Ramifications of marrying outside of your social class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your question assumes UC or "UMC" is somehow "better." The jury's still out on that one.

Statistically the more money you have, the more selfish and entitled you are.

[Anonymous]

Downsides of marrying someone whose family is from wealth and privilege is realizing that America is not at all the meritocracy I thought it was growing up MC, at public schools, etc. The smugness and extreme bubble of the wealthy in DC was eye opening: the social slipstream they exist in because of layers of intergenerational wealth and connections is astounding. How they often break rules or feel the rules don’t apply to them. The self assuredness that comes from knowing there is always a safety net for financial security, or a “back channel” for weaving around barriers most unconnected people would find in their way. The way they justify their lavish lifestyles to themselves, or are often not at all shocked at the corruption, cheating and unfair practices they participate in but don’t really acknowledge. Plus, classist and racist viewpoints and seeing lower class people as just tools toward their ends. Sorry that sounds harsh but it’s been my experience!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downsides of marrying someone whose family is from wealth and privilege is realizing that America is not at all the meritocracy I thought it was growing up MC, at public schools, etc. The smugness and extreme bubble of the wealthy in DC was eye opening: the social slipstream they exist in because of layers of intergenerational wealth and connections is astounding. How they often break rules or feel the rules don’t apply to them. The self assuredness that comes from knowing there is always a safety net for financial security, or a “back channel” for weaving around barriers most unconnected people would find in their way. The way they justify their lavish lifestyles to themselves, or are often not at all shocked at the corruption, cheating and unfair practices they participate in but don’t really acknowledge. Plus, classist and racist viewpoints and seeing lower class people as just tools toward their ends. Sorry that sounds harsh but it’s been my experience!

My experience as well in both Philly and DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I grew up poor. We now have a seven figure income.

We don’t think anything is expensive. We like to eat all types of food.

Dh wears t shirts when he is home and comfortable. What else would he wear? He wears a lot of sports t shirts, some college t shirts, free shirts from work, conferences, wherever. It would be odd if he wasn’t wearing a t shirt.

Do you believe you are actually contributing to this conversation or are you just self-centered and stupid?

This poster posts on *every* thread. If I had a seven-figure income, I would enjoy it and not brag about it on DCUM all the time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up LMC in a rich country and DH grew up upper class in a poor country. Downsides for me when visiting his home country are feeling weird with all the staff like 24-7 nannies even though the mom doesn’t work or do any house work. Having not much in common with most of the women (a few do work and l have an easier time talking to them). Feeling weird with all the cocaine and heavy drinking being expected and normal. Feeling weird that mistresses are expected and normal. Feeling weird with his cousins hitting on me. Feeling weird that if you walk anywhere it means you’re poor or a weird foreigner - l like to walk and explore. Ya it’s a lot. I guess it’s not just different social class but also a completely different culture that makes me feel like an alien when l visit.

You didn’t ask for upsides, there are some to compensate.

Cocaine? Mistresses? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downsides of marrying someone whose family is from wealth and privilege is realizing that America is not at all the meritocracy I thought it was growing up MC, at public schools, etc. The smugness and extreme bubble of the wealthy in DC was eye opening: the social slipstream they exist in because of layers of intergenerational wealth and connections is astounding. How they often break rules or feel the rules don’t apply to them. The self assuredness that comes from knowing there is always a safety net for financial security, or a “back channel” for weaving around barriers most unconnected people would find in their way. The way they justify their lavish lifestyles to themselves, or are often not at all shocked at the corruption, cheating and unfair practices they participate in but don’t really acknowledge. Plus, classist and racist viewpoints and seeing lower class people as just tools toward their ends. Sorry that sounds harsh but it’s been my experience!

Didn’t marry into this world but am familiar with it from work. My experience also. You can write a novel with your inside info!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an UMC family and DH in a LMC one. We have been married for 26 years.

On the whole, we have ironed out differences over time. Some of them have been

- He didn't understand why I cared so much about our kids attending LAC schools (he gets it now)
- His table (and other) manners are terrible and he doesn't get social niceties / standard social conventions and interactions
- He doesn't really understand dress clothing, LOL
- He has a chip on his shoulder about "rich people" but has softened a lot on that over the years (and periodically I remind him that he is UMC now so should mind his Ps and Qs, LOL)

Off topic perhaps but wondered about your preference for LAC schools...is this just about opening up professional opportunities for the kids later? I thought this meant "liberal arts college" but I think you're referring to "language across curriculum"...if so what was your position on this with your H?

Liberal arts college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up LMC in a rich country and DH grew up upper class in a poor country. Downsides for me when visiting his home country are feeling weird with all the staff like 24-7 nannies even though the mom doesn’t work or do any house work. Having not much in common with most of the women (a few do work and l have an easier time talking to them). Feeling weird with all the cocaine and heavy drinking being expected and normal. Feeling weird that mistresses are expected and normal. Feeling weird with his cousins hitting on me. Feeling weird that if you walk anywhere it means you’re poor or a weird foreigner - l like to walk and explore. Ya it’s a lot. I guess it’s not just different social class but also a completely different culture that makes me feel like an alien when l visit.

You didn’t ask for upsides, there are some to compensate.

Cocaine? Mistresses? Really?

Really. Of his 3 best friends growing up 2 do coke regularity. His dad’s dad had a long term mistress and 2 kids that are like part of the family. It’s not a scandal just normal.

[Anonymous]

A lot of it is personality driven.

If we're talking strictly about taste, it can be cultivated later in life, but a person needs to have the sensibility to appreciate finer things.

My mom came from an upper class family. She had a very pragmatic personality, was not artistic, and coarse in her manners. My dad came from the opposite end of the spectrum, was the first in his family to get a college degree (and beyond). He was well read and artistic by nature, and would be at home with many upper class pursuits. You would never guess which one of them came from which class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up LMC in a rich country and DH grew up upper class in a poor country. Downsides for me when visiting his home country are feeling weird with all the staff like 24-7 nannies even though the mom doesn’t work or do any house work. Having not much in common with most of the women (a few do work and l have an easier time talking to them). Feeling weird with all the cocaine and heavy drinking being expected and normal. Feeling weird that mistresses are expected and normal. Feeling weird with his cousins hitting on me. Feeling weird that if you walk anywhere it means you’re poor or a weird foreigner - l like to walk and explore. Ya it’s a lot. I guess it’s not just different social class but also a completely different culture that makes me feel like an alien when l visit.

You didn’t ask for upsides, there are some to compensate.

Cocaine? Mistresses? Really?

Guessing this is Colombia or somewhere in Central America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up LMC in a rich country and DH grew up upper class in a poor country. Downsides for me when visiting his home country are feeling weird with all the staff like 24-7 nannies even though the mom doesn’t work or do any house work. Having not much in common with most of the women (a few do work and l have an easier time talking to them). Feeling weird with all the cocaine and heavy drinking being expected and normal. Feeling weird that mistresses are expected and normal. Feeling weird with his cousins hitting on me. Feeling weird that if you walk anywhere it means you’re poor or a weird foreigner - l like to walk and explore. Ya it’s a lot. I guess it’s not just different social class but also a completely different culture that makes me feel like an alien when l visit.

You didn’t ask for upsides, there are some to compensate.

Cocaine? Mistresses? Really?

Guessing this is Colombia or somewhere in Central America.

I went to Brown and the worst coke heads were from Spence School. There were a handful of Latin Americans and none of them were into drugs. Actually, most of them were Jewish and pretty religious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

All of the lower MC/poor white trash drama that will pop up years later. Affairs, addictions, divorced, abuse. His dude of the family and his home town was rampant with it. He got out, went to a top university, looked and played the part when i met him, but at midlife resorted to the drinking and cheating and entitled BS he learned growing up. The woman he had the affair with was just as Jerry Springer and also wrapped in a package above her standing.

This post is stupid.

News flash: UMC families struggle with affairs, addictions, abuse, and divorce.

OP: The issue is not that he is LMC. It is that you think you are (much) better than he is simply because your parents had more money than his parents did.

+1
This exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downsides of marrying someone whose family is from wealth and privilege is realizing that America is not at all the meritocracy I thought it was growing up MC, at public schools, etc. The smugness and extreme bubble of the wealthy in DC was eye opening: the social slipstream they exist in because of layers of intergenerational wealth and connections is astounding. How they often break rules or feel the rules don’t apply to them. The self assuredness that comes from knowing there is always a safety net for financial security, or a “back channel” for weaving around barriers most unconnected people would find in their way. The way they justify their lavish lifestyles to themselves, or are often not at all shocked at the corruption, cheating and unfair practices they participate in but don’t really acknowledge. Plus, classist and racist viewpoints and seeing lower class people as just tools toward their ends. Sorry that sounds harsh but it’s been my experience!

This is also my exp in a major company here. I worked in a few soul-sucking places in nyc before but this place takes the crown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What have been some downsides to marrying outside your social class?

I grew up UC/UMC and my dh grew up MC/LMC. There are some cultural differences that become annoying such as the following:

- He thinks everything is expensive and does not have reasonable ideas about cost and quality. He will always go for the cheapest thing
- Horrible taste in food. He will buy these frozen prepared foods from Wegmans and think it is healthy
- Dresses in graphic T-shirts and jeans and a baseball cap. ALL THE TIME!
- Has a chip on his shoulder about "rich people" and higher education

Idk why you married him but it seems you don't like him and likely this marriage isn'g going to last long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If his exposure to upper class people is you, I understand the chip on his shoulder.

+1