Ramifications of marrying outside of your social class

[Anonymous]

Another thread about social class?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No major ramifications for us, but I did expose my husband to thing that he would never had experienced if he had married someone in his neighborhood/town.

- reading for pleasure, or even really reading after HS. His parents were busy working all the time, multiple shifts, and they didn't grow up with books in the house. He was fascinated with my reading habits, but now after 20 years of marriage he is a casual reader. He understands getting lost in a story.
- theatre: plays and musicals. He would go with me, but think both the costs of going were exorbitant. Our daughter is a musical fanatic, so he keeps up with songs and will take her to shows
- buying our first home was tough. We qualified for a much larger purchase price, but he couldn't get over spending a "half million" on a home. He would never say 500 thousand. He always translated it to a million.
- food prices. There are a few places he will just concede are better tasting, but he will mention the insanity of paying $20 for a hamburger, when you can get one off of the dollar menu. This has gotten a little better as time has gone on, though if his parents are visiting we just do not let them see menu prices if we go out. He will order and we bring it home, or just have it brought to the table.
- He's having a huge amount of sticker shock at college tuition. It's a lot, but we can afford to pay for our kid's tuition, so I'm insisting on doing so.
- He grew up being charged by his parents for anything outside of shelter/food (from about 14-18). At 18 they had to pay rent to live at home. I really had to put my foot down that we aren't charging our teen and college aged kids for things. We can afford to let them live with us "rent free" while they are actively working and on college breaks. It's not like we are giving them new cars, and fancy electronics, or taking them on shopping trips.

This is triggering my own bad memories of my parents. My dad was a bootstrapper but made a good living. Things l had to do even though he could have easily paid:

Buy all my own clothes and shoes starting at 14
Work multiple part time jobs while putting myself through college. I didn’t qualify for loans because my family had too much money. They bought a newer / nicer home over 4000sf after my freshman year, and a new mustang
Inadequate dental care resulting in a lot of crowns and root canals as an adult

PP you quoted. Yes, my husband paid for his own braces in high school, using his part time job. His brother got braces in his 30s, and the other siblings, just dealt with the teeth the have. All very clean and white, but a few are pretty crooked/overlapped. Everyone did move out very quickly after HS graduation. And to this day his family will charge their dad for things. "Oh, I bought you lunch yesterday, you owe me $7.55." "You owe me $36 for a used car part." It's just a transactional relationship that I didn't experience growing up in a solidly middle class family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how serious this thread is going to be, but I’ll share. I was in a LTR with a guy from a slightly different american class. Both of our families had similar amounts of income and considered ourselves middle class, but we behaved very differently. Once we attended his friend’s out of town wedding. There was a five hour break between wedding and reception. I wanted to go to Panera; he and his friends wanted to go to McDonald’s because he said his friends weren’t rich snobs like my friends and couldn’t afford Panera (they made more money than I did at my nonprofit job). The meal costs were about the same, but as a vegetarian, there wasn’t much I could eat at McDonald’s. When his mom married for the fourth time, her husband took us out on his boat. We were all expected to bring beer - lots of it. So there were four of us on a boat in 95 degree weather, with a case of beer. Later we drove across state lines to go gambling. It was little behaviors like this about food, alcohol, and how to spend leisure time that caused big fractures in our relationship.

I don't get the beer/boat story at all. What is wrong with being on a boat with a case of beer? I grew up solidly UMC and would probably bring beer or white claws if invited on a friend/relative's boat.

[Anonymous]

It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband does some of these things, and I’ve spoken to him about it. Cost is pretty much the first thing he mentions anytime we are taking about a trip or house repair, etc. I do appreciate he doesn’t waste money, though.

He’ll also make certain comments about wealth in a way that would be insulting to very wealthy people. I’ve spoken to him about this, too. I do not know if it will change.

I didn’t grow up wealthy, yet I do not have preconceptions that “rich is bad,” etc.

Who cares? As long as he's not saying things straight to people's faces. It's not enough to be rich, now the wealthy need to be loved, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how serious this thread is going to be, but I’ll share. I was in a LTR with a guy from a slightly different american class. Both of our families had similar amounts of income and considered ourselves middle class, but we behaved very differently. Once we attended his friend’s out of town wedding. There was a five hour break between wedding and reception. I wanted to go to Panera; he and his friends wanted to go to McDonald’s because he said his friends weren’t rich snobs like my friends and couldn’t afford Panera (they made more money than I did at my nonprofit job). The meal costs were about the same, but as a vegetarian, there wasn’t much I could eat at McDonald’s. When his mom married for the fourth time, her husband took us out on his boat. We were all expected to bring beer - lots of it. So there were four of us on a boat in 95 degree weather, with a case of beer. Later we drove across state lines to go gambling. It was little behaviors like this about food, alcohol, and how to spend leisure time that caused big fractures in our relationship.

Gotta say, I don't see a huge difference between Panera and McDonald's. It's all trash food. I know, I worked at Panera.

[Anonymous]

I grew up LMC and husband’s family is very, very well off. They are outwardly warm and polite, but one time about 5 years ago, my FIL had one too many and accused me of being a gold digger. So… in retrospect I should have been prepared that they would never accept me, no matter what my education and career achievements are.

And before someone says “well, you must have done something…” They have never given us money, we have never asked them for money, and I out-earned my husband until a few years ago. I am in charge of the family budget and the only reason we were able to afford our house is because I sold the DC condo purchased in my 20s which nearly doubled in price (just luck on my part). But I am still a gold digger. We’ve been together nearly 20 years, I guess they think I’m playing the long game?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up LMC and husband’s family is very, very well off. They are outwardly warm and polite, but one time about 5 years ago, my FIL had one too many and accused me of being a gold digger. So… in retrospect I should have been prepared that they would never accept me, no matter what my education and career achievements are.

And before someone says “well, you must have done something…” They have never given us money, we have never asked them for money, and I out-earned my husband until a few years ago. I am in charge of the family budget and the only reason we were able to afford our house is because I sold the DC condo purchased in my 20s which nearly doubled in price (just luck on my part). But I am still a gold digger. We’ve been together nearly 20 years, I guess they think I’m playing the long game?

Oof that's tough. I hope your husband and MIL were ashamed of his mouth.

[Anonymous]

I grew up LMC and husband’s family is very, very well off. They are outwardly warm and polite, but one time about 5 years ago, my FIL had one too many and accused me of being a gold digger. So… in retrospect I should have been prepared that they would never accept me, no matter what my education and career achievements are.

Clearly, money does not bestow true class. However, few of the people on DCUM understand this fact.

You can see this lack of insight up-post, where wives blame their husbands' families' lack of social status for what more intelligent people would simply attribute to personality characteristics.

Knowing how to use a fish fork does not make you a better person than those who do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downsides of marrying someone whose family is from wealth and privilege is realizing that America is not at all the meritocracy I thought it was growing up MC, at public schools, etc. The smugness and extreme bubble of the wealthy in DC was eye opening: the social slipstream they exist in because of layers of intergenerational wealth and connections is astounding. How they often break rules or feel the rules don’t apply to them. The self assuredness that comes from knowing there is always a safety net for financial security, or a “back channel” for weaving around barriers most unconnected people would find in their way. The way they justify their lavish lifestyles to themselves, or are often not at all shocked at the corruption, cheating and unfair practices they participate in but don’t really acknowledge. Plus, classist and racist viewpoints and seeing lower class people as just tools toward their ends. Sorry that sounds harsh but it’s been my experience!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

This has been my experience too. I’m from a wealthier background and much more frugal then my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how serious this thread is going to be, but I’ll share. I was in a LTR with a guy from a slightly different american class. Both of our families had similar amounts of income and considered ourselves middle class, but we behaved very differently. Once we attended his friend’s out of town wedding. There was a five hour break between wedding and reception. I wanted to go to Panera; he and his friends wanted to go to McDonald’s because he said his friends weren’t rich snobs like my friends and couldn’t afford Panera (they made more money than I did at my nonprofit job). The meal costs were about the same, but as a vegetarian, there wasn’t much I could eat at McDonald’s. When his mom married for the fourth time, her husband took us out on his boat. We were all expected to bring beer - lots of it. So there were four of us on a boat in 95 degree weather, with a case of beer. Later we drove across state lines to go gambling. It was little behaviors like this about food, alcohol, and how to spend leisure time that caused big fractures in our relationship.

I don't get the beer/boat story at all. What is wrong with being on a boat with a case of beer? I grew up solidly UMC and would probably bring beer or white claws if invited on a friend/relative's boat.

The boat was the wedding. Bring a case of beer, hang on the boat, and watch us get married.

I mean, good for them? But really, the equivalent of a kegger on a boat is not a nice wedding. Especially when you're asking your guests to stock the bar!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

This has been my experience too. I’m from a wealthier background and much more frugal then my DH.

People from UMC/low-key wealthy backgrounds know that you stay rich by spending less than you make, buying quality items that will last decades, investing smartly, etc. A dollar spent today is forfeiting many multiples of that in future income if invested wisely.

I used to go out clubbing with my friends. When I saw what normal people were spending on bottle service and VIP seats, I just shook my head. I would see normal middle class folks spending a couple grand in a night on over-priced booze. Such a massive waste of money.

[Anonymous]

Is this Downton Abbey? Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny, I grew up UMC/UC and married someone who grew up LC (family of immigrants, lived in public housing). If anything, I have the opposite problem - he is more fancy than me in terms of spending habits. My parents spent a lot of money on properties, vacations, and activities, but not a lot on things like designer clothes, cars, tech, etc. I inherited that, and to me things like designer bags and flashy new cars are tacky and a waste of money. I don't need to upgrade my phone just bc there is a new one out. I think bc his family grew up with no money, they are more into conspicuous consumption.

I think he has sort of come around to my way of thinking now (or maybe he is just happy that he doesn't have to spend $4000 on a purse for me every Christmas, like his sister's husband).

This has been my experience too. I’m from a wealthier background and much more frugal then my DH.

People from UMC/low-key wealthy backgrounds know that you stay rich by spending less than you make, buying quality items that will last decades, investing smartly, etc. A dollar spent today is forfeiting many multiples of that in future income if invested wisely.

I used to go out clubbing with my friends. When I saw what normal people were spending on bottle service and VIP seats, I just shook my head. I would see normal middle class folks spending a couple grand in a night on over-priced booze. Such a massive waste of money.

That one always makes me laugh. Usually it's made to justify purchasing something absurdly expensive compared to equivalents. Can you come up with any luxury item where this holds true? Purses are where you hear it the most, but you'd have to burn through quite a few $500 bags before you can justify a $7,500 bag that way. Just spend money on what you like, but don't try to convince others that you are actually being a spendthrift because your coat will be passed down to your grand kids one day.