DS forwarded his friend’s obnoxious email to principal and…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, it seems that you care a lot more about what this other mom thinks of you then about your sons perspective. If I’m understanding correctly, it happened at school, during lunch, through the school email. Your son’s friend is by your accounts “impulsive”.

Have you asked your son why he sent it to the principal? Have you considered that maybe, and of course I don’t know, his friends impulsivity may be consistent and overbearing, and highly unpleasant. Maybe your son wants to spend less time with this friend at least for now? Maybe this impulsivity, well perhaps understandable to adults understanding the diagnosis, is constant, pressing and annoying. Or maybe your son had recently received the message from school administration to reach out if anyone uses media inappropriately and took it literally? He’s 11. This seems like a good time to try to understand what’s going on in his head on this issue and do use as a teaching opportunity based on that. really, though, read through your postings above and simply count the times you showed empathy or concern for your son and the number of times you showed empathy and concern for another child’s mother. It’s not even clear to me if you spoke with your son, let alone ask him if he was out of you that his communication to the principal should be addressed at home. and have you even reached out to the other mom to let her know what her son had said to yours over lunch? Or are you in reality and just not going to do anything about it because it’s inconvenient for you and you’d be embarrassed? to be clear, I am not saying that this was a big deal in terms of her sons contact, or that both boys may not engage in similar acts, but it sounds like your son reached out to an authority figure, provided essentially a complaint. You then shut it down and said you would handle, and at least from what you’ve written it doesn’t seem that you’ve actually handled at all. Other than to be relieved you don’t need to have a conversation with a principal

My son actually chooses to hang out with this friend over some other friends, so I don’t think he is suffering in this friendship. He has a tendency to be mean, which we are working on. So he is not the one to complain! He now finally knows what it feels like then a friend talks like that. He keeps telling me (when I reproach him for similar acts - not that bad but in the same line - that it’s just “friendly banter”. Well, get a taste of your own medicine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your son is too immature to have a phone.

School email! Read the topic maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
People like you are the problem, not OP's son. OP's son absolutely did the right thing. Let me repeat: OP's son did the right thing in forwarding the email to the Principal. The other boy needs to be reprimanded and counseled about appropriate behavior and interactions on social media. The other boy will face a consequence. OP's son will be told that he did the right thing.

-A School Principal

Hi Principal, I'm the elementary school teacher who responded earlier. I missed the fact that this was sent via school email and that it happened during the school day.

I agree with you that that makes it school business. An 11 year old needs to learn to use school email for appropriate purposes only, not for sending gaming related messages to his friend. I still think it is fine (better) for OP to ask to just handle it between the families as the boys are (or were) friends and there seems to be zero indication that OP's son feels bullied or threatened or that this type of thing is sent to him often. There's no need to involve the school and a principal's precious time with this type of thing IMO.

Hi elementary school teacher PP, I just wanted to thank you for your advice earlier (I did but in case you missed it!) and say I was able to get in touch with the principal and take it off her plate, we were both relieved
- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not typical friend behavior, OP. Something is very off with your son's reaction. Before you feel too sorry for the other mom you should talk to your own son and figure out what's going on.

Look, I love my son, I am hurt by unkind responses in this thread regarding his behavior, but objectively I think he was being a sore loser and impulsive and maybe just tired/hungry/whatever. He also has some social awkwardness at times so maybe that played a role. I think I would sense it if the friend was truly mean, but they seem to have a good time when they hang out. This friend helps him with coding projects, so it’s not like he is bad kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not typical friend behavior, OP. Something is very off with your son's reaction. Before you feel too sorry for the other mom you should talk to your own son and figure out what's going on.

Look, I love my son, I am hurt by unkind responses in this thread regarding his behavior, but objectively I think he was being a sore loser and impulsive and maybe just tired/hungry/whatever. He also has some social awkwardness at times so maybe that played a role. I think I would sense it if the friend was truly mean, but they seem to have a good time when they hang out. This friend helps him with coding projects, so it’s not like he is bad kid.

I also have a 11yo son and asked him what he would do in this situation. He said he would never tell the principal on his friend. So, perhaps your friend and this boy aren't as close as you think and he's willing to risk the friendship, or he really doesn't understand some of the social norms and there may be consequences to him socially because of this. That's what I would be worried about, and it sounds like you sense that. The trash talking is just par of the course with the boys. And obviously they should learn not to do it on school devices and to tone it down because parents may be listening, but that's just how guys talk to each other. Interestingly my son said he just assumed the school can read all the emails sent internally so in his mind this was an odd situation, he and his friends text each other outside of school. But they would not tattle on each other to the principal, they know that at 11.

[Anonymous]

I think your son shouldn't play online games yet if this is how he reacts.

[Anonymous]

I also have an 11yo son (and a 13yo son). If they had a “friend” who did what your son did , they would no longer be allowed to hang out/socialize with that “friend”. Emailing/tattling to the principal over potty talk/cursing???! At this age? Crazy. You need to address this with your kid or he will have no friends at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not typical friend behavior, OP. Something is very off with your son's reaction. Before you feel too sorry for the other mom you should talk to your own son and figure out what's going on.

Look, I love my son, I am hurt by unkind responses in this thread regarding his behavior, but objectively I think he was being a sore loser and impulsive and maybe just tired/hungry/whatever. He also has some social awkwardness at times so maybe that played a role. I think I would sense it if the friend was truly mean, but they seem to have a good time when they hang out. This friend helps him with coding projects, so it’s not like he is bad kid.

Nobody thinks the other kid is a bad kid! We think you and your son are not aware of why this reaction is going to be harmful to *him.* Kids this age talk trash to one another. Your son is the only kid I have ever heard of thinking “I’m gonna tell the principal on my friend” for that and I teach high school. I don’t think this friend will have much to do with your son after this but you seem completely in denial that the choice your son made is unusual AND it will have social impact on him. You keep reassuring us they really are friends and I … don’t think that is going to be the case after this because if I’m the other kids mom I would be telling my son to distance himself from yours.

[Anonymous]

My son is a year older. If he forwarded that to his principal, there would be no response. The principal would ignore. Schools are dealing with kids with no food at home, kids being abused, physical fights, etc. They have no time to mediate this type of nonsense.

I would reach out to the principal to apologize, and tell him or her that you and your child will handle this yourselves.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to your son and explain that it is not the school's job to mediate all his personal problems. He can come to you for help, or he can try to work them out himself first (by telling the friend that he did not like the behavior or distancing himself).

Teachers and administrators are under enormous stress right now. They do not need this nonsense. And your son is old enough to have some compassion for that - he's 11, not 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to your son and explain that it is not the school's job to mediate all his personal problems. He can come to you for help, or he can try to work them out himself first (by telling the friend that he did not like the behavior or distancing himself).

Teachers and administrators are under enormous stress right now. They do not need this nonsense. And your son is old enough to have some compassion for that - he's 11, not 7.

I’m the high school teacher PP. Sometimes when kids come to us about conflicts with peers I ask “what kind of solution would make you happy in this situation?” A lot of times they just want to get it out . I would be curious what OP’s son would say if she asked him that question. What solution was he hoping for when he forwarded that to the principal? And if he says “I don’t know” or “none” it would be good for him to ask himself that in the future before escalating in such a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not your son "standing up for himself." This is your son being a bully and trying to get his friend in trouble. What would possibly possess him to involve the principal over an (admittedly crude, but plainly joking) comment made outside of school? At least, I'm assuming it was outside of school.

I doubt it will be ignored, but I expect both boys will be pulled in for a talk. The friend about his language and your son about learning how to properly handle situations like this.

I also expect word will get around and your son will face some natural social consequences for this, so you should prepare to help him through that. And definitely talk to him about why he chose this (frankly bizarre) path in response to the comment.

+1 this. Your son was being a bully. He basically went nuclear on his friend. And btw, your son was the one who is engaging in impulsive behavior, not ADHD kid.

It's not being a bully. Bullying requires a power imbalance. It was a bit of an overreaction, probably, and definitely tattling. The email being used was school email though, and there are rules at school about not using curse words. "Suck it A$$hole" is definitely not school appropriate. If a student is offended by his friend's speech, it's legitimate to complain about it. You can tattle to the teacher about it, but you can't expect to keep the friendship in that case. It's OP's son's decision whether he cares that much about bad language to complain.

Yeah, there was no bullying on either side here. People overuse this word so much, its original meaning has been utterly lost. Same with "gaslighting."