one kid's food allergies gets solved, they've got another kid with a developmental issues, and every conversation revolves around this endless litany of parenting concerns).

One of my friends with 3 kids recently said to me "Wow it just seems like you've got it all figured out -- you never complain about this stuff!" And I didn't say it because I don't want to be rude, but that's not it. I have parenting struggles like everyone. But my stress level is overall lower and my capacity for resolving these struggles without needing to complain to everyone I know for months is higher, because I have fewer kids. It's more manageable. I'm not super mom and my kids aren't unusually easy. I just had fewer kids. It's my secret parenting hack, I guess.

DP, but your friends with 3+ sound like they haven't figured out that you can't parent 3+ the way you parent 1 or 2 kids. Or they're just very tightly wound, in general. You have to be more chill, or you'll lose your mind. I find some parents of 1 or 2 way too uptight to hang out with (not all, of course), because they parent in a much more intensive way than we do. We don't live in one of the pricier areas of the DMV, so that may be it. Our stress is lower because we actively choose for it to be lower: we don't overcommit with activities, we build in downtime, etc.

I think that parents should consider how they want to parent (including their resources) and factor that in when considering their family size. Solely taking the very long view, as I've long seen advised here, is incomplete.

Last but not least, when it comes to toddlers vs. teens, the best advice I've heard from parents with older kids is that it's all hard, so pace yourself. You can't burn out and then check out when you have teens, as many parents do. Even once kids are launched, they're still your kids and they still might need help, which I also think about (I have a sibling with many health problems, for example). Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.

The bolded seems very wise, and true. Can you say more about this? What does it look like on a day to day.

[Anonymous]

I’m the last two posters. I started a spin-off to explore some of these comments in more depth:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/0/1047621.page#22311789

[Anonymous]

Maybe we should think of ways that our society is failing parents of 3+? All parents are likely struggling with the same issues.

For me, 3 has been sweet. The first two are best friends and then when the 3rd was born they loved her immensely. They help us a lot with her. DH is a full 50% partner. We both stagger our hours- I work 7-3:30. DH works 9-5:30. He does drop off and I do pickup. My parents are incredibly involved, but we see their involvement as "cake". They take each kid out weekly on a special adventure and help each kid feel special. DH and I both try to spend individual time with each.

Our main issue has been with schools. They basically learn next to nothing in school (mine are elementary), they barely are ever in school, there's tons of random days off, weeks off and then long summers off. It's just hell trying to find care/camps for it all. It's like this mashup of care that parents have to cobble together. We also are shocked by how much extra tutoring they expect kids to receive. With so many kids failing, maybe they should rethink school hours? Is 6.5 hours really enough? Maybe 8 should be better to align with parents' schedules and to help teachers have enough time to teach?? They go off to multiple different specials daily, so that would give teachers time for planning.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting/somewhat obnoxious take from the OP.

It assumes that there is a linear relationship to number of kids and "difficulty" of parenting. Totally false statement, by the way.

Somethings are easier and some things are harder. Some things are *exponentially* easier and harder. What would my life be like now if I had more kids? Fewer kids? I have no idea, and neither do you, OP. That was the road we didn't take.

--Mom of Three

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why we stopped at one. But I appreciate all the families that tough it out and have 3+... future taxpayers to fund my social security and Medicare!

+1000 We appreciate the fools raising all the future taxpayers. We were one and done. That is enough. The estimated cost to raise a child = $250K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of my neighbors have three children close in age and it's fascinating to me to see how differently they handle things.

Fascinating in what way?

+1 I wanna hear more about this

Obviously I don't know everything about either family but our houses are close together and all our kids are similar ages so I've noticed a lot over the years. The one family with two working parents, each parent manages all kids regularly alone due to work travel (including weekends). In the other family, with a SAHP and WOHP, I rarely see either parent managing all three kids alone at home and if there is a day off of school a family member from long distance always comes to stay with them. There are other things from the SAHP family that's kind of mind boggling to me in terms of efficiency but I guess it works for them.

[Anonymous]

I continue to be surprised by the people on DCUM that seem hell-bent on breaking other people down (guess I shouldn't be anymore!)

There are as many chaotic households of 1 child as there are with 3. I could rewrite the OP about the surprise of rearing an only and later discovering they were self-centered and bratty and entitled, but I won't!

I have three kids and a pretty intense job. My husband works too. I think we're doing okay, but yes - it's sometimes crazy since all our kids play sports and have other extracurriculars like music. Sometimes we drop the ball. Sometimes we yell. But mostly it's ok, because we have learned to be organized, efficient, and how to manage expectations (these are all skills I developed in my career, by the way, which I think help me be a better parent).

We do not have local family, though I have certainly paid for a grandparent to fly out when we are in dire straights! We have worked to foster relationships with other parents and try to help each other out as much as possible. That investment is critical when you have three sporting events at the same time!

Anyway, if I'm honest, I wish I had 4 kids, but alas, it wasn't meant to be...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting/somewhat obnoxious take from the OP.

It assumes that there is a linear relationship to number of kids and "difficulty" of parenting. Totally false statement, by the way.

Somethings are easier and some things are harder. Some things are *exponentially* easier and harder. What would my life be like now if I had more kids? Fewer kids? I have no idea, and neither do you, OP. That was the road we didn't take.

--Mom of Three

Mmmmm. OP here.

3 is more work. Or, you at least have to go in with the idea that 3 is PROBABLY more work. And more money. And more stress.

I just am always surprised that people are surprised when they take on responsibility and then can't believe it's WORK. And it's hard. And it may not be very fun (although it might be).

I feel the same way about women who come on here and post: "OMG! I'm 45 and pregnant!" and then they post how they weren't using birth control because the thought it would NEVER happen to them.

Everyone would be better off, kids included, if their families did their homework before starting a family.

Also: My kids are grown. So this particular question is behind me now.

[Anonymous]

SIL interviewed for a higher career position and was obviously pregnant (#4). Somehow they asked (something I'm sure they weren't suppose to) about her plans. She said, "I don't stay home with 3 kids. I'm sure not staying home with 4 !!"

[Anonymous]

I thought 1-2 was the hardest. We have 3 - 7,4,2 and two working parents. Fortunately we have money to help with childcare (nanny) and errands (weekly cleaning/meal kits/etc.). Not sure I’d feel the same if I didn’t have extra help (or one non-working spouse).

[Anonymous]

I thought it would be an endless vacation and my husband would do all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe we should think of ways that our society is failing parents of 3+? All parents are likely struggling with the same issues.

For me, 3 has been sweet. The first two are best friends and then when the 3rd was born they loved her immensely. They help us a lot with her. DH is a full 50% partner. We both stagger our hours- I work 7-3:30. DH works 9-5:30. He does drop off and I do pickup. My parents are incredibly involved, but we see their involvement as "cake". They take each kid out weekly on a special adventure and help each kid feel special. DH and I both try to spend individual time with each.

Our main issue has been with schools. They basically learn next to nothing in school (mine are elementary), they barely are ever in school, there's tons of random days off, weeks off and then long summers off. It's just hell trying to find care/camps for it all. It's like this mashup of care that parents have to cobble together. We also are shocked by how much extra tutoring they expect kids to receive. With so many kids failing, maybe they should rethink school hours? Is 6.5 hours really enough? Maybe 8 should be better to align with parents' schedules and to help teachers have enough time to teach?? They go off to multiple different specials daily, so that would give teachers time for planning.

They learn nothing in school because the school day is filled with fluff. Morning meeting - 30 minutes. Specials - 1 hour a day. Pack up time 30 minutes. “Math” is 60 minutes but it’s really 10 minutes of instruction followed by 50 minutes of rotating unsupervised math “centers.” 15-45 minutes of “independent reading” (age depending.) The solution is not more school! It’s using the time they have more effectively - they should shorten the school day but get rid of all the fluff. 45 minutes of library is such a waste - it’s just babysitting to give the teacher a planning period. They should make school 9-1 and give the teachers planning hours after the kids all leave.