I'm tired of being a mother.

[Anonymous]

I was scared to have my second too but he was such a breeze I was so glad I did. Even now in their teens, he's my calm chill kid and I love hanging out with him. Just a solid guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the boys vs girls commenters drive me crazy as a parent of a girl who was so very much like op's child at that age.

OP, just a hunch here, have you noticed how your child responds to sensory stimuli? Do they seek out noise or avoid it? Do they like wrestling and firm hugs or prefer a lighter touch? With food, can you tell if it's the texture or the flavor that makes something unappealing?

Behavior is communication. It's hard, but if you can, try to pretend you're a scientist studying your child's reactions. They are not personal, even though it feels profoundly personal in the moment.

Not the OP but interested in this. I suspect my difficult four-year-old has some sensory issues--relatively mild because she functions fine in daycare. But she's highly temperamental, prone to meltdowns at home, and just...challenging. So challenging. Anyway, your bolded question caught my eye because I have noticed some sensory things: For example, she is extremely averse to "scary" loud noises/things, like lawnmowers. Lawnmowers are a big problem. Self-flushing toilets are an issue when we're out, and automatic hand-dryers are out of the question. But she also does some sensory-seeking things, like scratching or running her nails over various surfaces (walls, counters, upholstery), knocking/banging, and her favorite thing is dramatically smashing something her older sister has meticulously built, like a LEGO construction or art project or the like. She definitely plays rough.

But since you asked the OP, I'm curious about what that indicates, especially when (in my case) she seems to be able to keep it generally under control in her classroom setting? She probably does engage in some of these behaviors there too, but not to a degree that her teachers have ever said anything, even when I've asked.

And OP...hugs to you. I had the exact same thought as your subject line this morning. It was a rough morning. It feels like a very long and sometimes regrettable road.

I'm the pp. Op's post and your post remind me of my DD at a younger age. Now in middle school she has an ADHD diagnosis following a neuropsych eval at age 8. In preschool one of her teachers flagged her for sensory integration difficulties, predominantly sensory seeking. Wearing a pressure vest helped a lot, plus OT. Still loves tight hugs and needs lots of exercise, especially "heavy work " I should look into that weighted blanket. I think we got lucky that an experienced teacher noticed, because others didn't see difficulties.

Those flushing toilets. Man, I was ready to go vigilante and disable all the auto flushers. Thankfully that extreme noise sensitivity wore off years ago and public bathrooms are no longer a problem, but it felt like trauma every time.

This book was illuminating: https://hsperson.com/is-your-child-highly-sensitive-results/
Following the ADHD diagnosis, parent management training has helped all the adults in the house be on the same page regarding discipline and finding strategies that work, since the regular old standbys often fall short. We used Allan Kazdin's method in book form, but I saw recently he also has a free online course that I might try again for a refresher: https://alankazdin.com/everyday-parenting-the-abcs-of-child-rearing/ Even for more typically developing kids, Kazdin's method works well.

DD's an amazing wonderful hilarious sensitive kind curious highly intelligent kid. But never easy. Just has needed so much MORE of everything than all the cousins in the extended family and my friends' kids who didn't need enormous efforts just to get more than 30 minutes sleep at a time.

I wouldn't trade her for the world. She's the most interesting kid I know. But some days are tough. Give yourself grace. Treat yourself like you would a friend.

[Anonymous]

It’s not your fault. You just were unlucky in having a difficult child. I am sure he will come around to some extent as he grows up.

[Anonymous]

Gosh this sounds exhausting. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a stay at home mom? Honestly I don’t know how any one can be a stay at home parent but certainly some people can tolerate the exhaustion and boredom better than others. Maybe you should go back into the workforce and put your son in daycare? That would help with his attachment problem too.

Even if you don’t work, can you get some help part time during the week so you get a break? What about starting him in some part time preschool program or a part time nanny?

why was this comment necessary?

[Anonymous]

He will grow up to be a ceo and buy you houses, op. My cousin was like this. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

You are sleep deprived, and his daycare or nanny is probably giving him too much nap time, or else he is eating too much sugar at night (juice?) or not going to bed full. Whatever it is, the child needs to sleep through the night so you can too. I hope you figure it out OP, good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are sleep deprived, and his daycare or nanny is probably giving him too much nap time, or else he is eating too much sugar at night (juice?) or not going to bed full. Whatever it is, the child needs to sleep through the night so you can too. I hope you figure it out OP, good luck!

1 more idea - maybe his bed time is too early?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a stay at home mom? Honestly I don’t know how any one can be a stay at home parent but certainly some people can tolerate the exhaustion and boredom better than others. Maybe you should go back into the workforce and put your son in daycare? That would help with his attachment problem too.

Even if you don’t work, can you get some help part time during the week so you get a break? What about starting him in some part time preschool program or a part time nanny?

why was this comment necessary?

Leave them be -the time of the response sounds as if this was written by a parent who is struggling. I think it’s less bashing SAHPs and more a glimpse into one person’s parenting difficulties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eating: you sit him down and put three things on his plate - one thing he loves, one thing he likes, and something new. That’s the meal! No asking, no substitutions. You decide what you serve and he decides what, if anything, he’s going to eat. If he eats nothing that’s okay. If he tantrums, that’s okay. A couple meals and snacks like this and he’ll get it. Be consistent.

Potty training: I am a firm believer in potty training before 2 but if it’s too much for you right now wait. Stop all attempts and just wait until he wants to. There are 3.5 yr olds in my son’s preschool class still in diapers.

Tantrums: Don’t engage in the tantrum. Be there for him but don’t try reasoning with him. They’re like raging drunks! I deal with the issue (lost toy) and offer support but don’t take it personally. If my kids want to scream and cry it’s okay. I pretend it doesn’t bother me. After the tantrum is over we talk about how it wasn’t fun for him and better ways he could get my attention or help. Most times with tantrums, there is nothing to do (like when my kid tantrums because the ducks flew away).

Hang in there, OP. And talk to a neurologist about migraine prevention. It saved me.

All of this. I also give my DS two acceptable choices (playground or park? Broccoli or green beans?) and if he says neither, then I choose. If he's waking 1-2x a night, I'd let him tantrum. He's not a newborn or a baby that needs fed. If anything, he might be overtired by waking at night and more sleep would mean better behavior. I would get a door monkey and put it on his door so he can't come out (you can have a video camera if you're worried).

I am a bit firmer with discipline, but I see the benefits. I don't spank or scream, but I definitely am not a pushover. I hold the line. If I say one last chance or we're leaving, we leave. Even when it's hard.

Also, when I'm struggling I do read or listen to a parenting book. Sometimes I only glean one thing from the book, but it makes me feel better like I have a game plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eating: you sit him down and put three things on his plate - one thing he loves, one thing he likes, and something new. That’s the meal! No asking, no substitutions. You decide what you serve and he decides what, if anything, he’s going to eat. If he eats nothing that’s okay. If he tantrums, that’s okay. A couple meals and snacks like this and he’ll get it. Be consistent.

Potty training: I am a firm believer in potty training before 2 but if it’s too much for you right now wait. Stop all attempts and just wait until he wants to. There are 3.5 yr olds in my son’s preschool class still in diapers.

Tantrums: Don’t engage in the tantrum. Be there for him but don’t try reasoning with him. They’re like raging drunks! I deal with the issue (lost toy) and offer support but don’t take it personally. If my kids want to scream and cry it’s okay. I pretend it doesn’t bother me. After the tantrum is over we talk about how it wasn’t fun for him and better ways he could get my attention or help. Most times with tantrums, there is nothing to do (like when my kid tantrums because the ducks flew away).

Hang in there, OP. And talk to a neurologist about migraine prevention. It saved me.

All of this. I also give my DS two acceptable choices (playground or park? Broccoli or green beans?) and if he says neither, then I choose. If he's waking 1-2x a night, I'd let him tantrum. He's not a newborn or a baby that needs fed. If anything, he might be overtired by waking at night and more sleep would mean better behavior. I would get a door monkey and put it on his door so he can't come out (you can have a video camera if you're worried).

I am a bit firmer with discipline, but I see the benefits. I don't spank or scream, but I definitely am not a pushover. I hold the line. If I say one last chance or we're leaving, we leave. Even when it's hard.

Also, when I'm struggling I do read or listen to a parenting book. Sometimes I only glean one thing from the book, but it makes me feel better like I have a game plan.

I agree with this. Don’t give empty threats is the best thing you can do. I think too many parents jump to Adhd or something like that when they have a difficult child and consistency with discipline can eliminate lots of the negative behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the boys vs girls commenters drive me crazy as a parent of a girl who was so very much like op's child at that age.

OP, just a hunch here, have you noticed how your child responds to sensory stimuli? Do they seek out noise or avoid it? Do they like wrestling and firm hugs or prefer a lighter touch? With food, can you tell if it's the texture or the flavor that makes something unappealing?

Behavior is communication. It's hard, but if you can, try to pretend you're a scientist studying your child's reactions. They are not personal, even though it feels profoundly personal in the moment.

Not the OP but interested in this. I suspect my difficult four-year-old has some sensory issues--relatively mild because she functions fine in daycare. But she's highly temperamental, prone to meltdowns at home, and just...challenging. So challenging. Anyway, your bolded question caught my eye because I have noticed some sensory things: For example, she is extremely averse to "scary" loud noises/things, like lawnmowers. Lawnmowers are a big problem. Self-flushing toilets are an issue when we're out, and automatic hand-dryers are out of the question. But she also does some sensory-seeking things, like scratching or running her nails over various surfaces (walls, counters, upholstery), knocking/banging, and her favorite thing is dramatically smashing something her older sister has meticulously built, like a LEGO construction or art project or the like. She definitely plays rough.

But since you asked the OP, I'm curious about what that indicates, especially when (in my case) she seems to be able to keep it generally under control in her classroom setting? She probably does engage in some of these behaviors there too, but not to a degree that her teachers have ever said anything, even when I've asked.

And OP...hugs to you. I had the exact same thought as your subject line this morning. It was a rough morning. It feels like a very long and sometimes regrettable road.

I'm the pp. Op's post and your post remind me of my DD at a younger age. Now in middle school she has an ADHD diagnosis following a neuropsych eval at age 8. In preschool one of her teachers flagged her for sensory integration difficulties, predominantly sensory seeking. Wearing a pressure vest helped a lot, plus OT. Still loves tight hugs and needs lots of exercise, especially "heavy work " I should look into that weighted blanket. I think we got lucky that an experienced teacher noticed, because others didn't see difficulties.

Those flushing toilets. Man, I was ready to go vigilante and disable all the auto flushers. Thankfully that extreme noise sensitivity wore off years ago and public bathrooms are no longer a problem, but it felt like trauma every time.

This book was illuminating: https://hsperson.com/is-your-child-highly-sensitive-results/
Following the ADHD diagnosis, parent management training has helped all the adults in the house be on the same page regarding discipline and finding strategies that work, since the regular old standbys often fall short. We used Allan Kazdin's method in book form, but I saw recently he also has a free online course that I might try again for a refresher: https://alankazdin.com/everyday-parenting-the-abcs-of-child-rearing/ Even for more typically developing kids, Kazdin's method works well.

DD's an amazing wonderful hilarious sensitive kind curious highly intelligent kid. But never easy. Just has needed so much MORE of everything than all the cousins in the extended family and my friends' kids who didn't need enormous efforts just to get more than 30 minutes sleep at a time.

I wouldn't trade her for the world. She's the most interesting kid I know. But some days are tough. Give yourself grace. Treat yourself like you would a friend.

Oh my goodness I thought I wrote this except my DD was diagnosed at 6. Agree completely my sensitive DD is fascinating and wonderful even if she is also just trickier. I have a more typical child too and its fascinating how so many different approaches work fine for him but my DD needs very specific management. But there’s a strategy for every child, some are just harder to figure out than others and harder to implement too. It’s made me a kinder better parent to both my kids from having to go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eating: you sit him down and put three things on his plate - one thing he loves, one thing he likes, and something new. That’s the meal! No asking, no substitutions. You decide what you serve and he decides what, if anything, he’s going to eat. If he eats nothing that’s okay. If he tantrums, that’s okay. A couple meals and snacks like this and he’ll get it. Be consistent.

Potty training: I am a firm believer in potty training before 2 but if it’s too much for you right now wait. Stop all attempts and just wait until he wants to. There are 3.5 yr olds in my son’s preschool class still in diapers.

Tantrums: Don’t engage in the tantrum. Be there for him but don’t try reasoning with him. They’re like raging drunks! I deal with the issue (lost toy) and offer support but don’t take it personally. If my kids want to scream and cry it’s okay. I pretend it doesn’t bother me. After the tantrum is over we talk about how it wasn’t fun for him and better ways he could get my attention or help. Most times with tantrums, there is nothing to do (like when my kid tantrums because the ducks flew away).

Hang in there, OP. And talk to a neurologist about migraine prevention. It saved me.

All of this. I also give my DS two acceptable choices (playground or park? Broccoli or green beans?) and if he says neither, then I choose. If he's waking 1-2x a night, I'd let him tantrum. He's not a newborn or a baby that needs fed. If anything, he might be overtired by waking at night and more sleep would mean better behavior. I would get a door monkey and put it on his door so he can't come out (you can have a video camera if you're worried).

I am a bit firmer with discipline, but I see the benefits. I don't spank or scream, but I definitely am not a pushover. I hold the line. If I say one last chance or we're leaving, we leave. Even when it's hard.

Also, when I'm struggling I do read or listen to a parenting book. Sometimes I only glean one thing from the book, but it makes me feel better like I have a game plan.

I agree with this. Don’t give empty threats is the best thing you can do. I think too many parents jump to Adhd or something like that when they have a difficult child and consistency with discipline can eliminate lots of the negative behavior.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP first off as every mom with multiple kids swear - your kids will be totally different! Usually opposite experiences. Always one hard and one easy!!! The harder the easier vice versa in fact!

So dont assume it'll be repeat if another. My kids are polar 180 in every way.

Next, every kid has phases. Also the harder earlier sometimes will become most talented/successful later. And they will changed. DD is now 10 and pretty much stuck to me like glue. My best friend and I love her to death. But she always preferred me v DH. DS was very very attached younger to DH but now in MS he looks to me for support. Ironically while DS has ADHD and anxiety he was much easier than DD who was a lot harder younger. Now he needs more help than her.

Just illustrating that it's hard to know what will happen as they get older. Do get him checked out per pp on neuro issues but keep in mind as well it could also be personality and age driving some of this. They change so much through the years and it will always be something. I find it mentally exhausting now but less physically challenging for example. It's sports and activities and school and vacation planning nowadays which is just as hard if not harder than chafing them around. Every phase is something but at least there's variety 😀 you should try to go away for a few days and give him to DH cold. Break the cycle of you being there. Maybe a nightmare for DH but it sounds like if you are around the cycle wouldn't ever get broken. DD never slept through the night either until 2 1/2 years old or so. She is great now can sleep like 11-12 hrs. So another example if changes. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a stay at home mom? Honestly I don’t know how any one can be a stay at home parent but certainly some people can tolerate the exhaustion and boredom better than others. Maybe you should go back into the workforce and put your son in daycare? That would help with his attachment problem too.

Even if you don’t work, can you get some help part time during the week so you get a break? What about starting him in some part time preschool program or a part time nanny?

The OP says she works full time.