Ramifications of marrying outside of your social class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

This has been my experience too. I’m from a wealthier background and much more frugal then my DH.

People from UMC/low-key wealthy backgrounds know that you stay rich by spending less than you make, buying quality items that will last decades, investing smartly, etc. A dollar spent today is forfeiting many multiples of that in future income if invested wisely.

I used to go out clubbing with my friends. When I saw what normal people were spending on bottle service and VIP seats, I just shook my head. I would see normal middle class folks spending a couple grand in a night on over-priced booze. Such a massive waste of money.

That one always makes me laugh. Usually it's made to justify purchasing something absurdly expensive compared to equivalents. Can you come up with any luxury item where this holds true? Purses are where you hear it the most, but you'd have to burn through quite a few $500 bags before you can justify a $7,500 bag that way. Just spend money on what you like, but don't try to convince others that you are actually being a spendthrift because your coat will be passed down to your grand kids one day.

A well-built house vs. cheap McMansion. A well-built car that will last 20 years with proper maintenance. Higher priced quality clothing with lifetime warranties (not couture, but think quality brands that have been around a long time). $500-800 purse made of real leather vs. disposable $75 handbags that rip and tear. Dress shoes that can be repaired and resoled - eg, $400 pair of Allen Edmonds vs. $100 pair of dress shoes that wear out in a year. Properly tailored suiting for $2K that you'll keep for 10-15 years vs cheap OTR suits.

You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes and jacket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

This has been my experience too. I’m from a wealthier background and much more frugal then my DH.

People from UMC/low-key wealthy backgrounds know that you stay rich by spending less than you make, buying quality items that will last decades, investing smartly, etc. A dollar spent today is forfeiting many multiples of that in future income if invested wisely.

I used to go out clubbing with my friends. When I saw what normal people were spending on bottle service and VIP seats, I just shook my head. I would see normal middle class folks spending a couple grand in a night on over-priced booze. Such a massive waste of money.

That one always makes me laugh. Usually it's made to justify purchasing something absurdly expensive compared to equivalents. Can you come up with any luxury item where this holds true? Purses are where you hear it the most, but you'd have to burn through quite a few $500 bags before you can justify a $7,500 bag that way. Just spend money on what you like, but don't try to convince others that you are actually being a spendthrift because your coat will be passed down to your grand kids one day.

A well-built house vs. cheap McMansion. A well-built car that will last 20 years with proper maintenance. Higher priced quality clothing with lifetime warranties (not couture, but think quality brands that have been around a long time). $500-800 purse made of real leather vs. disposable $75 handbags that rip and tear. Dress shoes that can be repaired and resoled - eg, $400 pair of Allen Edmonds vs. $100 pair of dress shoes that wear out in a year. Properly tailored suiting for $2K that you'll keep for 10-15 years vs cheap OTR suits.

You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes and jacket.

I think it's also not needing to signify anything. I am the PP who said it's my experience too. I don't feel any need to show how wealthy I am. I also know that oftentimes more expensive does not always mean better. I also don't feel the need for many possessions. My MIL grew up LMC and seems to hoard possessions. It's amazes me how much stuff she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

This has been my experience too. I’m from a wealthier background and much more frugal then my DH.

People from UMC/low-key wealthy backgrounds know that you stay rich by spending less than you make, buying quality items that will last decades, investing smartly, etc. A dollar spent today is forfeiting many multiples of that in future income if invested wisely.

I used to go out clubbing with my friends. When I saw what normal people were spending on bottle service and VIP seats, I just shook my head. I would see normal middle class folks spending a couple grand in a night on over-priced booze. Such a massive waste of money.

That one always makes me laugh. Usually it's made to justify purchasing something absurdly expensive compared to equivalents. Can you come up with any luxury item where this holds true? Purses are where you hear it the most, but you'd have to burn through quite a few $500 bags before you can justify a $7,500 bag that way. Just spend money on what you like, but don't try to convince others that you are actually being a spendthrift because your coat will be passed down to your grand kids one day.

A well-built house vs. cheap McMansion. A well-built car that will last 20 years with proper maintenance. Higher priced quality clothing with lifetime warranties (not couture, but think quality brands that have been around a long time). $500-800 purse made of real leather vs. disposable $75 handbags that rip and tear. Dress shoes that can be repaired and resoled - eg, $400 pair of Allen Edmonds vs. $100 pair of dress shoes that wear out in a year. Properly tailored suiting for $2K that you'll keep for 10-15 years vs cheap OTR suits.

You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes and jacket.

No. You cant tell much about a man by his shoes and jacket. Even a high school drop out drug dealer with money can get a personal shopper at a luxury departmental store. You'll know nothing about him from his shoes and jacket but his ability to spend money.

[Anonymous]

OTR suits can be altered to perfection.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why its better to have high quality designer bag for several years than getting a trendy bag whenever you feel like it.

[Anonymous]

A young man with dad's money is always going to have a better wardrobe than a better co-worker who is relying on his own income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A young man with dad's money is always going to have a better wardrobe than a better co-worker who is relying on his own income.

100%

[Anonymous]

His family was always jealous of our money and believed it much more than we really had. As if just being upper middle class made you extremely wealthy when in reality it isn't that different from middle class. I think this played a large part in our marriage's downfall although on the most prevalent issue.

He ended up abusing my money with no repercussions from his family. Took out credit cards without telling me and ran us into debt. Once the sister was saying she was really busy with his mom and I offered to help and she showed me all the projects she wanted me to fund. She lived in the home at no expense to take care of the parents. Also asked me to fund a trip overseas. I had meant maybe I can get my husband to call more and send care packages.

The bigger issues were that he couldn't relate to any of my friends. He loved the lifestyle and thought our friends were nice but couldn't converse well and make any really strong friends. He also just had a lot of bad habits that I didn't pick up on during the courtship and his mind started to deteriorate as he grew older. Maybe this could happen to anyone but eventually found out he had a lot of mental health issues. So the biggest issue I've found is that a lot of poorer people have mental health issues which makes marriage difficult. This also happened to another friend of mine and I've now seen how many adopted children from poorer families have mental health issues so these seems to be a recurring trend during my lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His family was always jealous of our money and believed it much more than we really had. As if just being upper middle class made you extremely wealthy when in reality it isn't that different from middle class. I think this played a large part in our marriage's downfall although on the most prevalent issue.

He ended up abusing my money with no repercussions from his family. Took out credit cards without telling me and ran us into debt. Once the sister was saying she was really busy with his mom and I offered to help and she showed me all the projects she wanted me to fund. She lived in the home at no expense to take care of the parents. Also asked me to fund a trip overseas. I had meant maybe I can get my husband to call more and send care packages.

The bigger issues were that he couldn't relate to any of my friends. He loved the lifestyle and thought our friends were nice but couldn't converse well and make any really strong friends. He also just had a lot of bad habits that I didn't pick up on during the courtship and his mind started to deteriorate as he grew older. Maybe this could happen to anyone but eventually found out he had a lot of mental health issues. So the biggest issue I've found is that a lot of poorer people have mental health issues which makes marriage difficult. This also happened to another friend of mine and I've now seen how many adopted children from poorer families have mental health issues so these seems to be a recurring trend during my lifetime.

Should have ended our marriage ended with him in addiction and infidelity. I think there just weren't a lot of controls in his family. A lot of enabling. No strict rules even though they came across like they had them. But when a child had an issue. No big deal. A young adult got fired from a job. No big deal. Husband became an alcoholic. No big deal. Just more acceptance from poor behavior. I feel like in my family people come talk to you when you are going off the rails and try to get you back on. His family just would let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

This has been my experience too. I’m from a wealthier background and much more frugal then my DH.

People from UMC/low-key wealthy backgrounds know that you stay rich by spending less than you make, buying quality items that will last decades, investing smartly, etc. A dollar spent today is forfeiting many multiples of that in future income if invested wisely.

I used to go out clubbing with my friends. When I saw what normal people were spending on bottle service and VIP seats, I just shook my head. I would see normal middle class folks spending a couple grand in a night on over-priced booze. Such a massive waste of money.

That one always makes me laugh. Usually it's made to justify purchasing something absurdly expensive compared to equivalents. Can you come up with any luxury item where this holds true? Purses are where you hear it the most, but you'd have to burn through quite a few $500 bags before you can justify a $7,500 bag that way. Just spend money on what you like, but don't try to convince others that you are actually being a spendthrift because your coat will be passed down to your grand kids one day.

A well-built house vs. cheap McMansion. A well-built car that will last 20 years with proper maintenance. Higher priced quality clothing with lifetime warranties (not couture, but think quality brands that have been around a long time). $500-800 purse made of real leather vs. disposable $75 handbags that rip and tear. Dress shoes that can be repaired and resoled - eg, $400 pair of Allen Edmonds vs. $100 pair of dress shoes that wear out in a year. Properly tailored suiting for $2K that you'll keep for 10-15 years vs cheap OTR suits.

You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes and jacket.

I feel like furniture and kitchen appliances are where this comes up for us. The cheap stuff looks nearly identical to the more expensive brands when you first buy it. But the cheaper things start to look terrible after a year or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His family was always jealous of our money and believed it much more than we really had. As if just being upper middle class made you extremely wealthy when in reality it isn't that different from middle class. I think this played a large part in our marriage's downfall although on the most prevalent issue.

He ended up abusing my money with no repercussions from his family. Took out credit cards without telling me and ran us into debt. Once the sister was saying she was really busy with his mom and I offered to help and she showed me all the projects she wanted me to fund. She lived in the home at no expense to take care of the parents. Also asked me to fund a trip overseas. I had meant maybe I can get my husband to call more and send care packages.

The bigger issues were that he couldn't relate to any of my friends. He loved the lifestyle and thought our friends were nice but couldn't converse well and make any really strong friends. He also just had a lot of bad habits that I didn't pick up on during the courtship and his mind started to deteriorate as he grew older. Maybe this could happen to anyone but eventually found out he had a lot of mental health issues. So the biggest issue I've found is that a lot of poorer people have mental health issues which makes marriage difficult. This also happened to another friend of mine and I've now seen how many adopted children from poorer families have mental health issues so these seems to be a recurring trend during my lifetime.

This actually isn’t the case. Mental health problems are distributed fairly evenly among the classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

This has been my experience too. I’m from a wealthier background and much more frugal then my DH.

People from UMC/low-key wealthy backgrounds know that you stay rich by spending less than you make, buying quality items that will last decades, investing smartly, etc. A dollar spent today is forfeiting many multiples of that in future income if invested wisely.

I used to go out clubbing with my friends. When I saw what normal people were spending on bottle service and VIP seats, I just shook my head. I would see normal middle class folks spending a couple grand in a night on over-priced booze. Such a massive waste of money.

That one always makes me laugh. Usually it's made to justify purchasing something absurdly expensive compared to equivalents. Can you come up with any luxury item where this holds true? Purses are where you hear it the most, but you'd have to burn through quite a few $500 bags before you can justify a $7,500 bag that way. Just spend money on what you like, but don't try to convince others that you are actually being a spendthrift because your coat will be passed down to your grand kids one day.

A well-built house vs. cheap McMansion. A well-built car that will last 20 years with proper maintenance. Higher priced quality clothing with lifetime warranties (not couture, but think quality brands that have been around a long time). $500-800 purse made of real leather vs. disposable $75 handbags that rip and tear. Dress shoes that can be repaired and resoled - eg, $400 pair of Allen Edmonds vs. $100 pair of dress shoes that wear out in a year. Properly tailored suiting for $2K that you'll keep for 10-15 years vs cheap OTR suits.

You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes and jacket.

A honda or Toyota will outlast a Mercedes or BMW if well maintained. A well built house will cost multiples of a McMansion which will still last decades. Allen Edmonds and 2k mens suits aren't luxury and if you think they are they you probably aren't actually buying luxury goods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

This has been my experience too. I’m from a wealthier background and much more frugal then my DH.

People from UMC/low-key wealthy backgrounds know that you stay rich by spending less than you make, buying quality items that will last decades, investing smartly, etc. A dollar spent today is forfeiting many multiples of that in future income if invested wisely.

I used to go out clubbing with my friends. When I saw what normal people were spending on bottle service and VIP seats, I just shook my head. I would see normal middle class folks spending a couple grand in a night on over-priced booze. Such a massive waste of money.

That one always makes me laugh. Usually it's made to justify purchasing something absurdly expensive compared to equivalents. Can you come up with any luxury item where this holds true? Purses are where you hear it the most, but you'd have to burn through quite a few $500 bags before you can justify a $7,500 bag that way. Just spend money on what you like, but don't try to convince others that you are actually being a spendthrift because your coat will be passed down to your grand kids one day.

A well-built house vs. cheap McMansion. A well-built car that will last 20 years with proper maintenance. Higher priced quality clothing with lifetime warranties (not couture, but think quality brands that have been around a long time). $500-800 purse made of real leather vs. disposable $75 handbags that rip and tear. Dress shoes that can be repaired and resoled - eg, $400 pair of Allen Edmonds vs. $100 pair of dress shoes that wear out in a year. Properly tailored suiting for $2K that you'll keep for 10-15 years vs cheap OTR suits.

You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes and jacket.

A honda or Toyota will outlast a Mercedes or BMW if well maintained. A well built house will cost multiples of a McMansion which will still last decades. Allen Edmonds and 2k mens suits aren't luxury and if you think they are they you probably aren't actually buying luxury goods.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His family was always jealous of our money and believed it much more than we really had. As if just being upper middle class made you extremely wealthy when in reality it isn't that different from middle class. I think this played a large part in our marriage's downfall although on the most prevalent issue.

He ended up abusing my money with no repercussions from his family. Took out credit cards without telling me and ran us into debt. Once the sister was saying she was really busy with his mom and I offered to help and she showed me all the projects she wanted me to fund. She lived in the home at no expense to take care of the parents. Also asked me to fund a trip overseas. I had meant maybe I can get my husband to call more and send care packages.

The bigger issues were that he couldn't relate to any of my friends. He loved the lifestyle and thought our friends were nice but couldn't converse well and make any really strong friends. He also just had a lot of bad habits that I didn't pick up on during the courtship and his mind started to deteriorate as he grew older. Maybe this could happen to anyone but eventually found out he had a lot of mental health issues. So the biggest issue I've found is that a lot of poorer people have mental health issues which makes marriage difficult. This also happened to another friend of mine and I've now seen how many adopted children from poorer families have mental health issues so these seems to be a recurring trend during my lifetime.

This actually isn’t the case. Mental health problems are distributed fairly evenly among the classes.

There is no way they are evenly distributed. I'll have to do some sleuthing to prove but just common sense and general reading and history has proved this wrong. Maybe some people don't have the means to get help but there is no way that upper middle class people have the same amount and intensity of mental health problems as the lower classes.

[Anonymous]

The UK has universal healthcare and they say poverty increases mental health both genetic and as a result of poverty.

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/sites/default/files/Poverty%20and%20Mental%20Health.pdf