I'm tired of being a mother.
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Anonymous
| Sending hugs and also I identify with seeing other kids sit and play quietly, and knowing my kids do not do that. I think you are getting some good advice, but just wanted to add some support. |
Anonymous
OP, I have two kids with ADHD (one is ASD) and I know how hard it is. This part really struck me: I think that giving any child an engaging parent who plays with him for 8+ hours a day is inappropriate. Children should play (or fight) with children, not with their mother all day. I'm not saying that you should have another just to give your DC a sibling, but it would be healthy for your DC to have less of your focus and sole attention. If you choose not have any more children, then be mindful of how to make sure that your DC is not your sole focus -- focus on your marriage, your career, yourself, as well as your DC. He is not first among those. And he will get older, and it will get better. Hang in there. |
Anonymous
A friend...that's called a friend. |
Anonymous
| OP, my oldest DC was the same as you describe at that age. He’s only 7 (and still super high maintenance) but is way better now that he has logic and understands things better. I would just grit your teeth for now and know that it may just pass as he matures. I have 4 lovely nieces who like to sit and color quietly for hours and I have wondered many times how they are so different! |
Anonymous
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OP, you have described my DC 3.5 years old. I am a sole parent so there is no one else to hand off to when. I want to go outside and scream. Thankfully I don’t have the migraines but instead have a stomach issue de, I think, due to stress and poor eating habits. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I never imagined having such a difficult child. The tantrums leaving just about anywhere are embarrassing and exhausting. My child does hit, kick, and bite me, so that just makes it worse. I am waiting for a response to requests for evaluations at 2 places. I am exhausted and depressed.
I have already tried some of things suggested by PPs, multiple warnings that time is up, time clock, offering choices, take it or leave it meals. Mixed results. Here’s to hoping that the “it will get better with time” crowd is right… my God I hope that they are right. |
Anonymous
| If your child isn’t in daycare consider enrolling him in one. |
Anonymous
I didn't have this with my kids, but FWIW my child psychologist mother who worked with very special needs kids is fine with cutting this aggressive physical behavior in the bud if it seems to be more than a one off. Not saying spanking, but say they hit you, you grab that arm immediately and say hands are not for hitting. Not to make them scared of you, but to shock them out of that kind of behavior before you proceed with calmer punishment like time outs. Basically anything physical it is ok to have an immediate physical response as long as it is measured and appropriate and you're not doing it out of anger (ie exerting excessive force). |
Anonymous
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I feel you, OP. Also have 1 kid around that age and work f/t. Sometimes you just have to concede that certain ages are a SLOG (and unfortunately, children's lives start with the slog ages, unless you are a baby-stage person! The rough stuff comes first). Hang in there. I love my daughter but I do find her draining to care for; here's what I do to make life easier.
-get as MUCH help as you can. Do you have daycare or a nanny? Fix that first if you don't. Working from home with a toddler is not possible, and many people lie to themselves about that fact. Throw Covid caution out the window and do what's best for your family to balance work/childcare. In addition to workday childcare, please consider a once a week date night sitter type of deal. It has done wonders for my mental health during the pandemic with a toddler. -have hobbies, preferably ones that involve fitness or outdoor exercise, and unapologetically do them every week -have friends, at least some who are moms too -be strict about sleep/bedtime so your kid-free hours are sacred (5AM is objectively too early; time to use a sleep training strategy or OK to wake light). -have a system to handle the really grating behavior and try not to view it as "bad," but a developmentally appropriate thing. you can gently guide toddlers toward being calm and well-behaved but you can't force it or shut them up. I've tried the latter and it just doesn't work. the key is NOT talking or getting emotional; be the adult in the room. 1-2-3 magic worked well for my DD. |
Anonymous
| PP above. I am lucky to have an adventurous eater but agree with the PP who said "one thing he loves, one thing he likes, one new thing to try," no alternatives. Be a friendly flight attendant: "next meal service is in 3 hours." |
Anonymous
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He sounds exhausting! I'm sorry, op.
But I did notice that you said a few times that you give in--if he goes with dad he cries, he cries until he gets what he wants. You're creating a tiny monster by giving hj What he wants when he cries. He knows that next time--he just has to cry and he gets what he wants! He should have regular time with dad every day, maybe dad does bath time and you take a walk. Every single day, so it becomes routine. Don't give in! You think you're helping him, but I think you're showing him you have inconsistent and weak boundaries and he's going to use that to his advantage, but it also scares kids when they don't know what to expect. |
Anonymous
Btw these are the parents that tell you you’re a horrible parent for screaming and call your child spoiled because you can’t control them. |
Anonymous
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My son when he was 2 was a nightmare. My friends (who all had daughters) would go to lunch and their girls would sit there quietly and behave themselves. My son would run out into the street if I wasn't watching him with an eagle eye. Boys are tough. The first thing I learned - my son is now 17 - is that my son needs a run every single day. Like to the point of exhaustion. We lived overseas in a big city where the parks were not so safe and it was exhausting trying to keep him from falling off something. But here you have great parks and lots of places to run.
My suggestion is to get him a small bike or tricycle and take him to the park as often as possible. First thing on a sunday morning, take him to the track and have him follow you around. Something, anything. The second thing I learned is that boys are much easier than girls after about 4 years old. My friend's girls are difficult now! So much drama. My son still just needs exercise and he is easy. Without exercise, a bit of a nightmare (think pandemic!) but otherwise, no drama. The third thing I learned is find him an activity he enjoys - I put my son in so many classes, some he liked, some he didn't - but at least it gave us a break. And he found a sport he loves and excels in. |
Anonymous
| PP here: But also, parenting kind of sucks and it's really freaking hard. Perhaps don't do what I did which is to think it would get easier if he had a sibling. It didn't. |
Anonymous
Dear OP, He sounds exactly like mine who is turning 5 next month. As soon as your son turns 3, get the 5 pound weighted blanket from Amazon (the one with minky fabric on one side). The reviews will say "it's a miracle" and you will be skeptical. GET THE BLANKET. We went from every 45 minute wake-ups to once a night around 4 or 5 am. I am sending you prayers that it works for you as well as it did for me. Sleep for Mom is important at helping you be your best. Next - Can you consider OT? We have had our son in two or three times a week since age 2. It has helped a ton with emotional regulation and giving an outlet to the need for big motor activities. It was like 1:1 private circus class in the beginning because he was so much in need. Then - if that starts to help, get a big swing at home that you can swing him in high and fast on days when there is no OT. We let my son use a tablet on the potty. Voila - pooping on the potty everyday. At 4 years and 8 months, my son started a super low dose of Ritalin. It has helped tremendously. We also supplement with fish oil gummies and magnesium gummies. I could share lots more strategies, but I just want you to know you're not alone. It's not you, it's him. 
I am certain you are doing a great job just by virtue of the fact that you are working on not yelling. I wish I had another. So maybe give the weighted blanket a try later this Spring and get back to sleep - and back to bed IYKWIM. |
Anonymous
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I would see a developmental pediatrician. The wait will be long but you could really use some professional help. Also, consider taking him to occupational therapy. My dd was a lot like you describe and she went to OT and it was helpful. What you can do is watch what they do with him and then do the same yourself. You don’t need a referral for it.
I very much understand the sense of “ it’s never enough.” And also it’s important to know that much advice and parenting strategies recommended here just won’t work with a child like this. Ask me how I know. It did get better with age. It’s just less physically exhausting as they get older. |