What did you think having 3 kids and working full time would be like?

[Anonymous]

I am always stunned by these posters who don't look ahead and foresee what life will be like.

People who skip birth control.

Or people who have kids with no solid plan. Who can' see that working even 40 hours a week PLUS managing multiple children would be anyway from very hard to soul crushing. Who don't do the math on how much it will cost.


Who are you people?

[Anonymous]

This is why we stopped at one. But I appreciate all the families that tough it out and have 3+... future taxpayers to fund my social security and Medicare!

[Anonymous]

I thought it would be chaos, and it is. And I wouldn’t have it any other way - I love it!

[Anonymous]

I have five and it isn’t chaos.

The biggest issue is always and has always been childcare. Once you have that figured out, it doesn’t matter how many kids you have.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Congrats. YTA.

I think everyone with little kids expects it to be hard. Expects it to be busy. I honestly don't think that working/SAHP makes a huge difference, depending on your temperament (and I work, FWIW), though long hours or a very stressful job would be harder for sure. I think this is all true whether you have one, two, three or even four kids. Okay, once you're really out of the mainstream with like 6 kids, that's a different story. But you're not talking about the Duggars, you're talking about people with three kids! Isn't the average something like 2.5?

There are plenty of people who love their children, love having a large family, and recognize that yes, the early years are going to have some very tough moments, and accept that trade-off and the risks that come with it. Because it's worth it for them.

And yet, they may have a season of life where it's stressing them out a bit more than they're comfortable with, and so they come here for commiseration/advice. No matter whether you work or not, or have one kid or four, with special needs or without, kids are HARD and there will be a time when it feels like too much. LIFE is like that, even if you DON'T have kids.

These aren't people coming and saying "well, I had three kids, and I work 110 hours a week, we live on food stamps, we beat the kids regularly because we can't handle the whining, we are really mad that they spilled juice on our pristine white upholstered furniture, the youngest needs glasses but we just tell him to squint, and we are considering a fourth, what do you think?" The kids are well cared for, the adults are generally okay, it's just hard sometimes. Life isn't always predictable. Maybe kids at ages 1, 5, and 7 were fine, but 2, 6 and 8 is stressing you out and by 3, 7, and 9 you'll be back in your groove. Does that one tough year mean it was crazy to have your youngest child, who you love and adore and has added so much richness to your life?

That's not your priority, great. But people are different and prioritize different things even if it's tough and sometimes they need a little advice. Get off your high horse. You might struggle, too, one day.

--mom of two

[Anonymous]

Part of the problem is when people ask on this (and similar) forums whether they should have a third, they get bombarded with responses like "you don't regret what you do, only what you don't do," or, "there will always be a hole in your heart if you don't have a third kid," or, "imagine how you want your Thanksgivings to be in 30 years" or some nonsense along those lines.

Those of us with three kids and no SAHP try to give practical advice and usually get shouted down.

I mean, maybe it's solely about "childcare," but that's a huge issue. It's expensive. It's not an option when kids are sick. It can be unreliable. You may need to hire a crap ton of it if you work too many hours, etc. It always matters how many kids you have.

[Anonymous]

I didn't know what it would be like but learned a lot after having one and stopped there. We considered having a second but ultimately we'd rather be sane and like each other, and be able to offer more to our existing kid (including more time with us), then push our luck.

Three sounds absolutely insane to me, at least living in this area and with the current parenting expectations. My parents had three back in the 80s and it was still chaos, but my mom was mostly a SAHM and there were so many things that just didn't exist as an expectation for parents back then. No one cared about screen time for instance -- we watched tons of TV and no one cared. There was no internet and no social media. There was also just generally less awareness of social issues so people didn't worry about parenting around them. No one worried about teaching their kids about consent, or racism, or ablism. We did get some of it, but it wasn't as complex and stressful as it is now. Also less economic pressure -- college was a lot less expensive and the process of applying and going seemed significantly less fraught than it is here, now. There were disappointments and victories, but it didn't have the intensity. Same with grades, activities, sports. What we thought was competitive or intense back then would barely even register now.

When we talked about having a second kid, it was pretty much predicated on us moving out of the DMV for a slower pace of life and a lower cost of living. I think this is a particularly challenging place to raise kids, when I compare to friends and family in other places. There are good things about it too, but they mostly come in the form of great opportunities. The thing about opportunities is that it takes work to take advantage of them. Parents in the DMV are always working so hard at parenting. It's a tough job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Congrats. YTA.

I think everyone with little kids expects it to be hard. Expects it to be busy. I honestly don't think that working/SAHP makes a huge difference, depending on your temperament (and I work, FWIW), though long hours or a very stressful job would be harder for sure. I think this is all true whether you have one, two, three or even four kids. Okay, once you're really out of the mainstream with like 6 kids, that's a different story. But you're not talking about the Duggars, you're talking about people with three kids! Isn't the average something like 2.5?

There are plenty of people who love their children, love having a large family, and recognize that yes, the early years are going to have some very tough moments, and accept that trade-off and the risks that come with it. Because it's worth it for them.

And yet, they may have a season of life where it's stressing them out a bit more than they're comfortable with, and so they come here for commiseration/advice. No matter whether you work or not, or have one kid or four, with special needs or without, kids are HARD and there will be a time when it feels like too much. LIFE is like that, even if you DON'T have kids.

These aren't people coming and saying "well, I had three kids, and I work 110 hours a week, we live on food stamps, we beat the kids regularly because we can't handle the whining, we are really mad that they spilled juice on our pristine white upholstered furniture, the youngest needs glasses but we just tell him to squint, and we are considering a fourth, what do you think?" The kids are well cared for, the adults are generally okay, it's just hard sometimes. Life isn't always predictable. Maybe kids at ages 1, 5, and 7 were fine, but 2, 6 and 8 is stressing you out and by 3, 7, and 9 you'll be back in your groove. Does that one tough year mean it was crazy to have your youngest child, who you love and adore and has added so much richness to your life?

That's not your priority, great. But people are different and prioritize different things even if it's tough and sometimes they need a little advice. Get off your high horse. You might struggle, too, one day.

--mom of two

PP here - sorry for the rant. But you touched a nerve. It drives me nuts when a parent asks for some advice and the responses are "well why did you have three that was stupid." Royally unhelpful, mean, and unfair, IMHO. Always makes me feel bad for the OP.

[Anonymous]

I am a sahm of 3. It was too hard to juggle for us.

[Anonymous]

I imagined a big family, big dinner time discussions, lots of laughter, huge christmases and just a full house. All the things I never had as an only child. I believe we are stopping at 3. It's wonderful, but yeah it's exhausting. I absolutely love pregnancy and babies so I know that if my life were different (ie I didn't work and didn't have to pay for college) I'd have 5+ kids.

What I didn't imagine: how challenging school would be. TERRIBLE hours, bad teachers, bullies that get coddled by the school. If I could keep my kids in daycare forever I would. Daycare was lovely. Perfect hours for working parents (DH and I stagger our work hours), caring teachers who actually talk to us (teachers never do) and lots of play for kids. My oldest can't even use the playground at school- they just have an outdoor gym with no toys or equipment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Congrats. YTA.

I think everyone with little kids expects it to be hard. Expects it to be busy. I honestly don't think that working/SAHP makes a huge difference, depending on your temperament (and I work, FWIW), though long hours or a very stressful job would be harder for sure. I think this is all true whether you have one, two, three or even four kids. Okay, once you're really out of the mainstream with like 6 kids, that's a different story. But you're not talking about the Duggars, you're talking about people with three kids! Isn't the average something like 2.5?

There are plenty of people who love their children, love having a large family, and recognize that yes, the early years are going to have some very tough moments, and accept that trade-off and the risks that come with it. Because it's worth it for them.

And yet, they may have a season of life where it's stressing them out a bit more than they're comfortable with, and so they come here for commiseration/advice. No matter whether you work or not, or have one kid or four, with special needs or without, kids are HARD and there will be a time when it feels like too much. LIFE is like that, even if you DON'T have kids.

These aren't people coming and saying "well, I had three kids, and I work 110 hours a week, we live on food stamps, we beat the kids regularly because we can't handle the whining, we are really mad that they spilled juice on our pristine white upholstered furniture, the youngest needs glasses but we just tell him to squint, and we are considering a fourth, what do you think?" The kids are well cared for, the adults are generally okay, it's just hard sometimes. Life isn't always predictable. Maybe kids at ages 1, 5, and 7 were fine, but 2, 6 and 8 is stressing you out and by 3, 7, and 9 you'll be back in your groove. Does that one tough year mean it was crazy to have your youngest child, who you love and adore and has added so much richness to your life?

That's not your priority, great. But people are different and prioritize different things even if it's tough and sometimes they need a little advice. Get off your high horse. You might struggle, too, one day.

--mom of two

PP here - sorry for the rant. But you touched a nerve. It drives me nuts when a parent asks for some advice and the responses are "well why did you have three that was stupid." Royally unhelpful, mean, and unfair, IMHO. Always makes me feel bad for the OP.

DP, and I think those responses are the worst because they're utterly unhelpful. The person can't change the number of kids they have after the fact.

That said, the flip side (as I pointed out above) is that too many people have a third (or fourth, or whatever) kid without fully considering what their lives will be like, and are encouraged to imagine all the happy things and none of the stress. That's also not helpful.

[Anonymous]

I didn't really think too hard about it in advance-- twins don't run in my family and I wasn't doing any fertility treatments. But kid 2 turned into 2 and 3, and it's exactly as wonderful and exhausting as I would have though.

[Anonymous]

I have posted about having 3. My first two are close together and super easy. Didn't think that adding a 3rd would change the family dynamic that much but after two girls we had a boy and he is just soooooo different than the girls. He has way more energy, gets into things, climbs on stuff, is generally more active. The girls were no where near this active or high energy at the same age.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what the point of the OP is other than to shame/ridicule - but this is DCUM, so I shouldn’t be surprised.

For my family having a large gap between the 2nd and 3rd was a real life saver. I cannot imagine having had a 5yo, 2yo, and a newborn. I adore having a baby but the toddler years are tough. Having older, more independent kids when the third was a toddler made all the difference IME.

[Anonymous]

I thought it would be hard, but manageable and I was right. Plenty of us manage just fine.