Divorce is contagious?

[Anonymous]

I've never thought this way but obviously a lot of people do.

When my brother got divorced I was really shocked by the news (they seemed truly happy and it had never crossed my mind they were even on the rocks) and told a good friend about it and said was having trouble processing the news. She immediately launched into this whole monologue about how of course hearing about a close family member getting divorced would make you think about getting divorced and wonder if you were next, that's normal but try not to think about it too much, just take it one day at a time.

I was like, "Uh, no, I mean I'm just sad for my brother and worry this means my SIL will no longer be part of my life." It didn't even occur to me that my brother's divorce had any bearing at all on my own marriage. They are different relationships involving different people. But to my friend, this was the obvious first thought. It felt very telling to me. Sure enough, a year later she and her DH were experimenting with an open marriage and discussing a trial separation if it didn't work.

I think divorce is only something you can "catch" if you were already thinking about it to begin with. If it's not on your radar, someone else's divorce is not suddenly going to push you over the edge.

[Anonymous]

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You are so wrong on this one. You do not even know the people around you (you know the ones that are relationship goals, having the time of their lives at empty nest when everyone else is crashing and burning) actively chose to fight for their marriage and family. Not everyone cheated for lack of love if they’re spouse. Many had happy marriages and got off track midlife. To think you know anything about anyone else’s marriage is comical. You have no idea how much infidelity exists. 60% of couples that make it 50-years or more have dealt with it.

NP.

This seems like a very high percentage and an odd limitation. Do you have some research to support this? It seems like if this were true, the institution of marriage would have crumbled much sooner. This is saying that most marriages that last have infidelity, which would mean that dramatically higher percentage of all marriages have had one partner cheating (as infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce).

I realize that ethical nonmonogamy has become a much more common arrangement (or variety of arrangements), but even so this seems very high.

[Anonymous]

If marital infidelity is indeed this common as you say, it shakes my faith in human morality. It means, most humans are liars, cheats and not trustworthy of honoring a commitment.

That said, statistics doesn't support your theory.

[Anonymous]

Most people tend to settle for whatever option is available in their 30's because they feel time is slipping away and want a relationship and a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If marital infidelity is indeed this common as you say, it shakes my faith in human morality. It means, most humans are liars, cheats and not trustworthy of honoring a commitment.

That said, statistics doesn't support your theory.

Its not as common as disgruntled folks think it is.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Divorce is an easy solution, fidelity, commitment, raising a family needs hard work. If you see people taking easy way out, you too want to leave and be single and date.

LOL. No, divorce is not easy. I went from a cushy SAHM lifestyle to a single mom making minimum wage. Plus a vindictive xH who continues to make my life hell at every opportunity. I know many other mothers who went through the same thing. The easy thing would have been to ignore our problems and stay.

Usually what I see is one person (often mom) busting their ass to be a good spouse and parent to make the marriage work, while the other spouse basically continues living as if they were single, whether that’s not helping with the kids/house, cheating, drinking, abuse, workaholic, whatever. When the good spouse finally gets fed up and leaves, they are criticized for breaking their vows. But no one ever criticizes the crappy spouse for not holding up THEIR vows to “love and to cherish”, to be an equal partner, to place the marriage and family above their own selfish wants.

So I think the issue is less “why do so many people get divorced” and more “why do so many people suck at marriage”.

Then again why marry irresponsible, alcoholic, abusive cheaters? Its not like these are forced child brides or living in old ages. They ate dating, sleeping with, living with these men before marriage. No?

A lot of these men and women decided to go back to their youth midlife and just throw away everything they worked for. Like they were in a cage for adolescence and didn’t experience enough before marriage. Whatever the reason they tend to be quite good husbands and wife’s before the mental breakdown.

+100 many were monogamous for 15-20 years+. Decent, fun, loving spouses and great parents/partners until they lost their damn minds. They changed drastically.

Yep. It’s not like you married a cheater. There are often zero warming signs dating/early years. Someone you meet at 25 can be very different by 45, 50, etc., depending on what happens to them in life. There are many that truly surprised me in our circle.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Divorce is an easy solution, fidelity, commitment, raising a family needs hard work. If you see people taking easy way out, you too want to leave and be single and date.

This^.

I feel the opposite.

Looking the other way to infidelity/helplessness/etc and living your life in fear of taking control of it is why people stay married.

There is no honor in being afraid to leave your spouse”.

Most women I know are not leaving and dating. They are leaving and committing to their family and work in a way they never could because their helpless h sucked them of all their energy and resources.

+1

It’s easier to believe the man you want has a wife that is trapped then the fact he actively is doing the work day in and day out to prevent the woman he truly loves from leaving. You have no idea what is going on in a long marriage— how it started, where it started or the kind of passion and deep love that was there. It’s hard to see him fight so hard for someone when he didn’t for you. So yeah- she is trapped

You can see the ones that have their own means getting out and the ones that don’t staying it’s clear they are trapped.

Nobody wants their old dusty husband.

Old dusty husband? I guess if you married someone much older than may be but mot peoplr who married in their own age group.

Yes but most divorced men are old. Yes, sorry, but objectively speaking 45 is old. Thining hair, poochy belly, no fashion sense, anxiety disorders.

I have one divorced friend who we were trying to get to date, she is amazing. She said to us, her friends, no offense but if you even look objectively at your husbands. Take away, father of your children, built a life together, etc… very few, none actually are really f’able.

Even the great looking one in our group, runs marathons, works out, 6 pack abs at 50… his anxiety disorder .. the real reason he runs daily, it’s just too much to take on.

No thank you!

None are f’able… Your friend sounds hilarious!

Trying to think how this would shake out in our circle of friends. Thankfully the one I’d most want is my husband. But there are a few others who would definitely be fine. I see plenty of cute dads around. No pooches.

See the cognitive Dissidence. If you were objective you would see it.

[Anonymous]

Re: above PPs - big difference between being f&ckable and marriage material… also I’ll take a bald pooched dude who knows his way around so to speak and is GGG. But if he or even a super fit guy is lazy / out of practice - no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: above PPs - big difference between being f&ckable and marriage material… also I’ll take a bald pooched dude who knows his way around so to speak and is GGG. But if he or even a super fit guy is lazy / out of practice - no thanks.

If then else…. Yea so you just took the 2 opposite extremes…. Useless feedback.

The fact is a 45 yo + dude… balding, wrinkles, pooch… if luckily usually outright fat, or fit and a narcissist … kids, financial issues with alimony and child support, etc. it’s not a pretty scene…. Objectively. Sure you can grasp on some minutely important straw like you didn’t have to fully train him in bed. Wow congrats! or maybe “he takes care of his children” … um okay you wanna cookie.

I get it, love is blind you see your H as a catch, but minus kids/live/life partner… objectively not a catch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: above PPs - big difference between being f&ckable and marriage material… also I’ll take a bald pooched dude who knows his way around so to speak and is GGG. But if he or even a super fit guy is lazy / out of practice - no thanks.

If then else…. Yea so you just took the 2 opposite extremes…. Useless feedback.

The fact is a 45 yo + dude… balding, wrinkles, pooch… if luckily usually outright fat, or fit and a narcissist … kids, financial issues with alimony and child support, etc. it’s not a pretty scene…. Objectively. Sure you can grasp on some minutely important straw like you didn’t have to fully train him in bed. Wow congrats! or maybe “he takes care of his children” … um okay you wanna cookie.

I get it, love is blind you see your H as a catch, but minus kids/live/life partner… objectively not a catch.

Nope - I divorced my husband (but not because of his pooch!) and am not looking for another one! So I am more focused on the f&ckable part right now. Anecdotally, I've had the pleasure of interacting with some pooch-y guys who are very generous lovers - which is my cup of tea right now. One had anxiety outside of the s&x, and I decided to stop seeing him, because I am not looking to work out that sh&t with anyone but myself right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: above PPs - big difference between being f&ckable and marriage material… also I’ll take a bald pooched dude who knows his way around so to speak and is GGG. But if he or even a super fit guy is lazy / out of practice - no thanks.

If then else…. Yea so you just took the 2 opposite extremes…. Useless feedback.

The fact is a 45 yo + dude… balding, wrinkles, pooch… if luckily usually outright fat, or fit and a narcissist … kids, financial issues with alimony and child support, etc. it’s not a pretty scene…. Objectively. Sure you can grasp on some minutely important straw like you didn’t have to fully train him in bed. Wow congrats! or maybe “he takes care of his children” … um okay you wanna cookie.

I get it, love is blind you see your H as a catch, but minus kids/live/life partner… objectively not a catch.

Nope - I divorced my husband (but not because of his pooch!) and am not looking for another one! So I am more focused on the f&ckable part right now. Anecdotally, I've had the pleasure of interacting with some pooch-y guys who are very generous lovers - which is my cup of tea right now. One had anxiety outside of the s&x, and I decided to stop seeing him, because I am not looking to work out that sh&t with anyone but myself right now.

That sounds miserable.

Bouncing around men to men trying to find one who isn’t bad in bed. With his soft and nasty pouch.

You can tell yourself it’s sooo great.

You gotta suck a lot of wrinkly d’s to find 1 pooch that doesn’t have anxiety and is 1/2 decent in bed. Of course no word on being a loving and caring partner in life.

Girl! You need a therapist not another d!ck. #daddyissues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: above PPs - big difference between being f&ckable and marriage material… also I’ll take a bald pooched dude who knows his way around so to speak and is GGG. But if he or even a super fit guy is lazy / out of practice - no thanks.

If then else…. Yea so you just took the 2 opposite extremes…. Useless feedback.

The fact is a 45 yo + dude… balding, wrinkles, pooch… if luckily usually outright fat, or fit and a narcissist … kids, financial issues with alimony and child support, etc. it’s not a pretty scene…. Objectively. Sure you can grasp on some minutely important straw like you didn’t have to fully train him in bed. Wow congrats! or maybe “he takes care of his children” … um okay you wanna cookie.

I get it, love is blind you see your H as a catch, but minus kids/live/life partner… objectively not a catch.

Nope - I divorced my husband (but not because of his pooch!) and am not looking for another one! So I am more focused on the f&ckable part right now. Anecdotally, I've had the pleasure of interacting with some pooch-y guys who are very generous lovers - which is my cup of tea right now. One had anxiety outside of the s&x, and I decided to stop seeing him, because I am not looking to work out that sh&t with anyone but myself right now.

That sounds miserable.

Bouncing around men to men trying to find one who isn’t bad in bed. With his soft and nasty pouch.

You can tell yourself it’s sooo great.

You gotta suck a lot of wrinkly d’s to find 1 pooch that doesn’t have anxiety and is 1/2 decent in bed. Of course no word on being a loving and caring partner in life.

Girl! You need a therapist not another d!ck. #daddyissues

She thinks she is cool, but comes across as so disgusting. Insulting her friend's husbands too. She is one of those annoying new divorcees that think she knows better than everyone else. I see them crash and burn in a years time. They try very hard to justify how everyone married is miserable and that they are living the good life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: above PPs - big difference between being f&ckable and marriage material… also I’ll take a bald pooched dude who knows his way around so to speak and is GGG. But if he or even a super fit guy is lazy / out of practice - no thanks.

If then else…. Yea so you just took the 2 opposite extremes…. Useless feedback.

The fact is a 45 yo + dude… balding, wrinkles, pooch… if luckily usually outright fat, or fit and a narcissist … kids, financial issues with alimony and child support, etc. it’s not a pretty scene…. Objectively. Sure you can grasp on some minutely important straw like you didn’t have to fully train him in bed. Wow congrats! or maybe “he takes care of his children” … um okay you wanna cookie.

I get it, love is blind you see your H as a catch, but minus kids/live/life partner… objectively not a catch.

Nope - I divorced my husband (but not because of his pooch!) and am not looking for another one! So I am more focused on the f&ckable part right now. Anecdotally, I've had the pleasure of interacting with some pooch-y guys who are very generous lovers - which is my cup of tea right now. One had anxiety outside of the s&x, and I decided to stop seeing him, because I am not looking to work out that sh&t with anyone but myself right now.

That sounds miserable.

Bouncing around men to men trying to find one who isn’t bad in bed. With his soft and nasty pouch.

You can tell yourself it’s sooo great.

You gotta suck a lot of wrinkly d’s to find 1 pooch that doesn’t have anxiety and is 1/2 decent in bed. Of course no word on being a loving and caring partner in life.

Girl! You need a therapist not another d!ck. #daddyissues

Oh my - yes, your take on it does sound rather dreadful. Thankfully my therapist isn't requiring me to choose between her and having sex with as many people as I wish. And given my own soft sweet pooch, and my acceptance of it, others having one isn't a turnoff for me. xoxo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: above PPs - big difference between being f&ckable and marriage material… also I’ll take a bald pooched dude who knows his way around so to speak and is GGG. But if he or even a super fit guy is lazy / out of practice - no thanks.

If then else…. Yea so you just took the 2 opposite extremes…. Useless feedback.

The fact is a 45 yo + dude… balding, wrinkles, pooch… if luckily usually outright fat, or fit and a narcissist … kids, financial issues with alimony and child support, etc. it’s not a pretty scene…. Objectively. Sure you can grasp on some minutely important straw like you didn’t have to fully train him in bed. Wow congrats! or maybe “he takes care of his children” … um okay you wanna cookie.

I get it, love is blind you see your H as a catch, but minus kids/live/life partner… objectively not a catch.

Nope - I divorced my husband (but not because of his pooch!) and am not looking for another one! So I am more focused on the f&ckable part right now. Anecdotally, I've had the pleasure of interacting with some pooch-y guys who are very generous lovers - which is my cup of tea right now. One had anxiety outside of the s&x, and I decided to stop seeing him, because I am not looking to work out that sh&t with anyone but myself right now.

That sounds miserable.

Bouncing around men to men trying to find one who isn’t bad in bed. With his soft and nasty pouch.

You can tell yourself it’s sooo great.

You gotta suck a lot of wrinkly d’s to find 1 pooch that doesn’t have anxiety and is 1/2 decent in bed. Of course no word on being a loving and caring partner in life.

Girl! You need a therapist not another d!ck. #daddyissues

She thinks she is cool, but comes across as so disgusting. Insulting her friend's husbands too. She is one of those annoying new divorcees that think she knows better than everyone else. I see them crash and burn in a years time. They try very hard to justify how everyone married is miserable and that they are living the good life.

The reality is some marriages are good.
Some are really bad but circumstances make it impossible to divorce.
Some never married are very happy, some are not.
Some divorced people are just dedicated to their single life, committed to their family and work and volunteer and friends in ways try couldn’t with a needy spouse.
Some divorcees are miserable, broke and desperate.

But when people see happy divorced people and compare it to a bad marriage they see “another way”, when 80% of people were married you didn’t see another way, so yes divorce can be “contagious” meaning people see it as a viable option.

But the reality is only 50% are married and many are not happy, so statistically most people are not happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: above PPs - big difference between being f&ckable and marriage material… also I’ll take a bald pooched dude who knows his way around so to speak and is GGG. But if he or even a super fit guy is lazy / out of practice - no thanks.

If then else…. Yea so you just took the 2 opposite extremes…. Useless feedback.

The fact is a 45 yo + dude… balding, wrinkles, pooch… if luckily usually outright fat, or fit and a narcissist … kids, financial issues with alimony and child support, etc. it’s not a pretty scene…. Objectively. Sure you can grasp on some minutely important straw like you didn’t have to fully train him in bed. Wow congrats! or maybe “he takes care of his children” … um okay you wanna cookie.

I get it, love is blind you see your H as a catch, but minus kids/live/life partner… objectively not a catch.

Nope - I divorced my husband (but not because of his pooch!) and am not looking for another one! So I am more focused on the f&ckable part right now. Anecdotally, I've had the pleasure of interacting with some pooch-y guys who are very generous lovers - which is my cup of tea right now. One had anxiety outside of the s&x, and I decided to stop seeing him, because I am not looking to work out that sh&t with anyone but myself right now.

That sounds miserable.

Bouncing around men to men trying to find one who isn’t bad in bed. With his soft and nasty pouch.

You can tell yourself it’s sooo great.

You gotta suck a lot of wrinkly d’s to find 1 pooch that doesn’t have anxiety and is 1/2 decent in bed. Of course no word on being a loving and caring partner in life.

Girl! You need a therapist not another d!ck. #daddyissues

Oh my - yes, your take on it does sound rather dreadful. Thankfully my therapist isn't requiring me to choose between her and having sex with as many people as I wish. And given my own soft sweet pooch, and my acceptance of it, others having one isn't a turnoff for me. xoxo

Glad you have a therapist … keep at it, you will eventually see the light.