Divorce is contagious?

[Anonymous]

I think divorce is so verboten in some group (mostly very religious), that the only choice for unhappy couples is to stay together miserably for the rest of their days. This is my parents.

More modern families see divorce as an acceptable choice for marriages that clearly aren’t working. I did counseling with my ex. We were still miserable together. We’re divorced and both so much happier now. I can’t imagine if I was socially pressured to stay together, because “that’s what we do in our families.”

[Anonymous]

Sure - less of a stigma and so people exit relationships when they aren’t happy. Likely that unhappy marriages “run in families” too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think divorce is so verboten in some group (mostly very religious), that the only choice for unhappy couples is to stay together miserably for the rest of their days. This is my parents.

More modern families see divorce as an acceptable choice for marriages that clearly aren’t working. I did counseling with my ex. We were still miserable together. We’re divorced and both so much happier now. I can’t imagine if I was socially pressured to stay together, because “that’s what we do in our families.”

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, because then there is less of a stigma.

Many of the women in my side of the family initiated divorce because they were tired of their H’s BS. I initiated my divorce for the same reason.

In my xH’s family there is zero divorce. But the marriages almost all suck. xFIL is extremely abusive towards xMIL, who tolerates it because they just don’t do divorce in that family. xBIL and xSIL were completely miserable and miserable to be around. I’d rather be single than be in any of the marriages they had.

So I guess my family has divorce culture, his family has a culture of crappy marriages.

It’s really sad that those are the only options both of you were raised with. No wonder you guys divorced.

We did counseling for years, with multiple counselors. Every single one told us that our problems weren't fixable and we should get divorced. Sometimes it's the best option. Our kids are certainly doing way better.

[Anonymous]

I believe the higher rates. I do not always believe the conclusions or inferences made from those studies. Correlation <> causation.

For example, many divorces are due to mental health issues, including undiagnosed. So, since some of that is genetic, it makes sense that children and siblings of those people have higher rates of the same issues and thus divorce. But that doesn't mean that their divorces are being caused by parents/siblings divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about friends, but divorce absolutely runs in families. I will be worried if my DCs start seriously dating someone with divorced parents. They are much more likely to get divorced themselves.

Well be careful with this. My parents are divorced. I started dating someone whose parents are VERY proud that they are still married and that they don’t believe in divorce. We got married. He cheated on me. Repeatedly. His parents still didn’t believe in divorce but he asked me for one.

I’d be very careful about a holier-than-thou attitude.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I can see why some people stay in unhappy marriages. Some are super religious, some have SAHS and earn moderate incomes and therefore divorce would destroy their current standard of living, some have spouses with mental disease or addictions and they are afraid to let their kids unsupervised with the sick parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is divorce culture. Runs in families. It makes sense. When you see it done, and everything is usually okay, it makes it easier to accept doing it yourself.

There is an affair culture too.

People that hang out with cheaters have the same values and cheat too. They gossip and talk/brag about their affairs and they provide alibis for one another. Even if some don’t condone it, they aren’t bothered by it. People whose parents cheated have a much, much higher statistical chance of cheating.

I simplify it as: like attracts like.

This is also why you should be cognizant of the people your teens hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Its not about divorce with cause, its about divorces due to lack of patience, commitment and communication due to lack of good role models. Ours isn't a culture where under age people are getting forced to get married or stay married. People date, live together and marry as consenting adults because they want to.

Being carefree single is fun and marriage takes dedication and hard work, kids are huge responsibilities. People want romance and wedding and playing house but once novelty starts fading and reality sets in, people want escape of alternative. Often people around them also start seeing escape as the easiest option.

[Anonymous]

Its the same thing as higher ratio of educated families having good students, athletic families having good athletes, military families having military kids or doctors having kids going in medical schools. Intact stable families tend to have kids with with will, skills and support to have keep their marriages intact and they often gravitate towards people from stable families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not specifically divorce that runs in families. Things like ADHD, ASD and depression. Learned behaviors like communication and emotional support. Religion, culture, views on the roles of the sexes and marriage.

All of these contribute to healthy or poor relationships. Divorce is a symptom, not the cause.

This is true. There are several divorces in my family, including my parents. My parents both came from families with addiction, depression, and perhaps most significantly, parental and/or sibling estrangement in every. Single. Branch. I am estranged from one of my parents and one of my siblings, in order to save myself and my children from any exposure to their abuse. I hold on the my marriage as hard as I can and my marriage is a happy one. But I am super aware of how much easier creating and nurturing a new family (my husband and kids) if I had even one stable, committed, involved relative from my family of origin.

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe friends divorcing will make a happily married couple suddenly decide to divorce. I do think someone that is unhappily married might start thinking more about divorce after seeing friends make it out on the other side of it okay. To quote one of the articles “Their journey gave me the strength I needed and the information and the knowledge that I needed to make it feasible for me.” What I don’t like about the articles is you could turn the question around and ask “is staying in an unhappy marriage contagious”. Are you more likely to stay in an a unhappy in marriage if you feel that is the socially acceptable thing to do so?

Asking if divorce is contagious implies you can get someone infected that wasn’t sick before by standing next to them and IMO reinforcing the stigma of divorce. Whether unhappy and now divorced or unhappy and still married, I do think we don’t necessarily see enough examples of the behind the scenes work it takes to be happy while in a committed relationship. For many reasons people will be private about the struggles and work - not to be judged, not to have it turn into gossip, not to have the behavior become the person even after they have put in the work to change, not telling the story that isn’t yours to tell about your significant other etc. So you see the journey and info for divorce and you can see how people cope with being unhappy and staying married but don’t necessarily see how peers that are happy make it work.

[Anonymous]

Just like all marriages aren't happily forever, all divorces aren't happily forever either, specially for children who are collateral damage. If you decide to date, start a relationship, live together, get engaged, get married, have a child, have more children AND then come out saying what a crappy person your ex always was, it only make people doubt your emotional incompetence.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is an easy solution, fidelity, commitment, raising a family needs hard work. If you see people taking easy way out, you too want to leave and be single and date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its the same thing as higher ratio of educated families having good students, athletic families having good athletes, military families having military kids or doctors having kids going in medical schools. Intact stable families tend to have kids with with will, skills and support to have keep their marriages intact and they often gravitate towards people from stable families.

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