Am I the only one not crazy about the idea of a nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very defensive daycare mothers on this thread. Tiresome at best.

Huh. I read this exactly the opposite. Tons of defensive nanny moms and nannies themselves. I mean, why on earth would all these panicked posters post about how great nannies are in a thread that asks whether people don’t want nannies. And I have had a nanny for ten years, but I sure wouldn’t enter a thread asking people if they were meh about daycare and talk about how great daycare is. That is the hallmark of tiresome defensiveness. If people were actually happy with their nannies instead of just defensive, they wouldn’t bother posting in this thread.

Yes, you’re said this several times already. OP is hesitant about sharing her space with a nanny which is very different than not wanting or needing one. In a forum dedicated to “childcare other than daycare”, I don’t even know why the daycare moms are here.

You can’t malign an entire profession without getting blowback. Especially from those of us who love our nannies and love what they do for our children.

Actually, I’ve never said anything like what I wrote above in this thread. Maybe someone else did, because of course it is a logical and correct point. And I’m not a daycare mom (as I said, I have employed a nanny for ten years). I’m just not so hyper-defensive about nannies that I freak out at the idea that someone might not like having one. I have had a great nanny experience. But my friend who came home unexpectedly one day to find her nanny screaming at her cowering and terrified child, well, I’m not going to invalidate her experience. It is okay that my friend will never hire a nanny again. I support her in that, even as I value my own nanny experience. I guess you would invalidate a friend who went through the same thing, because obviously never hearing a bad word about nannies as a concept is more important to you than a suffering friend, but I won’t.

It is bizarre to me how much you feel compelled to lash out at women who don’t share your exact experience. Guess what, not everyone is going to like nannies. It does not take anything away from your childcare choices to have someone disagree on the best approach. Stop being so incredibly hyper defensive.

What I find bizarre is that you are insistent and hyper defensive on daycare for your children that you lash out at all nannies. We understand that you can’t afford a good nanny. And that’s okay.

Oh! You are slow! I’m sorry, I was making the assumption you had normal intelligence, but I see that was wrong. I’m sorry, I guess I was wrong to assume you could understand basic text on a page.

As I have now said multiple times (but I understand you probably need things repeated to understand them) I have employed a nanny for ten years. I do not use daycare (though I see nothing wrong with it). Here is new information (I am flagging this explicitly as new information since you have a hard time understanding): my nanny is with us full time, with full benefits including health care and retirement contributions.

Secondly, again understanding your capacity, so I will try to be clear here, pointing out that it is okay that not all families want a nanny is not lashing out at all nannies. Here is an example for you to help: some families choose to homeschool. That is not a reflection on all teachers. Some families will have had a bad experience with teachers, some just do not like the structure of schools at all. Very few of them view choosing to homeschool as lashing out at all teachers.

Here, we have an OP asking specifically about people who are not crazy about the idea of nannies. Some people don’t like people in their space. Some people had bad experiences. Some people prefer the structure of daycares to nannies. This is all okay. It doesn’t make you a bad mom for having a nanny. You can relax and stop with the insane-sounding hyper defensiveness.

That was probably too many words for you, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never wanted a nanny. Saw too many at the playground on my first maternity leave. Never comfortable with the lack of oversight.

How did you know they were nannies? Because they were Brown? If you saw our nanny in the park running and engaging my son you would assume she was his grandmother and not his nanny because nanny is white and older. If you saw my Costa Rican best friend with her blonde child, you would think she was the nanny (everyone does).

And, btw, I have only heard about the “lack of oversight” here and never in real life.

DP but come on. It is very easy to figure out who is a nanny. Sure, there might be certain situations where someone makes an assumption one way or another, but usually it's very obvious. And it's not just demographics, though yes, if I see a 50-something Dominican woman with a baby, I assume she's a nanny. Not because I'm racist but because I'm not an idiot. But also nannies have a way of doing things that makes it obvious. All the nannies in my neighborhood know each other. They help each other a little with each other's charges. Often at the playground, the nannies will get there around the same time (they arrange this in advance) and sit together and get their kids on the same schedule. Often they speak to each other in a non-English native language (and since I speak Spanish but they might not realize this, I can also listen to them gossip about their employers or their own families). If you are on mat leave or a SAHM and go to playgrounds, story times, music classes for babies, etc., you quickly learn to identify nannies. It's not rocket science.

Anyway, given that I am very good at spotting a nanny, I can tell you that the PP is not incorrect. Nannies engage in a LOT of benign neglect, generally. There are some exceptions -- I've met some nannies who really get down with the kids and play with them a lot and interact with them. But the average nanny in my neighborhood is not like this. Most of them are on their phone a lot or talking to there nannies. At playgrounds they do a lot of sitting with fellow nannies, or sitting on a bench on their phone, and encouraging the kids to play on their own. They do their jobs, don't get me wrong -- they make sure the kids get appropriately times snacks, they deal with playground altercations or injuries, they apply sunscreen and provide water, they check in on potty needs, etc. They don't neglect. But they aren't interacting with the kids that much. They definitely look to find schedules that allow for them to spend much of the day around other nannies with similar age kids so the kids can play together and the nannies can talk or use their phones or whatever. I'm sure they interact with their charges more at other times of the day (especially when at home and around their employers) but often I'd be around the same group of nannies for hours and hours (from a 9am story time through play time at a nearby playground, lunch at that playground, until we all took kids home for naps) and I'd be interacting with my child a LOT more during that time than they did. Not a judgment just an observation.

A lot of people prefer nannies because it's more convenient for the parents. You don't have to pack anything or even get your kid ready for the day. No commute. Nannies will often do some housework and food prep for the kid, which is amazing.

But sometimes I see people talking about how they value a nanny because it means more one-on-one interacting for their kid than they might get in daycare. That's definitely true for babies. But once they can walk, it's over. Your mobile child will probably get more direct oversight in a daycare than with a nanny, even with the much higher child to worker ratio. Because in a daycare, the workers are doing things all day. They schedule art projects, do schedules story times, etc. Daycare workers are never going to get away with spending hours a day on their phones while handing out snacks when necessary. They have to be much more hands on that that. If daycares operated the way most of the nannies in my neighborhood operate, with that degree of benign neglect, they'd probably get shut down.

That's why when my 1 year leave was over, my kid went to a (terrific, small, well-run) daycare instead of a nanny. I would hire a nanny for an infant in a heartbeat if I couldn't stay home with my baby -- my preference would be one-on-one, at-home care for a child until they can crawl very well and are interacting with their play space a lot. But by 1 year and definitely by 18 months, I think daycares make more sense, personally, and I really don't think the extra cost of a nanny makes sense except insofar as it's more convenient for parents. But not from a childcare perspective. Daycares are GREAT for toddlers.

Interesting.

I'm 36, white, speak Spanish with a non-native accent. I'm also a nanny who is constantly expected to be the parent.

Frankly, a nanny should be playing with the child at home, but unless the child is not walking, they shouldn't be playing with them at the playground. That space is specifically designed for child-child interaction. I encourage my charges to play next to or with other children. I keep an eagle eye on them as toddlers and preschoolers, less so as they get older, but I'm constantly aware of what they're doing and where. That means (as an example, one of the many times I've been accused of ignoring the kids) if I'm ordering the cupcakes for the middle child's birthday in two weeks, I know that the 3yo is swinging on my left, 7yo is in the center playing tag with other children and 5yo is on my right playing with another child with trucks; I have pictures and videos that I take throughout the time we're at the park, and most of my charges behave like they're capable and not being watched, even when they are supervised well. I'm the first off the bench when *any* child is hurt, and I don't want to count how many parents have been thankful that I pack first aid (and know how to respond to scrapes vs emergencies), extra water, extra sunscreen, extra gloves, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former SAHM here -
I saw many incredibly lazy nannies in the parks everyday. Not interested in lifting the kid out of the stroller to practice walking, but rather shoving bags of snacks at the child meanwhile yapping on the phone and jiggling the stroller with their leg to keep the kid somewhat entertained.
Or they are shopping at TJ Maxx and shoving bags of chips at the child in the stroller to keep the kid busy.
The other day on the subway I saw a 2 year old in the stroller quietly looking at her hands for a strange amount of time. I thought maybe she is starting to nap. Then I realized she was watching a video on a screen. She had two nannies pushing the stroller, but apparently the child needs a screen too.
Both of my kids rode the subway 3x/week for daycare and we never needed a screen as there was either a lot to look at or the moving train lulled them into napping.

Somebody else told me that the nanny she hired stole household goods from them.
Back when urbanbaby was a thing, there was the nanny who administered Benadryl to get the kid to nap - everyday.

Believe me, kids as young as pre-school are clued in to nanny vs parent dynamics. Kids with nannies know they will have playdates with other kids with nannies, and the kids with parents in tow are aware if parents become friends that there is great likelihood of many playdates with that parent's child in the future. There is almost no crossover with parent / nanny playdates. I was surprised that my son told me this about his preschool friends when he was 4 years old.

So OP, I'm with you. I'm not crazy about the idea of a nanny either.

Interesting. I don't care who the adult attached to the child is (re: play dates). I do care how the child behaves and whether play dates are scheduled only to be canceled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never wanted a nanny. Saw too many at the playground on my first maternity leave. Never comfortable with the lack of oversight.

How did you know they were nannies? Because they were Brown? If you saw our nanny in the park running and engaging my son you would assume she was his grandmother and not his nanny because nanny is white and older. If you saw my Costa Rican best friend with her blonde child, you would think she was the nanny (everyone does).

And, btw, I have only heard about the “lack of oversight” here and never in real life.

DP but come on. It is very easy to figure out who is a nanny. Sure, there might be certain situations where someone makes an assumption one way or another, but usually it's very obvious. And it's not just demographics, though yes, if I see a 50-something Dominican woman with a baby, I assume she's a nanny. Not because I'm racist but because I'm not an idiot. But also nannies have a way of doing things that makes it obvious. All the nannies in my neighborhood know each other. They help each other a little with each other's charges. Often at the playground, the nannies will get there around the same time (they arrange this in advance) and sit together and get their kids on the same schedule. Often they speak to each other in a non-English native language (and since I speak Spanish but they might not realize this, I can also listen to them gossip about their employers or their own families). If you are on mat leave or a SAHM and go to playgrounds, story times, music classes for babies, etc., you quickly learn to identify nannies. It's not rocket science.

Anyway, given that I am very good at spotting a nanny, I can tell you that the PP is not incorrect. Nannies engage in a LOT of benign neglect, generally. There are some exceptions -- I've met some nannies who really get down with the kids and play with them a lot and interact with them. But the average nanny in my neighborhood is not like this. Most of them are on their phone a lot or talking to there nannies. At playgrounds they do a lot of sitting with fellow nannies, or sitting on a bench on their phone, and encouraging the kids to play on their own. They do their jobs, don't get me wrong -- they make sure the kids get appropriately times snacks, they deal with playground altercations or injuries, they apply sunscreen and provide water, they check in on potty needs, etc. They don't neglect. But they aren't interacting with the kids that much. They definitely look to find schedules that allow for them to spend much of the day around other nannies with similar age kids so the kids can play together and the nannies can talk or use their phones or whatever. I'm sure they interact with their charges more at other times of the day (especially when at home and around their employers) but often I'd be around the same group of nannies for hours and hours (from a 9am story time through play time at a nearby playground, lunch at that playground, until we all took kids home for naps) and I'd be interacting with my child a LOT more during that time than they did. Not a judgment just an observation.

A lot of people prefer nannies because it's more convenient for the parents. You don't have to pack anything or even get your kid ready for the day. No commute. Nannies will often do some housework and food prep for the kid, which is amazing.

But sometimes I see people talking about how they value a nanny because it means more one-on-one interacting for their kid than they might get in daycare. That's definitely true for babies. But once they can walk, it's over. Your mobile child will probably get more direct oversight in a daycare than with a nanny, even with the much higher child to worker ratio. Because in a daycare, the workers are doing things all day. They schedule art projects, do schedules story times, etc. Daycare workers are never going to get away with spending hours a day on their phones while handing out snacks when necessary. They have to be much more hands on that that. If daycares operated the way most of the nannies in my neighborhood operate, with that degree of benign neglect, they'd probably get shut down.

That's why when my 1 year leave was over, my kid went to a (terrific, small, well-run) daycare instead of a nanny. I would hire a nanny for an infant in a heartbeat if I couldn't stay home with my baby -- my preference would be one-on-one, at-home care for a child until they can crawl very well and are interacting with their play space a lot. But by 1 year and definitely by 18 months, I think daycares make more sense, personally, and I really don't think the extra cost of a nanny makes sense except insofar as it's more convenient for parents. But not from a childcare perspective. Daycares are GREAT for toddlers.

DP. Yes, when I stayed home, it was trivially easy to tell who the nannies were at the parks, because they were there in groups. I speak one of the languages often spoken as well.

I think the people insisting that it is impossible to tell who is a nanny absent a racist component have not actually spent long days at the parks. They really do not know what they are talking about.

Guys, all nannies are not Latina. I’m an American blonde nanny and everyone assumes I am my charge’s mother. While I do see groups of Latina nannies talking and congregating, all the ones I see still have an eye on their charges. And they are most likely earning $10 less an hour than my college educated, American nanny friends. You don’t see us because you think we’re moms and grandmas.

Jesus you are condescending. It is usually obvious who the nannies are, including the American born ones. Sorry this bothers you, but it is true.

Unless my charge wants to arrange a play date, so they need me to meet the other child and their adult, nobody knows. Sorry, they don't, they're *always* surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very defensive daycare mothers on this thread. Tiresome at best.

Huh. I read this exactly the opposite. Tons of defensive nanny moms and nannies themselves. I mean, why on earth would all these panicked posters post about how great nannies are in a thread that asks whether people don’t want nannies. And I have had a nanny for ten years, but I sure wouldn’t enter a thread asking people if they were meh about daycare and talk about how great daycare is. That is the hallmark of tiresome defensiveness. If people were actually happy with their nannies instead of just defensive, they wouldn’t bother posting in this thread.

Yes, you’re said this several times already. OP is hesitant about sharing her space with a nanny which is very different than not wanting or needing one. In a forum dedicated to “childcare other than daycare”, I don’t even know why the daycare moms are here.

You can’t malign an entire profession without getting blowback. Especially from those of us who love our nannies and love what they do for our children.

Actually, I’ve never said anything like what I wrote above in this thread. Maybe someone else did, because of course it is a logical and correct point. And I’m not a daycare mom (as I said, I have employed a nanny for ten years). I’m just not so hyper-defensive about nannies that I freak out at the idea that someone might not like having one. I have had a great nanny experience. But my friend who came home unexpectedly one day to find her nanny screaming at her cowering and terrified child, well, I’m not going to invalidate her experience. It is okay that my friend will never hire a nanny again. I support her in that, even as I value my own nanny experience. I guess you would invalidate a friend who went through the same thing, because obviously never hearing a bad word about nannies as a concept is more important to you than a suffering friend, but I won’t.

It is bizarre to me how much you feel compelled to lash out at women who don’t share your exact experience. Guess what, not everyone is going to like nannies. It does not take anything away from your childcare choices to have someone disagree on the best approach. Stop being so incredibly hyper defensive.

What I find bizarre is that you are insistent and hyper defensive on daycare for your children that you lash out at all nannies. We understand that you can’t afford a good nanny. And that’s okay.

Oh! You are slow! I’m sorry, I was making the assumption you had normal intelligence, but I see that was wrong. I’m sorry, I guess I was wrong to assume you could understand basic text on a page.

As I have now said multiple times (but I understand you probably need things repeated to understand them) I have employed a nanny for ten years. I do not use daycare (though I see nothing wrong with it). Here is new information (I am flagging this explicitly as new information since you have a hard time understanding): my nanny is with us full time, with full benefits including health care and retirement contributions.

Secondly, again understanding your capacity, so I will try to be clear here, pointing out that it is okay that not all families want a nanny is not lashing out at all nannies. Here is an example for you to help: some families choose to homeschool. That is not a reflection on all teachers. Some families will have had a bad experience with teachers, some just do not like the structure of schools at all. Very few of them view choosing to homeschool as lashing out at all teachers.

Here, we have an OP asking specifically about people who are not crazy about the idea of nannies. Some people don’t like people in their space. Some people had bad experiences. Some people prefer the structure of daycares to nannies. This is all okay. It doesn’t make you a bad mom for having a nanny. You can relax and stop with the insane-sounding hyper defensiveness.

That was probably too many words for you, though.

Preach. Different people want different things. Imagine that!

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny but I get it. I personally prefer not to work for parents who WFH/SAH parents that will be home while I'm there. It's like having your boss in your cubicle.

[Anonymous]

I felt this way and did not enjoy having a nanny while WFH. Had one for a few months. She was helpful but I preferred the warm weather when she would take my child to the park and they were out of my hair. I started daycare when she left

[Anonymous]

If you are an introvert and WFH, you should not have a nanny unless your house is big enough so that you can work in a separate area.

[Anonymous]

Only hire a nanny if you can find a really good one. I love ours. She has her strengths and limitations and luckily those complement ours so DCs get a full spectrum. DH and I both WFH and find that she pays them a little too much attention so I actually ask her to practice some benign neglect occasionally so that DCs learn how to play independently. She does play dates with other nannies and with SAHMs. The other moms (the SAHMs and some of the employers of the other nannies who WFH) tell us how awesome she is. I can tell based on her words and actions how much she loves DCs and puts them first (sometimes too much so, as I said earlier).

HOWEVER, I’ve seen some pretty terrible nannies as well. Lazy, uncreative, and borderline neglectful. Some of the parents employing them are rich, more so than us. I wonder how they are so blind, or whether they are too cheap to pay for someone better.

[Anonymous]

I personally think if you have the financial means to pay an in-home Nanny then you should by all means do so.

An infant is much too young to be in a daycare setting unless of course if that is the only childcare the parents can afford to pay for.

Even w/an Adult: Child ratio of 1:4 a baby cannot get the attention & engagement that they need at such a young age.
If an adult has the responsibility of caring for say even two newborns, one will always have to wait their turn for something.

They may have to wait to be fed, changed and/or held, etc.

If you have a Nanny - your infant will receive 💯% personal attention.
He will be fed on demand, his diaper will be changed immediately when soiled plus he can be held immediately if he needs soothing.

[Anonymous]

I had a nanny for 4 years. Having to lose her when moving was heartbreaking. I worked from home then all those years. It was great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are an introvert and WFH, you should not have a nanny unless your house is big enough so that you can work in a separate area.

This seems obvious.