S/o how do you have change your parenting approach to go from 2 to 3 kids successfully?

[Anonymous]

There’s been a few threads lately about parenting three kids that have some really interesting insights I’d like to explore. Basically, the idea that you have to do things differently to raise 3 rather than 1 or 2 if you want to keep your sanity. Perhaps being a bit more chill. Built into this was the idea that some parents of three are still parenting like they have a small family and that’s making it much harder for them to manage.

This strikes me as potentially true, but I could also see it going the other way. That having systems and structure might be MORE necessary to keep the chaos under control with three.

I’m interested in hearing from people who have 3, or know other families well who have three, and can speak to this. What’s working, out there in the trenches, and what’s not? Who feels like they successfully made the leap from 2 to 3, shifted to a more chill approach, and found a good balance? Particularly interested in families where both parents work (though not necessarily full time). Who has observed patterns in the families of 3+ they know?

[Anonymous]

OP here to kick things off.

I know 2 families well that have 3 kids. The first is, I think, very happy and in a good groove, but I actually think they parent like they have a small family - tons of sports and extracurriculars for all three kids, parents do a TON (always volunteering for classroom stuff, coaching sports teams, Sunday school teacher, den mother, you name it.) They are, as a family, insanely busy, and very structured/organized. It seems to work for them, but I would have burned out on some of this stuff years ago. Feels almost like shooting the moon. If you’re gonna make this work you gotta go all in, 12/13 and it all falls apart.

The other doesn’t seem to be in a good groove. Lots of chaos. There house is a cluttered disaster. Not a ton of structure (bedtimes are pretty non-existent, for example, though the kids are early elementary). Lots of love, lots of fun, but it always seems like they’re scrambling. Like they tried to go chill and it’s just maybe too chill? And I worry a bit about their marriage.

I dunno maybe there’s a middle ground here.

[Anonymous]

Teaching older children to take on more responsibility and learn to look out for their younger siblings. At the same time you have to teach the older ones to be loving and helpful instead of bossy. Setting clear boundaries for when the older ones need to alert mom or dad and what they can handle on their own. You don’t want a situation where the oldest feels too much like the parent. Also making sure all the kids have chores and chip in to keep the house tidy, make their own lunches, learn to complete basic routines independently. I think you have to raise more independent and responsible children when transitioning to a larger family, because you’re essentially outnumbered at 3 so you’d better run like a team. It takes more work from the parents in the younger years to achieve this though, so I say start with a responsible child from number one if you’re planning a larger family.

[Anonymous]

I think there needs to be structure and some routines but still have flexibility and raise kids that are ok both with routine and flexibility of routine. You have to divide the day into things that have to get done and are done the same way everyday so you know that those things are accomplished. Id put basic needs in this category, and then have things you want to do that day like kids activities and whatever. You absolutely hope those things get done but if they miss something here or there it’s not the end of the world. Not everything goes smoothly when you start wrangling multiple children, one tries running off while the other is tantruming and your oldest is getting impatient because you’re going to miss their activity. That’s just life sometimes and it gets easier as the kids get older and can be more independent. I’ve definitely seen families though that don’t structure any part of their day and expect very little from their children and it’s like walking into a circus just before showtime. Nobody has any sense of what they should be doing, kids need help with everything, mom gets frustrated because she can’t do it all, everyone is always late if they show up at all and it’s a mess for everyone. And when this happens the kids usually become bratty and intolerable as they get older due to lack of structure and discipline when younger, or just sheer boredom because they don’t know how to do anything for themselves and get into everything. It really is a juggling act in many ways, I really think that if you teach them young about the expectations and are consistent with responsibility and routine but flexible you can make 3 work. I’ve even seen as many as 7 kids work well, though they had a sahm. It’s definitely rough on parents when the kids are under 5 though and parents need to make time for themselves and not be afraid to ask for a break.

[Anonymous]

I also think limiting outside activities for separate kids is a must unless you have an extra person on hand to help shuttle them to and from activities. Planning things as a family seems to be ideal for the younger kids, like a play group where all 3 can be involved and there are extra adults to help you with the kids. Teaching your kids young that there are just things other kids might get to do that might not work for your family. It helps if you can find families with similar interests that can take turns going to and from activities or having a grandparent or part time sitter but that’s not always possible so learning to accept no from an early age will serve them better down the road. When there’s only one child you can be involved in more structured outside activities but it’s not always possible for 3 or more especially depending on age differences. You can always supplement with more family activities that require less of a set schedule like play dates, going to visit the animal shelter, library visits, museums, etc. You still want to teach those social interaction skills to your kids but it has to be done in way that puts the family structures first. They also need to learn that they won’t get everything new like some kids and sharing will be extra important. These are great things for kids to learn though and the majority of kids I’ve encountered from large families have been lovely, well mannered, patient and kind.

[Anonymous]

I guess that compared to families with one or two kids, we do more as a family and less as individuals.

The kids are in structured outside activities, but often they are in the same activities, or they might all go to the activity and the kids who aren’t participating use that time to play a game or read a story together or whatever.

As far as structure in the home, we are pretty chill, but we have set chores because there was too much bickering over why this person has to do x and not this person. And we do have set bedtimes, wake-up times, meal times, and homework times. Most of the time at home is pretty unstructured, and they spend a lot of time playing together.

[Anonymous]

This may not be what you are looking for, but I’ve noticed now as my kids get older (youngest is mid elementary) that the two boys are much closer than they are with their older sister, and we have made some adjustments accordingly. We try to have more family movie nights, more board game nights, go out to restaurants together as a family to coax them to chat rather than dine and dash. I think sometimes the dynamics with three can get tricky, and you have to adjust your parenting accordingly so that they feel like a trio of siblings rather than a pair plus one. Obviously families of three kids vary in their makeup - triplets or all three of the same sex or different age spread - but I do know a lot of families like mine, that try to handle the dynamic of one sibling left out.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 very little ones (4, 2.5, & 7 months). I feel a combination of both. We have LOTS of structure and individual responsibility but these are things we were encouraging even before our 2nd was born. Like, we potty trained first child at 18 months, a couple months before the 2nd was born, so we would not have 2 children in diapers. We did the same with the next one: potty trained him at 19 months before the arrival of Baby#3.
Anything they can do, they do themselves. I didn't even realize we were doing this until we had guests last year and they remarked on things like: when they (meaning the older two, not the baby, LOL) are done eating, they say, "May I be excused?" We say yes, and then they get down from their junior chairs, to towels hanging on the wall, and they clean their hands and faces. Little things like that make it manageable when you are also occupied with a baby.

Bedtime is pretty strict. DH usually puts the kids to bed around 7pm. They sleep in the same room, have the same bedtime, so it's easier in that regard. The baby nurses with me then goes to sleep around 8, then DH & I finally have time together.

Now on to the other side: I have become way more chill in some areas. Our first never watched cartoons or movies until she was over 2 years old!!! Once we had baby #3, my husband started turning on educational shows for the older two to watch in the mornings when they wake up (he dresses and potties them first too). And he cuts up fruit and other healthy finger food to eat for breakfast. A few years ago I never would have been okay with that. But it buys me time to sleep in if I need to, the kids are happy, mornings go smoothly!

I am working on getting the kids more involved in daily clean up. They're more than capable. It's more my own effort to remind them and help them get into it as a routine so I don't have to be the one always telling them to do it... But about every other day they do help with putting their laundry away or cleaning up the living room.

With 3 kids you really do have to stick to your guns in some regards. But let unnecessary things go. I let DH dress the kids most mornings. Sometimes it's not as coordinated as I would do it or my 4yo will do her own hair and it's obvious. But you know what, those are little things I've become relaxed about. If we just had 1 or 2 kids I'd likely be spending more time "fixing" things that aren't necessarily broken.

[Anonymous]

Less individual activities inside the home and more "team building" family activities together. I actually like this a lot because it helps them share and become stronger friends with their siblings. We started this more when I was pregnant with #3. Instead of each kid being read to individually, we read to them together in preparation for one of us caring for the baby and the other could be reading. We put a lot of efforts into making them close friends too and they have always played together.

I was an only child and it was always my two parents against me and I didn't like that dynamic.

[Anonymous]

At least while the kids are little - let go of the idea that you'll be able to sit down a do an activity with one of them. your job evolves more to management and keeping everyone safe and logistical things moving. If you try to sit down and do a craft project with your oldest, both of you will just end up frustrated because you'll be interrupted 10000 times (unless others are napping at the same time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Less individual activities inside the home and more "team building" family activities together. I actually like this a lot because it helps them share and become stronger friends with their siblings. We started this more when I was pregnant with #3. Instead of each kid being read to individually, we read to them together in preparation for one of us caring for the baby and the other could be reading. We put a lot of efforts into making them close friends too and they have always played together.

I was an only child and it was always my two parents against me and I didn't like that dynamic.

what are some other ways you made them friends? my 3 and 4 year old who are 21 months apart are endlessly at each others throat. they clearly love each other (very concerned when one is hurt, want to play with each other and miss each other when apart for awhile) but any actual playing together quickly ends in fighting

[Anonymous]

I have 3 and a spouse working a very demanding inflexible job. I’m OP of the having a spouse with a big career thread.

I had a hard enough time juggling 2 kids while working. I now stay home with 3 kids.

I have two boys with ages very close together and then a preschool daughter. All 3 kids attend different schools so it is difficult to juggle.

I try to put boys in activities at the same location. I try to put them in camps at the same drop off location as well as sports. They do tennis at the same time even though one is more advanced than the other. Fortunately they are now old enough to stay home alone and I only have to drag the little one around.

I used to have a nanny and I stayed home because my Dh wasn’t there to help. We no longer have her after Covid.

We have scheduling conflicts frequently. It used to be just 2 conflicts with the 2 older boys but now the third child also has activities. I remember before Covid an older mom said wait until the little one is older and had sports too. She is too young for competitive sports but she has birthday parties she really really wants to go to. It is a constant juggling act.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I still try to keep the same standard as when I had 1 or 2 kids. That is probably why I can’t seem to go back to work.

I just got one kid a math tutor and the other kid a writing tutor. I feel there was learning loss with a year of virtual school. I actually feel guilty that I was not more involved with kids virtual school even though I was home. They got good grades during virtual but I don’t think there was much learning. I was busy keeping toddler busy and entertained so we weren’t disrupting the two older kids.

[Anonymous]

I have two older in elementary and a baby not yet in school. Honestly I have found the transition to three the easiest transition of all. Maybe that’s because the baby doesn’t have activities yet and just is along for the ride. Or maybe it’s because I’ve learned to let a lot go. But my older two are in tons of activities (swim, basketball, baseball, soccer) and have practices almost every afternoon or evening. I am super organized and plan out our week to a tee and do a lot of carpooling with other families (of three kids!). I also SAH and cannot imagine working and having any sanity. But I am super involved in school and volunteer on a regular basis, our house is always clean, and my kids (usually) eat a home cooked meal for dinner. I don’t have a magic solution for how to juggle it except I think having one parent at home is key to getting everything done.

[Anonymous]

I have one kid who is MS age and two more under 5. I spend a lot of individual time with my oldest, as he has some special needs and relies on me a lot, but much of this is just hanging out watching tv when the littles are in bed.

The younger two play at home together. If it’s nice out, they play in the yard. My middle girl does dance 1X per week. That’s it.

The older two do chores regularly. I clean while they play independently or together.

It’s very busy, but we both have some flexibility in our jobs. I’m a teacher so there’s nice breaks when the kids can be home. We also have family help.

The biggest difference is that I don’t plan a lot of outings, like I did with my oldest. I’m not the cruise director. We do life together. It’s so much easier.