Ramifications of marrying outside of your social class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:haha. I feel like I'm on team husband here, being pretty cheap as a former LMC myself. But the biggest downside of marrying "up" is that the in laws will ALWAYS look down on me. They think their son should have married a good looking wife instead of an intelligent one. His stepmother carries a purse that cost something like $12K and I think she is a moron for it, and she doesn't understand why I carry a beat up canvas bag from TJ Maxx.

There could be middle ground between a 12K handbag and a cheap canvas bag from an off-price retailer. Looking cheap to make a point doesn't make you look good either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What have been some downsides to marrying outside your social class?

I grew up UC/UMC and my dh grew up MC/LMC. There are some cultural differences that become annoying such as the following:

- He thinks everything is expensive and does not have reasonable ideas about cost and quality. He will always go for the cheapest thing
- Horrible taste in food. He will buy these frozen prepared foods from Wegmans and think it is healthy
- Dresses in graphic T-shirts and jeans and a baseball cap. ALL THE TIME!
- Has a chip on his shoulder about "rich people" and higher education

Social class? Are you from 1800's England? There is no social class and certainly no one is better than others for being lucky to have more opportunities. If someone thinks it makes them better, you don't want to be that person or their delusion of grandeur.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha. I feel like I'm on team husband here, being pretty cheap as a former LMC myself. But the biggest downside of marrying "up" is that the in laws will ALWAYS look down on me. They think their son should have married a good looking wife instead of an intelligent one. His stepmother carries a purse that cost something like $12K and I think she is a moron for it, and she doesn't understand why I carry a beat up canvas bag from TJ Maxx.

There could be middle ground between a 12K handbag and a cheap canvas bag from an off-price retailer. Looking cheap to make a point doesn't make you look good either.

If it’s utilitarian and supposed to be disposable and easily replaced, cheap is good. Like driving an old Corolla is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me: UC. DH: UMC but after a nasty divorce with his parents, LC

-Food
-Teaching him about passports
-Traveling (he had never left his state and I have been all around the world with my family)
-Understanding how to invest in future opportunities for our children now ( summer program, equestrian and archery camps, clinics and competitions, enrichment experiences)
-Traveling experiences for family
-Clothes

Lol, archery camps! You forgot about polo games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the lower MC/poor white trash drama that will pop up years later. Affairs, addictions, divorced, abuse. His dude of the family and his home town was rampant with it. He got out, went to a top university, looked and played the part when i met him, but at midlife resorted to the drinking and cheating and entitled BS he learned growing up. The woman he had the affair with was just as Jerry Springer and also wrapped in a package above her standing.

What?

Yep. The mid life crisis men always find their way back down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His family was always jealous of our money and believed it much more than we really had. As if just being upper middle class made you extremely wealthy when in reality it isn't that different from middle class. I think this played a large part in our marriage's downfall although on the most prevalent issue.

He ended up abusing my money with no repercussions from his family. Took out credit cards without telling me and ran us into debt. Once the sister was saying she was really busy with his mom and I offered to help and she showed me all the projects she wanted me to fund. She lived in the home at no expense to take care of the parents. Also asked me to fund a trip overseas. I had meant maybe I can get my husband to call more and send care packages.

The bigger issues were that he couldn't relate to any of my friends. He loved the lifestyle and thought our friends were nice but couldn't converse well and make any really strong friends. He also just had a lot of bad habits that I didn't pick up on during the courtship and his mind started to deteriorate as he grew older. Maybe this could happen to anyone but eventually found out he had a lot of mental health issues. So the biggest issue I've found is that a lot of poorer people have mental health issues which makes marriage difficult. This also happened to another friend of mine and I've now seen how many adopted children from poorer families have mental health issues so these seems to be a recurring trend during my lifetime.

This actually isn’t the case. Mental health problems are distributed fairly evenly among the classes.

There is no way they are evenly distributed. I'll have to do some sleuthing to prove but just common sense and general reading and history has proved this wrong. Maybe some people don't have the means to get help but there is no way that upper middle class people have the same amount and intensity of mental health problems as the lower classes.

This isn’t true at all. Studies also show that upper middle class kids are far more likely to do drugs than poor and working class kids. You’re experiencing cognitive dissonance which is why it’s Hard for you to believe.

I also believe you’re a troll.

Not a troll. And basic real estate proves that poor neighborhoods have more crime and are more unsafe. Not desirable.

Hahaha, take a look at the SAT testing accommodations, eating disorders, gender stuff, etc - going by those metrics, it's the rich neighborhoods where all the mental illnesses are brewing.

What are you talking about? Special Ed is way higher at Lewis than Langley. Probably the same for all the other things you’ve mentioned not to mention a good part of Langley boundary is at TJ or private schools. Lewis and Mount Vernon are around 20 percent college readiness and Langley is close to 90%. Yeah people are really clamoring to get away from Langley to go to Lewis and Mount Vernon because of the mental health issues in the rich neighborhoods. You are living in a dream world that some how lines up every poor person with every positive attribute and ever rich person with every negative attribute and the world just doesn’t work that way.

[Anonymous]

What are you talking about? Special Ed is way higher at Lewis than Langley. Probably the same for all the other things you’ve mentioned not to mention a good part of Langley boundary is at TJ or private schools. Lewis and Mount Vernon are around 20 percent college readiness and Langley is close to 90%. Yeah people are really clamoring to get away from Langley to go to Lewis and Mount Vernon because of the mental health issues in the rich neighborhoods. You are living in a dream world that some how lines up every poor person with every positive attribute and ever rich person with every negative attribute and the world just doesn’t work that way.

What are you talking about?

How many more Langley kids have tutors, prep classes, and family connections that help them get into college than the kids from Mount Vernon do?

It is an insult to everyone reading your post to imply that wealth does not help children achieve academically.

Do not believe it? Let's try this. Let's send 200 kids from Langley to Anacostia High and bring 200 students from there here. The kids that go Anacostia can only use the resources that the parents of the new Langley students can afford. On average, college readiness for the students originally from Anacostia would go up and the readiness for the students from Langley would go down.

Look around downtown McLean and see all the businesses helping children learn junior and high school subject matter. You cannot be angry at wealthy parents wanting to help their children. However, you cannot be stupid enough to pretend its only merit that makes the difference between going to Langley and going on to college and going to Mount Vernon

[Anonymous]

I don’t. This is not as much about innate abilities as it is about upbringing. Those classes btw are hard for the student too, not just money. It’s like an extra school. Granted I do believe more special Ed children are poorer because that’s what the studies show that trauma breeds born trauma, but it’s also about how people grow up and what standards they create for themselves as a result of their upbringing. I once met a woman from middle Virginia who said she got Ds in school but still got into UVA but then decided not to go and went to the local community college and became a hairdresser. In her 30s she had a boyfriend, not a husband. It was much easier to get into college from her school than Langley because UVA lowered their college readiness bar for her, but most kids from Langley don’t opt for her lifestyle. However you cut it Langley kids for the most part are not slackers and druggies and they are ready for college and ready to prepare their children for college.

[Anonymous]

And it’s interesting that you didn’t mention the Anacostia kids going to Langley and getting the option to take additional classes for free. How many of them do you think would do that?

[Anonymous]

I don’t. This is not as much about innate abilities as it is about upbringing. Those classes btw are hard for the student too, not just money.

Having money to spend on resources like tutors makes it easier to perform in difficult classes. That is why people hire them. A student will do better by working 10 extra hours a week with a tutor on a subject than by working 10 extra hours without one.

It’s like an extra school. Granted I do believe more special Ed children are poorer because that’s what the studies show that trauma breeds born trauma, but it’s also about how people grow up and what standards they create for themselves as a result of their upbringing.

Are you saying that the people from poorer parts of this area did not create the standards for themselves that would allow them to provide opportunities (such as tutors) that the people from the richer parts of NoVA can? You can have very high standards for yourself and your children and still not be able to afford specialized help such as tutors and prep courses.

I once met a woman from middle Virginia who said she got Ds in school but still got into UVA but then decided not to go and went to the local community college and became a hairdresser. In her 30s she had a boyfriend, not a husband. It was much easier to get into college from her school than Langley because UVA lowered their college readiness bar for her, but most kids from Langley don’t opt for her lifestyle.

So what?

However you cut it Langley kids for the most part are not slackers and druggies and they are ready for college and ready to prepare their children for college.

When did I say or imply that Langley kids were slackers and druggies? My kids went to Langley. You need to stay on point.

Do I think my kids had it easier growing up in McLean than they would have growing up in Anaconstia? Yes, I do.

[Anonymous]

And it’s interesting that you didn’t mention the Anacostia kids going to Langley and getting the option to take additional classes for free.

What are you talking about?

Tell us, do children receive a better education (in terms of resources, etc.) at Langley High or Anacostia?

How many of them do you think would do that?

I bet many would take extra classes if they could do so. And by afford to do so, I would include the kids who are working part-time jobs to help support themselves and their families.

The entire tone of your posts implies that the children in poorer schools do not work as hard as the students in wealthier schools.

However: Six out of 10 of the teenagers identified in the [Urban Institute] study [of low-income families] earned less than $10,000 a year working in restaurants, on construction sites, cleaning buildings, among other things. A third of the kids contribute more than 20 percent of the total annual income of their households, a tenth contributed more than 50 percent, the study said. See: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/04/16/an-alarming-number-of-teenagers-are-quitting-school-to-work-heres-how-to-help-them/

[Anonymous]

They don’t work harder at school. The attendance rates and passing rates and honors and AP classes are all low. Many high schoolers have jobs making $10k a year. And no they don’t receive a better education at Langley than at a poorer school. The poorer school always gets more money even when factoring in PTA funds. They also often have as good if not better teachers. It’s not the school. It’s the students. All I’m saying is that lifestyle has different expectations that carry forward into adulthood. If you want to be blind to it your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t. This is not as much about innate abilities as it is about upbringing. Those classes btw are hard for the student too, not just money.

Having money to spend on resources like tutors makes it easier to perform in difficult classes. That is why people hire them. A student will do better by working 10 extra hours a week with a tutor on a subject than by working 10 extra hours without one.

It’s like an extra school. Granted I do believe more special Ed children are poorer because that’s what the studies show that trauma breeds born trauma, but it’s also about how people grow up and what standards they create for themselves as a result of their upbringing.

Are you saying that the people from poorer parts of this area did not create the standards for themselves that would allow them to provide opportunities (such as tutors) that the people from the richer parts of NoVA can? You can have very high standards for yourself and your children and still not be able to afford specialized help such as tutors and prep courses.

I once met a woman from middle Virginia who said she got Ds in school but still got into UVA but then decided not to go and went to the local community college and became a hairdresser. In her 30s she had a boyfriend, not a husband. It was much easier to get into college from her school than Langley because UVA lowered their college readiness bar for her, but most kids from Langley don’t opt for her lifestyle.

So what?

However you cut it Langley kids for the most part are not slackers and druggies and they are ready for college and ready to prepare their children for college.

When did I say or imply that Langley kids were slackers and druggies? My kids went to Langley. You need to stay on point.

Do I think my kids had it easier growing up in McLean than they would have growing up in Anaconstia? Yes, I do.

Someone implied that Rich Kids did more drugs and got in trouble more. They don’t.

[Anonymous]

And my other point was that poorer students in Virginia already get college breaks and don’t take them.

[Anonymous]

And yes many people do not have high standards for education. All you have to do is look at the news to know this.