Am I the only one not crazy about the idea of a nanny?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I think that's a legitimate concern, and I also think space is a legit concern.

With a nanny, you have to be prepared to have someone working very very closely with you. It's a partnership, and you have to cede a certain amount of control.

My kids are now 15 and 12, and just yesterday I made an African dish our nanny used to make for them that they consider a comfort food. It's easy, it's great that their horizons were broadened in that way, but it's not MY comfort food, you know? They still keep in touch with her (she was their nanny until the youngest was 5) and we see her sometimes (probably not enough for either of them, between covid and just busy lives and activities it's not easy to maintain a relationship with someone).

You need to decide what things matter to you and what don't. I liked that I could rush around and get myself ready in the morning, but I didn't need to wake up kids or get them ready. I liked I didn't have to worry too hard about pick up times. I liked they got individual attention and if they were having a hard day they could chill out at home. I liked that they loved their nanny and if they weren't feeling well she could comfort them.

And, to be perfectly honest- I liked the idea of benign neglect. I didn't want my kids to be scheduled and have "activities" all day long. They get that in school, they didn't need it at 2. And I didn't need daily craft projects or whatever else. There is nothing wrong with benign neglect.

As someone said upthread, I know many people who had au pairs, but I just wasn't interested. I didn't want that responsibility and having someone in my space all the time.

You find what works for you.

That said, your space issue is hard. You really need to think that through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never wanted a nanny. Saw too many at the playground on my first maternity leave. Never comfortable with the lack of oversight.

How did you know they were nannies? Because they were Brown? If you saw our nanny in the park running and engaging my son you would assume she was his grandmother and not his nanny because nanny is white and older. If you saw my Costa Rican best friend with her blonde child, you would think she was the nanny (everyone does).

And, btw, I have only heard about the “lack of oversight” here and never in real life.

DP but come on. It is very easy to figure out who is a nanny. Sure, there might be certain situations where someone makes an assumption one way or another, but usually it's very obvious. And it's not just demographics, though yes, if I see a 50-something Dominican woman with a baby, I assume she's a nanny. Not because I'm racist but because I'm not an idiot. But also nannies have a way of doing things that makes it obvious. All the nannies in my neighborhood know each other. They help each other a little with each other's charges. Often at the playground, the nannies will get there around the same time (they arrange this in advance) and sit together and get their kids on the same schedule. Often they speak to each other in a non-English native language (and since I speak Spanish but they might not realize this, I can also listen to them gossip about their employers or their own families). If you are on mat leave or a SAHM and go to playgrounds, story times, music classes for babies, etc., you quickly learn to identify nannies. It's not rocket science.

Anyway, given that I am very good at spotting a nanny, I can tell you that the PP is not incorrect. Nannies engage in a LOT of benign neglect, generally. There are some exceptions -- I've met some nannies who really get down with the kids and play with them a lot and interact with them. But the average nanny in my neighborhood is not like this. Most of them are on their phone a lot or talking to there nannies. At playgrounds they do a lot of sitting with fellow nannies, or sitting on a bench on their phone, and encouraging the kids to play on their own. They do their jobs, don't get me wrong -- they make sure the kids get appropriately times snacks, they deal with playground altercations or injuries, they apply sunscreen and provide water, they check in on potty needs, etc. They don't neglect. But they aren't interacting with the kids that much. They definitely look to find schedules that allow for them to spend much of the day around other nannies with similar age kids so the kids can play together and the nannies can talk or use their phones or whatever. I'm sure they interact with their charges more at other times of the day (especially when at home and around their employers) but often I'd be around the same group of nannies for hours and hours (from a 9am story time through play time at a nearby playground, lunch at that playground, until we all took kids home for naps) and I'd be interacting with my child a LOT more during that time than they did. Not a judgment just an observation.

A lot of people prefer nannies because it's more convenient for the parents. You don't have to pack anything or even get your kid ready for the day. No commute. Nannies will often do some housework and food prep for the kid, which is amazing.

But sometimes I see people talking about how they value a nanny because it means more one-on-one interacting for their kid than they might get in daycare. That's definitely true for babies. But once they can walk, it's over. Your mobile child will probably get more direct oversight in a daycare than with a nanny, even with the much higher child to worker ratio. Because in a daycare, the workers are doing things all day. They schedule art projects, do schedules story times, etc. Daycare workers are never going to get away with spending hours a day on their phones while handing out snacks when necessary. They have to be much more hands on that that. If daycares operated the way most of the nannies in my neighborhood operate, with that degree of benign neglect, they'd probably get shut down.

That's why when my 1 year leave was over, my kid went to a (terrific, small, well-run) daycare instead of a nanny. I would hire a nanny for an infant in a heartbeat if I couldn't stay home with my baby -- my preference would be one-on-one, at-home care for a child until they can crawl very well and are interacting with their play space a lot. But by 1 year and definitely by 18 months, I think daycares make more sense, personally, and I really don't think the extra cost of a nanny makes sense except insofar as it's more convenient for parents. But not from a childcare perspective. Daycares are GREAT for toddlers.

DP. Yes, when I stayed home, it was trivially easy to tell who the nannies were at the parks, because they were there in groups. I speak one of the languages often spoken as well.

I think the people insisting that it is impossible to tell who is a nanny absent a racist component have not actually spent long days at the parks. They really do not know what they are talking about.

[Anonymous]

I strongly prefer daycare. With a nanny I hated having an employee I needed to “manage” - even the best nanny comes with a level of basic administration. I didn’t like having someone around all day (I wfh) and I prefer the schedule at daycare. Daycare also has great socialization. To each their own but it’s definitely possible to prefer something other than a nanny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there are a lot of nannies who post here who are very defensive. It’s okay to not be comfortable with a nanny. Many people aren’t.

Jesus! And it’s okay to feel comfortable and appreciative of a nanny!

Who’s being defensive? If OP doesn’t have the room in her home she doesn’t have the room. But this defensive rejection of an entire profession due to the “park nanny” meme is ludicrous. If nannies are responding to that tired trope it’s understandable. It’s also racist.

This thread is literally asking for people who didn’t feel comfortable with a nanny. You don’t need to jump in with such weirdly defensive posts about how great nannies are in a thread where OP is asking exactly the opposite. It is perfectly acceptable to not feel comfortable with nannies.

[Anonymous]

A great nanny is better than a mediocre daycare, a great daycare is better than a mediocre nanny, and if you are choosing between an amazing nanny and an amazing daycare I honestly think you should do whatever is most convenient for you as a kid will be happy either way.

We have a nanny now and it works well because I work from home and I have one child under the age of one so I can still nurse him, once he is older and our oldest is in kindergarten we may switch over to daycare if I can find one I love.

If you don’t want someone in your space and you have a great daycare in mind you shouldn’t feel any guilt about taking that route.

[Anonymous]

Where are these parks or playgrounds with all the nannies neglecting their charges?

In all honesty, I have never seen it but I don’t live in DC full time.

For what it’s worth, we have a fantastic nanny who everyone thinks is my kids grandma or mother because she looks like my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never wanted a nanny. Saw too many at the playground on my first maternity leave. Never comfortable with the lack of oversight.

How did you know they were nannies? Because they were Brown? If you saw our nanny in the park running and engaging my son you would assume she was his grandmother and not his nanny because nanny is white and older. If you saw my Costa Rican best friend with her blonde child, you would think she was the nanny (everyone does).

And, btw, I have only heard about the “lack of oversight” here and never in real life.

DP but come on. It is very easy to figure out who is a nanny. Sure, there might be certain situations where someone makes an assumption one way or another, but usually it's very obvious. And it's not just demographics, though yes, if I see a 50-something Dominican woman with a baby, I assume she's a nanny. Not because I'm racist but because I'm not an idiot. But also nannies have a way of doing things that makes it obvious. All the nannies in my neighborhood know each other. They help each other a little with each other's charges. Often at the playground, the nannies will get there around the same time (they arrange this in advance) and sit together and get their kids on the same schedule. Often they speak to each other in a non-English native language (and since I speak Spanish but they might not realize this, I can also listen to them gossip about their employers or their own families). If you are on mat leave or a SAHM and go to playgrounds, story times, music classes for babies, etc., you quickly learn to identify nannies. It's not rocket science.

Anyway, given that I am very good at spotting a nanny, I can tell you that the PP is not incorrect. Nannies engage in a LOT of benign neglect, generally. There are some exceptions -- I've met some nannies who really get down with the kids and play with them a lot and interact with them. But the average nanny in my neighborhood is not like this. Most of them are on their phone a lot or talking to there nannies. At playgrounds they do a lot of sitting with fellow nannies, or sitting on a bench on their phone, and encouraging the kids to play on their own. They do their jobs, don't get me wrong -- they make sure the kids get appropriately times snacks, they deal with playground altercations or injuries, they apply sunscreen and provide water, they check in on potty needs, etc. They don't neglect. But they aren't interacting with the kids that much. They definitely look to find schedules that allow for them to spend much of the day around other nannies with similar age kids so the kids can play together and the nannies can talk or use their phones or whatever. I'm sure they interact with their charges more at other times of the day (especially when at home and around their employers) but often I'd be around the same group of nannies for hours and hours (from a 9am story time through play time at a nearby playground, lunch at that playground, until we all took kids home for naps) and I'd be interacting with my child a LOT more during that time than they did. Not a judgment just an observation.

A lot of people prefer nannies because it's more convenient for the parents. You don't have to pack anything or even get your kid ready for the day. No commute. Nannies will often do some housework and food prep for the kid, which is amazing.

But sometimes I see people talking about how they value a nanny because it means more one-on-one interacting for their kid than they might get in daycare. That's definitely true for babies. But once they can walk, it's over. Your mobile child will probably get more direct oversight in a daycare than with a nanny, even with the much higher child to worker ratio. Because in a daycare, the workers are doing things all day. They schedule art projects, do schedules story times, etc. Daycare workers are never going to get away with spending hours a day on their phones while handing out snacks when necessary. They have to be much more hands on that that. If daycares operated the way most of the nannies in my neighborhood operate, with that degree of benign neglect, they'd probably get shut down.

That's why when my 1 year leave was over, my kid went to a (terrific, small, well-run) daycare instead of a nanny. I would hire a nanny for an infant in a heartbeat if I couldn't stay home with my baby -- my preference would be one-on-one, at-home care for a child until they can crawl very well and are interacting with their play space a lot. But by 1 year and definitely by 18 months, I think daycares make more sense, personally, and I really don't think the extra cost of a nanny makes sense except insofar as it's more convenient for parents. But not from a childcare perspective. Daycares are GREAT for toddlers.

DP. Yes, when I stayed home, it was trivially easy to tell who the nannies were at the parks, because they were there in groups. I speak one of the languages often spoken as well.

I think the people insisting that it is impossible to tell who is a nanny absent a racist component have not actually spent long days at the parks. They really do not know what they are talking about.

Guys, all nannies are not Latina. I’m an American blonde nanny and everyone assumes I am my charge’s mother. While I do see groups of Latina nannies talking and congregating, all the ones I see still have an eye on their charges. And they are most likely earning $10 less an hour than my college educated, American nanny friends. You don’t see us because you think we’re moms and grandmas.

[Anonymous]

Precovid I had my charge in the library playroom with four other little kids and women I thought were their mothers. We all were surprised to find out we were all nannies! Even American nannies don’t recognize other American nannies.

What anti-nanny posters are seeing are the very low paid foreign nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Precovid I had my charge in the library playroom with four other little kids and women I thought were their mothers. We all were surprised to find out we were all nannies! Even American nannies don’t recognize other American nannies.

What anti-nanny posters are seeing are the very low paid foreign nannies.

And to add, it’s the American nannies who generally frequent this forum. And from all over the country because there isn’t another good nanny board.

[Anonymous]

OP the nanny thing never worked for me. It was another employee to manage, schedule, etc etc and very expensive. Also I like my space.
As for the Nannie’s socializing: they definitely do. They are all about getting together with each other and there is a group dynamic with the Queen bee nanny that I didn’t love with my kid. Saying goodbye to nanny and moving to preschool/ daycare was the best thing I ever did. At least there is dome supervision. I think Nannie’s work best for parents who are out of the home.

[Anonymous]

I also agree with that long post that I’m not going to quote re:lot of blue. But yes I also saw what she saw in my neighborhood where there were many nannies.

[Anonymous]

Former SAHM here -
I saw many incredibly lazy nannies in the parks everyday. Not interested in lifting the kid out of the stroller to practice walking, but rather shoving bags of snacks at the child meanwhile yapping on the phone and jiggling the stroller with their leg to keep the kid somewhat entertained.
Or they are shopping at TJ Maxx and shoving bags of chips at the child in the stroller to keep the kid busy.
The other day on the subway I saw a 2 year old in the stroller quietly looking at her hands for a strange amount of time. I thought maybe she is starting to nap. Then I realized she was watching a video on a screen. She had two nannies pushing the stroller, but apparently the child needs a screen too.
Both of my kids rode the subway 3x/week for daycare and we never needed a screen as there was either a lot to look at or the moving train lulled them into napping.

Somebody else told me that the nanny she hired stole household goods from them.
Back when urbanbaby was a thing, there was the nanny who administered Benadryl to get the kid to nap - everyday.

Believe me, kids as young as pre-school are clued in to nanny vs parent dynamics. Kids with nannies know they will have playdates with other kids with nannies, and the kids with parents in tow are aware if parents become friends that there is great likelihood of many playdates with that parent's child in the future. There is almost no crossover with parent / nanny playdates. I was surprised that my son told me this about his preschool friends when he was 4 years old.

So OP, I'm with you. I'm not crazy about the idea of a nanny either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Precovid I had my charge in the library playroom with four other little kids and women I thought were their mothers. We all were surprised to find out we were all nannies! Even American nannies don’t recognize other American nannies.

What anti-nanny posters are seeing are the very low paid foreign nannies.

And to add, it’s the American nannies who generally frequent this forum. And from all over the country because there isn’t another good nanny board.

You must not live in DC. Here the vast majority of nannies are from Latin America, the Caribbean, or Africa. They are paid very well as many have decades of experience as nannies and preschool teachers and good references from local families. Nannie’s who will speak Spanish or French with the kids are particularly prized, especially by DC families who plan to do language immersion for elementary school.

I have met white nannies in DC but they are somewhat rare and yes, people often initially assume they are the child’s mom or grandmother. However, people figure it out quickly because if you have children in the same age cohort, you will get to know the other caregivers at story times and playgrounds. Also, once kids are verbal, you will find out immediately because toddlers/preschoolers will tell you their family’s whole deal in the first 5 minutes.

This is based on my experience with my own kid on maternity leave and my experience interviewing and hiring nannies in DC. I can count the number of white nannies I’ve met on my fingers, and the ones who were American (and not au pairs) on one hand. Versus dozens and dozens of non-white nannies.

If you don’t live in DC, perhaps you have a different experience.

I’d say about 70% of the nannies I’ve observed in DC are pretty mediocre (and that includes a few actively bad ones where I felt bad for the kids because the nannies were unkind and/or truly neglectful). But good childcare is hard to come by and I had a similar experience looking at daycares— many of them are so-so.

I think some people want to believe their childcare provider is better than it is, and that’s understandable. I also think kids largely do okay with mediocre childcare. But I would never claim a nanny is WAY better than daycare, or vice versa, because I have enough firsthand knowledge to know that either way, you will probably just go okay, unless you are either very lucky or very rich, or both. Which some people are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are these parks or playgrounds with all the nannies neglecting their charges?

In all honesty, I have never seen it but I don’t live in DC full time.

For what it’s worth, we have a fantastic nanny who everyone thinks is my kids grandma or mother because she looks like my kids.

Well in the VA suburbs they can be frequently seen at parks in McLean and Arlington. They’re not necessarily all neglecting the kids but they definitely hang out in groups gossiping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never wanted a nanny. Saw too many at the playground on my first maternity leave. Never comfortable with the lack of oversight.

How did you know they were nannies? Because they were Brown? If you saw our nanny in the park running and engaging my son you would assume she was his grandmother and not his nanny because nanny is white and older. If you saw my Costa Rican best friend with her blonde child, you would think she was the nanny (everyone does).

And, btw, I have only heard about the “lack of oversight” here and never in real life.

DP but come on. It is very easy to figure out who is a nanny. Sure, there might be certain situations where someone makes an assumption one way or another, but usually it's very obvious. And it's not just demographics, though yes, if I see a 50-something Dominican woman with a baby, I assume she's a nanny. Not because I'm racist but because I'm not an idiot. But also nannies have a way of doing things that makes it obvious. All the nannies in my neighborhood know each other. They help each other a little with each other's charges. Often at the playground, the nannies will get there around the same time (they arrange this in advance) and sit together and get their kids on the same schedule. Often they speak to each other in a non-English native language (and since I speak Spanish but they might not realize this, I can also listen to them gossip about their employers or their own families). If you are on mat leave or a SAHM and go to playgrounds, story times, music classes for babies, etc., you quickly learn to identify nannies. It's not rocket science.

Anyway, given that I am very good at spotting a nanny, I can tell you that the PP is not incorrect. Nannies engage in a LOT of benign neglect, generally. There are some exceptions -- I've met some nannies who really get down with the kids and play with them a lot and interact with them. But the average nanny in my neighborhood is not like this. Most of them are on their phone a lot or talking to there nannies. At playgrounds they do a lot of sitting with fellow nannies, or sitting on a bench on their phone, and encouraging the kids to play on their own. They do their jobs, don't get me wrong -- they make sure the kids get appropriately times snacks, they deal with playground altercations or injuries, they apply sunscreen and provide water, they check in on potty needs, etc. They don't neglect. But they aren't interacting with the kids that much. They definitely look to find schedules that allow for them to spend much of the day around other nannies with similar age kids so the kids can play together and the nannies can talk or use their phones or whatever. I'm sure they interact with their charges more at other times of the day (especially when at home and around their employers) but often I'd be around the same group of nannies for hours and hours (from a 9am story time through play time at a nearby playground, lunch at that playground, until we all took kids home for naps) and I'd be interacting with my child a LOT more during that time than they did. Not a judgment just an observation.

A lot of people prefer nannies because it's more convenient for the parents. You don't have to pack anything or even get your kid ready for the day. No commute. Nannies will often do some housework and food prep for the kid, which is amazing.

But sometimes I see people talking about how they value a nanny because it means more one-on-one interacting for their kid than they might get in daycare. That's definitely true for babies. But once they can walk, it's over. Your mobile child will probably get more direct oversight in a daycare than with a nanny, even with the much higher child to worker ratio. Because in a daycare, the workers are doing things all day. They schedule art projects, do schedules story times, etc. Daycare workers are never going to get away with spending hours a day on their phones while handing out snacks when necessary. They have to be much more hands on that that. If daycares operated the way most of the nannies in my neighborhood operate, with that degree of benign neglect, they'd probably get shut down.

That's why when my 1 year leave was over, my kid went to a (terrific, small, well-run) daycare instead of a nanny. I would hire a nanny for an infant in a heartbeat if I couldn't stay home with my baby -- my preference would be one-on-one, at-home care for a child until they can crawl very well and are interacting with their play space a lot. But by 1 year and definitely by 18 months, I think daycares make more sense, personally, and I really don't think the extra cost of a nanny makes sense except insofar as it's more convenient for parents. But not from a childcare perspective. Daycares are GREAT for toddlers.

DP. Yes, when I stayed home, it was trivially easy to tell who the nannies were at the parks, because they were there in groups. I speak one of the languages often spoken as well.

I think the people insisting that it is impossible to tell who is a nanny absent a racist component have not actually spent long days at the parks. They really do not know what they are talking about.

Guys, all nannies are not Latina. I’m an American blonde nanny and everyone assumes I am my charge’s mother. While I do see groups of Latina nannies talking and congregating, all the ones I see still have an eye on their charges. And they are most likely earning $10 less an hour than my college educated, American nanny friends. You don’t see us because you think we’re moms and grandmas.

Jesus you are condescending. It is usually obvious who the nannies are, including the American born ones. Sorry this bothers you, but it is true.