Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).

His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”

What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.

And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.

Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!

Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.

I hear you but please know that it can be single mothers who are the most sexist at times. You realize "wives" in 2 couple families are not all doing what you assume?

Not totally sure what you mean by that. I was a SAHM. Most of my friends are SAHMs. I know that for the most part, SAHMs (and SAHDs) do almost all the at home labor. This then frees up the working partner to advance their career. Never met a couple where the working parent does half or more of the at home labor (although I've met many who *think* they do and have no idea how much their SAH spouse does).

Of course things are divided differently when both parents work, although data is pretty clear that wives still do the bulk of home and childcare, even if they work full time.

Point is, if OP wants his wife to work, he needs to take a close look at how that will impact his career. When I was a SAHM, my xH wanted me to work. So I got a job. Then he freaked out because he was suddenly responsible for half of the pickups/dropoffs, half of dinners, getting DC ready in the morning, handling school things, etc. And he didn't have time for the things he enjoyed like working out. Even got upset he couldn't use the company car anymore (no kids allowed in it). But you don't get to have your cake and eat it, too - you don't get the benefits of a working wife AND a SAHM.

What I mean is that you seem to assume that wives are the ones who do household work. So, so many single mothers assume I am a SAHM. I am not. Not all wives are SAHMs. In fact, even though I am a woman, I am not the one to do more of the duties, we share. So, please don't make assumptions about me and my husband based on our genders.

[Anonymous]

Is OP's line of thinking due to a form of insecurity about having a SAHM? Some types can be very patronizing about the concept and devalue the benefits. It is a terrible option for many families and invaluable for others. I just hope you're not inviting undue stress over optics. The real time logistics and cost benefit in relation to your kid's lifestyles should be the only focus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).

His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”

What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.

And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.

Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!

Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.

I hear you but please know that it can be single mothers who are the most sexist at times. You realize "wives" in 2 couple families are not all doing what you assume?

Not totally sure what you mean by that. I was a SAHM. Most of my friends are SAHMs. I know that for the most part, SAHMs (and SAHDs) do almost all the at home labor. This then frees up the working partner to advance their career. Never met a couple where the working parent does half or more of the at home labor (although I've met many who *think* they do and have no idea how much their SAH spouse does).

Of course things are divided differently when both parents work, although data is pretty clear that wives still do the bulk of home and childcare, even if they work full time.

Point is, if OP wants his wife to work, he needs to take a close look at how that will impact his career. When I was a SAHM, my xH wanted me to work. So I got a job. Then he freaked out because he was suddenly responsible for half of the pickups/dropoffs, half of dinners, getting DC ready in the morning, handling school things, etc. And he didn't have time for the things he enjoyed like working out. Even got upset he couldn't use the company car anymore (no kids allowed in it). But you don't get to have your cake and eat it, too - you don't get the benefits of a working wife AND a SAHM.

I would think the OP would have to do more than half the pickups etc in the first year or so because it would be hard to get flexibility if you are trying to restart a career. It depends on how long OP’s wife has been out of the workforce.

The initial period of starting a job is probably the worst of it. Don't expect to juggle it all as well as wohms who have already been through the pitfalls of scheduling and outsourcing. Op will need to step it up a hit more that 50% at first while dw gets her bearings entering the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Ok. Most people do have a weekly or biweekly cleaning person. Who do you think sweeps the floor, washes the dishes, does the laundry, dusts, etc in between the day that the cleaning lady comes by?

Not OP, I bet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

Are you kidding? You make tons of money. If she goes out and works and makes $30-40K, then you'll have to hire someone to do the things she does and you will spend more in the end.

What kind of husband are you? There are plenty of advantages to private and plenty to public. She is the one parenting your kids while you work and maybe she thinks its best for them. $30K is very reasonable for a private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. Most people do have a weekly or biweekly cleaning person. Who do you think sweeps the floor, washes the dishes, does the laundry, dusts, etc in between the day that the cleaning lady comes by?

Not OP, I bet!

He should take on 50% of the responsibilities at home if he wants her to go work. Housework, shopping, driving kids to activities, taking kids to medical appointments (she may not have leave when she starts working), take off when the kids have days off or out of school, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it is a little ridiculous to both not work and insist on private school.

Agree. I’m a SAHM and private school would be a non-starter with my husband. He doesn’t quite make $500/k but it wouldn’t matter to him if he did. He is focused on college and retirement savings and generational wealth building. Private secondary school is just a badge like a luxury car or country club (we don’t those either.)

Interesting. On the one hand I agree (wanting private but not working) on the other, presumably the wife has backed up a lot at home if OP is making that much money.

But the idea of "generational wealth building" - is that really more important than a good education? My spouse and I together make less than 1/2 of what your husband makes - and money isn't our #1 value - but I would always invest in private first (if it was different)

We make 1/4 of OP and at times have paid for private as that was what was best for our child. I'd love to go back to private but my child prefers public. We do private school classes in the summer (and they really aren't any different except having text books).

[Anonymous]

I can't believe OP found a private school thats only 30k. We are currently looking at a second tier school in DC and its 40k/year

[Anonymous]

OP, also this is really about your resentment of your wife not working. Thats the conversation you need to be having.

[Anonymous]

Kids are in school all day, so what is she doing all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

1) Stop "forcing" things 2)Why wouldn't you spend your money on your kids if money is no issue 3)It can be a waste if your kids are gifted or socially large pool advantages 4)retirement isn't the boredom-free, stimulating utopia you think it is 5)Find out if your wife was raped or bullied or shafted in public school. 6)You are right-a kid who went to private school who could have gone to Longfellow gifted with Teacher of the Year ended up wishing he went to public Longfellow in high school. Competition is weaker when you restrict the applicant pool. Many private college loan users get $10,000-$100,000s in debt because they normalize themselves to borrowed money. Show your wife the sexual assault coverups at paid institutions. The lower self-esteem of having "daddy's" advantages when they are in fact talented no matter the privilege. Find out your wife's deal. If she has a legit reason like pandemic remote learning, pony up. If not, mention what a role model she will be by showing hard work affords nice things like private school by getting a job and hiring an au pair.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).

His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”

What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.

And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.

Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!

Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.

I hear you but please know that it can be single mothers who are the most sexist at times. You realize "wives" in 2 couple families are not all doing what you assume?

Not totally sure what you mean by that. I was a SAHM. Most of my friends are SAHMs. I know that for the most part, SAHMs (and SAHDs) do almost all the at home labor. This then frees up the working partner to advance their career. Never met a couple where the working parent does half or more of the at home labor (although I've met many who *think* they do and have no idea how much their SAH spouse does).

Of course things are divided differently when both parents work, although data is pretty clear that wives still do the bulk of home and childcare, even if they work full time.

Point is, if OP wants his wife to work, he needs to take a close look at how that will impact his career. When I was a SAHM, my xH wanted me to work. So I got a job. Then he freaked out because he was suddenly responsible for half of the pickups/dropoffs, half of dinners, getting DC ready in the morning, handling school things, etc. And he didn't have time for the things he enjoyed like working out. Even got upset he couldn't use the company car anymore (no kids allowed in it). But you don't get to have your cake and eat it, too - you don't get the benefits of a working wife AND a SAHM.

What I mean is that you seem to assume that wives are the ones who do household work. So, so many single mothers assume I am a SAHM. I am not. Not all wives are SAHMs. In fact, even though I am a woman, I am not the one to do more of the duties, we share. So, please don't make assumptions about me and my husband based on our genders.

I don't know why you think I am making assumptions about you and your husband. OP's post is specifically about a SAHM and has nothing to do with you and your spouse's arrangement.

OP has a SAHM.

SAHMs almost always do the bulk of childcare and housework. I said OP needs to take that into consideration, since having a working wife will impact his own career.

A PP said teenage children require no childcare.

I responded that isn't true and gave examples of what still needs to be done with teenagers.

Another PP said I was a SAHM of teenagers.

I replied that I'm not, I am a single, working mother. Which is how I know the real value of having a wife (substitute the word "SAHP" if that makes you feel better) that does the housework and childcare for you, so that you can focus on your career. I have not been able to develop my career to the point of a salary of $500k like OP, because I need to be available at 3pm for pickups, I take twice as much time off for sick days, I don't work at all in the evenings so I can cook, clean, and spend time with my child, etc. Someone taking over half of that would mean I could work more hours. Someone doing it ALL, as a SAHP does, would mean I could switch to a MUCH more profitable career.

Nothing about what I said applies to families where both parents work and split childcare/housework duties equally. Although, as I said, data shows that in most households, wives who work still do more at home than their husbands. If your husband does half, great. That's awesome. But that's the exception, not the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are in school all day, so what is she doing all day?

This is the worst. Stop this line of thinking. It isn’t “all day.” Maybe middle and high schools are dismissed around 2:30. If OP doesn’t have household help, there is plenty to do with caring for maintaining a house and all the necessities for a family during school hours- plus some self care like going to the gym. Since wife probably does 100% of the work after school with kids, dinner, clean up, activities and whatever is going on for the weekends she is probably pulling the majority of the work there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Jesus, dude. How the hell do you live with that much contempt for your wife? WTF is your problem?

You need therapy to figure out why you hold your wife in such low regard. And why you have such a chip on your shoulder about the Ivy Leagues you surpassed. You sound insecure AF.

Oh, and btw, that ROI? Well, she married a dude who makes half a million and she doesn't have to work. So who's the *actual* intelligent one with a good ROI in your relationship?